Will divides, awareness unites
[A sannyasin asks about the pattern her relationships seem to fall into: I feel very attracted to a kind of power, aura, and then in the end it's very destructive for me.... I find myself loving that person a lot and then they tell me that they don't really think that they're interested in me.]
There are a few things to be understood.... One is, you have a subtle perceptivity, you can feel people's auras - and that disturbs. Whenever a person has that, it is a disturbing phenomenon.
If you can feel the aura of the person in some way, you know something about the person that the person himself does not know. You are bound to get in difficulty because you will react to the knowledge that comes through the aura, and that person does not know anything about it so he will not feel related to you. You will be missing the target - he will be by the side. You are aiming at his unconscious and he does not know anything about it.
This happens to perceptive people: if you know more than the person himself knows, then it will be a difficult relationship. If you feel more than the person does about himself, then it is going to be on the rocks. And this happens to many women, women are more intuitive than men, they see more than the man knows about himself. And that creates trouble... that creates a kind of embarrassment too.
When you can see through the person it is very embarrassing - the person will never be able to forgive you. Somehow he also feels that you are right but still he cannot accept it. He will start avoiding you, he will start getting further away from you.
Ordinarily women are more perceptive but you are extraordinarily perceptive - you can feel exactly.
That capacity can become of great benefit to you, it can become a great harm; it depends how you use it... and you don't know how to use it. Up to now it has been just there, accidentally.
Now, we will manage: it can be used in a very very creative way. But always remember the distinction - that when you see something more in the person of which he is not aware, it is better to keep it a secret. Don't bring it in; don't let the person be aware that you know something of which he is not aware. First he will deny it, he will reject it, he will fight, he will be resistant, and then he will be angry. And if you persist, sooner or later the relationship will be broken.
Your relationship can only go well with somebody who has the same perceptivity, who can see into you, also, in the same depth. Then there will be no problem; then he will be able to see himself also in the same depth.
You can relate only with a certain kind of person... otherwise you will not be able to relate with anybody and everybody. They may be good people but you will not be able to relate with them; something is missing.
It is almost as if a person who has eyes wants to relate with a blind man. Something is missing with the blind man. If the man with the eyes is moving with the blind man, the blind man will feel angry many times because he will stumble and the other will not stumble; he will start feeling very very jealous. He cannot believe that you have eyes any more than he has, that you are more talented in any way. And men particularly are very hurt when they see that the woman is very talented.
This has been one of the greatest calamities in human history: because women have never been appreciated for their talents, they have by and by retarded their talents. Because a retarded woman was appreciated more, a foolish woman was appreciated more: she just had to have a beautiful, proportionate body and no mind, nothing more. She should be a cow - with no intelligence, with no inter-penetrating awareness. That was expected, otherwise the man would feel embarrassed, hurt.
So women have learned a trick down the ages - that the rule of the game is that the woman should not show her talents. If she is intelligent she should pretend she is stupid. If she is creative she should not do anything. She should confine her creativity to small household things - the drawing room and the kitchen and things like that. She should not do anything that can hurt the ego of the man: she should not write poetry, she should not be a painter, she should not sculpt - otherwise the man feels inferior.
This male ego does not allow a woman to have any say... and she has a few qualities which the man does not have and cannot have in that proportion. All that is intuitive is more available to women than to men; all that is intellectual is more available to men than to women. Man appreciates intellect, naturally. he has intellect so he appreciates it, and he condemns intuition: he calls it blind faith, nonsense, stupidity, superstition. He condemns it because he has not got it.
In the middle ages the women who were called witches and were burned were really very perceptive women. The male could not tolerate it, the priest could not tolerate. The whole church has remained male-dominated, the whole christian community is male. Not a single woman is involved in the trinity; the whole hierarchy is male.
It was not really against witchcraft, it was against woman. One day or other when history is written rightly, it will be shown that the movement was not against witchcraft. Witchcraft has nothing to do with it; it was man against woman. It was intelligence against intuition; it was reason against something which is irrational but very powerful.
Those witches were burned, killed, murdered, tortured, and out of fear the woman shrank from the world into her own self. She became afraid! If she showed any kind of talent she was thought to be a witch. If the man showed the same kind of talent he became a saint. He was worshipped as a miracle-man and the woman would become a witch. She was in the hands of the devil and the man was a specially sanctioned person from god himself... and it was the same quality!
You have that quality very clearly there so you need to be a little more alert. Don't bring it into your relationship otherwise relationship will not be possible. Mm? avoid it - if you want to relate with a person keep it aside. You can use it with people to whom you are not relating sexually or in any other way. You can use it and it will grow... and help it to grow.
You can become a perfect witch! Mm? (laughter) And we will need them soon - witches we will need! We are going to open witches' covens.
[A sannyasin says he noticed in the vipassana group, and in other groups, that something stops him being total in things.]
If you are alert, by and by it will go - only alertness is needed. There are a few things which start changing when the alertness starts growing; this is one of them. It is not needed that you do anything else, because if you do something, if I tell you to do something, you will do that half-heartedly too, mm? So it cannot take you out of the problem - the problem persists. The only thing that you need is to watch.
When you see that you are doing something half-heartedly, watch, watch it perfectly. Out of that watchfulness you will see that a little more energy is moving towards work. But go on watching.
Don't force, because the moment you force it, it may shrink back. Enforced, it is not going to change, by will power it is not going to be changed - just by awareness.
There is a difference to be understood: will always divides and awareness always unites. When you are aware, you are one; when you will something, you are two. It is as if the moment you will, you become the rider on the horse. The horse and the rider are two: the rider trying to force the horse in some direction and the horse resisting.
When you try through will, you are a rider on the horse, you are divided into two: then your mind is one and your body is another. There is a continuous conflict, a fight, and that fight dissipates much energy. Rather than helping it, it makes you more and more weak, and again and again you will feel frustrated. Because the horse is powerful, the real power belongs to the horse. The rider has no power really; it is just a mind thing. The real power belongs to the horse but the rider has the idea 'I am the master'. The idea of the master is in the rider and the real power is in the horse, so again and again the rider is going to be frustrated. And the more you get frustrated - the more you feel it is impossible, that you cannot do it, it is not going to happen - the more you will lose confidence.
This is what happens to people who try will. I am not for will at all, because will divides you.
In awareness, the rider is no more separate from the horse. You are a centaur, one whole: that horse is nothing but your legs and the rider is nothing but your consciousness; you are one. Awareness in a sudden enlightening, makes you one, and out of that oneness by and by you will move more totally into things. So just keep alert - don't force, don't be a fighter. What can be done?
If you are doing something and only half-heartedly - you are dancing and you feel that you are dancing half-heartedly - watch. Okay, go on doing it half-heartedly and go on observing that half of your being is not participating. lust watch: the horse is dancing and the rider is not participating or the rider is dancing and the horse is not participating. You become a watcher - this watching will break these two.
One day out of watching comes fusion. Suddenly you are one, and in that moment you will see that you are dancing totally or you have stopped totally; both are good. I am not saying that you should dance totally - that is not the point; even if you stop totally, that's good. To be total is good. Either go totally, or stop totally - either way you become integrated; half-heartedly, you never become integrated. So don't bring will in - bring more awareness.