Darshan 25 September 1977
[A sannyasin has brought her son because she is worried about the way he doesn't eat, which may be causing bronchitis, and how he relates with other children.]
What is the way? I think the problem is more with you than with him!
He seems to be perfectly okay! You seem to be too worried about him. Sometimes even that can create tension in his mind - if you are too worried. Take every care, but worry is not care. Certainly you love him and you have to take care, but worry is not the way to care. Worry is very destructive.
It is destructive to you, it is destructive to him, because if he finds that you are too worried about him he will start feeling guilty - that it is because of him that you are so worried. That may cause bronchitis, that may cause asthma. He may start eating less; he may start punishing himself.
That's what my feeling is right now - that you are too much concerned. No concern is bad but too much concern is also bad. Extremes are always bad; it is good to be in the middle. You are over-protecting him too much. You are too much of a jewish mother. You can make him almost feel suffocated; that's what bronchitis and asthma is. Asthma can start if the person feels he is being suffocated... and that's what you are creating. And you are not against him - you are for him; it is for his own good.
So your intention is not bad - I don't suspect your intention - but what you are doing is not good. Your intention is perfectly valid but the way you are doing it will be suicidal for you both, mm? Because the more you will be concerned, the more he will feel suffocated, and then you will become more concerned.
Just Leave him on his own. Love him but leave him. He has his own life. Just give him more freedom and the asthma will disappear. Allow him his own way of life; don't try to guide him too much. All that we can do is we can love and give freedom, and love gives freedom - only then is it love.
So withdraw your concern, withdraw your worries. That may be some way of avoiding yourself.
Mm? you become concerned about him so you can avoid your own worries. That becomes a good excuse, that becomes a rationalisation. You can escape from your own inner chaos - you can become concerned about him. That's what millions of people are doing. Children become scapegoats.
You can put all your problems on him and you can feel very good because you are concerned about your child - which is natural, and nobody can say that you are doing something wrong. People will tell that you are a great mother, you are so caring - and all that you are doing is avoiding certain problems in your own life. And if you are left alone, if there is nobody to worry about then you will have to encounter those problems. Encounter those problems; they have to be transcended. And don't make a problem out of it, otherwise he will become a problem!
And if you in a deep way have some investment in his being ill, in his being troubled... This is an investment, because if he is perfectly healthy then what will you do? You will be thrown back to yourself. So deep down somewhere in the unconscious you would like him to remain the way he is.
And he will feel it; children arc very intuitive. He will feel it and he will fulfill your desire. What else can he do? He will fulfill your unconscious desire and he will keep you engaged, but his life will be spoiled. And you will miss an opportunity of encountering yourself.
My feeling is that you have some deep problem to solve - that's your love. So rather than pouring everything on him, find a lover, a friend.
It happens many times that a mother can hang around the child. She can say, 'What can I do? I have no time to move into any relationship - I can't afford it.' No, you have to move into your own life so that you can leave him a little alone. Give him his own space. I think he is perfectly okay; don't be worried at all. The worry is not going to help; it can harm.
And once he feels that you are giving freedom you will see him flowering. What you really desire will happen but you have chosen a wrong way of having it. And nothing v. ill be lost in australia, but start giving him more freedom. Respect him as a grown-up.
Each child has to be respected as being on the same plane. You should not try to patronise a child.
Help, but don't patronise him. Support, but don't guide; give all that you can give, but that's all. Don't make any conditions on him - that he has to return or he has to repay you in some way. Don't make him feel obliged and don't do anything that can create guilt in him - so he starts feeling that it is because of him that his mum is so worried. Otherwise he will start thinking it will be better to die; the mother will be happy.
Not exactly in these words, but existentially this happens to many children. They simply start shrinking because they see that because of them there is so much trouble and so much problem, so what is the point of being here? They start shrinking. They can die slowly, slowly....
So first: give him freedom. Don't suffocate him. That's what his asthma is saying to you; it is a message. And don't enforce food on him otherwise he will reject. There is no need! A child knows when he is hungry. When he is hungry he will eat. If he is not hungry there is no need to eat. And it is such a natural thing that no child is going to remain hungry. Just stop worrying about it.
If some day he misses one meal, don't be worried; that's perfectly okay. Once in a while a holiday is good. Let him miss the meal. When his real hunger comes he will come running! Don't force. Many mothers force food on the child and destroy many things in doing that.
Once they destroy the natural appetite of the child, by and by he becomes completely oblivious; when he is hungry, when he is not hungry, he knows not. No animal starves. When the animal is hungry he will eat; when he is not hungry he will not eat. And no mother is taking care of him; nobody is guiding him. And children are animals, pure animals.
Just leave him! If he is not eating, that is good for him; if he is eating, that is good for him. Just watch - you need not be worried about it. And within a month he will start eating in his own way.
Whatsoever he likes, let him eat. Keep your plans and your knowledge of how a child has to be brought up to yourself and if you have any guidebooks, burn them! Because in the west people have guidebooks. They are reading books and trying to follow what the knowledgeable people, experts, say should be done. There is no need at all - nature is enough! And give him freedom: let him move, let him do things in his own way. Within three months your problems will disappear... but you have to tackle your problems!
When a mother becomes too much concerned about the child it means she is trying to find in the child, the child and the husband both. That's dangerous! You should start looking for a friend. That will divert your mind from him and it will save him!
Always remember that the greatest discovery of this century is that almost ninety-nine percent of people who suffer from neurosis, psychosis or some kind of mind disease, suffer from mothers. This is one of the greatest discoveries of this century - that deep down it is always the mother. So don't do that to your child. It has been done to millions of people, it is being done everywhere.
You can go to any psychoanalyst and ask, 'What is the root cause of psychological disease?' and he will say 'The mother.' The beauty and the paradox of it is that no mother wants to harm the child. Every mother wants to help, every mother wants to sacrifice her whole life for the child. Every mother is a martyr, and still this is the result. So something is going wrong. Intentions are good but the methods used are wrong.
Deva means god and pramana means proof - proof of god. There is no logical proof for god, no intellectual proof for god. One cannot argue for god. Down the centuries many people have argued but they have not proved - not a single bit. God remains unprovable. But there is another way to prove god - and that is by your being, that is by your existence. Your eyes can prove, your very climate can prove, your behaviour can prove, your silence can prove, your joy can prove. But they are all existential proofs, not intellectual proofs.
So this is the message in your name - to become a proof of god. Live in such a way that god is proved. Live such a life of joy and celebration. Bring the song of your heart to your lips. Express yourself, be creative, be loving. Transform your passion into compassion and you will become a proof of god. Only godly persons are proofs of god. Books cannot prove - only living persons can prove....
[A sannyasin asks: Is Laxmi enlightened?]
This is a dangerous question! I not supposed to declare about such things, mm? But some day I will tell you! Many enlightened people are here but if I declare who is enlightened and who is not, there will be great conflict. Mm? There will be great competition and it can be very dangerous. Laxmi is very delicate and small and people can kill her, right? That's why! Good, your question is very good!
[A sannyasin who is working in the ashram kitchen says lately she's been in touch with a lot of fear and anger from other people. She always take it in, and it hurts. She has done several groups.]
Do you see any part that you play in all this - provoking people's anger towards you?
[She answers: I don't know. That's what I'm confused about.
Osho checks her energy.]
No, I don't see that there is much problem in it. And you need not do any groups, mm?
You are a different type of person, that's all. You are not very out-going; your energy is in-going. Your energy is not extrovert energy; it is introvert energy. That sometimes can provoke people. People can misunderstand it, feeling that you are very egoistic. Because in-going energy does not relate and the ego also does not relate, so from the outside it is very easy to misunderstand. Then they can say things to hurt you.
And it is not your ego that is hurt because you don't have much of the ego - that I don't see there. Yes, just a normal ego is there but it is not such a problem. What hurts you is that nobody understands you. It is the continuous misunderstanding of people about you that hurts you; it is not the ego that is feeling hurt. But you have to understand that the majority of people are extroverts and you are an introvert. That's why those groups didn't suit you.
Whenever you can, you should do vipassana, the buddhist group, which is an introvert group. Mm?
whenever you want to do it - there is no hurry - but whenever you want to, do vipassana. That will give you immense joy because it will fit with your energy. It will just go with you and you will go with it. That group will help you. It is not a group really; it is a meditation.
You continue to work in the kitchen. Now there is no need to be hurt and no need to feel guilty that it is your ego that feels hurt. It is not ego; it is just a misunderstanding. It is almost as if people in China speak Chinese and you don't, so nobody will be able to understand you.
That is the situation of the introvert. The world has become more and more extrovert; the introverts are 6r and few in between. They are no more in a big majority. A very small minority is left and they are disappearing like many other species. Lions are disappearing, tigers are disappearing.
Many species are being destroyed, and the introvert type is being destroyed. The whole world is extroverted. Nobody likes an introvert because the introvert is in-going. He does not relate; he does not bother about relationship.
Even if he is loving, his love is of a totally different kind. It is very silent and cool; it has not much passion and heat in it. And in the west particularly, the whole world has become extrovert. So you will have to understand. And if you force yourself to relate that will be an anxiety and a stress.
So just understand that you are different; you are a species that is no more in the majority in the world. But it is beautiful to be an introvert because one can go very easily to the very core of one's being. Love will be difficult for you but meditation will be very easy for you. Meditation will be your path, not love. I am not saying not to be loving - be loving - but that cannot lead you to your ultimate ecstasy. The ultimate ecstasy will come through being silent, centred in your own self, forgetting the whole world and disappearing into one's own being....
[A sannyasin says she feels confused; stuck and not flowing. Osho checks her energy.]
Nothing to be worried about. I don't see that you are not flowing with the river - that is not the confusion. The confusion is just the vice versa: for the first time you are flowing with the river, and that is creating confusion in your mind. The mind does not want to flow with the river, never. The mind exists always in fighting. The mind wants conflict, friction. The mind enjoys going upwards, not downwards with the river - upstream - and you have been going upstream your whole life so the mind is acquainted with going upstream.
You have been a fighter and a warrior. Now for the first time you are relaxing a little bit and moving with the river; that is creating confusion. If you continue fighting there will be no confusion; it will fit with you, with your past. Confusion comes only when something new comes. Whenever something new comes you have to readjust yourself again, hence confusion. Confusion means you have brought new furniture in the house; now you have to rearrange everything. Just bring a new chair and you have to rearrange everything.
There is a very famous story - and not just a story but an actual historical fact....
A Chinese man presented a German philosopher with a wooden box - a very ancient antique, near about two thousand, or even more, years old. He said, 'There is only one condition which has always been followed. This has been the wish of the original owner. The box has a history of who has owned it in the past. This is the wish of the original owner - that the box should always be put in such a way that it faces east.'
The German philosopher said, 'There is no problem; this can be followed!' But when he went home and put it in the drawing room facing East, the whole drawing room looked maladjusted. He was worried, so he had to readjust his whole drawing room. He had to order new furniture to fit with this box.
Once he had arranged the room he started feeling that the room did not fit with the house. Now the whole house looked one way and the room was so different; the room became Chinese. But the wish had to be followed and the box was so beautiful that it would be a betrayal not to follow the wish of the original owner. So he changed the whole house! By and by the whole house became Chinese. Then he suddenly saw that his garden didn't fit with it; the garden was German. He had to change his garden! He has written in his autobiography that such a small box changed his whole life!
That's what happens when a new thing comes into your being: you have to change everything accordingly. Just a new child is born and your family and your house, everything, will be different.
Now you have to make space for the new child and you have to look to the needs and the demands of
the child. Whenever a new child is born the relationship between the husband and wife immediately changes. It is never the same - it can never be the same again; the triangle has come in. Anything new and there is confusion.
So it is not that you are not flowing with the river. You have started flowing with the river - and the mind still wants to go upstream; hence the dichotomy. The mind wants to go this way and you are going that way - hence the anxiety and the confusion.
Now don't listen to the mind. The mind is worthless because it is the past. Let the mind adjust with you; don't you adjust with the mind. The mind is your servant and he has to follow you. You are the master and you need not follow the mind.
Yes, for a few days the mind will create trouble because it has been bossing you for such a long time and it is difficult to drop it so easily. It will resist, it will fight; tooth and nail it will fight. But if you go on flowing, sooner or later it will start flowing with you....