"Cosmic orgasm" through Tantra
Before I take your questions some other points have to be clarified, because those points will help you understand more what tantra means. Tantra is not a moral concept. It is neither moral nor immoral. It is amoral. It is a science, and science is neither. Your moralities and concepts concerning moral behavior are irrelevant for tantra. Tantra is not concerned with how one should behave; it is not concerned with ideals. It is concerned basically with what is, with what you are. This distinction has to be understood deeply.
Morality is concerned with ideals - how you should be, what you should be. Therefore, morality is basically condemning. You are never the ideal so you are condemned. Every morality is guilt- creating. You can never become the ideal; you are always lagging behind. The gap will always be there because the ideal is the impossible, and through morality it becomes more impossible. The ideal is there in the future, and you are here as you are, and you go on comparing. You are never the perfect man; something is always lacking. Then you feel guilt; you feel a self-condemnation.
One thing, tantra is against self-condemnation because condemnation can never transform you.
Condemnation can only create hypocrisy. Then you try to pretend, to show, that you are what you are not. Hypocrisy means you are the real man, not the ideal man, but you pretend, you try to show, that you are the ideal man. Then you have a split within you; you have a false face. The unreal man is born, and tantra is basically a search for the real man, not for the unreal man.
Of necessity, every morality creates hypocrisy. It will do so inevitably. Hypocrisy will remain with morality. It is part of it - the shadow. This will look paradoxical because moralists are the men who condemn hypocrisy the most, and they are the creators of it. And hypocrisy cannot disappear from the earth unless morality disappears. They both will exist together; they are two aspects of the same coin. Morality gives you the ideal and you are not the ideal; that is why the ideal is given to you.
Then you start feeling that you are wrong, and that this wrongness is natural. It is given to you. You are born with it, and you cannot immediately do anything about it. You cannot transform it; it is not so easy. You can only suppress it; that is easy.
But there are two things you can do. You can create a false face; you can pretend to be something you are not. That saves you. Then you can move more easily in the society - more conveniently.
And inwardly you have to suppress the real because the unreal can be imposed only if the real is suppressed. So your reality goes on moving downward into the unconscious and your unreality becomes your conscious. Your unreal part becomes more dominant and the real recedes back. You are divided, and the more you try to pretend, the greater will be the gap.
The child is born as one, whole. That is why every child is so beautiful. The beauty is because of wholeness. The child has no gap, no split, no divisions, no fragments. The child is one. The real and unreal are not there. The child is simply real, authentic. You cannot say that the child is moral. The child is neither moral nor immoral. He is just unaware that there is anything moral or immoral. The moment he becomes aware, a split starts. Then the child begins behaving in unreal ways because to be real becomes more and more difficult.
This happens of necessity, remember, because the family has to regulate, the parents have to regulate. The child has to be civilized, educated, given manners, cultivated; otherwise it will be impossible for the child to move in the society. He has to be told, "Do this; don't do that." And when we say, "Do this," the child's reality may not be ready to do it. It may not be real; there may not be any real desire within the child to do it. And when we say, "Don't do this or don't do that," the child's nature may like to do it.
We condemn the real and we enforce the unreal, because the unreal is going to be helpful in an unreal society and the unreal is going to be convenient. Where everyone is false, the real is not going to be convenient. A real child will be in a basic difficulty with the society because the whole society is unreal. This is a vicious circle. We are born in a society, and hitherto not a single society has existed on the earth which is real. And this is vicious! A child is born in a society, and a society is already there with its fixed rules, regulations, behaviors and moralities which the child has to learn.
When he will grow he will become false. Then children will be born to him, and he will help make them false, and this goes on and on. What to do? We cannot change the society. Or if we try to change the society, we will not be there when the society will be changed. It will take an eternity of time. What to do?
The individual can become aware of this basic split within: that the real has been suppressed and the unreal has been imposed. This is pain, this is suffering, this is hell. You cannot get any satisfaction through the unreal because through the unreal only unreal satisfactions are possible, and this is natural. Only through the real can real satisfactions happen. Through the real you can reach reality; through the real you can reach the truth. Through the unreal you can only reach more and more hallucinations, illusions, dreams, and through dreams you can deceive yourself, but you can never be satisfied.
For example, in a dream, if you feel thirsty, you may dream you are drinking water. This will be helpful and convenient for the sleep to continue. If this dream where you dream you are drinking water is not there, your sleep will be broken. A real thirst is there. It will break the sleep; the sleep will be disturbed. Dream is a help; it gives you the feeling that you are drinking water. But the water is false. Your thirst is simply deceived; it is not removed. You may continue to sleep, but the thirst is there suppressed.
This is happening not only in sleep: in your whole life this is happening. You are searching for things through the unreal personality which is not there, which is just a facade. If you do not get them, you will be in misery; if you get them, then too you will be in misery. If you do not get them the misery will be lesser-remember. If you get them, the misery will be deeper and more.
Psychologists say that because of this unreal personality we basically never want to reach the goal - never want to reach - because if you reach the goal you will be totally frustrated. You live in hope; in hope you can continue. Hope is a dream. You never reach the goal, so you never come to realize that the goal is false.
A poor man struggling for riches is more happy in the struggle because in the struggle there is hope.
And with the unreal personality only hope is happiness. If the poor man gets riches, he will become hopeless. Now frustration will be the natural consequence. Riches will be there, but no satisfaction.
He will have achieved the goal, but nothing will have happened. His hopes are shattered. That is why the moment a society becomes affluent it becomes disturbed.
If America is so much disturbed today, it is because hopes are achieved, goals are achieved, and now you cannot deceive yourself any more. So if in America the younger generation is revolting against all the goals of the older generation, it is because of this: that they all proved nonsense.
In India we cannot conceive of this. We cannot conceive of young people voluntarily going poor - going hippie. Voluntarily going poor? We cannot conceive of it. We still have hope. We are hoping for the future: that someday the country will become rich and then there will be heaven. Heaven is always in the hoping.
Because of this unreal personality, whatsoever you try, whatsoever you do, whatsoever you see, becomes unreal. Tantra says truth can happen to you only if you are again grounded in the real.
But to be grounded in the real you have to be very courageous with yourself because the unreal is convenient and the unreal is so much cultivated and your mind is so much conditioned, that you will become afraid of the real.
Someone has asked,
"YOU SAID YESTERDAY TO BE IN THE LOVE ACT TOTALLY - TO ENJOY, TO FEEL THE BLISS OF IT, TO REMAIN IN IT, AND WHEN THE BODY STARTS SHAKING, TO BE THE SHAKING.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING US - INDULGENCE?"
This is perversion! This is the unreal personality speaking to you. The unreal personality is always against enjoying anything. It is always against you: you must not enjoy. It is always for sacrificing things, for your sacrificing yourself for others. It looks beautiful because you have been brought up in it: "Sacrifice yourself for others." This is altruism. If you are trying to enjoy yourself this is selfish.
And the moment someone says, "This is selfish," it becomes a sin.
But I tell you, tantra is a basically different approach. Tantra says that unless you can enjoy yourself you cannot help anyone to enjoy. Unless you are really contented with yourself, you cannot serve others; you cannot help others toward their contentment. Unless you are overflowing with your own bliss you are a danger to society, because a person who sacrifices always becomes a sadist.
If your mother goes on talking to you and says that "I have sacrificed myself for you," she will torture you. If the husband goes on saying to the wife that "I am sacrificing," he will be a sadistic torturer.
He will torture because sacrifice is just a trick to torture the other.
So those who are always sacrificing are very dangerous - potentially dangerous. Be aware of them, and do not sacrifice. The very word is ugly. Enjoy yourself; be bliss-filled. And when you are overflowing with your own bliss, that bliss will reach to others also. But that is not a sacrifice. No one is obliged to you; no one needs to thank you. Rather, you will feel grateful to others because they have been participating in your bliss. Words like 'sacrifice', 'duty', 'service' are ugly; they are violent.
Tantra says that unless you are filled with light, how can you help others to be enlightened? Be selfish; only then can you be altruistic. Otherwise the whole concept of altruism is nonsense. Be happy; only then can you help others to be happy. If you are sad, unhappy, bitter, you are going to be violent with others and you will create misery for others.
You may become a MAHATMA, a so-called great saint; that is not very difficult. But look at your MAHATMAS. They are trying in every way to torture everyone who comes to them, but their torturing is very deceptive. They torture you for your own sake; they torture you for your own good. And because they are torturing themselves you cannot say to them, "You are preaching something to us which you are not practicing." They are already practicing it. They are torturing themselves; now they can torture you. And when a torture is for your own good, that is the most dangerous torture:
you cannot escape it.
And what is wrong with enjoying yourself? What is wrong in being happy? If there is anything wrong it is always in your unhappiness, because an unhappy person creates ripples of unhappiness all around him. Be happy! And the sex act, the act of love, can be one of the deepest means through which bliss can be attained.
Tantra is not teaching sexuality. It is simply saying that sex can be a source of bliss. And once you know that bliss, you can go further because now you are grounded in reality. One is not to remain with sex forever, but you can use sex as a jumping point. That is what tantra means: you can use sex as a jumping point. And once you have known the ecstasy of sex, you can understand what mystics have been talking about - a greater orgasm, a cosmic orgasm.
Meera is dancing. You cannot understand her; you cannot even understand her songs. They are sexual; their symbology is sexual. This is bound to be because in human life the sex act is the only act in which you come to feel a non-duality, in which you come to feel a deep oneness, in which the past disappears and the future disappears and only the present moment - the only real moment - remains. So all those mystics who have really known oneness with the divine, oneness with existence itself, they have always used sexual terms and symbols for their experience to express it.
There is no other symbology; there is no other symbology which comes near to it.
Sex is just the beginning, not the end. But if you miss the beginning, you will miss the end also, and you cannot escape the beginning to reach the end.
Tantra says take life naturally; do not be unreal. Sex is there as a deep possibility, a great potentiality.
Use it! And what is wrong in being happy in it? Really, all moralities are against happiness. Someone is happy, and you feel something has gone wrong. When someone is sad, everything is okay. We live in a neurotic society where everyone is sad. When you are sad, everyone is happy because everyone can sympathize with you. When you are happy, everyone is at a loss. What to do with you? When someone sympathizes with you, look at his face. The face gleams; a subtle shining comes to the face. He is happy sympathizing. If you are happy, then there is no possibility for this.
Your happiness creates sadness in others; your unhappiness creates happiness. This is neurosis!
The very foundation seems to be mad.
Tantra says be real, be authentic to yourself. Your happiness is not bad; it is good. It is not sin! Only sadness is sin, only to be miserable is sin. To be happy is virtue because a happy person will not create unhappiness for others. Only a happy person can be a ground for others' happiness.
Secondly, when I say that tantra is neither moral nor immoral I mean that tantra is basically a science.
It looks at you, at what you are. It means that tantra is not trying to transform you, but it actually does transform you through reality. The difference between magic and science is the same as between morality and tantra. Magic also tries to transform things simply through words, without knowing the reality. The magician can say that now the rains will stop; he cannot really stop them. Or he can say that rains will come - but he cannot start them, he can just go on using words.
Sometimes coincidences will be there, and then he will feel powerful. And if the thing is not going to happen according to his magic prophecy he can always say, "What has gone wrong?" That possibility is always hidden in his profession. With magic everything starts with "if." He can say, "If everyone is good, virtuous, then the rains will come on a particular day." If the rains come it is okay; if the rains are not coming then "everyone is not virtuous, there is someone who is a sinner".
Even in this century, the twentieth century, a person like Mahatma Gandhi could say, when there was famine in Bihar, "It is because of the sin of the people living in Bihar that the famine has come"
- as if the whole world is not sinning, only Bihar! Magic starts with "if," and that "if" is great and big.
Science never starts with "if" because science first tries to know what is real - what reality is, what the real is. Once the real is known it can be transformed. Once you know what electricity is, it can be changed, transformed, used. A magician does not know what electricity is. Without knowing electricity, he is going to transform, he is thinking to transform! Those kind of prophecies are just false - illusions.
Morality is just like magic. It goes on talking about the perfect man, and without knowing what man is - the real man. The perfect man remains as a dream. It is used just to condemn the real man.
Man never reaches it.
Tantra is science. Tantra says first know what the reality is, what man is, and don't create values and don't create ideals right now: first know what is. Do not think of the "ought"; just think of the "is."
And once the "is" is known, then you change it. Then you have the secret.
For example, tantra says do not try to go against sex, because if you go against sex and try to create a state of BRAHMACHARYA - celibacy, purity, it is impossible. It is just magical. Without knowing what sex energy is, without knowing of what sex is constituted, without going deep into the reality of it, the secrets of it, you can create an ideal of BRAHMACHARYA. Then what will you do? You will simply suppress. And a person who is suppressing sex is more sexual than a person who is indulging in it because through indulgence the energy is released. Through suppression it is there, moving in your system continuously.
A person who suppresses sex starts seeing sex everywhere. Everything becomes sexual. Not that everything is sexual, but now he projects. Now he projects! His own hidden energy is now projected. Everywhere he will look he will see sex, and because he is condemning himself he will start condemning everyone. You cannot find a moralist who is not violently condemning. He is condemning everyone; to him everyone is wrong. Then he feels good, his ego is fulfilled. Why is everyone wrong? Because he sees everywhere the same thing he is suppressing. His own mind will become more and more sexual, and more and more he will be afraid. This BRAHMACHARYA is perversion, it is unnatural.
A different quality, a different type of BRAHMACHARYA, happens to the follower of tantra, but the very process is totally, diametrically opposite. Tantra first teaches how to move in sex, how to know it, how to feel it, how to come to the deepest possibility hidden in it, to the climax, how to find the essential beauty, the essential happiness and bliss that is hidden there.
Once you know that secret you can transcend it because, really, in a deep sexual orgasm it is not sex which gives you bliss, it is something else. Sex is just a situation. Something else is giving you the euphoria, the ecstasy. That something else can be divided into three elements. But when I speak about those elements, do not think that you can understand them just from my words. They must become part of your experience. As concepts they are useless.
Because of three basic elements in sex you come to a blissful moment. Those three are, firstly, timelessness: you transcend time completely. There is no time. You forget time completely; time ceases for you. Not that time ceases, it ceases for YOU; you are not in it. There is no past, no future.
In this very moment, here and now, the whole existence is concentrated. This moment becomes the only real moment. If you can make this moment the only real moment without sex, then there is no need of sex. Through meditation it happens.
Secondly, in sex for the first time you lose your ego, you become egoless. So all those who are very much egoistic, they are all always against sex, because in sex they have to lose their egos. You are not, nor is there the other. You and your beloved are both lost into something else. A new reality evolves, a new unit comes into existence in which the old two are lost - completely lost. The ego is afraid. You are no more there. If without sex you can come to a moment when you are not, then there is no need of it.
And thirdly, in sex you are natural for the first time. The unreal is lost, the faces, the facades are lost; the society, the culture, the civilization, is lost. You are a part of nature. As trees are, as animals are, as stars are, you are a part of nature. You are in a greater something - the cosmos, the Tao.
You are floating in it. You cannot even swim in it; YOU are not. You are just floating - being taken by the current.
These three things give you the ecstasy. Sex is just a situation in which it happens naturally. Once you know and once you can feel these elements, you can create these elements independently of sex. All meditation is essentially the experience of sex without sex, but you have to go through it. It must become part of your experience, not just be there as concepts, ideas, thoughts.
Tantra is not for sex, tantra is to transcend. But you can transcend only through experience - existential experience - not through ideology. Only through tantra does BRAHMACHARYA happen. This looks paradoxical, but it is not. Only through knowledge does transcendence happen.
Ignorance cannot help you towards transcendence; it can only help you towards hypocrisy.
Now I will take more questions. Someone has asked,
"HOW OFTEN SHOULD ONE INDULGE IN SEX IN ORDER TO HELP AND NOT TO HINDER THE MEDITATION PROCESS?"
The question arises because we go on misunderstanding. Your sex act and the tantric sex act are basically different. Your sex act is to relieve; it is just like sneezing out a good sneeze. The energy is thrown out and you are unburdened. It is destructive, it is not creative. It is good - therapeutic. It helps you to be relaxed, but nothing more.
The tantric sex act is basically, diametrically opposite and different. It is not to relieve, it is not to throw energy out. It is to remain in the act without ejaculation, without throwing energy out; to remain in the act merged - just at the beginning part of the act, not the end part. This changes the quality; the complete quality is different then.
Try to understand two things. There are two types of climaxes, two types of orgasm. One type of orgasm is known. You reach to a peak of excitement, then you cannot go further: the end has come.
The excitement reaches to a point where it becomes non-voluntary. The energy jumps into you and goes out. You are relieved of it, unburdened. The load is thrown; you can relax and sleep.
You are using it like a tranquilizer. It is a natural tranquilizer: a good sleep will follow - if your mind is not burdened by religion. Otherwise even the tranquilizer is destroyed. If your mind is not burdened by religion, only then can sex be a tranquilizing thing. If you feel guilt, even your sleep will be disturbed. You will feel depression, you will start condemning yourself and you will begin to take oaths that now you won't indulge anymore. Then your sleep will become a nightmare afterwards. If you are a natural being not too much burdened by religion and morality, only then can sex be used as a tranquilizer.
This is one type of orgasm - coming to the peak of excitement. Tantra is centered on another type of orgasm. If we call the first kind a peak orgasm, you can call the tantric orgasm a valley orgasm.
In it you are not coming to the peak of excitement, but to the very deepest valley of relaxation.
Excitement has to be used for both in the beginning. That is why I say that in the beginning both are the same, but the ends are totally different.
Excitement has to be used for both: either you are going toward the peak of excitement or to the valley of relaxation. For the first, excitement has to be intense - more and more intense. You have to grow in it; you have to help it to grow towards the peak. In the second, excitement is just a beginning.
And once the man has entered, both lover and beloved can relax. No movement is needed. They can relax in a loving embrace. When the man feels or the woman feels that the erection is going to be lost, only then is a little movement and excitement required. But then again relax. You can prolong this deep embrace for hours with no ejaculation, and then both can fall into deep sleep together. This - THIS - is a valley orgasm. Both are relaxed, and they meet as two relaxed beings.
In the ordinary sexual orgasm you meet as two excited beings - tense, full of excitement, trying to unburden yourselves. The ordinary sexual orgasm looks like madness; the tantric orgasm is a deep, relaxing meditation. Then there is no question of how often one should indulge. You can indulge as much as you like because no energy is lost. Rather, energy is gained.
You may not be aware of it, but this is a fact of biology, of bio-energy, that man and woman are opposite forces. Negative-positive, yin-yang, or whatsoever you call them, they are challenging to each other. And when they both meet in a deep relaxation, they revitalize each other. They both revitalize each other, they both become generators, they both feel livelier, they both become radiant with new energy, and nothing is lost. Just by meeting with the opposite pole energy is renewed.
The tantric love act can be done as much as you like. The ordinary sex act cannot be done as much as you like because you are losing energy in it, and your body will have to wait to regain it. And when you regain it, you will only lose it again. This looks absurd. The whole life is spent in gaining and losing, regaining and losing: it is just like an obsession.
The second thing to be remembered: you may or may not have observed that when you look at animals you can never see them enjoying sex. In intercourse, they are not enjoying themselves.
Look at baboons, monkeys, dogs or any kind of animals. In their sex act you cannot see that they are feeling blissful or enjoying it - you cannot! It seems to be just a mechanical act, a natural force pushing them towards it. If you have seen monkeys in intercourse, after the intercourse they will separate. Look at their faces: there is no ecstasy in them, it is as if nothing has happened. When the energy forces itself, when the energy is too much, they throw it.
The ordinary sex act is just like this, but moralists have been saying quite the contrary. They say, "Do not indulge, do not 'enjoy'." They say, "This is as animals do." This is wrong! Animals never enjoy; only man can enjoy. And the deeper you can enjoy, the higher is the kind of humanity that is born.
And if your sex act can become meditative, ecstatic, the highest is touched. But remember tantra: it is a valley orgasm, it is not a peak experience. It is a valley experience!
In the West, Abraham Maslow has made this term "peak experience" very famous. You go into excitement towards the peak, and then you fall. That is why, after every sex act, you feel a fall. And it is natural: you are falling from a peak. You will never feel that after a tantric sex experience. Then you are not falling. You cannot fall any further because you have been in the valley. Rather, you are rising.
When you come back after a tantric sex act, you have risen, not fallen. You feel filled with energy, more vital, more alive, radiant. And that ecstasy will last for hours, even for days. It depends on how deeply you were in it. If you move into it, sooner or later you will realize that ejaculation is wastage of energy. No need of it - unless you need children. And with a tantric sex experience, you will feel a deep relaxation the whole day. One tantric sex experience, and even for days you will feel relaxed - at ease, at home, non-violent, non-angry, non-depressed. And this type of person is never a danger to others. If he can, he will help others to be happy. If he cannot, at least he will not make anyone unhappy.
Only tantra can create a new man, and this man who can know timelessness, egolessness and deep non-duality with existence will grow. A dimension has opened. It is not far away, the day is not very far away, when sex will simply disappear. When sex disappears without your knowledge, when suddenly one day, you realize that sex has disappeared completely and there is no lust, then BRAHMACHARYA is born. But this is arduous. It looks arduous because of too much false teaching, and you feel afraid of it also because of your mind's conditioning.
Of two things we are very much afraid - sex and death - and both are basic. A really religious seeker will enter both. He will experience sex to know what it is because to know sex is to know life.
And he would also like to know what death is because unless death is known you cannot know what eternal life is. If you can enter sex to its very center you will know what life is, and if you can enter into death voluntarily, to its very center, then the moment you touch the center of death you become eternal. Then you are immortal because death is something that happens just on the periphery.
Sex and death both are basic for a real seeker, but for ordinary humanity both are taboo. No one talks about them, and both are basic and both are deeply related. They are so deeply related that even upon entering sex you enter a certain death - because you are dying. The ego is disappearing; time is disappearing; your individuality is disappearing. You are dying! Sex is also a subtle death.
And if you can know that sex is a subtle death, death can become a great sexual orgasm.
A Socrates entering death is not afraid. Rather, he is very much enthusiastic, thrilled, excited to know what death is. There is a deep welcome in his heart. Why? Because if you have known the small death of sex and you have known the bliss that follows it, you would like to know the greater death, the greater bliss that is hidden behind it. But for us both are taboo. For tantra, both are basic dimensions for search. One has to go through them.
Someone has asked,
"IF ONE EXPERIENCES KUNDALINI - THE RISING OF ENERGY UP THE SPINAL PASSAGE - DOES NOT IT DEPLETE ONE'S MEDITATIVE ENERGIES TO HAVE ORGASM?"
All the questions are basically without understanding of what the tantric sex act is. Ordinarily, it is so. If your energy, your kundalini, goes up, rises and rushes up towards the head, you cannot have an ordinary orgasm. And if you try to have it, you will be in a deep conflict within, because energy is moving up and you are forcing it down. But the tantric orgasm is not a difficulty. It will be a help.
Energy moving up is not contradictory to tantric orgasm. You can relax, and that relaxation with your beloved will help the energy move higher.
In the ordinary sex act it is a difficulty. That is why all those techniques which are not tantric are against sex - because they do not know that a valley orgasm is possible. They know only one kind - the ordinary orgasm, and then it is a problem for them. For yoga it is a problem because yoga is trying to force your sex energy upwards. Your sex energy moving upwards is what is called kundalini.
In the sex act it moves downwards. Yoga will say to be a celibate, because if you are doing both - yoga and indulging in sex - you are creating chaos in your system. On the one hand you are trying to pull energy up, and on the other hand you are "throwing energy out - down. You are creating chaos.
That is why yoga techniques are against sex, but tantra is not against sex because tantra has a different type of orgasm, a valley orgasm, which can help. And no chaos, no conflict, is created; rather, it will be helpful. If you are escaping, if you are a man and you are escaping from woman or if you are a woman escaping from man, then whatsoever you do the other remains in your mind and goes on pulling you down. This is paradoxical, but this is a truth.
While in a deep embrace with your beloved you can forget the other. Only then do you forget the other. A man forgets that woman exists; a woman forgets that man exists. Only in a deep embrace the other is no more, and when the other is no more your energy can flow easily. Otherwise the other goes on pulling it down.
So yoga and ordinary techniques try to get you to escape from the other - the opposite sex. You have to escape. You have to be aware - continuously struggling and controlling. But if you are against the other sex, that very "againstness" is a constant strain and goes on pulling you down.
Tantra says no strain is needed; be relaxed with the other. In that relaxed moment the other disappears and your energy can flow up, but it flows up only when you are in a valley. It flows down when you are at a peak.
One more question:
"LAST NIGHT YOU SAID THAT THE FULL ACT SHOULD BE SLOW AND UNHURRIED, BUT YOU ALSO SAID THAT ONE SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THE SEXUAL ACT AND THAT ONE SHOULD BECOME TOTAL. THIS CONFUSES ME.
PLEASE EXPLAIN THESE TWO THINGS."
It is not control. Control is a different thing and relaxation is totally different. In sex, you are relaxing in it, not controlling it. If you are controlling it, there will be no relaxation. If you are controlling it, sooner or later you will be hurried to finish it because control is a strain. And every strain creates tension, and tension creates a necessity, a need, to release. It is not a control; you are not resisting something. You are simply not in a hurry because sex is not happening in order to move somewhere.
You are not going somewhere. It is just a play; there is no goal. Nothing is to be reached, so why hurry?
But a man who is always, in every act, present totally... If you are hurried in everything, you will be hurried in your sex act also, because YOU will be there. A person who is very much time-conscious will be hurried in his sex act also - as if time is being wasted. So we ask for instant coffee and for instant sex. With coffee it is good, but with sex it is simply nonsense. There can be no instant sex.
It is not work and it is not something which you can hurry. Through hurry you will destroy it; you will miss the very point. Enjoy it because through it a timelessness is to be felt. If you are in a hurry, then timelessness cannot be felt.
Tantra says go unhurriedly, slowly enjoying it just as if you are going for a walk in the morning - not as if you are going to the office. That is a different thing. When you are going to the office you are in a hurry to reach somewhere, and when you are on a walk in the morning you are not in a hurry because you are not going anywhere. You are simply going, there is no hurry, there is no goal. You can return from any point.
This unhurriedness is basic to create the valley; otherwise the peak will be created. And when this is said, it does not mean that you have to control. You are not to control your excitement, because that is contradictory. You CANNOT control excitement. If you control it, you are creating a double excitement. Just relax! Take it as a play; do not make any end. The beginning is enough.
In the act, close your eyes. Feel the other's body, feel the other's energy flowing towards you and be merged in it, melt in it. It will come. The old habit may persist for a few days; then it will go. But do not force it to go. Just go on relaxing, relaxing, relaxing, and if there is no ejaculation do not feel that something has gone wrong. A man feels that something has gone wrong if there is no ejaculation.; he tends to feel that something has gone wrong. Nothing has gone wrong! And do not feel that you have missed something: you have not missed. In the beginning it will be felt as if you are missing something, because the excitement and the peak will not be there. Before the valley comes you will feel that you are missing something, but this is just an old habit. Within a period, within a month or three weeks, the valley will start appearing, and when the valley appears you will forget your peaks.
No peak is worth this. But you have to wait, and do not force it and do not control it. Just relax.
Relaxation is a problem - because when we say, "Relax," in the mind it is translated as if some effort is to be made. Our language gives this appearance. I was reading one book. The book is entitled, YOU MUST RELAX! You MUST! The very "must" will not allow you to relax, because when it becomes a goal, you "must," and if you are not able you will feel frustrated. The very "must" gives you a feeling of hard effort - of an arduous journey. You cannot relax if you are thinking in terms of "must."
Language is a problem. There are certain things which language always expresses wrongly. For example, relaxation: if I say to relax, then too it becomes an effort and you will ask, "How to relax?"
With "how" you miss the point. You cannot ask "How?" Then you are asking for a technique, and technique will create effort, effort will create tension. So if you ask me how to relax, I will say do not do anything: just relax. Just lie down and wait, do not do anything! All that you can do will be the barrier; it will create the hindrance.
If you start counting from one to a hundred and back from a hundred to one, you will remain awake the whole night. And if sometimes you have fallen asleep because of counting, it is not because of counting. It is because you counted and counted, and then you became bored - because of that boredom. It is not because of counting - only because of boredom. And then you forgot counting and then sleep came. But sleep comes, relaxation comes, only when you are not doing anything:
this is the problem.
When I say "sex act" it looks like you need an effort. You do not! Just start playing with your beloved or your lover; just go on playing. Feel each other, be sensitive to each other, just like small children playing or just like dogs playing - animals playing. Just go on playing, and do not think about the sex act at all. It may happen, it may not happen.
If it happens through just playing, it will lead you to the valley more easily. If you think about it, then you are already ahead of yourself: you are playing with your beloved, but you are THINKING of the sex act. Then the playing is false. You are not here and the mind is in the future, and this mind will always move in the future.
When you are in the sex act, the mind is thinking about how to finish it. It is always ahead of you. Do not allow it! Just play, and forget about any sex act. It will happen. Then allow it to happen. Then it will be easy to relax, and when it happens just relax. Be together. Be in each other's presence and feel happy.
Negatively, something can be done. For example, when you get excited you breathe fast because excitement needs fast breathing. For relaxation it is good, helpful, if you breathe deeply - not fast, but slow, breathing very easily - being at ease. Then the sex act can be prolonged.
Don't talk, don't say anything, because that creates disturbance. Don't use mind, use bodies. Use mind only to feel what is happening. Don't think, just feel what is happening - the warmth that is flowing, the love that is flowing, the energy that is encountered. Just feel it.
Be aware, and that too should not be made a strain. Float effortlessly. Then only will the valley appear, and once the valley appears YOU are transcended.
Once you feel and realize the valley, the relaxed orgasm, it is already a transcendence. Then sex is not there. It has become a meditation - a SAMADHI.