Now you have it

Maneesha, Zen is more like poetry, like music, like dance. It is not a philosophy; hence, no conceptual thinking can comprehend it. Mind is absolutely impotent as far as Zen is concerned. You have to go beyond mind to have some taste of Zen. Going beyond the mind simply means dropping all thoughts, creating a vacuum -- a nothingness. But that nothingness is not empty; it is just like the sky. It is full of nothingness.

And when your eyes are without any dust and your mind is without any thoughts, you see clearly, straight into reality. It is not a question of belief. You don't have to believe what you will be seeing, you have simply to clean your inner eye, your vision, and the reality will appear on its own accord, not according to anybody's belief. Hence, those who have beliefs never attain to reality.

I am making a statement against all religions. They are all based on belief -- believe first, then you will know. But once you believe you have closed the doors of inquiry, once you believe you have accepted your ignorance, your blindness. You have accepted that somebody else has known -- "What is the need for me to know? I have just to believe in Jesus Christ or Krishna or Buddha." But when Buddha drinks the water, your thirst is not quenched; and when Jesus eats, your hunger does not disappear. Even these ordinary things, mundane, you have to experience individually -- what to say about the ultimate experience? And Zen is the name of the ultimate experience.

You cannot depend on anybody. You cannot believe anybody's experience. You have to drop all beliefs, all thoughts, all philosophies, all religions, and you have to go, utterly innocent, inside your own being.

From there the door opens and life takes a new color, a new radiance, a new joy. Your words are no more empty, they contain overflowing significance. Your gestures become meaningful for the first time. Your actions have a poetry of their own. Your very movement is a dance because you have known the innermost blissfulness. It starts overflowing you in your actions, in your words, in your silences. It starts overflowing and reaching to others. You become almost a fountain, showering all around.

Or you can say you become a beautiful lotus spreading, radiating its perfume all over the space; whether anybody is there or not is not the point. Even in the faraway forest the rose will spread its joy, its fragrance. Perhaps a passer-by may be enriched by it, but it is not the point, whether anybody gets it or not.

When truth is realized, the overflowing of it is intrinsic. This you have to understand before I take up Tozan, because Tozan is one of the great masters. All his statements are just an overflowing of his experience; he is not quoting scriptures, he is simply sharing his experience.

And whenever somebody is sharing his own experience it is not a question of belief or not -- just enjoy it. Perhaps in your enjoyment you may get some glimpse, very invisible ... some click, not available to the outside world. Perhaps for a moment the heartbeat stops, or takes a totally different rhythm.

If Zen was a philosophy it would be very easy to convey it. If it was a religion it would not be difficult -- there are thousands of scriptures depicting religion. But it is something more miraculous than anything else in the world. You can taste it, you can drink it, you can relish it, you can dance out of sheer joy, but you cannot say it.

That is the only difficulty with Zen -- you cannot say it. And unfortunately man has become too much language-oriented; he has forgotten other ways of communication. There are many other ways of communication. The idea that language is the only way of communication has made humanity very poor, very prosaic. It has lost the mystery of poetry, it has lost the meaningless, but utterly significant, music of existence. Now dance has become a discipline, outwardly practiced, rehearsed, but not something growing from within you and spreading out.

Discussing Tozan, you will have to remember that he is trying his best to say that which cannot be said. Every master has tried to say it; nobody has ever succeeded. One wonders why, if it cannot be said, why people should try to say it. One of the most prominent philosophers of the modern world, Wittgenstein, has written perhaps the most profound book of this century. In one of his books, TRACTATUS, he comes to the point where he is almost turning into a mystic. He says, "That which cannot be said should not be said."

I was a student -- he was alive -- and I wrote him a letter saying, "You have contradicted yourself: 'That which cannot be said should not be said.' You are also saying something about it."

He must have been a man of tremendous honesty; immediately a letter came with an apology. He said, "It is true. I never thought about it, that even to say that nothing should be said, you have already said something."

One has to understand that all the mystics of the world have been in a tremendous difficulty. They know it cannot be said, but still they say -- they try at least their best. My own understanding is, it cannot be said but it can be heard. That is the reason why the mystics go on speaking, knowing perfectly well it is not possible to put it into language, but hoping that somebody may hear it between the words, between the lines, in the gestures, in the eyes of the master, in his presence, in his intimacy.

Perhaps just as a flame can jump to another unlit candle if you bring them close enough, intimate enough ... The master's work is to bring the disciple close enough to his inner flame, which is a fire. Because it is a fire, only the daring ones come very close to the master, because it is going to burn you completely and utterly. It is going to be your death -- and a resurrection.

The old, ancient Sanskrit scriptures say that the master is a death, but that is incomplete.

The master is also the eternal life, beyond death. But of course, first comes the death. The disciple comes close to the master and dies into his fire, into his love, and is resurrected in a totally new being: fresh, innocent, and a child of eternity. That's what Tozan's first statement is.

TOZAN SAID:

THE TEACHING OF THUSNESS HAS BEEN INTIMATELY COMMUNICATED BY BUDDHAS AND PATRIARCHS. NOW YOU HAVE IT, SO KEEP IT WELL.

Every word is so full of significance.

THE TEACHING OF THUSNESS ...

It is a very strange way, particularly for people who are not acquainted with the world of Zen. Thusness is as important, or perhaps more important, than the so-called gods of all your religions. 'Thusness' means this moment your silent existence is all there is to discover.

Its splendor is great, but you will have to pay for it. You will have to pay for it with your mind, with your personality. You will have to go beyond your facade, your so-called cultured personality, your knowledge cultivated by others and from others. You will have to lose all this garbage ... you will have to be utterly empty. In that emptiness you will feel for the first time the experience of thusness.

Thusness can also be translated as 'thisness'. It can also be translated as 'suchness'. The original word used by Gautam Buddha is tathata. Just being in the moment -- no past, no future -- just being here, one-pointed, and the door of all the mysteries of existence opens.

The teaching of thusness is the teaching of all the great masters, and it has been intimately communicated because there is no other way. I am communicating it this very moment, but not through my words, in the silences, in the gaps. When you feel simply this moment in its utter purity, you have become intimate with all the buddhas -- past, present, future.

The word 'buddha' is very significant; it means one who has attained to thusness. Just because of thusness, Buddha's other name is Tathagat. 'Tathagat' means one who lives moment to moment, who knows nothing of the past and who knows nothing of the future, who is utterly settled and centered here and now.

The moment you are centered here and now you are an intimate of all the buddhas. The moment you are intimate with reality, obviously you are intimate with all the masters and all the mystics.

This very moment you are connected with existence, but you go on roaming in the mind and you completely forget that behind the mind and beyond the mind there is a witness which is watching silently. You come across these experiences every day but you don't take much note of it.

For example, I was a student of a Mohammedan teacher and he was very strict; he was known in the school as the most strict person. The first day of his class he entered and said to us, "I want you to remember always, don't ask me for leave because you are having a headache or stomachache. Anything that I cannot see, I don't believe." Students do that continuously: "I have a headache so I want to go home."

That very evening ... He used to go for an evening walk, and just in front of his house there were two kadamb trees, very beautiful trees, so I waited in one tree with a big rock in my hand. He returned -- it was getting dark -- and I dropped the rock on his head. He freaked out.

I said, "Shut up! Now do you believe in headaches?"

He looked at me surprised, a little bit shocked. He said, "Listen, we can negotiate. If you have a headache just raise one finger and I will allow you to go out, but don't make it a public thing. I will not say anything about this rock that you have thrown on me. It is a compromise."

I said, "I never compromise. In the first place, I don't believe that you have been hurt."

He said, "You are strange ..."

I said, "You are strange. Remember in the morning, at the beginning of the class, you said you don't believe in headaches? I am going to make this incident public knowledge."

But it is something far more important than just an incident. When you have a headache, how do you know? There must be a watcher behind the head who knows the headache. The headache itself cannot know; there must be a witness, a watcher, who knows the headache, who knows the stomachache, who feels emotions and can watch those emotions.

When you are full of anger, if you sit down and watch you can watch the anger clouds all around you, dark. When you are in love you can watch a certain perfume, a certain beauty, a certain blissfulness all around you. Every moment in ordinary life you are coming across the witness but you have never recognized it, you have just not taken note of it. At this very moment I am speaking to you, you are hearing me. Just look a little more back -- there is a witness who knows that you are hearing. That witness is your eternity.

"By all these mystics, the message has been conveyed intimately" means, they have brought people closer to them. All their words are nothing but fishermen's nets. Through their words they bring you closer. If their words trigger something in you, you feel pulled, magnetized, and the closer you come the less you are. And when you have become really intimate, you disappear -- you, as you have known yourself -- and the one who is behind, who you had never taken note of, comes in front. For the first time you know you are only a witnessing consciousness, everything else is a clothing.

Your inner center, which is the connecting link with the universal heart from where you get your life, your love, your joy, is to be found in witnessing. The master is a witness.

Becoming intimate with him, the fire of witnessing simply jumps in a single, instantaneous moment. Where there was all dark suddenly becomes light; where there was all misery suddenly becomes a tremendous joy overflowing you, and a great longing arises in you.

Just as before you wanted more money, more power, more prestige, now there is only one longing -- how to spread this fire. Because unless a person is burned completely, all his falsities gone, he will never know the beauty and the truth and the splendor of existence, which was available to him every moment.

THE TEACHING OF THUSNESS HAS BEEN INTIMATELY COMMUNICATED BY BUDDHAS. NOW YOU HAVE IT ...

Tozan must be talking to his disciples.

I am saying to you, you have it. I am not simply reading Tozan. On my own accord I am saying to you: you have it. Take note of it and don't forget it. In ordinary life go on remembering that you are a buddha. Nothing else is needed, this very remembrance that you are a buddha is going to transform all your activities.

I am reminded of a great mystic, Nagarjuna. He used to live naked, and even kings and queens used to touch his feet. He was absolutely a beggar -- he had not even a begging bowl.

So while he was visiting the capital the queen presented him with a golden begging bowl studded with diamonds. With tears she asked him not to reject it.

Nagarjuna said, "I will not reject it, I will not hurt your feelings, but it will be very difficult for me to keep it for long -- a naked man, and I have to sleep also. Anybody can steal it. I sleep under the sky, I sleep under a tree ... It is not going to be with me for long."

But the queen said, "It does not matter, I will prepare another better than this. Now it is a question of my prestige. So if it is lost, whenever I see you again you will get another."

Nagarjuna said, "I have no objection."

A thief was hearing all this and said, "My god. A golden bowl worth millions of rupees, studded with diamonds, and this naked man ... it is absolutely unsuitable, it does not fit." So he followed Nagarjuna thinking, "Let this fellow go to sleep ..." Nagarjuna was staying in ruins outside the town where doors were missing, where walls had fallen -- and this thief was hiding behind a wall.

Nagarjuna was watching -- "Somebody is following me. Obviously he cannot be following me to these ruins. He must be following for the begging bowl." Then he saw the thief hiding behind a wall. He threw the begging bowl outside the window and told the man, "Take it. I will not force you to become a thief, I give it to you as a gift."

Do you see how the buddhas behave? "I will not force you to become a thief because that will be my crime, not your crime. I give it to you as a gift. Just take it and run away." The man could not run away, could not believe it. He was almost frozen. He had never seen such a man, who can throw a thing worth millions of rupees just as if it is nothing, and he is saving him from being a thief. He is giving it to him as he would give a friend a gift.

Something triggered in the thief's heart. He said, "Can I come inside and touch your feet and sit by your side just for a few minutes? I have never seen such a man like you."

Nagarjuna said to him, "That was exactly the purpose of throwing the bowl, to bring you in. Come in, sit down."

He followed everything. He asked Nagarjuna, "How could you manage to throw such a precious thing? I am a thief, to be honest. I cannot be dishonest to a man like you. And you have been so compassionate that you don't want me to be a thief, but that is my profession."

Nagarjuna said, "There is no harm, you continue to be a thief. Just remember one thing, that you are a buddha."

He said, "My god, I am a thief and you are telling me to remember that I am a buddha!"

Nagarjuna said, "This is enough. You just try, and I am going to stay for two weeks. You can come anytime, day or night, to give me the result, what happens."

After the third day he was there with the begging bowl, asking Nagarjuna, "Please take it back; otherwise I will be murdered. Now the whole town knows that I have got it. I have been hiding it here and there but it can be protected only by a queen or a king."

Nagarjuna said, "You leave it here, it is not important. What is important is, what happened to the discipline I had given to you?"

He said, "You have given me a tremendous discipline. I first thought, 'It is so easy just to remember that I am a buddha.' But you are very clever, because when I went to steal something, just the remembrance that 'I am a buddha' and I would get frozen, my hands would not move to take anything. For three days I have not stolen a single thing. This is unprecedented in my life. And I don't think that again I will be able to steal. This is a dangerous thing you have said to me, because the moment I find an opportunity to steal something, the remembrance that I am a buddha ... I simply relax, I escape -- it is not right for a buddha. I cannot let you down or let the buddha down."

Nagarjuna said, "That is your problem. But take this begging bowl because somebody will take it, and it does not matter who takes it."

He said, "Forget all about it. Just as you remember, I also remember: I am a buddha."

The very remembrance of who you are is going to transform your whole life. You cannot do anything against your consciousness. You have been doing it because you have been unaware. The only secret is to achieve a recognition that inside you there is a witnessing self.

The name of the witnessing self is the buddha. In every act, in every word, just remember your inner being -- its blissfulness, its silence, its grandeur, its eternity -- and you cannot be the same man.

This is called the transmission of the lamp. It happens in the intimacy of the master and the disciple. Nothing is said but something is understood. The very energy of the master, the very presence simply penetrates you and awakens you, brings you out of your dreams and your sleep. That is the meaning of the word 'buddha': one who is awake.

NOW YOU HAVE IT, SO KEEP IT WELL.

FILLING A SILVER BOWL WITH SNOW, HIDING A HERON IN THE MOONLIGHT -- WHEN YOU ARRAY THEM, THEY ARE NOT THE SAME. WHEN YOU MIX THEM, YOU KNOW WHERE THEY ARE. THE MEANING IS NOT IN THE WORDS, YET IT RESPONDS TO THE INQUIRING IMPULSE. IF YOU ARE EXCITED, IT BECOMES A PITFALL; IF YOU MISS IT, YOU FALL INTO RETROSPECTIVE HESITATION.

TURNING AWAY AND TOUCHING ARE BOTH WRONG, FOR IT IS LIKE A MASS OF FIRE.

When you go in, you are entering into a mass of fire. Touching it is dangerous. Turning away from it is dangerous. Just remembering it, that your inner world is not dark but is radiant with thousands of suns, is going to transform your life in every detail.

JUST TO DEPICT IT IN LITERARY FORM IS TO RELEGATE IT TO DEFILEMENT.

IT IS BRIGHT JUST AS MIDNIGHT. IT DOESN'T APPEAR AT DAWN. IT ACTS AS A GUIDE FOR BEINGS -- ITS USE REMOVES ALL PAIN.

ALTHOUGH IT IS NOT FABRICATED, IT IS NOT WITHOUT SPEECH. IT IS LIKE FACING A JEWEL MIRROR: FORM AND IMAGE BEHOLD EACH OTHER. YOU ARE NOT IT, IT ACTUALLY IS YOU.

When you are facing a mirror, you see yourself in the mirror. Tozan is saying, YOU ARE NOT IT, IT ACTUALLY IS YOU.

It is a complicated phenomenon. When you stand before a mirror, one ray of light is going towards the mirror, making your reflection in the mirror; another ray is coming towards you so that you can witness that the mirror is reflecting you.

But you are neither the reflected one nor the reflection. You are the witness, which no mirror can reflect. A witness is always simply a witness. It cannot be anything, not even a reflection.

IT IS LIKE A BABE IN THE WORLD, IN FIVE ASPECTS COMPLETE. IT DOES NOT GO OR COME, NOR RISE NOR STAND.

It simply is. It neither goes nor comes, it is neither born nor dies, it is neither young nor old, it is neither man nor woman. It is simply a pure witnessing, watching.

You cannot go behind it, or beyond it. You cannot watch your own watching. That will create a logical regress -- what they call in logic 'infinite regression'. If you say that you can watch your watcher, that means watcher number one is being watched by watcher number two -- what about number three? Where are you going to stop? Wherever you will stop ... you will have to stop somewhere. You will get tired -- millions and trillions, all watching the next.

Finally you will have to say that "This is the last." But why go so far away? The first is the last! You cannot go behind it.

Have you seen small children when for the first time they see a mirror? If you have not, you can do the experiment. A small child who cannot stand up yet and moves on all fours, just put a mirror in front of him. First he will be very inquiring -- the fellow is there ... He cannot think that it is his own reflection; he has never seen his own reflection. He does not know that mirrors exist.

First he will try to touch the fellow. But it is strange, the fellow also touches him. He laughs, the fellow laughs; he mimics, the fellow mimics. A strange fellow! And when he touches there is nothing but glass. Without exception, every child is going to have a look behind the mirror -- where is the other child hiding? He will crawl around the side and look behind.

A Mulla Nasruddin story ... By the side of the road he found a small mirror. He looked into it, and he said, "My god, this looks like my father. I had never thought that he is so fashionable." He could not conceive that it was his own reflection, he had never seen a mirror before -- this was the first encounter.

And of course it looked ... the only way for him to conceive it was, it looked like his father. His father was dead; he himself had become very old. It really looked like his father.

But he said, "I have never thought that he is so fashionable. He was a very traditional man, very orthodox. But anyway, it is good I have found it. I will keep it as his memory."

So he came home, but he did not want his wife to know about it. But no man has ever been able to hide anything from his wife. Just by the way he entered the wife said, "It seems you have done something wrong."

He said, "My god, I have not done anything wrong."

She said, "I will see. Your face seems to be that of a guilty man."

He went upstairs and put the mirror in an old trunk. And when he had gone out for work the wife went up, opened the box and took out the mirror. She looked into it and she said, "My god. So, he is having a love affair with some ugly looking, tattered woman. Now let him come back ..."

If you have never seen a mirror, it is obvious -- you cannot immediately think that it is your reflection.

A drunkard came home. Not to create trouble, he went very silently into his wife's room.

He had to go to the bathroom, so he went into the bathroom and there he saw in the mirror that his face had scratches and blood on it, because he had been fighting in the pub.

He said, "This is going to be troublesome in the morning. When the wife sees it, I will be caught red-handed." So he tried somehow to hide those scratches, but he could not find anything other than a lipstick. He managed to cover all the scratches and was very happy at his success.

In the early morning, when the wife went into the bathroom, she shouted, "Who is the person ...? It must be you, you idiot! You destroyed my lipstick and you have destroyed the mirror." Because he had made all those lines on the mirror, where his face had been. This face was in a drunken state. Even that much was a great intelligence, to find that this is his face.

We are all drunk, almost living in sleepiness. Our actions go wrong; our intentions go wrong; our life becomes a misery, a pain, an anguish. But the ultimate reason and cause is that we are not aware of our being. Just a single thing contains all the essence of all the religions:

awareness of oneself. And then you cannot do anything wrong.

ULTIMATELY IT DOES NOT APPREHEND ANYTHING, BECAUSE ITS SPEECH IS NOT YET CORRECT. IT IS LIKE THE SIX LINES OF THE DOUBLE SPLIT HEXAGRAM: THE RELATIVE AND ABSOLUTE INTEGRATE. PILED UP, THEY MAKE THREE; THE COMPLETE TRANSFORMATION MAKES FIVE. IT IS LIKE THE TASTE OF THE FIVE-FLAVORED HERB, LIKE THE DIAMOND THUNDERBOLT.

The Zen experience is certainly a diamond thunderbolt. It comes like lightning, and suddenly everything that was dark becomes light. And once you have seen yourself, you cannot forget, even if you want to. Have you tried one thing: can you forget your name? Just try. The more you try to forget it, the more you will remember it, because each time, to forget you have to remember.

We have never looked in. Once you look in, a lightning thunderbolt ... and the recognition of the face of the buddha within you, your original face. Then even if you want to forget it you cannot. Once a buddha, forever a buddha. It is your essential self. It is not an achievement; it is not something far away, that you have to travel to get it. It is just a question of looking in, where you have never looked before.

All our meditations are devoted to a single thing, looking in.

A poem by Kanzan:

MY MIND IS LIKE THE AUTUMN MOON, UNDER WHICH THE GREEN POND APPEARS SO LIMPID, BRIGHT AND PURE.

IN FACT, ALL ANALOGIES AND COMPARISONS ARE INAPT.

IN WHAT WORDS CAN I DESCRIBE IT?

No words can describe the beauty of a moon reflected in the pond.

Daio wrote:

NO LONGER AWARE OF MIND AND OBJECT, I SEE EARTH, MOUNTAINS, RIVERS AT LAST.

THE DHARMAKAYA'S EVERYWHERE.

WORLDLINGS, FACING IT, CAN'T MAKE IT OUT.

Dharmakaya means your body of religiousness. Those who are looking outwards cannot find it; those who look inwards, they immediately jump into it. It is always there.

Question 1 Maneesha has asked:

OUR

THOSE DIAMOND THUNDERBOLTS YOU HURTLE AROUND YOU WHEN YOU DANCE WITH US EACH EVENING -- AT THE RATE WE'RE GOING, SOMEONE COULD BE KNOCKED CONSCIOUS!

BUT PLEASE, DON'T STOP!

Maneesha, I want you all to be knocked conscious. But you are so clever, such accomplished actors that you even act meditation. You follow Nivedano's drum just like actors. Nivedano drums and you start your gibberish just as if you are a robot, just waiting for Nivedano to push the button. But you are not total. If you are total, it will not be acting anymore.

You do, and you try to be total, but trying will not help -- you have to be total. I can hear and I can see: people are trying to do, in every possible way, but they know inside that it is all acting. That's where they miss the point.

Make it a reality, throw out all your garbage. Don't say relevant things; that you are doing every day, the whole day. Just for two minutes, go crazy without any fear. When you are going crazy yourself, you can come back any moment. When Nivedano beats his drum you will become silent.

But remember one thing: everything has to be authentic, sincere. Otherwise you will do every day the same thing; it will become automatic. You will become a good actor, but not a meditator. I want you really to be knocked conscious, because that is the only way to find the meaning and truth of life.

This evening, don't act, be real and be as total as possible. Throw out all the gibberish -- and you have enough. Don't be worried that you will miss it, it will come back! When you throw it out, it is just like a thrown ball. It hits the wall or the tree and comes back to you.

Here, all around, everybody is throwing his garbage. Once in a while it gets mixed up, entangled; I can see it, that you are getting somebody else's garbage.

But garbage is garbage ... and that's why I warn you, don't sit silently. Throw everything as fast as possible, because you have to throw yours and you have to avoid others' coming -- because everybody is throwing towards you. If you sit silently, you will collect such a good load of garbage that it will be very difficult for you even to move with that load -- a truckload!

I go on seeing, when people are throwing their garbage it goes on slipping from Stonehead Niskriya's head; it falls over it, jumps away. But he is really a stonehead. He remains silent, does not allow anything to enter into him.

Don't remain silent. Gibberish is one of the most scientific ways to clean your mind. And if somebody wants the garbage, he can take it; but here nobody wants it. So when you are throwing, be honest, don't act. When you are silent, be really silent. When you are looking in, then don't open your eyes even for a split second just to see what is happening to others. It is not your concern what is happening to them. Let them tackle their problem; you manage yours.

And when I say -- and Nivedano beats the drum -- to relax and let go, just fall like a falling tree; don't try to make yourself comfortable. That is the point where you miss. I see people making themselves comfortable. From the very beginning they look all around -- where will they have to relax? Which side to fall? You just fall as if you are falling dead. And there is no harm if you don't return. We will miss you, but you will give us another occasion for celebration!

Before this knocking out happens, a few laughters just to prepare the way. Even if you have to die, die laughing. And one never knows ... everybody has to die. Someday somebody is going to die here, but here death will be a totally different phenomenon. It will be a conscious death. And to die consciously is the greatest achievement in life because then you are never born again, you enter into the eternal sources of life.

That's why I tell a few jokes for you to remember in your eternity. Once in a while you may meet another sannyasin. And you will be able to recognize sannyasins when they tell jokes; nobody else is going to tell jokes. You will meet dry-bone sannyasins, old-type, old-fashioned. This will be your distinction, you will be known by your laughter.

Jablonski wants to have a date with Sally-May, so he goes to the pharmacy. Behind the counter is pretty Lucy Go-Good.

"Ahem!" says Jablonski, clearing his throat. "May I see the manager or a male clerk?"

"I am the manager now," smiles Lucy, "and we have no male clerks. Tell me what you want."

"Well," says Jablonski, nervously. "I would like a few condoms."

"Okay," replies Lucy. "What size?"

"Gosh!" says Jablonski. "I don't know. Do they come in sizes?"

"Come back here," says Lucy, taking him behind a curtain at the back of the store. "Just put it in," she says, lying back on a couch and lifting her skirt.

Jablonski is shocked, but seeing the situation, decides that it is okay. As he inserts his machinery, Lucy smiles and says, "Size seven. Take it out. Now, how many condoms do you want?"

Dazed, Jablonski staggers out of the store, with his package in his hand, and wanders down the street. He runs into Paddy.

"What do you have there?" asks Paddy, quietly finishing off a bottle of whisky.

Jablonski tells Paddy what just happened in the pharmacy, and Paddy's eyes light up. He dashes off and wobbles into the store where Lucy is still waiting behind the counter.

"Excuse me," slobbers Paddy, "but do you have condoms?"

"Yes," smiles Lucy. "What size?"

"Size?" smiles Paddy, trying not to laugh. "Gosh, I don't know."

"Well," remarks Lucy, easily, "come with me."

They go behind the curtain, Lucy lifts her skirt, throws herself on the couch and says, "Put it in." Paddy does, and does and does, until he is done.

"You take size eight," says Lucy getting up. "How many would you like?"

"Well," replies Paddy, "actually, I don't want any. I just came in for a fitting!"

Fergus Fillup makes himself a small distillery and starts to brew some illegal White Lightning whiskey. His whiskey is so strong that Fergus boasts it can burn its way through a steel plate.

One day, Fergus drinks a little too much of his home-made whiskey, and he sees so many animals running around his room that he sticks up a sign outside his house which reads:

"Fergus Fillup's Circus."

Police Officer O'Leary and his men go to investigate. Fergus invites O'Leary into his room and puts a large glass of White Lightning whiskey into the policeman's hand.

When officer O'Leary staggers out half an hour later, his men gather around him excitedly, asking him what happened.

Officer O'Leary raises his hand for silence.

"It is all right, men," he slobbers, "the worst is over. He has agreed to sell me half of the elephants!"

Ivan Ivanovitch is sitting at home in his apartment in Moscow, when he hears a loud knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asks Ivan nervously.

"It is the Angel of Death!" booms a voice.

"Ah, thank god," says Ivan. "I thought it was the KGB."

Paddy and Sean are out duck hunting. They creep down to the edge of Farmer Banana's pond and find lots of ducks swimming around near Banana's cows.

"Hey," says Paddy. "Those ducks are not afraid of that cow."

"I can see that," replies Sean, "but if you shoot at the ducks you might hit the cow."

"Yes, man," says Paddy. "But think -- what if we were in the skin of the cow?"

The next day they go to the theatrical outfitters and hire a cow costume. Paddy is in the front end and Sean in the rear. As they approach the pool, the ducks do not move at all.

Suddenly, there is panic in the front end of the cow, as Paddy tries to start running.

"Stop that, Paddy," hisses Sean. "You will frighten the ducks."

"Okay," says Paddy, "but you had better brace yourself. There is a bull right behind you!"

Now, Nivedano ...

(Drumbeat) (Gibberish) Nivedano ...

(Drumbeat) Be silent. Close your eyes.

Feel your body to be frozen.

Go inside. Look deep, as if you are looking into a deep well.

Deeper and deeper ...

until you find the center of your life radiating, a light unto itself. The moment you feel the light, a great joy and a great silence arise in you. This center connects you with the universe.

To be more intimate with the universe, Nivedano ...

(Drumbeat) Relax ... let go. Just watch. The body is there, the mind is there, but you are not the mind or the body.

You are just the witness. This witness is the buddha.

Remember, around the clock, that you are carrying a buddha within you. Act accordingly, respond accordingly. This small remembrance of the buddha within you is going to transform you totally into a new being:

radiant and dancing with joy, grateful to the universe, utterly humble, peaceful and loving.

This is the moment when Tozan must have said, THE TEACHING OF THUSNESS HAS BEEN INTIMATELY COMMUNICATED BY ALL THE BUDDHAS. NOW YOU HAVE IT, SO KEEP IT WELL.

Nivedano ...

(Drumbeat) Come back ... but not the same as you have gone in. Come back as a buddha, without any hesitation, silently, peacefully, gracefully.

Sit down for a few moments just reminding yourself that you are a buddha. And let this remembrance continue around the clock, and you will see a tremendous revolution happening within you and without you.

Your every act will become a poetry, your every movement will become a dance, your very breathing will become musical, your very heart will beat in deep synchronicity with the universe.

You will not be separate, you will be one with the oceanic consciousness that surrounds us all.

Okay, Maneesha?

Yes, Beloved Master.

Can we celebrate the ten thousand buddhas?

Yes, Beloved Master.