Neti Neti

The first question

Hermann Sander,

"WHO AM I?" IS NOT REALLY A QUESTION because it has no answer to it; it is unanswerable. It is a device, not a question. It is used as a mantra. When you constantly inquire inside, "Who am I? Who am I?" you are not waiting for an answer. Your mind will supply many answers; all those answers have to be rejected. Your mind will say, "You are the essence of life. You are the eternal soul. You are divine," and so on and so forth. All those answers have to be rejected: NETI NETI -- one has to go on saying, "Neither this nor that."

When you have denied all the possible answers that the mind can supply and devise, when the question remains absolutely unanswerable, a miracle happens: suddenly the question also disappears. When all the answers have been rejected, the question has no props, no supports inside to stand on any more. It simply flops, it collapses, it disappears.

When the question also has disappeared, then you know. But that knowing is not an answer: it is an existential experience. Nothing can be said about it, or whatever will be said will be wrong. To say anything about it is to falsify it. It is the ultimate mystery, inexpressible, indefinable. No word is adequate enough to describe it. Even the phrase "essence of life" is not adequate; even "God" is not adequate. Nothing is adequate to express it; its very nature is inexpressible.

But you know. You know exactly the way the seed knows how to grow -- not like the professor who knows about chemistry or physics or geography or history, but like the bud which knows how to open in the early morning sun. Not like the priest who knows about God; about and about he goes, around and around he goes.

Knowledge is beating around the bush: knowing is a direct penetration. But the moment you directly penetrate into existence, you disappear as a separate entity. You are no more.

When the KNOWER is no more then the knowing is. And the knowing is not ABOUT something -- you are that knowing itself.

So I cannot say, Sander, what "I" means in the question "Who am I?" It means nothing! It is just a device to lead you into the unknown, to lead you into the uncharted, to lead you into that which is not available to the mind. It is a sword to cut the very roots of the mind, so only the silence of no-mind is left. In that silence there is no question, no answer, no knower, no known, but only knowing, only experiencing.

That's why the mystics appear to be in such difficulty to express it. Many of them have remained silent out of the awareness that whatsoever you say goes wrong; the moment you say it, it goes wrong. Those who have spoken, they have spoken with the condition:

"Don't cling to our words."

Lao Tzu says: "Tao, once described, is no more the real Tao." The moment you say something about it you have already falsified it, you have betrayed it. It is such an intimate knowing, incommunicable.

"Who am I?" functions like a sword to cut all the answers that the mind can manage. Zen people will say it is a koan, just like other koans. There are many koans, famous koans.

One is: "Find out your original face." And the disciple asks the Master, "What is the original face?" And the Master says, "The face that you had before your parents were born."

And you start meditating on that: "What is your original face?" Naturally, you have to deny all your faces. Many faces will start surfacing: childhood faces, when you were young, when you became middle-aged, when you became old, when you were healthy, when you were ill.... All kinds of faces will stand in a queue. They will pass before your eyes claiming, "I am the original face." And you have to go on rejecting.

When all the faces have been rejected and emptiness is left, you have found the original face. Emptiness is the original face. Zero is the ultimate experience. Nothingness -- or more accurately NO-THINGNESS -- is your original face.

Or another famous koan is: "The sound of one hand clapping." The Master says to the disciple, "Go and listen to the sound of one hand clapping." Now this is patent absurdity:

one hand cannot clap and without clapping there can be no sound. The Master knows it, the disciple knows it. But when the Master says, "Go and meditate on it," the disciple has to follow.

He starts making efforts to listen to the sound of one hand clapping. Many sounds come to his mind: the birds singing, the sound of running water.... He rushes immediately to the Master; he says, "I have heard it! The sound of running water -- isn't that the sound of one hand clapping?"

And the Master hits him hard on the head and he says, "You fool! Go back, meditate more!"

And he goes on meditating, and the mind goes on providing new answers: "The sound of wind passing through the pine trees -- certainly this is the answer." He is in such a hurry!

Everybody is in such a hurry. Impatiently he rushes to the door of the Master, a little bit apprehensive, afraid too, but maybe this is the answer....

And even before he has said a single thing the Master hits him! He is very much puzzled and he says, "This is too much! I have not even uttered a single word, so how can I be wrong? And why are you hitting me?"

The Master says, "It is not a question of whether you have uttered something or not. You have come with an answer -- that is enough proof that you must be wrong. When you have REALLY found it you won't come; there will be no need. I will come to you."

Sometimes years pass, and then one day it has happened, there is no answer. First the disciple knew that there was no answer to it, but it was only an intellectual knowing. Now he knows from his very core: "There is no answer!" All answers have evaporated.

And the sure sign that all answers have evaporated is only one: when the question also evaporates. Now he is sitting silently doing nothing, not even meditating. He has forgotten the question: "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" It is no more there. It is PURE silence.

And there are ways...there are inner paths which exist between a Master and a disciple.

And now the Master rushes towards the disciple. He knocks on his door. He hugs the disciple and says, "So it has happened? This is it! No answer, no question: this is it. Ah, this!"

The second question

Brij Mohan,

AS IT IS, YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE ENOUGH. You have made life boring -- some achievement! Life is such a dance of ecstasy and you have reduced it to boredom.

You have done a miracle! What else do you want to do? You can't do anything bigger than this. Life and boring? You must have a tremendous capacity to IGNORE life.

Just the other day I was telling you that ignorance means the capacity to ignore. You must be ignoring the birds, the trees, the flowers, the people. Otherwise, life is so tremendously beautiful, so ABSURDLY beautiful, that if you can see it as it is you will never stop laughing. You will go on giggling -- at least inside.

Life is not boring, but MIND is boring. And we create such a mind, such a strong mind, like a China Wall around ourselves, that it does not allow life to enter into us. It disconnects us from life. We become isolated, encapsulated, windowless. Living behind a prison wall you don't see the morning sun, you don't see the birds on the wing, you don't see the sky in the night full of stars. And, of course, you start thinking that life is boring.

Your conclusion is wrong. YOU are in a wrong space; you are living in a wrong context.

You must be a religious person, Brij Mohan, because to make life boring one has to be religious; one has to be very scholarly. One has to know Christianity, Hinduism, Islam.

One has to learn much from the Vedas and the Koran and the Bible. You must be very well-informed. A man who is too well-informed, too knowledgeable, creates such a thick wall of words -- futile words, empty words -- around himself that he becomes incapable of seeing life.

Knowledge is a barrier to life.

Put aside your knowledge! And then look with empty eyes...and life is a CONSTANT surprise. And I am not talking about some divine life -- the ORDINARY life is so extraordinary. In small incidents you will find the presence of God -- a child giggling, a dog barking, a peacock dancing. But you can't see if your eyes are covered with knowledge. The poorest man in the world is the man who lives behind a curtain of knowledge.

The poorest are those who live through the mind. The richest are those who have opened the windows of no-mind and approached life with the no-mind.

Brij Mohan, this is not only YOUR experience; you are not alone in it. In fact, the majority of people will agree with you. They don't find any surprise anywhere. And each moment there are surprises and surprises because life is never the same; it is constantly changing, and it takes such unpredictable turns. How can you remain unaffected by the very wonder of it? The only way to remain unaffected is to cling to your past, to your experience, to your knowledge, to your memories, to your mind. Then you cannot see that which is; you go on missing the present.

Miss the present and you live in boredom. BE in the present and you will be surprised that there is no boredom at all. Start by looking around a little more like a child. Be a child again! That's what meditation is all about: being a child again -- a rebirth, being innocent again, not-knowing. That's what we were saying the other day. The Master said:

Yes, you must have become very alienated from life, hence boredom. You have forgotten the intimacy, the immediacy You are no longer bridged. Knowledge functions as a wall:

innocence functions as a bridge.

Start looking like a child again. Go to the seashore and again start collecting seashells.

See a child collecting seashells -- as if he has found a mine of diamonds. So thrilled he is!

See a child making sandcastles and how absorbed he is, utterly lost, as if there is nothing more important than making sandcastles. See a child running after a butterfly...and be a child again. Start running after butterflies again. Make sandcastles, collect seashells.

Don't live as if you know. You know nothing! All that you know is about and about. The moment you KNOW something, boredom disappears. Knowing is such an adventure that boredom cannot exist. With knowledge of course it can exist; with knowing it cannot exist.

And let me remind you: I am not talking about some divine knowledge, some esoteric knowledge; I am simply talking about THIS life. Just look around with a little more clarity, with a little more transparency...and life is hilarious!

A downtown store featured a plaque in its window reading: BUY AMERICAN. Printed in small letters at the bottom was: MADE IN JAPAN.

Just start looking around a little more carefully.

A German in the Soviet Zone reported to the police that his parrot was missing. He was asked whether the parrot talked.

"Yes," he replied, "but any political opinions he expresses are strictly his own."

Molly, aged seventy-nine, complained of abdominal swelling and pain to the doctor. He examined her thoroughly, put her through a series of laboratory tests, and then announced the results.

"The plain fact, madam," said the medical man, "is that you are pregnant."

"That's impossible!" said Molly. "Why, I am seventy-nine years old and my husband, although he still works, is eighty-six!"

The doctor insisted, so the aging mother-to-be pulled over his desk telephone and dialed her husband's office. When he was on the line she shouted, "You old goat, you have got me pregnant!" "Please," quavered the old man, "who did you say was calling?"

The third question

Prem Joyce,

WHEN I SAY, "DROP THE EGO, DROP THE MIND," I don't mean that you cannot use the mind any more. In fact, when you don't cling to the mind you can use it in a far better, far more efficient way, because the energy that was involved in clinging becomes available. And when you are not continuously in the mind, twenty-four hours a day in the mind, the mind also gets a little time to rest.

Do you know? -- even metals need rest, even metals get tired. So what to say about this subtle mechanism of the mind? It is the MOST subtle mechanism in the world. In such a small skull you are carrying such a complicated biocomputer that no computer made by man is yet capable of competing with it. The scientists say a single man's brain can contain all the libraries of the world and yet there will be space enough to contain more.

And you are continuously using it -- uselessly, unnecessarily! You have forgotten how to put it off. For seventy, eighty years it remains on, working, working, tired. That's why people lose intelligence: for the simple reason that they are so tired. If the mind can have a little rest, if you can leave the mind alone for a few hours every day, if once in a while you can give the mind a holiday, it will be rejuvenated; it will come out more intelligent, more efficient, more skillful.

So I am NOT saying that you are NOT to use your mind, but don't be USED by the mind.

Right now the mind is the master and you are only a slave.

Meditation makes you a master and the mind becomes a slave. And remember: the mind as a master is dangerous because, after all, it is a machine; but the mind as a slave is tremendously significant, useful. A machine should function as a machine, not as a master. Our priorities are all upside-down -- your CONSCIOUSNESS should be the master.

So whenever you want to use it, in the East or in the West -- of course you will need it in the marketplace -- USE it! But when you don't need it, when you are resting at home by the side of your swimming-pool or in your garden, there is no need. Put it aside. Forget all about it! Then just be.

And the same is the case with the ego. Don't be identified with it, that's all. Remember that you are part of the whole; you are not separate from it.

That does not mean that if somebody is stealing from your house you have simply to watch -- because you are just part of the whole and he is also part of the whole, so what is wrong? And somebody is taking money from your pocket, so there is no problem -- the other's hand is as much yours as his! I am not saying that.

Remember that you are part of the whole so that you can relax, merge; once in a while you can be utterly drowned in the whole. And that will give you a new lease of life. The inexhaustible sources of the whole will become available to you. You will come out of it refreshed; you will come out of it reborn, again as a child, full of joy, inquiry, adventure, ecstasy.

Don't get identified with the ego, although, as far as the world is concerned, you have to function as an ego -- that is only utilitarian! You have to use the word "I" -- use the word "I," but remember that it is only a word. It has a certain utility, and without it life will become impossible. If you stop using the word "I" completely, life will become impossible. We know names are only utilitarian, nobody is born with a name. But I am not saying to drop the name and throw your passport into the river. Then you will be in trouble! You NEED a name; that is a necessity because you live with so many people.

If you are alone in the world, then of course there is no need to carry a passport. If you are alone...for example, if the third world war happens and Joyce is left alone, then there will be no need to carry a passport; you can throw it anywhere. Then there will be no need to have any name. Even if you have one it will be useless -- nobody will ever call you. Then there will be no need to even use the word "I" because "I" needs a "thou"; without a "thou" the "I" is meaningless. It has meaning only in the context of others.

So don't misunderstand me. USE your ego, but use it just like you use your shoes and your umbrella and your clothes. When it is raining, use the umbrella, but don't go on carrying it unnecessarily. And don't go to bed with the umbrella, and don't be afraid that in a dream it may rain.... The umbrella has a utility, so use it when it is needed; but don't become so identified with the umbrella that you cannot put it aside. Use the shoes, use the clothes, use the name -- they arc all utilities, not realities.

In the world, when so many people are there, we need a few labels, a few symbols, just to demark, just to make sure who is who.

You ask me: I KNOW YOU WANT US ALL TO RID OURSELVES OF OUR EGOS AND MINDS....

I am not saying to "get rid"; I am simply saying to be master of your minds. I am not telling you to be mindless; I am only saying: don't just be minds -- you are far more. Be consciousnesses! Then the mind becomes a small thing. You can use it whenever needed, and whenever not needed you can put it off.

I am using my mind when I am talking to you. The mind has to be used; there is no other way. But the moment I enter my room, then I don't go on using it -- there is no point.

Then I am simply silent. With you I am using the language, the words, but when I am with myself there is no need for any language, for any words. When I am settled into myself and there is no question of communication, language disappears. Then there is a totally different kind of consciousness.

Right now my consciousness is flowing through the mind, using the mechanism of the mind to approach you. I can reach for you with my hand, but I am not the hand. And when I touch you with my hand, the hand is only a means; something else is touching you through the hand. The body has to be used, the mind has to be used, the ego, the language, and all kinds of things have to be used. And you are allowed to use them with only one condition: remain the master.

The fourth question

Prem Aditya,

A PREACHER WAS LISTENING to a young man confess his sins. In the middle of it he stopped him. "Wait a minute, young man," he said, "you ain't confessin' -- you are braggin'."

Now you have started bragging! I know perfectly well...because I am in contact with your three women too. I also mean business! You don't have five -- you have even lost the three. And today you are here because there is nobody you can be with!

Hamid is generous...but, remember, he is an Iranian!

One day, back when the draft was still in effect Glascox received his induction notice. He reported to his draft board and confessed that he was a homosexual.

"Queer, huh?" one member grunted. "Do you think you could kill a man?"

"Oh, yes," giggled Glascox, "but it would take me quite a while!"

And let me make you aware that before you can kill an Iranian the Iranian will kill you!

So avoid Hamid -- he is generous, but avoid him! He is also tired of women. He has just separated from Divya, so he must be feeling lonely.

And Vivek's suggestion is very esoteric. She is becoming a little esoteric, by and by.

Being the chief medium she has many esoteric mediums under her so she is learning a few esoteric numbers. Seven is really dangerous!

And your guess is right: seven women will lead you to the seventh hell. And that is the last, the rock bottom; you cannot fall below that. Vivek must have suggested it so that once you have fallen to the rock bottom you start rising back up because there is nowhere else to go.

And you say you have lost three kilos in weight. Your weighing machine is not functioning well -- you must have lost more! It is really strange why women are called the weaker sex -- they are not. Man is the weaker sex.

Danny discovered his wife was cheating with another guy, so he went to this guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do," she said, "let's take revenge on them."

So they went to a motel and had revenge on them.

She said, "Let's have more revenge," and they kept having revenge, revenge....

Finally Danny said, "That's enough revenge -- I have no more hard feelings left."

Be a little careful -- this is just the beginning!

A couple wakes up after the first night of their honeymoon. She sits up in bed, looks at her husband who is Lying naked next to her, and says in a surprised voice, "Darling, did we use him all up in one night?"

Aditya, this happens to almost every new male sannyasin in the beginning: finding so many women here he goes crazy. But within a few weeks he comes to his senses, and then a totally reverse process sets in. First he chases women; after a few weeks the women start chasing men and they start escaping.

Many women have reported to me: "What has happened here to male sannyasins? They don't seem to be much interested in women. They don't approach women, they avoid them. Rather than taking the initiative, they escape -- the moment they see a woman chasing them, they escape."

What happens in the ordinary world is that man has plenty to imagine, fantasize about, because the society does not allow you many relationships with women -- only one woman. And you get tired, you get bored, and your mind starts roaming around. And all the women who don't belong to you look tremendously beautiful, just stunning -- because they are not available. Your mind starts fancying, your mind goes into trips.

Here it is totally different. This commune lives in the future now. It is how it is going to be all over the world sooner or later. This commune heralds a new consciousness, a consciousness rooted in freedom. Up to now you have lived in a deep slavery, psychological slavery.

When you GET freedom, in the beginning you rush into it madly. You start doing all kinds of things that you always wanted to do but you were not permitted to do. Then soon things settle. You become aware that all women are alike just as all men are alike. Maybe there are differences, but they are peripheral. Somebody has black hair and somebody has blonde hair and somebody has blue eyes and somebody has black eyes -- just peripheral differences.

But as you become more and more aware of MANY people, as you become related to many people, one thing becomes absolutely clear to you: that ALL men are alike -- almost alike -- so are all women. Then settling starts. Then you start settling with one woman, with one man, in a more intimate relationship.

That intimacy is not possible in the outside world because your mind will always go on thinking that your woman, your man, has not got that which others have got. And there is no way to find out the truth. Here the way is available; you can find out the truth. And once the truth is known you start settling with one person. And this settlement is not enforced; this is not a legal arrangement. You will not be punished if you separate; nobody is preventing you from separating.

But, still, now you start a totally different kind of journey, a new pilgrimage of intimacy, unimposed intimacy. And now you see that the deeper you want to enter into the other person, the more time is needed, patience is needed, many kinds of situations are needed.

And physical penetration is sex, which is a very superficial thing. Psychological penetration is love, which is far more deep, far more significant, far more beautiful, far more human. The first is animal, the second is human. And then there is a third kind of penetration: when two consciousnesses meet, merge, melt into each other. I call that prayer.

Aditya, move towards prayer, because only prayer will give you REAL contentment.

Only prayer will make you aware of the divinity of the other person, of the godliness of the other person. And seeing the godliness of the other person, of your beloved, you will become aware of your own godliness.

Love is a mirror. A real relationship is a mirror in which two lovers see each other's faces and recognize God. It is a path towards God.

The fifth question

Vivek,

NOBODY IS BORN BRITISH. It is a disease that happens later on. We learn it; it is not innate. Just like nobody is born German or Indian. These are structures that are imposed on us later on, after the birth. These are social ways of enslaving your psyche, your being.

Every society imposes certain forms, rules, regulations. Every society gives you a shape, a form, a face, a facade.

Nobody is British and nobody is German and nobody is Indian. Hence these structures can be dropped, one can slip out of them.

The only thing needed is awareness. We are so unaware that we become one with the structure, identified with it. We start thinking that we ARE it. And that's where the disease becomes a permanent phenomenon; it becomes chronic. Otherwise, one can slip out of being British or Hindu or Mohammedan or communist as easily as the snake gets out of its old skin and never looks back.

Secondly: not all Britishers are British, not all Germans are Germans, not all Indians are Indians. You can find a few Indians here -- my sannyasins or my would-be sannyasins; they are not Indians. They have slipped out of the Indian prison. Now, there are so many Germans here, and when I go on telling jokes against Germans they laugh as relaxedly as you laugh. They don't feel hurt.

When I said something against the British, the Britishers were those who were most happy. They were happy because they must be feeling jealous of the Germans! I go on hitting the Germans so much! I have a certain soft corner for Haridas, Govinddas, etcetera -- I go on hitting them! And the Britishers must be feeling a little lost, lagging behind!

My sannyasins belong to no race, to no country, to no religion. That's what my sannyas is all about: getting out of all kinds of prisons, becoming simply human; declaring one's universality, declaring that "The whole earth belongs to us."

As sannyasins grow slowly slowly into millions, we are going to create trouble. When I have got enough sannyasins I will tell you, "Now you can burn your passports and move freely from one country to another -- because freedom of movement is a birthright."

This is so ugly, that you cannot move from one country to another country easily; they create so many barriers. When you pass the boundary of one country to another you immediately become aware that you have been in a prison and you are entering into another prison. The prison is big, so when you are inside you don't know about it.

The person who has never left India will not be aware that he is living in a big prison, but when you leave the country then you know how difficult it is: how you are tortured for hours, how many papers you have to fill in, how many things you have to do before you can get over the border. Then you know that this is a prison. And you have to do the same thing in the other country. These countries are big prisons.

The hope is that when there are millions of sannyasins, and we have created enough orange energy in the world, we will break all these barriers.

But remember always: not all Germans are Germans, not all Britishers are British, not all Indians are Indian. That is the only hope. There are a few who ARE in the prison but not part of it -- it is just an accident that they are born in India, an accident that they are born in England; otherwise they are free souls. They are the real hope for humanity, the real hope for the future.

This English sportsman had been abroad and returned to his home without notice. While walking through the corridor with his butler, he looked into his bedroom and discovered his wife making love to a strange man.

"Fetch my rifle at once!" he instructed his butler.

In a matter of minutes his rifle was brought to him. Raising it and taking aim, he was tapped on the shoulder by the butler who whispered, "If I may say so, sir, remember you are a true sportsman. Get him on the rise!"

Now the butler is not British, not at all! -- has more sense of humor.

Two Englishmen were coming home late at night from a poker party. One said, "I am always afraid when I return home late from a party like this. I shut off the engine of my car a half a block from home and coast into the garage. I take off my shoes and sneak into the house. I am as quiet as possible, but invariably, about the time I settle down into bed, my wife sits up and starts to berate me."

The other man said, "You just have the wrong technique. I never have any trouble. I barge into the garage, slam the door, stomp into the house and make a hell of a racket.

Then I go upstairs to the bedroom, pat my wife and say, 'How about it, kid?' She always pretends she is asleep."

The sixth question

Prem Turiya,

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL THINGS to be remembered, and you will have to be constantly aware: you cannot take it for granted that the suffering is over.

If you take it for granted that the suffering is over, the suffering will be back by the back door. You have to be constantly alert and aware.

Yes, for the moment there is no jealousy, no passion, and yet so much loving -- naturally.

When there is no passion and no jealousy, all the energies move into the direction of love.

It is the same energy that becomes passion, that becomes jealousy. When there is no jealousy, no passion, all the energy is available for the flowers of love to bloom. But don't take it for granted. Don't think that the suffering is over for ever.

Life is a continuous evolution and you have to be constantly alert, otherwise you can fall back into the old patterns very easily. And the old patterns have persisted so long, they have become so ingrained in your blood, in your bones, in your very marrow, that one moment of unconsciousness and you are back. You have to go on being aware.

Something beautiful is happening...much more is going to happen. One never knows how much more is possible. We are never aware of our potential unless it becomes actual.

You have seen a beautiful space of non-jealous love. Passion is a kind of fever and it consumes much energy. Fever naturally consumes energy -- and passion is fever. When passion disappears, compassion arises. And compassion is cool. Passion is hot, it burns you. Compassion is cool -- not cold, remember. Hatred is cold, lust is hot. Exactly between the two is the golden mean, neither hot nor cold. Then you are in a state of cool warmth. Very paradoxical it seems -- cool warmth. It is not hot, but it is warm; it is not cold, but it is cool.

And the real flower of love opens up only in that climate of warmth-coolness. A warm coolness is the right climate for the lotus of love to blossom.

But don't take it for granted. Never take anything for granted! Each moment you have to conquer it again and again. Life is a continuous conquest. It is not that once and for all it is settled and then you can fall asleep and stay unconscious and there is no worry left.

Again you will be back in the same rut.

Turiya, I am happy -- I have been watching you. You are looking both warm and cool. It is a non-ending process. Be alert, be watchful. Don't destroy this beautiful flower that is growing in you.

When you have something precious you have to be more aware. When you have nothing to lose you can be unconscious, you can fall asleep; there is no problem. But when you have something to lose -- and this is something precious -- be more conscious, be more alert. You have discovered a treasure.

The seventh question

Govindo,

FIRST, KNOW WELL THAT INTELLECTUALITY is not intelligence. To be intellectual is to be phony; it is a pretending intelligence. It is not real because it is not yours; it is borrowed. Intelligence is the growth of inner consciousness. It has nothing to do with knowledge, it has something to do with meditativeness.

An intelligent person does not function out of his past experience; he functions in the present. He does not react, he responds. Hence he is always unpredictable; one can never be certain what he is going to do.

A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew were talking to a friend who said he had just been given six months to live.

"What would you do," he asked the Catholic, "if your doctor gave you six months to live?"

"Ah!" said the Catholic. "I would give all my belongings to the Church, take communion every Sunday, and say my 'Hail Marys' regularly."

"And you?" he asked the Protestant.

"I would sell up everything and go on a world cruise and have a great time!"

"And you?" he said to the Jew.

"Me? I would see another doctor."

That is intelligence!

Janet, a pert secretary, sashayed into the boss' office. "I have some good news and some bad news," she announced.

"No jokes, please," said her boss. "Not on quarterly report day. Just give me the good news."

"Okay," declared the girl. "The good news is that you are not sterile."

This is intelligence!

The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"

"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. "What is your name?"

That is intelligence!

Ah, This!