Chapter 5

Anand means bliss and Rudra is one of the names of Shiva. The Hindus have a trinity of gods.

Brahma is the creator god, or God's creative function. Vishnu is one who maintains the existence, or God's maintaining function. And Shiva or Rudra is one who destroys the world when it is no more needed; God's destructive functioning.

Each creation needs destruction, and without destruction there is no creation. That is one of the most beautiful concepts ever evolved because it combines both the polarities. So Rudra is the function of the divine of destruction. The very word means wildness, chaos, because each creation is out of chaos. So it is not negative in the western sense. It is very positive.

If you really want to be born, you will have to die. That death is very positive. If you want to make a new house, you demolish the old. That demolishing is very very positive, because without it the new will never happen.

So Rudra is the god who goes on destroying that which has become old and is no more needed. It is a very revolutionary concept. The christian concept of creation is as if it happened once, forever.

Somewhere in the past God created the world and since then He has not bothered with it. There has been no connection, no live connection.

But the hindu concept is that God goes on creating continuously. It is not that in some moment He created the world. The creation is continuous and eternal. Right this moment He is doing the creation, so He is more like creativity than like a creator. Of course when He continuously creates, He has to destroy. So whatsoever has become useless, whatsoever becomes mechanical, whatsoever becomes old, is destroyed.

I give you this name, Rudra, to be creatively destructive. Whatsoever you feel has become old, is of no use, that you just go on carrying out of habit, destroy. Go on destroying the past so the future is

allowed to be. Go on destroying the junk that the past accumulates naturally, so that the future can have space within you and can enter you.

[The new sannyasin describes his experiences being here; tears and laughter; no sexual energy; watching his mind like a movie: It felt good but I'm just wondering what is happening.]

There is no need to know - let it happen. Everything is happening as it should. Don't be worried about sexual energy. I can see that you are very soft, not gross, and that your sexual energy will be expressed in softer forms - warmth, love, affection; not even love... affection, friendship. It will not be grossly physical, but it is perfectly good.

You can start from a higher level; your work can start from a higher level. Everybody has to come to that level, but people have to start from where they are. So it is good... you should feel happy about it. Remember that many people are at the very gross level so they can make you feel guilty - as if something is wrong with you. Don't be worried. They are in the majority, so if you say you don't feel sexual, they will say that you are inhibited, repressed, this and that.

Freud has done a great service and also a great disservice - a great service to free, liberate people from inhibitions, but he has done a great disservice also. If somebody is not grossly sexual, a certain condemnation arises. One starts thinking that something is wrong: 'I am blocked, frozen, inhibited, repressed.' One starts feeling that something is wrong.

The whole wheel has moved to the-opposite polarity. Before Freud, people were very very guilty about sex. For centuries, in the West particularly, people lived under a very wrong notion of sex being the sin, so when sex was felt, they would feel guilty. Freud turned the whole wheel. Now if people don't feel sexual, they feel guilty - but guilt remains.

So never be worried about it. It is perfectly okay. You have a very very soft energy, moving on a higher stratum, more close to the heart centre than to the sex centre. Allow it, because one can force it downwards. That will be very very foolish. People try to bring it up and you are already there, near the heart centre, so help it to go higher. And everything is perfectly good. Good.

[A sannyasin describes a satori: I experienced something like a temporary enlightenment, and I recognised that nothing I can do can make any difference to anything - to what can happen to me.

So I've been very lazy and my mind has just sort of closed up. There's no real moving ahead, no experience.]

Nothing to worry about... but you start meditating. It is perfectly right. There is nothing you can do.

It happens when it happens, but by your doing you prepare the way for it to happen. You cannot force it to happen. It is not a cause and effect thing - that you do something so as an effect it has to happen. It is not that way. But you do do something; you prepare the way for it. You can do something which can hinder the way. It happens when it happens, but if you are not ready, you may by-pass it and you may not even recognise it.

Many people come near the first glimpses of satori, samadhi, enlightenment, in the natural course of life, but they cannot recognise it because they are not ready for it. It is as if a very great diamond is giver! to someone who has never heard about diamonds. He will think it is a stone because he has no way to recognise it.

One has to become a sort of jeweller so that one can recognise. When it happens, it happens only then. There is no way to force it and to manipulate it. You cannot make it happen, but if it happens you will be ready to recognise it. If you stop meditations your readiness will disappear. Continue meditations so that you are ready, you are throbbing, waiting, so that when it passes by your side you are open to receive it.

It may have passed by you many times, but since four days ago you have become a little alert about it. That is because of your meditation. If you stop your meditations completely you will lose that capacity. So continue and don't be lazy. And when I say to go on meditating, I don't mean that by meditating, enlightenment is going to happen. That I'm not saying. I am saying that you will be ready. When it happens you will not miss it. You will absorb it. You will drink it to the very last. You will become filled by it.

[The Primal Therapy group were at darshan tonight.

In describing the dynamics of Primal therapy, Osho has said:]

Once something is exposed, it evaporates. Hide a thing and it remains with you. It is just like taking the roots out of the earth. Once you have exposed the roots to the air and to the sun, the tree is dead. If the roots remain deep down in the earth you can go on cutting the tree again and again, but again it will sprout.

Never fight with branches. The whole effort in these groups is to make you alert not to fight with branches and with leaves. It is futile. Bring the roots up and see what exactly is the problem.

Primal therapy simply means taking people back to their childhood. They will have to relive it again in imagination and whatsoever has remained incomplete will have to be completed in imagination.

Then those problems will disappear.

[Osho checks the energy of a group member and said that he had been affected by the loss of his mother.... ]

It is very difficult for a child to be genuine and happy without the mother. If the mother is lost in the early childhood, it is almost as if the juice disappears from the child. He becomes dry. That's why you feel like a monk.

The mother is not just a caretaker. She is not only giving you food, she is giving you a life energy.

She is continuously pouring her love into you. Her affection makes you feel that you are loved, needed, appreciated, that you are valuable, that without you somebody is going to be very very unhappy. Your smile is significant. It makes others smile.

Once the mother is not there, the child is cut off from existence. Others will take care, food will be taken care of, everything will be okay, but there will be no one who feels tremendously happy just because you are there. Just your being makes somebody tremendously happy. The child starts feeling as if he is a sort of a burden. People are taking care of him, but he feels not needed. It would have been better if he were not.

Those very indirect, subtle feelings, enter into the heart and they make one dry. That's what has happened. But in a way it is simpler to solve than if it were a karmic chain, because just reliving it you will become alive again. Just recognising the fact that this is what has happened, the whole load will disappear.

You need some meaning in your life. If the mother is missing, the meaning is missing. If meaning can be caught hold of again, you will find that the existence has become your mother.

Just the other day I was reading a sentence of Jean-Paul Sartre. He thinks that man is an impotent passion, a futile passion. Failure is certain. There is no meaning. Life is just accidental, not going anywhere. He says that life is like a child who is asleep in a train and is awakened by an inspector who wants to check the ticket, but the child has no ticket and no money either to pay for it. Not only that, the child is not at all aware of where he is going, what his destination is and why he is in the train. And the last but not the least, the child cannot figure it out because he has never decided to be on the train in the first place. Why is he there?

This situation is becoming more and more common to the modern mind because man is somehow uprooted, meaning is missing. One simply feels, 'Why? Where am I going?' You don't know where you are going and you don't know why you are in the train. You don't have a ticket and you don't have the money to pay for it, and still you cannot get out of the train. There are guards who won't allow you to jump out of it, because to commit suicide is a great crime. You are neither allowed to go out of the train nor do you see any point in being in the train because you don't know where you are going and you never decided to be there in the first place. Everything seems to be chaos, maddening.

This has happened because roots in love have been lost. It is not only your case. It is obvious that your mother died, but don't feel sorry for yourself because of it, because people whose mothers are alive are in the same boat; sometimes even in a worse state. Motherhood has somehow died. It is not a question of a mother dying. Motherhood has disappeared. Love has disappeared. People are just living loveless lives... somehow pulling themselves. So what to do?

I know that everybody one day feels like a child in a train. Still I don't say that life is going to be a failure, because in this big train there are millions of people fast asleep, but there is always somebody who is awake. The child can search and find somebody who is not asleep and snoring, someone who has consciously entered the train, someone who knows where the train is going, or at least knows where he is going. Being in the vicinity of that person, the child also learns the ways of becoming more conscious. That's what is needed for you.

Become more conscious, because whatsoever happened, happened, and whatsoever has not happened, has not happened. There is no point in being too puzzled about it. Just become more conscious and have a look at your past life very deliberately, without any justification, rationalisation - just naked facts. Allow that movie of your past life to come across your eyes again and again.

Make it a point every night before you go to sleep, for half an hour start again from the very beginning.

Don't go backwards; start from the very beginning. Start from the first thing in your life and then move towards the point where you are. You will be surprised - many many more new points will be bubbling up. By and by you will be able to remember further back, further back.

One day you will remember the day that you were born out of the womb. The day you remember that and you pass through that agony and pain, there will be the primal scream. The goal is to come to the primal scream, because it is such an agony that it became the first repression by the mind.

That is at the very base of the mind. Once that repression is dissolved, you have a totally new mind, a new orientation, fresh.

Once you are free of the past and the dryness of the past, you will again feel flowing, alive, again a child full of wonder, surprise, meaning, poetry, mm? It will happen.

[A group member says: I feel that I'm really resisting letting go of control. The last thing I want to do is to suffer. I'm really seeing the games I play... ]

Nobody wants to suffer, but we carry the seeds of suffering within us. The whole point of working on oneself is to burn those seeds. The burning may give you a little suffering but it is nothing compared to your whole life of misery. Once those seeds are destroyed, your whole life will become a life of delight. So if you are just avoiding suffering and avoiding facing suffering that is inside you, you are creating a situation in which through the whole of life you will be full of suffering.

So in fact you are not gaining anything, you are losing. In a group it is a deliberate effort to bring your wounds to the surface. It is surgical and therapeutic. Once they come to the surface they start healing. It is a healing process. But I know that when you have a wound you don't want anybody to touch it. You don't in fact want to know that you have it. You want to hide it, but by hiding it, it is not going to heal. It has to be opened to the sunrays, to the winds.

It may be painful in the beginning, but when it heals then you will understand. And there is no other way to heal it. It has to be brought to consciousness. Just the very bringing to consciousness is the process of healing. So don't play these games, because you are the loser. You can never win.

Five days are enough. Just drop these games and for five days just see. If you want to go on playing, it is for you to decide. It is nobody's business.

[The sannyasin answers: I feel that I've been trying but the effort doesn't really... ]

No, you are not trying. That may again be a game. You pretend that you are trying. Otherwise there is no problem, no problem at all. Once you understand that you don't want to play the game, finished. Tomorrow morning it can happen. Tomorrow morning come with the decision - 'I am not going to play the games.' Just see what happens.

At least for one day be true, and then you will see that no effort is needed. Just the very decision that you are not going to play the game but are going to be real, is enough. You try it tomorrow.

And you are doing the Intensive immediately afterwards? That will be very good. If something is left behind, it will bring it up. You cannot escape me! You can play a little, waste your time, that's one thing, but... mm?

[A group member says: ... I'm desperately trying to anticipate what's going to happen before it does.

Is this the fear you were talking about?]

Exactly. The fear of the unknown.

... Your past is not a problem to you, but your future. Your fear is future-oriented; your fear is not past-oriented. But this is the insight I wanted you to recognise and see. That's why I told you to do the Primal. One cannot sort it out, and the past is very heavy, so even if one is afraid of the future one goes on thinking that something has happened in the past, that's why one is afraid.

The past is that which has happened, is that which is defined. You can describe it. The future is that which has not happened yet, so it is very illusive; you cannot define it. There is nothing definite which you can point to as being your fear. So I wanted you to feel this. If nothing is coming from the past - and that was my feeling; that nothing would come - you become aware that the fear is coming out of the future. It is fear of the unknown. It is not fear concerned with your birth in the past.

It is fear concerned with your birth in the future.

.... So it is not a question of settling anything with your mother. It is something to be settled with yourself. It is absolutely your problem. Nobody else is involved in it.

[The sannyasin replies: Yes, I have fears about the pain of rebirth.]

A very good insight and of tremendous significance. But work these five days; don't relax. Once this insight is perfectly clear to you, the door to the past is closed, and then the work with the future starts. Then half the battle is done, already won. So work hard. I don't see that there is anything that is going to come, but this has to become your recognition. It has to become your knowing. My saying is not going to help.

So work hard and see for yourself. Once you finish this Primal I will start something else, mm?

[A group member said that at the beginning of the group she had struggled to retain the good space she had discovered in herself before commencing the group, but gradually she had sunk down and down into the mud until she had had to let go of the space altogether.

Osho said one needed go to the very depths because there only could one find one's roots and, out of that, a strong feeling of one's being would arise. He said it was painful but that pain was necessary and one would come out of it more spontaneous, childlike and simple.]

[One of the leaders said: What's mainly been bothering me is that I don't feel anything very intensely.]

So don't ! There is nothing wrong in it.

It changes... climates change. Sometimes it is winter, sometimes it is summer. If you are always in the same, you will feel stuck.

... Because you want to have something other than what is happening. One has to learn to like that which is happening. That is what I call maturity. One has to like that which is already there.

Immaturity is always living in 'oughts', 'shoulds', and never living in the 'is' - and 'is' is the case.

'Should' is just a dream.

One 'should' live intensely. Why? Whatsoever is the case is good. Love it and like it and relax into it. When sometimes intensity comes, love it. When it goes, goodbye. Things change... life is a flux. Nothing remains the same, so sometimes great spaces and sometimes nowhere to move. But both are good. Both are gifts from God. One should be so grateful that whatsoever happens, one is grateful, thankful.

I don't see any problem. Just enjoy it. This is what is happening right now. Tomorrow it may change; then enjoy that. The day after tomorrow something else may happen. Enjoy that. Don't compare the past with futile future fantasies. Live the moment. Sometimes it is hot, sometimes very cold, but both are needed otherwise life will disappear. It lives in polarities.

So let this be your meditation: whatsoever happens, like it. Give it a try, mm?

[A group member says: I think I'm confused about my sexuality. Every time I try to go to bed with a man, I feel so much fear... and I'm not enjoying it.]

... I think for a few days you should stop moving, because that may be the whole thing. Sometimes it happens that you don't have any sexual needs and you are forcing it because it is the thing to do.

People have very wrong notions about everything. If sex is not there, people think, 'You are dead!

What are you doing? For what are you living?'

So for these three weeks, have no relationship. Just be alone and enjoy aloneness and just have a feel of what happens. In these three weeks, note whether there is some intense passion for sex or not. If there is not, the fear is just because you are forcing something against yourself. If you feel intensely sexual, then tell me, and there will be something else. But just watch for these three weeks.

As I feel it there is no intense sexuality in you so it is almost as if you are forcing yourself. You really don't enjoy it. You pretend that you enjoy it, but your need is not sex. Your need is something else.

Your need is to be needed and sex seems to be the easiest thing to have somebody need you. But it is not your need.

So be celibate and just watch. And be true, because that will be decisive for your future. If you feel sexual, tell me. If you don't feel anything at all and you feel happy, good, just tell me. Mm? Good.

[A group member said that during the group many things were happening to him, and today has been quiet, possibly because he does not want to feel his fear.]

Mm mm. I can understand. That too is a happening - feeling quiet, silent - and it is a greater happening than other things which are noisy. But when you are crying, shouting, you feel that some-thing is happening. When you are not crying, not shouting, not screaming, just feeling a deep silence, you think nothing is happening. You don't know that this too is a great happening... greater than the others. In fact those others have paved the way for this. This is the goal. They are just the means. But in the beginning it will look empty, everything gone. You are sitting and nothing is happening.

Nothing is happening... and nothing is very positive. It is the most positive thing in the world. Buddha has called that nothing 'nirvana', the ultimate. So allow it, cherish it, and let it happen more, welcome

it. When it happens just close your eyes and enjoy it so it comes more. This is the treasure, but in the beginning I can understand. It happens to everybody.

There are many things people call explosions. When they disappear and the real thing comes, they don't have any notion of what it is and they simply miss their explosions. They would like those explosions to happen again. They may even start forcing them, but they will destroy the whole thing.

So wait. If something explodes on its own, it is okay, but don't force it. If silence is exploding, enjoy it. You should be happy about it. This is the misery of the world - people don't know what is what, so sometimes they are happy when they are miserable and sometimes when they should be happy, when happiness is really close, they become miserable. But good, allow it more and more.