[A sannyasin asks: In the lectures, I don't know, but it seems that you have looked at me very furiously, angry - was this real? Was this just me? I don't know.]
It must have been you. You must have some resistance, you must be afraid of me, so you projected it. Otherwise why should I be angry with you? There is no reason at all.
You must be somehow afraid. When one is afraid one projects anger. If you are afraid of me you will think I am angry. Then you can rationalise your fear. Mm? then you can say 'This is why I am afraid - because he is angry.'
If I am not angry then why should you be afraid? Fear becomes irrational - and fear is irrational! But then you cannot support it and you start feeling restless about it and there is no explanation, so it becomes difficult. The mind goes on finding explanations.
You are afraid - that means somebody is angry, and that's why you are afraid. But it is your fear.
Don't try to rationalise it; rather, try to understand it.
And it is natural, the fear is natural. I am not saying it is something wrong, I am not saying that it should not be - it is just natural. Man is brought up in such a way that he is continuously afraid, and my feeling is that you must have been very much afraid of your father.
[He answers: That's right. I wanted to do the Primal but I couldn't.]
So it happens: if you have been very much afraid of your father you will project on me. Mm? I am your substitute father, so you start feeling that I am also angry. Your father wanted to make you in a
certain way, and I am also trying to transform you in a certain way, so there is a similarity - but it is just superficial.
I am trying to make you just yourself. Your father was trying to make you something else. Your father was trying not to allow you to be yourself, and I am trying here to help you to be yourself. In fact I am doing only that which has gone wrong with you. If you understand me rightly, I am undoing that which your father has done to you. So I am not your father! I am an anti-father.
But it is natural, because the father was the most important figure in your childhood. And whenever you come around somebody whom you look up to, whom you feel is very important to you, again a subtle idea of the father will come and you will start projecting. Then all the fears that were associated with the idea of the father will start surfacing in you.
Try to understand it: every child is angry. This is such an ugly society, this is such an ill society, that every child is angry. And it is not that the fathers and mothers are not doing anything for you - they are doing their utmost, but they themselves are in such a mess. They try to help you and they simply mess you up.
I am not saying that they are not doing their work - they are doing too much. And they want you to be happy, but whatsoever they do makes you unhappy. They cannot help it, they cannot do better than this, because their own father and mother, their own society, their own tradition, has destroyed and corrupted them utterly. They can simply give you their disease, that is your heritage.
Each generation gives its disease to the new generation. This is what we call society, civilisation, culture. There is something so basically wrong that every child is angry. For everything the child is angry. He wanted love, he was never given it - or whatsoever was given was never satisfactory, or whatsoever was given was only superficial, it was not real and authentic. Or even if authentic love was given, it was never given enough. The child is still hankering to hold his mother, the child is still hankering for the father to pat his back and say he is a good child. Nobody loved him; everybody tried to manipulate him.
From the first day the child is born, the manipulation starts. Immediately the doctor smacks the child, training has started, the artificial has entered. The child is immediately taken away from the mother.
The child wants to be close to the mother. For nine months he was in the womb, he was part of the mother - he wants to be with the mother. But the child is taken away.
Then, by and by, the child has to be forced to be alone. The mother will come only when there is some need, she will come only at a particular time. There will be a certain schedule for how many times she has to give her breast - then she will come and give the breast.
In the middle of those periods, if the child wants the mother he is simply helpless. He cries, screams - but the mother has been taught not to listen too much to his cries, otherwise he will start dominating her. So the child cries in his crib, cries deeply, feels helpless, feels that nobody is listening and nobody is coming, that there is nobody to look after him, nobody cares. By and by he falls asleep out of tiredness, exhausted... by and by he stops crying. There is nobody to listen and nobody ever comes. The mother comes when she wants to come, not when the child wants her to come. He closes up.
You have not cried - crying will help you very much. If you cry, your anger, your fear, will dissipate and disperse. No child has been allowed to cry and no child has been listened to; so one closes, one becomes hard. One starts thinking 'What is the use of it all? Why should I cry? I should become hard!' But the more hard you become, the less sensitive you are. The more hard you become, the less flowing; the more hard you become, the more dead. So one drags through a dead life and is afraid to cry.
It is very difficult to find a man brave enough to cry easily, naturally, and to let tears flow - very difficult. He has become very adamant that it is useless, it is meaningless. There is nobody to respond; the whole sky is empty, and one has to be on one's own.
This hardening is there - that I can see. And behind that hardening is fear, anger, frustration. Next time you come, do the primal, mm? It has to be done - it will be of great help.
[The sannyasin then says he has not been able to sleep well for two years. In reply to Osho's question, he says he has not been in a love affair since two years.]
For two years you have not been in any love affair? That's bad! You need the warmth of a woman - that will give you sleep too. There is nothing like a woman if you need a good sleep. She will be your mother, she will give you warmth. That's exactly what you are missing.
So find a woman, find a friendship; that will help your sleep. That will help your anger to come to more normal proportions too - your fear will be less. When love is there, fear is less. And it will help your mind also - it is continuously chattering. It will be helpful.
Find a woman, don't be afraid. That must be a fear again!
... if you can find a woman... and there is no problem in finding one. One has just to open a little, just approach a little - because women need as much love as you need! They are seeking a friend as much as you are. So one just has to take the initiative. Before you come back, this is your meditation: find a woman and go whole-heartedly into it. That will help many things and many blocks will disappear.
Keep your heart open: if some love affair happens, don't be shy and don't be afraid. All women are not your mother! Once a boy has become afraid of the mother, he is afraid of all women. Once a girl has hated her mother, she will hate all other women. It is just that a programme is there in your mind.
Try to open a little, mm? and continue to meditate. Good!
[A sannyasin says that he lives in the forest and kills animals, including his chickens and rabbits, in order to eat - but he doesn't feel right when he kills.]
No, it is better to drop it....
It is better by and by to drop it. You will not be able to kill soon - soon you will become almost incapable of doing that....
You wait! I will see to it. Yes !
[He asks: How about fish?]
All has to go by and by. I am not saying to drop it immediately, but the mote happy and joyful and silent you will be, the more impossible it will become to kill.
[The sannyasin says: I've lived with the Eskimos in their villages and I've been with them when they kill, and there's such great happiness when they kill.]
Because they don't understand anything....
They don't feel bad because they are not yet that aware...
They are happy - animals are happy.
But the happiness that I am talking about is a very different happiness. Eskimos are happy like small children, but that happiness is not much; it is just basically ignorance. There comes a happiness which is not ignorance but awareness, and then things are totally different.
I'm not saying to stop, because I never say to stop anything. I'm saying simply: go on meditating, go on loving more and more, and by and by you will see: it will become impossible. And the day it becomes impossible is a great liberation. Then you will have a totally different vision of reality.
When you kill animals or fish or anything, you cannot love god. Why don't you kill man?...
It is the same! Why can't you become a man-eater? There have been tribes, cannibals, and they were very happy. Whenever they found a missionary - they were really happy, mm? it was really a great day. They have the real taste of christianity! Nobody knows what christianity is - only they.
But we don't kill man because that will be a very ugly act against god, against ourselves.
So the more you become alert, the more and more you will find this. You love a dog - you cannot kill and eat him. You love your horse - you cannot kill and eat him. Wherever some personal intimacy arises it becomes difficult to kill. Any personal intimacy with any animal, and you will not be able to kill. You can kill only because you remain impersonal.
But when you really become a meditator you will find a personal friendship arising with the whole existence. It even becomes difficult to cut a tree! And that is a great experience, to be in such love with existence.
There is no problem - because you can eat without killing, so eating is not a question. Just for a small taste on the tongue, killing life is simply absurd. You are not dying: if you don't eat animals, you are not going to die. Fruits are enough, vegetables are enough, a thousand and one things are available - you are not going to die. So just for the taste... and the taste is just on the tongue; once you swallow it, all is gone.
But I am not saying to you stop it, because I never support any repression. If you have the idea to eat meat, you have to continue. Only when you become capable of love, more love, will you become incapable of killing. Then it is good, then it comes on its own accord.
That's why, in India, if you talk to a Buddhist or to a Jaina, they cannot believe how Jesus could eat fish or could eat meat. It is impossible for them to conceive of it - a man like Jesus? And they have something in it!
They cannot conceive of Buddha eating meat, because that is going against the whole idea of love, compassion, friendship.
Mahavira would not even eat a green fruit. He was the ultimate in that understanding, nobody has ever surpassed him. He would eat only ripe fruit which had fallen from the tree on its own accord.
Because he would say that if you take a green fruit which is not ripe from the tree, it hurts the tree.
Why hurt? When ripe fruits are available, when trees are dropping them by themselves, why be in such a hurry? And he lived beautifully - there is no problem.
And for the first time science is making it possible that the whole of humanity can live without killing.
Up to now it was not even possible, but now synthetic food will be available. Now we can create more food in millions of ways. Food can be created out of seawater and food can be created in many more ways. Now there is no need - if just out of old habit man continues, that's okay, otherwise there is no need. Man can live and will live a higher quality of life - of more love, of more compassion, of more joy.
But I am not saying to stop, remember. I am not saying to stop it - but when the idea comes, then don't go on forcing just because of old habit.
If you start feeling that you cannot kill animals, then stop - not before it! If one day suddenly you cannot eat fish, stop, but up to then you can continue. Mm? that day will come!
... I am not going to allow you to remain an eskimo, mm? Good!
Deva means divine and anima means the power to become infinitely small, the power to become almost a nonentity. And that's the way to god.
Not to be is the way to god. To be is to be in the world, to be is to be an ego, to be is to be separate from the cosmos. Not to be is to be one with the whole. And in the effort to be is the whole anxiety, in the effort to remain separate is the whole insanity of man - because we are doing something which is not possible, we are doing something impossible. If we go mad doing that, it is just natural.
We are part of the whole, there is no way to exist separately. And that's what man has been doing down the ages - trying in every way to exist separately from the cosmos. This megalomania of man - that he has to be superior to the whole, that he has to be separate from the whole, that he has to be in control of the whole, that he has to conquer the whole - has been a great disaster. It has not happened, because it could not happen, but in trying to achieve it man has lost all joy, all capacity to celebrate.
In trying to be, man has become simply a dead and dull thing, a very much afraid and scared being - because he is constantly afraid of being lost in the whole, so wherever there is a possibility that his boundaries may be blurred, he avoids that possibility. He will not love, because in love the boundaries are blurred. He will not become deeply intimate with anybody, because in the intimacy again boundaries are blurred.
He cannot pray, he cannot surrender, he cannot accept, he cannot trust - because wherever he comes across this phenomenon that his separation will be lost, he will no more be an entity, a trembling arises in the heart. He slinks away, shrinks away.
This word 'anima' comes from yoga. Mm? they say there are eight special powers of the yogi.
One special power is 'anima', and that is his power to become infinitely small, almost a nonentity, 'Almost', I say, because even when you have become a nonentity your essential being is there, your essential consciousness is there - in fact it is more so than ever.
It is paradoxical: when you try to be, you become a nonentity. And when you start becoming a nonentity, you are for the first time.
So we can say if you really want to become, drop becoming. We can say if you want really to be, eternally to be, then drop all the efforts of being - accept non-being.
That's what Jesus means when he says 'Those who try to save their lives will lose, and those who are ready to lose them will be saved.' And sannyas is a beginning of losing oneself....