Be a joke unto yourself

Question 1:

Prem Bubula, I have told you that a woman is to be loved, not understood. That is the first understanding.

Life is so mysterious that our hands cannot reach to its heights, our eyes cannot look into its deepest mystery. Understanding any expression of existence -- men or women or trees or animals or birds -- is the function of science, not of a mystic. I am not a scientist. To me science itself is a mystery, and now scientists have started to recognize it -- they are dropping their old stubborn, superstitious attitude that one day they will know all that is to be known.

With Albert Einstein the whole history of science has taken a very different route because the more he went into the deepest core of matter, the more he became puzzled. All logic was left behind, all rationality was left behind. You cannot dictate to existence, because it does not follow your logic. Logic is man-made.

There was a point in Albert Einstein's life when he remembers that he was wavering about whether to insist on being rational... but that would be foolish. It would be human, but not intelligent. Even if you insist on logic, on rationality, existence is not going to change according to your logic; your logic has to change according to existence. And the deeper you go, existence becomes more and more mysterious.

A point comes when you have to leave logic and rationality and just listen to nature. I call it the ultimate understanding -- but not in the ordinary sense of understanding. You know it, you feel it, but there is no way to say it.

Man is a mystery, woman is a mystery, everything that exists is a mystery -- and all our efforts to figure it out are going to fail.

I am reminded of a man who was purchasing in a toy shop a present for his son for Christmas. He was a well-known mathematician, so naturally the shopkeeper brought out a jigsaw puzzle. The mathematician tried... it was a beautiful puzzle. He tried and tried and tried and started perspiring. It was becoming awkward: the customers and the salesmen and the shopkeeper were all watching and he has not been able to bring the puzzle to a solution.

Finally he dropped the idea and he shouted at the shopkeeper: "I am a mathematician and if I cannot solve this jigsaw puzzle, how do you think my small boy will be able to?"

The shopkeeper said, "You don't understand. It is made in such a way that nobody can solve it -- mathematician or no mathematician."

The mathematician asked, "But why is it made in this way?"

The shopkeeper said, "It is made in this way so that the boy from the very beginning starts learning that life cannot be solved, cannot be understood."

You can live it, you can rejoice in it, you can become one with the mystery, but the idea of understanding as an observer is not at all possible.

I don't understand myself. The greatest mystery to me is myself. But a few clues I can give to you:

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions that your wife asks you for nothing.

The key to happiness: You may speak of love and tenderness and passion, but real ecstasy is discovering you haven't lost your keys after all.

Women begin by resisting a man's advances and end by blocking his retreat.

If you want to change a woman's mind, agree with her.

If you want to know what a woman really means, look at her -- don't listen to her.

The lady walked up to the policeman and said, "Officer, that man on the corner is annoying me."

"I have been watching the whole time," said the cop, "and that man wasn't even looking at you."

"Well," said the woman, "isn't that annoying?"

The romantic young man turned to the beautiful young girl in his bed and asked, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She thought for a moment and then said, "You could be -- I have a terrible memory for faces."

A young girl said to an old maid, "You must have missed a great deal by not marrying!"

"Only the ceremony!" replied the old maid.

In the Garden of Eden, Eve was nagging Adam, as usual. "I saw you playing around with another woman underneath the tree of knowledge last night!" she screamed.

"But Eve," said Adam, "you know that there is only you and I here in Eden!"

"Don't lie to me! I always know when you are lying!" Eve whined.

"Eve, listen! This is just a fantasy brought on by your menopause."

"Don't give me any psychological bullshit! I know what I saw!" Eve roared.

"Okay, okay, then if you don't believe me, just count my ribs."

A man went on a safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One day he was lying morosely in his tent when he heard a cry from his wife. He jumped up and rushed into the clearing. There, out in the open, he saw mama-in-law shaking her fist at a huge lion who was standing five feet away from her, ready to move.

"Do something!" pleaded his wife in alarm.

"Why should I?" retorted the frustrated hunter. "That lion got himself into this mess -- let him get himself out of it!"

Everything is mysterious: it is better to enjoy it rather than trying to understand it.

Ultimately the man who goes on trying to understand life proves to be a fool, and the man who enjoys life becomes wise goes on enjoying life, because he becomes more and more aware of the mysterious that surrounds us.

The greatest understanding is to know that nothing can be understood, that all is mysterious and miraculous. To me this is the beginning of religion in your life.

Question 2:

Anand Srajan, it is impossible for anybody to drive the monkey out of your mind, because it does not exist; your seriousness is creating it. And nobody can change your seriousness either. It is your life attitude which is making you serious. What is there to be serious about? Existence is a continuous celebration, a festival that knows no holidays.

You are serious because for thousands of years people have been telling you that the serious man is a better man, higher man, more evolved than the nonserious. The nonserious have never been taken into account.

But to me the situation is just the reverse. The nonserious one is the one who will come to know the real life and its experiences. Seriousness is closing you, making you hard, making you sad. Seriousness comes from ambition, from desire which you are not being able to attain.

But the religions have paid too much respect to seriousness. I have never come across in any religious scripture of any religion -- and there are three hundred religions on the earth -- that anybody has paid respect to nonseriousness, to playfulness, to a sense of humor.

They all make you dodos.

I have heard... one day as the bishop entered a church in New York, he could not believe his eyes: he saw Jesus Christ standing there.

He said, "My god! I thought that prayers are never heard. I never believed that there is any God or any son of God -- but what to do with this fellow? Either he is a hippy or he is Jesus Christ. I am in trouble."

He approached the man and asked, "Can I ask you who you are?"

And the man said, "You have been serving me, spreading my word, and you don't recognize me!"

The bishop's heart started sinking: "My god! He is Jesus Christ! And now there is bound to be trouble."

He phoned the pope in Rome: "What am I supposed to do? In our teaching courses there is not even a single mention that 'Jesus will come one day to your church.' So what has to be done, what is the right course? How should I behave?"

The pope said, "Don't create trouble for me! It is good that he has come to New York. Do two things: first, the most important, look serious and busy. Who knows, he may be...

And second, don't forget to inform the police."

Religions have been teaching people to be serious because seriousness creates a certain kind of dullness in your consciousness. Seriousness is not a help. It is poisonous; nobody can take it away, unless you understand... then it will disappear.

A psychiatrist and a friend were walking down the street, and a stranger passing by suddenly kicked the psychiatrist in the shins. The shrink walked on as if nothing had happened. His friend was astounded. "Aren't you going to do anything about it?" he cried.

"Why should I?" asked the psychiatrist. "It's his problem."

If the monkey is there inside you, it is his problem! He must be getting tortured with your seriousness and your t'ai chi. Don't be worried. He himself will be trying to find a way to get out of the mess.

A man who is playful does not bother about things like t'ai chi! There is so much to enjoy around and you, like an idiot, do t'ai chi! Naturally you are becoming serious. A beautiful woman passes by... and you are doing t'ai chi! Can't you do anything playful, blissful, pleasant? Naturally you are becoming serious because you are losing contact with life.

There are all kinds of idiots in the world. Somebody is doing t'ai chi, somebody is doing aikido, somebody is doing jujitsu, somebody is doing yoga, standing on his head. Now, I don't think any woman is going to be interested in you: this kind of fellow who is standing on his head is already dead! So then nobody takes interest in you, and you become serious. You are creating it, and you want me to chase it out. I am not responsible for it. Who suggested you do t'ai chi?

I have heard that three missionaries were caught by cannibals in southern Africa. The chief of the cannibals asked the first, "Which do you want -- you can choose -- do you want 'chi-chi' or do you want death?"

The man thought about it and he said, "Whatever chi-chi is, it cannot be worse than death." So he said, "I want chi-chi."

So he was given the treatment they called chi-chi. He was sexually abused, beaten... and as chi-chi started, he started thinking, "It was better to choose death. These people will kill me by chi-chi, and they are unnecessarily humiliating me."

And the other two missionaries were watching what was going on. Then the turn came to the second: "What do you want?"

Death is such a dangerous thing... he thought, "One can survive chi-chi, but death you cannot survive." He also said, "Chi-chi."

So again the whole game began. All the cannibals were beating him and doing all kinds of stupid sexual perversions -- and the poor missionary had come to save them...!

Now the turn came of the third, who was the chief missionary. The chief asked, "What do you think -- chi-chi or death?"

He said, "It will be a great mercy if you allow me death. Chi-chi I have seen."

But the chief said, "This is a problem: we don't kill anybody before chi-chi, and after chi- chi nobody survives!"

Now what are you interested in t'ai chi for? Naturally it will make you serious. You will forget laughing, you will forget a sense of humor -- a man of t'ai chi has to be serious.

And you are asking me to take out the seriousness... and the monkey. The monkey comes in the same package! You become serious and the monkey will come in.

And as far as the monkey is concerned, it is his problem -- you don't worry. You just get rid of this chi-chi.

Just to deceive you they have changed the name to t'ai chi!

Question 3:

Nirupa, you must be living in a misunderstanding, because I have never been angry at you; I have never been angry at anyone, Ronald Reagan included!

Asking to be forgiven... you are asking something which must be your projection. I have never been angry at anyone. You have been always forgiven, but you must be carrying something in your mind. You say, "I cannot put myself on the line enough."

Who is asking you to put yourself on the line enough? As you are, you are perfectly okay and acceptable and lovable -- but you seem to be a martyr.

Who can be perfect in this world?

The world itself is not perfect, because perfection means death. If you want to live, you have to remain a little bit imperfect always, so that you can go on perfecting yourself.

Evolution is nothing but a constant imperfection. Imperfection gives you space to grow into.

And remember one thing: you will never be perfect. You will be coming closer and closer and closer, but you will never be perfect. Perfection is not allowed by the laws of nature itself.

And the idea that "I cannot put myself on the line enough" -- there is no need. Put on the line as much as you enjoy -- that is enough.

But I have a feeling that you want to go up the ladder to the highest rung... But you don't know that the ladder at the highest rung goes nowhere. You come to the highest rung and then you look stupid. Then your whole life is wasted: you have become the president, you have become the prime minister and all kinds of nonsense people. But they all feel awkward; that's why they go on smiling to hide... so that nobody suspects that they have been stupid. There are ladders and ladders....

Hymie Goldberg is right. He became the richest man and when asked, "What have you learned?" he said, "Nothing but climbing ladders -- and at the end there is nothing."

But you cannot even say that at the end there is nothing.

Nirupa, you are perfectly good. You have always been good. My love to you has never wavered. It does not waver to anybody. And I know your devotion, your dedication; it is immensely valuable.

But you are living in some misunderstanding. Drop that misunderstanding. You are on the line, and there is no need to be forgiven. You have all my love, as everybody else has.

Here there is no hierarchy. Here there is nobody higher and nobody lower.

There was to be a christening party for the new baby, but before the ceremony the priest took the new father aside and asked, "Are you prepared for this solemn event?"

"I think so," replied the father. "I've got cheese rolls, salad and cake."

"No, no," interrupted the priest, "I mean spiritually prepared?"

"Well, I don't know," said the man thoughtfully. "Do you think two cases of whiskey are enough?"

You are living in some fantasy about yourself and torturing yourself. A few people like torturing... And I told you, here there is no hierarchy. And that's one of the most important things to be remembered: the people who are doing the work are just functional; they are not higher than you.

In the commune in America... because I was silent and in isolation, people created hierarchies just out of their routine habit. As I came out, those who were at the top of the hierarchy tried to persuade me that I should not speak, that things are going well and I should not see anybody -- everybody is okay.

I asked, "Then what is the purpose of me being here? If they are all okay, I should go back to my country where nobody is okay." I had to insist: "Now it is enough. Three years is enough, and I want to come to my people and see what is happening."

And when I started speaking the whole gang that had created the hierarchy escaped, because now there was no possibility... wherever I am there is no hierarchy, only functions. Somebody is doing cleaning, somebody is doing the work of the secretary, somebody is doing the work of the person in charge of the ashram, but there is nobody higher and lower.

And you should remember, Nirupa, a very significant law:

The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank -- the really big chunks always rise to the top!

Don't be bothered.

Question 4:

A few things first. The psychological fact of man thinking about woman every three minutes -- they cannot wait more than that -- is only average, because science talks only about averages. Don't believe that you are the average person; the average person does not exist. There may be people who are thinking only of women all the time!

A psychologist was testing a patient. He drew a straight line on the paper and asked the patient, "What does it remind you of?"

He said, "It reminds me of women."

The psychologist said, "Strange. A straight line?" But he tried more lines. He made a triangle and asked the man, "What does this remind you of?"

The man said, "You seem to be a strange person. This reminds me of women!"

The psychologist made a round circle. The man got very angry. He said, "You are coming too close. I am suffering from women, and you are reminding me of them again and again. Are you a sex maniac or something?"

The psychologist said, "It is a very strange, peculiar case. Why do these things remind you of women?"

The man said, "Everything reminds me of women! Look out of the window" -- a camel was going by. "That camel too reminds me of women. You remind me of women! In fact, I don't think about anything else -- this is my whole life philosophy."

Those three minutes are for average people -- and average people don't exist. It is just a mathematical calculation in which children are included who don't think of women; in which really ripe and grown-up people are included who don't think of women; in which sex maniacs are included who don't think about anything else.... So don't be satisfied with the average; just look at yourself and find out how many minutes you can remain without thinking of women.

My own experience of thousands of men is that the gap is at the most one minute. You can keep a watch in front of you and test whether in one minute the idea of women comes or not. And you will be surprised: "My god. Every minute I am thinking of women."

The case with women is totally different. Seven minutes is also an average, but ordinarily no woman thinks of man every seven minutes. The average is because women sex maniacs also exist. There are women who don't think of men at all -- hours pass -- and they feel great relief.

And you are asking me -- this has become the midnight bedroom dilemma of "I have a headache." That is a female thing, not a male thing. It is a female strategy. Unless you are very close to female chemistry you will not say, "I have a headache."

Man uses the woman just like sleeping pills. Sex gives him a good sleep. All energy is gone out of him. Now there is nothing else to do except to fall asleep and hope that in the morning he can get up.

Man's mind is different than woman's mind. They function in different directions.

Doctors, who are mainly men, have researched and come to the conclusion that no man has died while making love. That's true. In the whole history of billions of human beings no man has died by making love, while making love. Nobody has suffered a heart attack while making love.

So for man, woman is almost a commodity to be used for good sleep, for no heart attack, for avoiding death as far as he can.

But the woman has been almost tortured. First she has had her orgasmic joy taken away, because man finishes too soon, before the woman has even begun. The difference in the orgasmic capacity between man and woman is immense; it is a recent discovery, in this century -- the whole humanity in the past has lived in darkness.

Man's sexuality is local, genital. Woman's sexuality is widespread, all over her body.

Naturally, to attain an orgasmic experience her whole body has to throb with joy, tremble with ecstasy -- but that will take time. By the time her whole body is ready and trembling and feeling a dance of energy in her being, the man is fast asleep. He is finished, he has gone to sleep.

Man has been in many ways cruel, primitive and barbarous towards women. He has never cared what she feels; he is only concerned with himself. He has been using women -- and remember the most humiliating thing in the world is to be used, because that brings you down from your dignity into a commodity.

Commodities are used. Human beings are not used, but women have been used for thousands of years. In fact, they have even forgotten that they have any orgasmic capacity. Naturally, they try to avoid this ugly scene as much as possible; hence "I have a headache" is a feminine strategy.

You are in a deep misunderstanding; put things right! If you want a woman not to have a headache, then be playful with her: sing, dance, bring to your bedroom the atmosphere of a temple, burn incense, take a good bath after the whole day's... And your love should be the climax.

But wait! Unless the woman starts throbbing and trembling and starts becoming ecstatic, only then making love to her will you have an orgasmic experience and she will have an orgasmic experience. And when both orgasmic experiences happen simultaneously, it is a tremendous phenomenon. Religiously it is a tremendous phenomenon, because it will give you the first glimpse of meditation.

My own understanding is that man has come to know about meditation from no other source, because there is no other source available. How did man start to think, in the very beginning, about meditation? Mind, you know, is natural; meditation has to be achieved.

Something must have given him a glimpse beyond mind. Orgasmic experience gives you a state when time stops, mind stops, and you are sheer joy.

That has been, according to me, the source of thinking that going beyond mind is possible. And if it is possible in sexual orgasm, a few adventurous people, pioneers, must have tried... why can't it be possible alone? Because two things they have got absolutely correct: time stops, mind stops.

Of course you cannot stop time directly; hence the conclusion: stop the mind. And the moment mind is silent and has stopped, time stops, and suddenly you find yourself, without any sexuality, in an orgasmic joy which is far deeper than the sexual. In sex you are dependent on the other person; now you are absolutely free.

If people like Gautam Buddha or Mahavira became celibate... it was not that through being celibate they became Gautam Buddha and Mahavira. The situation is just the reverse: they became Gautam Buddha and Mahavira by meditation and they found a far bigger freedom and orgasmic joy. Sex disappeared from their life.

But people have looked at it wrongly. From the outside you cannot see their orgasmic joy; you can only see that this man has become celibate. Perhaps by becoming celibate you will also attain the orgasmic joy. It does not work that way.

Mind has to stop first, then time stops. And when both time and mind are stopped you have tremendous ecstasy, ecstasy so great... There is not only a difference of degree between sexual orgasm and spiritual orgasm; the difference is qualitative: it has a beauty of its own, a blissfulness of its own, a contentment of its own.

But the whole of humanity has been misled because of a logical fallacy. People saw that Bodhidharma or Sanai or Ta Hui have become celibate... perhaps by becoming celibate we will attain to their enlightenment. But by becoming celibate you will become only a pervert.

Just the other day my news service, Anando, has brought the news that in Europe Catholic bishops and priests are leaving the churches and getting married. And the fear has arisen... in the backward countries many people have been converted and now they are becoming bishops and cardinals. Perhaps the day is not far away when black people will be teaching in the white countries as bishops and cardinals. And then the final step is the first black man becoming the pope -- because it is a question of majority or minority, and white bishops are becoming the minority every day.

But those priests are on the right path. They have suffered unnecessarily and now they have gathered courage and they are marrying. My feeling is it is a good sign.

But the Catholic church is afraid that black people may dominate Catholicism. That would be a strange situation, because the white man has always thought that he is carrying the whole burden of humanity, that he is responsible for everybody's salvation. It is not going to be so anymore. Soon black people will be the saviors of white people. You have saved for many centuries, now give them a chance. You have not been able to save anything; perhaps black people may be able to save.

The danger is greater because black people are sexually more powerful than white people... perhaps because of the climate, their situation, their food. If black people start dominating the Catholic church, then there is going to be an immense perversion of sexuality; it is now Africa which is suffering most from the disease AIDS. But this influx cannot be stopped; the Catholics have invited it themselves.

Just try to be alert and don't imitate, and your seriousness will be gone, your headache will be gone.

Father John, a Catholic priest, was astonished one day to see his friend, Father Michael, driving a Mercedes-Benz. He asked him how he could afford such a great car when all he could afford was a bicycle.

So Father Michael told him that one day during the prayer before the collection he was swinging his rosary when he realized that the whole congregation was hypnotized. So he told everyone to empty their wallets and when he counted the money he had enough to buy a car.

Father John said, "That's great. I'm going to try it."

But a few weeks later when they met again, Father John was still riding his bicycle.

"What happened?" asked his friend.

"Well," said Father John, "everything went just as you said and the congregation was completely in my power. But just then I dropped the rosary and said, 'Oh shit,' and I'm still cleaning the church!"

Paddy and Maureen live in an old house, very close to the railway station, and every time a train goes by, the door of their bedroom wardrobe opens by itself. Maureen gets so fed up with this that one day she calls a carpenter to come and fix it. But he can't locate the problem and he decides that the only thing to do is to get inside it, close the door and watch what happens.

Just then Paddy comes home. He sees a pair of men's shoes in the bedroom and starts looking around for the owner, but before Maureen can explain a train goes by, the wardrobe opens by itself, and the carpenter is revealed inside.

Paddy is furious. "And what the hell are you doing here?" he cries.

"You won't believe this," says the man, "but I'm waiting for a train!"

Life is so hilarious, and you are having a headache!

Enjoy life and you will forget not only the headache but even the head, because one remembers the head only when he has a headache -- have you noticed that? My definition for a healthy man is that he does not feel his body at all. The moment you have a heartache you feel the heart; the moment you have a stomachache you feel the stomach; when you have a headache you feel the head. If you are perfectly healthy you will not feel the body at all. It is simply there.

But mistakes happen because our clarity about existence is not meditative. Our mind is continuously creating unnecessary problems, unnecessary dilemmas.

Hymie Goldberg was a string salesman from New York. His boss sent him to the deep South in order to open some new accounts for the company, but Hymie encountered discrimination everywhere he went and was unable to do any business. Finally, in Mississippi, an anti-Semitic store owner said to Hymie, "Okay, Jew, I'll buy as much string as reaches from the end of your Jewish nose to the tip of your Jewish prick."

A month later, the same store owner was surprised to receive four hundred cartons of grade "A" string. Inside was a bill for twenty-five thousand dollars and a note which said:

Thank you for your generous order. I hope we can do business again soon. Signed:

Hymie Goldberg. Living in New York, circumcised in Warsaw.

That much length...! Just be clever and you can use any situation for being happy.

Question 5:

Svabhavo, you are right. I have to confess it: looking at you, what else can be found? You are all a joke unto yourself.

Gautam Buddha said as his last statement: "Be a light unto yourself." The day I leave the body please remind me, so that I can make my last statement: "Be a joke unto yourself."

That is far more joyful than being a light unto yourself. What are you going to do with a light? Light your cigars, or burn people's houses?

But being a joke unto yourself, you will be a bliss for everyone.

You are right... this is the way I find jokes -- looking at you. So be aware when I look at you; I am searching for a joke!

A big old Indian was sitting in a bar out West when a dirty hippy came in and started to drink a lot and insult all the other people there. Soon everyone had left the bar in disgust except for the old Indian who just watched the hippy with interest.

So the hippy walked over to him and said, "Hey, Indian, what the hell are you staring at?"

"Well," said the Indian, "many years ago I was arrested for making love to a buffalo, and I just had a feeling that maybe you are my son."

I see your troubles and really... I take them seriously, but deep inside I am giggling. Not to offend you I talk about your problems, which are sheer nonsense -- but don't tell it to anybody!

Once there was a man who had everything a man could desire: a wonderful job that he liked, a wonderful wife and wonderful children, but then one day he began to see spots in front of his eyes. At first he tried to ignore them, but they began to get worse. So finally he paid a visit to the doctor. The doctor examined him but could find nothing wrong with him, so he sent him to a specialist, a neurosurgeon, who examined him thoroughly with many tests. He also could find nothing.

But he said to the man, "Although I can find nothing specific, I have seen cases like this before; often it is some pressure on the brain, which usually results in death after six months to a year."

The man became very upset, but then he decided that if indeed he only had such a short time to live, he would enjoy life and do everything he ever wanted. The man loved nice clothes, so he went to the best tailor in town and said, "Give me the best clothes you have in your store: English imported suits, Italian leather shoes, hand-stitched silk ties, and one dozen of the best tailored silk shirts, size fourteen neck."

The tailor who had taken all his measurements said to him, "Fourteen neck? You don't have a fourteen neck -- you have a fifteen neck!"

"Don't tell me what I have," said the man, "I have been wearing a size fourteen neck all my adult life."

"Well, if that's so," said the tailor, "then you must be seeing spots in front of your eyes!"

Seeing you, certainly I rejoice. So many jokes all around! Perhaps this is the first gathering in the world where jokes are being used for your spiritual growth....

And you cannot be otherwise -- unless you become enlightened. Only enlightened people don't have anything in life which you can make a joke of. But in ignorance and unconsciousness, whatever you do is somehow hilarious -- your fights, your love affairs, your marriages, your divorces. If you start watching your behavior, you will find out for yourself -- "My god. My whole life is full of jokes !"

And it will be a great revelation... far greater than the revelation of God, because that too is only a joke and nothing else.

Okay, Vimal?

Yes, Osho.

The Great Pilgrimage: From Here to Here