There are many things which have changed as the centuries have passed. First, the search for truth used to be the only search that any man of genius would undertake. There was no other search in competition with it. For the man of genius there was only one thing, and that was truth. Naturally the highest quality of intelligence came to the masters. And to be a disciple is not an ordinary thing.
It needs immense intelligence, great trust, total surrender.
Today the situation on this point is totally different. The genius mind is most probably attracted towards some scientific research, to become a great scientist, an Albert Einstein, to become a mathematician, to become a painter, a musician. There are many choices. The genius is rarely interested in the search for truth. He comes to realize it only when his search - whatever he was doing - has come to an end and he feels unfulfilled and cannot see a way leading anywhere. All goals are missed because he has made a certain goal, he has achieved it, but it gives no satisfaction - not even to Albert Einstein.
Although his name will remain as one of the greatest scientists ever, it gave him no contentment.
Inwardly he was frustrated. At the moment of death he said, "If there is another life - the way the Hindus believe - I would like to be a plumber rather than a physicist." What he is saying is he would like to be a nobody, a plumber, rather than being a celebrity because physics is enriched by his effort but he remains poor. Physics is certainly enriched. Without Albert Einstein it would have been a different story. He influenced all the spheres of life, but his own life remained empty - and this recognition came too late, and even when it came there was nobody he could turn to.
Geniuses have gone on different adventures.
Secondly, there are very few masters available. There are only teachers because religions have not allowed masters to exist. Every master is a danger to the establishment - religious, political, social - whatever it is. He cannot say but the truth, and the whole establishment is based on lies, lies upon lies.
So down the ages, slowly, slowly, they have crucified masters, poisoned masters, killed masters.
Slowly, slowly the phenomenon of a master has become very rare.
Even if someone comes to the state of realization he remains silent because very few people like crucifixion, and very few people like to be condemned by the whole world.
And the problem is, unless the master declares himself, there is nobody else who can declare him.
There is nobody else who is above him. So it is up to him to keep silent or to take on himself all the antagonism and venom of the ugly people who are in power all over the world.
So in the first place, very few people reach to that state, because the people who might have reached are working in the world of chemistry, physics, mathematics, astronomy.
There are three hundred and sixty-five departments in Oxford University and each department needs geniuses to go deeper into its subject. And there is not a single department in those three hundred and sixty-five departments for mysticism.
So rarely by chance circumstances does somebody move into the world of mysticism. He may become a mystic, but he remains silent.
And the place of the master has been taken by the teacher, and a teacher is thousands of miles away from truth. He repeats only the borrowed knowledge that he has got from the scriptures, from the elders, from the universities, from the libraries - he collects it, he's a good collector. And he preaches it as if it is his experience.
These teachers cannot help anybody to realize. On the contrary, these teachers put off thousands of people from the very search because as you come closer to them you find that it is an ordinary man, just a little more knowledgeable.
But knowledge can be accumulated sitting in a library. There is no need to surrender, no need to trust, no need to be devoted and committed. Books don't ask you for anything.
And as they come closer they can see that he is an intellectual but not an intelligent man, and these are two different things. An intellectual is just a memory system, his memory is full, he's a well-fed computer.
Intelligence is a totally different thing. It may not know anything in particular, but its capacity to know is very sharp. Its receptivity towards truth is very clear.
So these teachers of different religions, different cults - first, they don't help anybody; secondly, they disappoint many to such an extent that people are simply put off - they simply forget all about truth, mysticism, the mystic path, the masters. The teacher has created a barrier for them because he has proved wrong, the whole search seems to be hocus-pocus, and people are exploiting.
Many other things have changed.
One is that in the ancient days, people were simple, innocent, childlike. The work of the master was very easy. They were open and they could be read like a book, and the master could see where a few touches are needed and the man will be awakened.
I will tell you a few stories and you can see the difference - if those things happened today what will happen?
Lin Chi, a great Zen master, had many disciples and he had given them the famous koan of "The Sound of One Hand Clapping" to meditate on and report whenever they had found the answer.
One disciple was very innocent. He will come everyday to report - anything. He was so simple, just childlike. Sitting with closed eyes, he will think, "One hand clapping... the sound. It must be the wind passing through the pine trees. It makes a beautiful sound." And he will run. He has found the answer.
And the master will say, "You should think a little more. You seem to be in such a hurry. The koan has been given to many disciples, months have passed, nobody has reported except you. Every morning I am waiting for you. And you bring any kind of nonsense. Now what has one hand clapping and making sound got to do with the wind passing through the pine trees? Just get lost! And don't make such a mistake again."
But he was so innocent. He will go again. The next morning sitting silently he will listen... the faraway sound of a cuckoo. And he will say, "Now, I have got it! That old man cannot now say to me 'get lost.' " And he went again.
It went on for two or three months and finally one day when the disciple came very joyously - again he has found something - the master said, "Keep quiet, because I can see you cannot find the sound of one hand clapping. And after three months experience I know what you must have brought. I will have to do something."
The master was a strong man. He took the student - they were on the third story of a building - and threw him from the window. He fell down onto the rocks, multiple fractures. And the master came from the same window jumping behind him, stood by his side, leaned on him and said, "Did you hear it?"
And for the first time he experienced silence. In such a situation what else do you expect? So unexpectedly the master threw him out of the window. He has become accustomed to getting lost, but this was absolutely new. His mind could not work.... And those multiple fractures, and he was lying down on the rocks, and the master is asking, "Have you heard it?"
And he touched the feet of the master. He said, "This is the sound? How could I have managed it if you had not helped me? I would have never thought to jump from a three-story building onto the rocks and get multiple fractures; but it is really great, the silence. All words simply disappeared.
Now I know you were not telling me to get lost, you were telling my mind to get lost. I tortured you so much. But I have heard it."
And the master recognized that he has heard it.
But if you do such a thing today you will be in the court. The person will not hear the sound of one hand clapping, he will run directly to the police station saying, "This master is not a master, he is a murderer." And soon the master will be in the prison. And the master cannot explain the phenomenon to any magistrate, to any judge. What can he say?
In the first place the magistrate will say, "You are asking absurd and stupid things - the sound of one hand clapping!" Now, there is no logical way to explain it. "Secondly, you threw this poor boy from the third story, and you had the nerve to ask him, 'Have you heard it?' You almost killed him."
This won't work today. The simplicity, the innocence, is no more there. The master cannot do any such thing, even though he sees that this will help, that this can bring you instant realization; but still he cannot do it because it will be illegal, criminal; and instead of you becoming enlightened, he will be enchained. And he will not have any answer before the court.
Those days were different, the people were different. It was the childhood of mankind. In that innocence it was impossible not to become enlightened if you desired it; just the longing and you would have found the right man - they were all around, all over the earth.
Today they have disappeared. Their methods are no more applicable. Man has come to maturity, and he has gained a certain maturity but he has lost something far more valuable - and that is innocence.
There is also a maturity which grows in innocence, but that is a totally different thing. The maturity that man has got today he has got against innocence; he has become more cunning, he has become more clever - not intelligent.
Another master had a big monastery and he had a pet cat. And the monastery had two wings, right and left. Just in the middle was the cottage of the master. And there were one thousand sannyasins - five hundred living on one side, five hundred living on the other side. And they all loved the cat of the master. Once, the master was out; when he came home, there was a great turmoil because both the wings were claiming that the cat belongs to their wing. And they were fighting.
The master came. They became silent. The master took his sword, and called all the monks from both the wings and said to them, "If you can say or do something which shows your realization then the cat's life will be saved; otherwise, I am going to cut it in two, and half the cat will go to the right wing and half the cat will go to the left wing so there will be no more conflict." There was great silence. Nobody had expected this, and nobody could find any word or any way to show his realization.
The master waited for five minutes and he said, "It seems there is nobody who can come out and claim his realization. So the responsibility of murdering the cat is not mine, it is yours." And he cut the cat in two, and gave half the dead cat to one wing, the other half to the other wing. It was a very sad affair.
And just then Sosan, a disciple who had gone to preach in another town, returned. People said, "Sosan, something very strange has happened. We were fighting over the cat - we should not have done it. And the master caught us fighting about it. And he gave us a chance to save it, but nobody could manage to declare his realization in some act, in some word, in any gesture. So finally he cut the cat in half. The poor cat is dead. She was so beautiful. Now what are we going to do with this dead cat divided into two?"
Sosan said, "Wait. I will see the master."
He went directly and slapped the master. The master laughed and said, "Sosan, if you had been here just ten minutes before you could have saved the life of the cat."
The meaning of this story is that a disciple can become so attuned with the master that his hand is not his, it is the master's hand; that he is not hitting the master, he is hitting himself. He has, through that gesture, declared himself to be realized, enlightened.
And the master called the whole crowd and said, "If Sosan had been here, the cat would have lived long. But alas, he was not here. And you idiots, none of you could show or say anything that could have saved the cat."
Everybody asked Sosan, "What have you done?"
He said, "I don't know what I have done. Now, thinking backwards, I feel amazed. Even to touch the feet of the master is a great blessing. But what came upon me? I simply hit him, slapped his face. I will cut off my hand."
People had to prevent him, saying, "Just cool down."
He said, "But how did it happen? And the master is such a beautiful man. I slapped him and he laughed. I slapped him and he recognized me as enlightened."
And Sosan became the master's successor.
You cannot conceive of such a phenomenon today because these so-called teachers - bishops, cardinals, priests, rabbis - will not tell you you are enlightened when you slap them - or do you think they will? Try.
To tell you that, you need a real master, one who knows what has happened. Sosan has become so identified with the master that when the master cuts the cat it seems that he has cut the cat. He is not hitting the master, he is hitting himself.
It took a little time for Sosan to understand what happened, but since that moment he was a different man.
And the master used to say later on, "It was not a great loss. We lost a cat but we got one man enlightened - so it was not a great loss."
One more story I will tell you to explain the differences that time has brought.
Kabir, one of the most famous mystics and poets of India, had a son, Kamal. The word 'kamal' means a miracle. And he was a miracle because Kabir lived in Varanasi, which is the headquarters of Hinduism - and according to Hindus it has remained eternally the headquarters of Hinduism.
According to them, Varanasi is the oldest city in the world. And looking at Varanasi it seems as if it is the oldest city; you can see layer upon layer of different centuries in different parts of Varanasi.
Kabir lived in Varanasi, but he was not a Brahmin. So no Brahmin high caste Hindu will accept him as a mystic - but it was not a problem to him whether you accept him as a mystic or not. He is. You can close your eyes and say there is no sun, that is up to you; but the sun is there.
Every morning hundreds of people will gather at Kabir's house and they will sing Kabir's songs - his songs are beautiful, carrying tremendous meaning. And as the time for breakfast comes close, he will say, "Don't go. Please accept a poor man's breakfast." His wife and his son were both very much in despair, they have borrowed from every shop, from every person; but how long can it go on? They cannot pay it back. And this man goes on inviting people every day, hundreds of people. And the arrangement is in the hands of the wife and the son. They have said to Kabir thousands of times, "You should not say this; people are going - let them go, because we are poor. And not only poor, we are now in great debt - which there seems to be no way to pay. And now even shopkeepers are refusing. From where can we get things?"
And Kabir will say, "You are right. I will not say it."
And the next day he will do the same. Again, "Don't go. Just accept a poor man's breakfast."
Finally in despair, Kamal said to Kabir, "Now the point has come where I have to start stealing.
Unless I become a thief, these so-called devotees cannot have breakfast."
Kabir said, "My God, you have the right idea. Why have you not said this before?"
Even Kamal was shocked. "Kabir is a saint and he is saying that stealing, becoming a thief, is a great idea."
But Kamal was also his son. He said, "If it is a great idea then you also have to come with me to help me - because I am not an expert. You are old, you have seen the world, your experience may be helpful. You have to come with me." He was just seeing what he would say.
Kabir said, "There is no problem. At night I am absolutely free. You just find out where we have to go, and tonight we start."
Kamal could not believe that this is going to happen - perhaps at the last moment he will refuse.
But he was also of the same caliber, the same blood - and blood is certainly thicker than water. He chose the richest man's house, went there, looked all around, and found the place where they can break the wall and enter into the house.
And in the middle of the night Kabir was playing on his flute a beautiful song in praise of God. And Kamal said, "Stop all this nonsense now. Come with me to do something sensible."
And Kabir stood up and followed Kamal.
Kamal said, "This seems to be too much. Perhaps he too is hoping to the very last moment that I will say 'You go home, you are old.' But I am not going to say it. I am also going to test how far he can go."
He went and started breaking the wall, and Kabir was helping him. He could not believe that this is happening. He entered the house. And he told Kabir, "You wait here. I will pass things from inside so you take them out." And he brought a big bag with many ornaments and valuable things and passed him the bag. Kabir pulled it out. Kamal could not believe that now... and as Kamal was coming out, Kabir shouted loudly, "Thief, thief!"
Kamal said, "What are you doing?"
He said, "I am a man of truth. I will say the truth to the world."
The people in the house had awakened. They ran and they took hold of the legs of Kamal - which were still inside.
In the old days the walls of rich people's houses in India were very thick - five feet, six feet.
So he had made just a small hole, enough to go through; and he was somehow getting out of it.
And Kabir shouted. The people of the house got hold of Kamal's legs. Kamal said, "You have done a great job. You have been participating and now I alone am caught."
Kabir said, "Don't be worried. I am taking your head with me. So let them keep the legs. They will never find out who you are."
He said, "Great. You are a saint. You are helping in stealing, and now you are murdering me."
And Kabir cut off his head and took the whole bag and the head home.
Those people pulled the man in, and they were surprised - there was no head. They said, "We have been deceived. And who is this man? How are we going to find out?"
The story is very beautiful and up to this point it seems to be perhaps historical. Beyond this point it seems to be allegorical.
Somebody in the house - a servant - who used to go to Kabir's communion in the morning, said, "This man is unbelievable. He looks just like Kamal, Kabir's son. But there is a way to find out if he is Kamal or not."
They said, "What way?"
They said, "We should hang his body by the side of the road near the Ganges where Kabir and his whole group early in the morning come singing, dancing, to take a bath; hang his body by the side of the road on a tree."
But those people said, "How will that help? That won't help."
He said, "You just listen to me. You do it! You don't have any other alternative."
And it is said that the body was hung by the side of the road, and the next morning Kabir came singing his song and dancing with his followers to the Ganges. And when they reached the side of the tree, Kamal started clapping - without his head.
This, I say, seems to be a little too much.
And that's how he was caught. And the servant said, "This was the secret, because I knew that if he is Kamal he is so accustomed just out of habit - he cannot forget in twenty-four hours - that he will clap when the whole gang comes dancing, he will not be able to resist - head or no head."
But seeing this, the man whose house was broken into and whose things were stolen, was transformed completely. He did not go to the police. He went to Kabir and fell at his feet, and he said, "Whose disciples, even after their head is cut off, still remember their devotion, their love, their prayer? I have not come to say anything about stealing. You can take anything you want from my house at any time. Just accept me as a disciple."
And Kabir said, "In fact the truth is, when he said that he wanted to steal from your house I agreed, because I wanted to steal you. I lost my son, but I have got you. And my son was almost enlightened, so there is no problem about him; he will manage. If he can manage clapping without his head - so many people of my congregation have freaked out seeing Kamal clapping without a head - he will manage to enter into a better and higher plane; but you would have missed if I had not come. The stealing in your house was only a device. All your things are here. You can take them. We are poor, we are beggars; it doesn't matter that we cannot repay people. They already know when they give something to us that we cannot repay."
But the man became Kabir's successor. He devoted all his wealth to Kabir's work.
Even apart from the clapping of the hands - which does not seem to be historical - it is very difficult to think of such a thing today.... The whole story that Kabir tells, "I came to steal in your house because I wanted to steal you, and you were not going to come on your own and I am getting old.
And I have seen you many times, you are the right person to inherit everything that I have."
But today if a saint is caught stealing, neither the man whose house has been burgled nor the state nor the law is going to forgive him.
And he murdered also.
But even though he reported to the government of the day, "I have murdered my son. If there is any punishment for me, I am ready," they refused, saying to him, "It is impossible for a man like you to murder. And if you decide to murder, then there must be something good in it. We are not the ones to decide about it. You are beyond our jurisdiction."
Things have changed so dramatically that today, first, it is difficult to find a master; and then it is difficult to have the intelligence, love, devotion, totality, to give yourself completely without any conditions.
But it is not impossible because it has been happening with me more than it has happened with any of the old masters. I have thousands of sannyasins whose devotion, whose love, is in no way inferior to that of any devotees who have ever existed on the earth; it is far superior.
Yes, awareness is enough. It creates a subtle wall around you. Neither will their energy affect you nor will your energy be drained.
And everyone who is doing such an intimate kind of work like massage should learn to be more and more aware; otherwise, massage is dangerous - because you are massaging so many people. You don't know them. You don't know their unconscious. You don't know their anger, hatred, perversions; their energy can flow towards you very easily, and you don't have any protection.
Awareness certainly functions as an armor.
Your feeling may be right. It is not necessary that you should belong to one group. Those categories can be overlapping, sometimes you can function as one category, sometimes as another category.
But this understanding and this feeling can be used to belong to the best category. Whenever you are feeling you are belonging to something lower, find out what are the causes that are preventing you from being your best self. And you will be able to find out, because if you can feel this, it is an indication that you have good feeling, sharp feeling. You will be able to know why you are not in the best category in this moment. Then whatever the cause, drop it; and whatever the cost, drop it; and move to the best category.
Just the shadow of the whip should be enough.
If I want to know, I can know, but ordinarily I avoid knowing because your present is enough!
Milarepa, everything is right in what you have written in your question except one thing. You should not use the phrase "hell breaks loose," that is not right; "heaven breaks loose" - although there is no phrase like that. But language is a game. We can make it up. And at least here only heaven breaks loose, not hell.
If you were a little aware, you would have watched that phrase. It has a wrong connotation. So just change that, and you are doing everything perfectly well.
Don't be worried about awareness.
Soon awareness will be also coming in.
Don't be greedy. If the mind is understanding, help the mind to understand it. Mind is bad only when it is your master, bad only when it hinders you from understanding; but if it is helping your understanding then that understanding will sink slowly, slowly, into the heart. You cannot do anything about it, and there is no need to do anything.
The mind is not fighting. That's enough.
The mind is available. Soon the heart will follow.
Mind opens, it is a good beginning.
Some time, when it is ripe, the heart opens; and some time, again when it is ripe, you will come to your own being. Things are very natural, if the mind is understanding - that is the basic condition.
The problem arises only when the mind is trying to prevent understanding, afraid that if it understands then the heart will soon become the master. Of course the heart is never afraid to open up the path for your being.
So as things are going with you, it is perfectly good. Just wait for the right moment. And you cannot decide the right moment.
The very understanding of the mind, at a certain point, creates the right moment.
It is just like heating water. At a hundred degrees it evaporates. It will not evaporate before, even at ninety-nine degrees.
So there are laws of inner life, that at a certain degree of understanding the mind gives way. You just go on absorbing in the mind and feel happy that your mind is not antagonistic to you, that it is a friend and not a foe.
Certainly a certain climate is necessary, and that's what we are trying to do - to create a certain silence, a certain devotion, a certain love, a certain courage, a certain longing for the unknown. All these constitute the climate.
And whenever the climate is ready, awareness appears.
There is an old Egyptian saying, "Whenever the disciple is ready, the master appears." It is of profound meaning.
Everything appears only when you are ready for it. You cannot bring anything before its season, and you should not unnecessarily try for it because that will bring failure, frustration, and may put you off from the whole search.
So just find out what kind of climate is needed, and create it. Even without your knowing, I am trying to create the climate in which awareness will appear on its own - and when it comes on its own it is such a beautiful experience, such a gift from the unknown, that one becomes full of gratitude for existence.
And this gratitude is the only prayer that I can accept as religious.
The treasures are only in the superconscious. The unconscious is a Pandora's box. And if sometimes you repress happiness, then there must be something wrong in that happiness; otherwise, why should you repress it? It may have some implications which are not right.
The very effort to repress it shows that you can see something is wrong in it. But you can repress only in the unconscious.
So first, you see if your happiness has something wrong in it. Perhaps you are happy because of somebody else's misery, perhaps you are happy because others are not happy. There must be some reason which is not right. So first that happiness becomes a wrong thing, and when it moves into the unconscious - which is full of garbage, stinking - it will be pressed by all that garbage into the unconscious. And if you want to get it back again, you will not find it the same; it will not be happiness at all. Perhaps it was not in the first place. And once it is repressed in the unconscious, the unconscious itself changes its character.
And the unconscious is so vast and so big and so powerful, that a small happiness will be crushed by it. It will no more be happiness.
So never repress any happiness at least. If you want to repress, repress unhappiness, repress your misery. If it has become a habit that you cannot resist repression, then repress something wrong.
But don't repress something which can be enjoyed.
Happiness should be enjoyed.
I have told you the story of one of my teachers. He was a Sanskrit scholar and a very funny looking fellow - very fat, a round face, and he used an old type of headgear, the safa, which is very long - it makes the head look really big; it is almost thirty-six yards of cloth, that one puts on round and round and it makes it bigger and bigger. But he was very simple, almost a simpleton. The Hindi word for simple is 'bhole', so we used to call him "Bhole Baba." And whenever he would come it was enough to trigger him, just to write on the blackboard "Bhole Baba." And he would go mad, and he would throw the chair and he would say, "I am not going to teach this class." And he would shout and he would throw a tantrum, and we all enjoyed it - because he never asked who had written it. That was the most beautiful thing about it, he never asked who had written it, he never punished anybody for it.
In fact, we used to have small stones with us so as he is wiping it off we would be throwing stones at his back. And he would say, "I will see you. First let me finish it." And still he would not inquire who has been throwing stones.
He died. I must have been not more than nine or ten years old. So I went with my father. And he was lying down dead with all his cloth. Seeing his dress, I was almost going to burst into laughter, but my father was holding my hand and pressing it, saying, "Keep quiet!" He had taken my promise at home that I would not do anything.
And I had promised him. So I kept it. But it was really hard to see him dead and still with this thirty-six-yard-long headgear.
And then suddenly his wife came from inside and fell over him, and said, "Ah, my Bhole Baba." That was too much! She was hearing continuously that we were taunting him, "Bhole Baba" - we were writing on his door "Bhole Baba," and he was washing it off. And whenever we were passing by we would shout "Bhole Baba!" And his wife was so angry sometimes. She would say, "You will be satisfied only when he is dead." But that "Bhole Baba" got into her mind also, because thousands of times she has heard it. And it was so fittingly descriptive of the man, that I simply pressed my father's hand and I laughed.
He was very angry. He took me away and he said, "You promised me."
I said, "I promised you, but I was not aware that his wife would play such a trick. 'Bhole Baba' was his nickname and he was so much against it that the whole period would be destroyed if 'Bhole Baba' was mentioned. And we tried him and tortured him, and now the poor man is dead and his own wife is doing the same trick on him. I could not contain myself; that's why I did not allow you to press my hand, I pressed yours. I meant that this is time you should also laugh."
He said, "From now onwards you are not going to anybody's death, when somebody's body is being taken to the crematorium."
I said, "I will not go with you. That is decided. But I will go on my own."
In fact that is the only procession at which nobody prevents you. If you go into some marriage procession people prevent you, because you are not invited. If you go to some party, people prevent you because you are not invited. That is the only open procession, and I didn't want to miss it. If I had not been there the whole thing would have been missed; nobody understood because all the people there were grown up. They were not his students. I was the only student.
But everybody was asking me, "What happened to you?"
And when I told the story to all the people they all started laughing. They said, "It was worth laughing at."
Even my father was laughing. He said, "The story is certainly worth laughing at, but the situation is not."
I said, "When there is something to laugh at, don't bother about the situation because then you have to repress it."
From my very childhood I have been against repressing any joyful feeling that comes to you. Why throw it into the garbage of your unconscious? And if you throw it into the unconscious, it is not true happiness; there must be something in it of which you are afraid, something which makes you repress it. Otherwise it is such a human phenomenon to share.
But once you repress, remember, everything repressed goes to the unconscious, and that dark hole changes the quality of everything.