Chapter 22

[A sannyasin recently returned said that he didn't feel Osho in the West but as soon as he arrived in India he felt Osho's presence.]

That too, is possible. It depends on the personality. It may be so with you.

There are two types of persons: one person - who is never in the present - is the common type.

When this type is here they tend to forget me, and when they go away they start thinking about me, because then I am no more present, at least physically. Then they start thinking about me, they start desiring, and they would like to be hear and near me. When they come here they start thinking about their home, the comforts, and a thousand and one things.

This is the majority. It is not very good; there is nothing about it to be appreciated.

But when a person is here and feels me and forgets everything else, it is natural that when he goes away he will forget me....

There is nothing wrong in it. One should be wherever one is and to think about me will be missing the moment there, and my whole teaching is to remain true to the moment. Never move away from it - neither to the past, nor to the future.

So this is good. When you are here, be here, when you are there, be there. This is how you are following me. This is what my whole effort is to prepare you for. So don't get worried... rather feel happy and blessed.

Amris means god of immortality - god of immortality and bliss. These are the two things to be known: bliss and immortality, and they are connected together.

You cannot know bliss unless you come to know what deathlessness is. With death, one remains in misery. Once you realise the deathless in you then suddenly there is an explosion of bliss.

Abheepsa means a very intense desire, a tremendously intense desire... so intense that only the desire remains and you are lost in it. And anand means bliss. A tremendous desire for bliss.

Desire can have two forms: you can desire something but you remain away from the desire. You can drop the desire or you can fulfill it, but you are separate. If it is not fulfilled you will feel frustrated, but when you are separate, the desire is just accidental to you.

Abheepsa means when the desire has become your very soul. You cannot drop it, because if you do, you are dropped in it. When it becomes so existential that there is no separation between you and the desire, then desire has tremendous beauty. Then it takes a new dimension... moves into the timeless.

This is going to be your sadhana. Become such an intense desire that the very fire of the desire burns you completely and nothing is left. Right? Good!

[A sannyasin returned from the West says: Many changes in the last year, very many. A lot of anger has come up. . . I'm never quiet inside. There is still some anger that I don't understand yet.

Something says to be quiet, to shut up. I have a hard time listening to that voice inside saying be quiet - I'm afraid of it.]

It has been good. Just don't repress the anger anymore. Whatsoever is left has to be brought out, because that is the only way to be really quiet.

You can forcibly still yourself but the stillness is and sooner or later it will be disturbed because just underneath it the anger is boiling and waiting for its moment and the opportunity. Then one goes on sitting on a volcano. Everything seems quiet when the volcano not erupting, is not active, but it is preparing inside.

Some anger has come out, some is still there - and the anger that has come out was superficial.

Throw the anger that needs to come out is deeper - that's why it is difficult to understand it. One part of the anger is understandable because it is related to people, to situations. You can understand why you are angry; the why is clear.

But when this layer, this superficial layer of anger is thrown away, then suddenly you come on a source of anger that is not related to the outside at all, which is simply part of you. Nobody has insulted you, in fact there is no excuse to be angry - and then it is there. It becomes very difficult to understand because you cannot throw the responsibility on anybody else. Now it is something that is within you, that belongs to you.

We have been taught that anger comes only in a certain tense situation. That's not true. We are born with anger, it is part of us. In certain situations it comes up, in certain other situations it is inactive, but it is there. So one first has to throw the anger that is related, and then one comes on the deeper source of anger that is unrelated to anybody else - that you are born with. It is unaddressed, and that's the trouble in understanding it.

But there is no need to understand it. Just throw it, not on anybody, but on a pillow, on the sky, on God, on me. Just throwing is the point. And because it is unrelated it has to be absurd. You don't know where to throw it, how to throw it, on whom to pour it. If you pour it on someone you will feel very guilty, because the other has not deserved it at all. That's the mystery of it, and it makes one feel very disturbed.

This is going to happen with every emotion. There is a part of love that is related to someone. Then if you go deeper, one day you will come to the source of love which iS unaddressed. It is not moving towards anybody... it is simply there, there inside. And the same is true of everything you feel.

Everything has two sides.

One, the unconscious, the deeper side, is simply with you, and the superficial is the functioning of this deeper layer in relationship. People who remain superficial always completely forget their own inner treasures. When you throw out the inner anger, you come face to face with inner love, inner compassion. The rubbish has to be thrown out so that you can come to the purest gold within you.

So make it a point - don't try to understand it. That is one of the basic problems facing the whole West, the modern mind: we try to understand everything... and life is basically a mystery. You can live it, but you cannot understand it. And if you insist that you have to understand, then you will remain superficial. Intellect goes only on the surface, only to a certain extent, then it cannot go deeper. The depth is not the dimension of the intellect; length is the dimension of the intellect. So if you want to know details, the intellect can give you many and many and many, but it cannot move in any depth; it cannot dig any fact in the dimension of depth, vertically. So forget about it. There is no need to understand.

Anger is there; that's enough to know. And it has to be thrown out, because if anger remains in you, you will never feel quiet and still... it will go on burning like a fire inside. It will go on finding excuses outside, and if you don't throw it without any excuse, you will throw it with some excuse - and then the trouble is more complicated.

You throw it on the wife, the children, the friend, somebody. Then you are creating more complexities for yourself because you have missed the point. So this is a good insight. Use it now.

[A sannyasin says: The idea of self-realisation has occurred to my mind, and I keep watching myself.

I watch my action, the motive behind my action, and very often it disturbs me.

Sometimes I feel I am abnormal... it's preoccupying my mind, and I don't like it. Whatsoever I do, I try to analyse the motive behind it, and I look at the past very often.]

Groups will be very helpful. And in this camp, rather than being aware, watching, try to be absorbed.

Later on I will tell you how to be aware.

You have taken a wrong route. Awareness is not wrong, but what you think is awareness is not - you are thinking. It is not awareness, because in awareness there is no question of analysing. Analysis is thinking, and when you analyse you automatically judge - this is good, this is bad, this is normal, that is abnormal. When you go on judging, the head becomes more and more heavy, and then when you want to get rid of it you cannot, because on the whole you want to be self-realised. Nothing is

wrong in the search for self-realisation, but you have taken some wrong notions about awareness, so first you drop it. I will give you something else to do first, and then I will bring you back, once the slate has been cleaned.

In this camp when you do meditations get completely lost, drunk. Don't watch - be as if you are not there. When you are dancing, dance as if you are not there. Dance so madly and be so completely absorbed in it that the dancer disappears and there is no watcher, no division. It will take a little time because you have been doing this too much - analysing and thinking and judging and condemning.

But it will come.

[The sannyasin adds: I have one more request Can I ask you to find me a partner?

You cannot find? Just wait a little. First something has to be done to you, otherwise the partner will be in trouble! First meditation should be settled, and then love, otherwise love brings so many problems.

One should be happy alone, then only, love is good. If you are not happy alone then love is not going to help. You will destroy love itself.

[The sannyasin answers: I am happy sometimes.]

So catch the quality of those moments - what is happening that you are happy - and then let it happen more and more. You will find those moments will be of non-thinking, non-analysing, no judgement, no condemnation - then one is happy.

With your mind you will start analysing the girl. You will become a psychoanalyst, and the poor girl will suffer. (chuckling a little) Wait a little.

And use continuously orange (he was dressed in an orange shirt and brown jeans). Drop this everything else!

[A sannyasin says: I thought I'd created a beautiful life for my children to be happy, but my son throws tantrums and says he wants to go home. (to England)

I don't know if the children are happy. Perhaps I'm forcing them to be, and that's absurd.]

It is always better to listen to their feelings rather than to your ideas of happiness, because nobody can decide for anybody else what is going to be happiness. Sometimes it is very difficult for a mother because she has her notions of what happiness is. The children may not be happy according to you - you will make them unhappy, and then you will be unhappy.

Love them, but don't force any pattern of happiness on them. Leave them free to find their own happiness and they will always be grateful to you.

[She asks: But is what they say what they mean?]

Children are not so deceptive - you can be more deceptive. They almost always say what they mean, but we can be more complex and we think that they don't mean what they say. Then we force them to do whatsoever we want, and we go on thinking and believing that that's what they mean.

Children are very transparent, not cunning - that's why they are still children. They will become cunning by and by, but before they do become cunning, let them be a little happy and free.

I understand your difficulty - but that is not the point. If you are really concerned with their happiness then forget your ideas of happiness - this is clear-cut. Each parent is doing this nonsense to children, and they are never forgiven. I have almost never come across people who have forgiven their parents; rarely, very rarely. It becomes such a hard struggle later on - to respect is impossible, and even to forgive is not possible. That doesn't mean that the parents were not concerned; they were too concerned. They were trying to force happiness on them - but according to them.

If you are put in what is heaven to somebody else, it will be hell for you. And if you go into hell as your own choice, you will feel it to be like heaven, because heaven belongs to your freedom. It is not a question of where you are; it is a question of whether you have chosen it.

So remember this. You may feel sad - that is part of love. You may even suffer sending them back, but if the children want to go back, let them.

[She answers: I don't know if I should go back with them.]

That is for you to decide. If the children want to go, let them. If you want to go there, you can go. If you want to be here, you can be here - your happiness is not the problem.

But for them, don't you decide. You can follow them if you want, but don't force them to follow you.

They are not forcing you - so you are free. At least they are more non-violent. You can go if you want to, but if you are going just to follow them, to be possessive and to try to force there also your ideas of happiness on them, then I would say it is better let them go and you be here.

The world will be totally different if mothers can become a little more understanding. They are not, and nobody can tell them because they are so loving - that's the trouble. Behind love, so much that is not love goes on hiding. Love becomes a shelter for many things that are not love at all.

So if you want to go, go. But remember you are going because you will feel happy there. Don't say that you are going to make the children happy there.

Nobody can make anybody happy, nobody. At the most you can make people unhappy. If you succeed, you will make them unhappy, and when they are unhappy, you will be unhappy. So allow them to grow in freedom. Of course it is risky, but what can be done?

Life is a risk, but every growth is possible in danger and risk. Don't protect them too much or they will become hot-house plants - almost useless: Let them be wild. Let them struggle in life, let them grow on their own, and they will always be grateful to you. And you will always be happy because later on you will see an aliveness in them.

With their children they will be happy, because they will not repeat a pattern in their lives. A few parents are needed to change the whole world. But it is difficult - you follow the pattern that your parents have forced on you. This is the problem that we can't see at all: you cannot tolerate your mother, but you are following the same pattern. Your mother must have been very loving and she

must have done whatsoever she could. She must have been thinking that she is creating a happy life for you - she still goes on thinking that she is trying to make a happy life for you.

You think she is creating an unhappy life for you; that's your idea, not hers. But don't repeat it, or your children won't be able to tolerate you. It is hard, I understand... but be a little more aware. If you feel like going, it is for your happiness; or if you remain here, it is for your happiness. Otherwise you will not be able to forgive them, and for your whole life you will be saying that you wanted to be in India but because of them you are here. That becomes heavy.

Always remember, never try to be unselfish, and never try to show that you are unselfish. That is one of the dangerous cancer-like diseases. Unselfishness kills people - it is poison. Just remain true to your own happiness and you will be helping everybody.

So I don't see any confusion there; it is very clear. But I am not saying to do this, and whatsoever I say is only a suggestion. It is not a prescription and you are not to follow it, because then I become the authority and I start forcing my ideas of happiness on you, and it goes on and on and on.

These are just my suggestions. If you feel - and you have to feel - do them. Do them because you feel they are right, not because I have said them. But if you continue in confusion, the children by and by will feel that they are creating trouble for you so it is better to accept and see whatsoever you want to do. These become very subtle methods of coercion. These are very violent methods, so drop them and just decide something.

If you cannot decide, consult the I Ching!

[A seeker from London said that through the meditations and groups he had done in London, he felt his mind to be freer, but his feelings were still blocked. He says he does not feel to take sannyas now, but maybe after the groups... ]

It is going to help. Rather than waiting for the feeling to come, take sannyas and the feeling will follow; that too, happens. Immediately you will feel a change.

You are no longer an outsider. It is a great change. You become an insider, part of my family. And the whole energy of other sannyasins will be totally different, and things will happen faster. Otherwise you remain an outsider, a visitor, and a subtle barrier continues to exist. Even in the groups it will be there; in meditations it will be there. Nobody wants it to be there, but it is natural.

So once you are in orange and a sannyasin, things change, things move faster. The very gesture of taking sannyas breaks something in you... something melts. it is a gesture of trust. You trust me more and I can work deeper and easily.

So I think you take the jump.

[The visitor answers: There is something inside me which tells me not to.]

Then listen to your inside - but it is the same inside which is creating the block. But then, listen to it.

Whenever you feel, you can come, but then I will decide whether I will give it to you or not, remember that. Because if something inside me (a chuckle) says no... mm?

Wait, we will see.

[A sannyasin said she was still hoping her man would come to visit her from Germany, but it had been many months now since he said he would come.... ]

Why not find a sannyasin here?...

It will be better. It will not be the same, that I know, but my sannyasins are better people always!

Make a try. If you don't, then I will fix somebody - and then you will be in trouble, mm!

So first you try... and do it quickly. Once I fix, there is no way to get out of it. (laughter from the group) You just try. How many days would you like? (more laughter)...

That's perfectly good... two weeks you try. Fifteenth day, I fix. There is nothing to worry about... so many people, such a great world - why go on clinging to one person?

Always be true to love... don't be too much worried with persons.

[Osho sent a message to a sannyasin to return to England to run the country centre, but he doesn't want to leave here. He says: Why me?]

Somebody has to go there because the country centre is really a lovely place. Have you seen the pictures? Somebody has to be there and take charge. More and more people will be coming for groups and camps and everything, so it will be an ashram. Someone has to be there permanently, and I was thinking you would be perfectly good there.

If you don't want to go there is no point, because if you don't want to it will not be good. Then I will find somebody else.

[The sannyasin says: I was feeling rejected, that you were sending me away.]

No no. You have been selected, not rejected. (much laughter from the group) And they will give you a farewell party when you leave!

It is not rejection at all, not at all. So if you don't want to leave then I will have to select somebody else. And it is a selection because it is going to be a big place soon - forty rooms with many people staying there permanently too. It has big grounds and is just sixty miles away from London.

It is going to become a great centre, so you just think about it. And be unburdened. If you feel like it, you go, otherwise....