Maneesha, the difference that you feel in my presence from when you are doing something alone is going to remain to the very last moment. The explosion will come, but there is no way to say when. The time will come certainly when there will be no difference: either you are in my presence or you are alone -- it will be the same. It becomes the same only when, in your aloneness also, you start feeling my presence.
When you are doing other things, they are not distractions; you are doing them for me.
Love is full of mysteries, but even this much is more than one can expect because it is a right becoming -- you have started feeling me. Now that feeling will continue to grow on its own; you have to be just nourishing it. Don't make it a problem. Rather accept it as a necessity of growth.
The first flowers of the spring have come. All the flowers will be coming soon. And one should not expect, one should rather learn to enjoy that which is happening. That allows more happenings, makes you available, and open and vulnerable for greater possibilities.
The real problem is when nothing is happening. You can feel no difference at two points:
if in my presence, you don't feel anything different in your being -- it feels just the same as you are when you are alone, or with others, or doing something else -- this is the lowest point. There is no difference. On the highest point, also, there will be no difference. It is a question of how much deeper your melting and your merging becomes.
It does not depend on you. There is nothing like homework -- you cannot do anything...
you can only wait, you can only hope, you can only trust. And existence brings everything to your door.
Eighty-year-old Goldstein marries a very beautiful and attractive twenty-year-old girl. All his friends and business partners, lustlessly married since ages, declare him foolish. "How can you in your old age expect her to be faithful to you?" they ask.
Shrewd old Goldstein smiles and says, "Why shouldn't I expect it? I don't understand your concern since it has been my basic principle all my life, that it is better to have only a twenty-five percent share in an excellent business than a hundred percent share in a lousy one."
Even a twenty-five percent share in a good business is great. Don't ask for a hundred percent in a lousy one. That twenty-five percent is happening. The seventy-five percent will also follow, but it is a question of happening -- it is not part of doing. And it is good that there are things men cannot do, but can only be a recipient of. Only those things are valuable which you cannot do, but which happen. They don't have a price, but they have value. Things that you can do have a price, but they don't have any value.
Okay. Satyadharma... an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman are on a boat. After a while, the boat begins to sink. The Englishman, being a gentleman, says, "Women and children first."
The American says, "Fuck them!"
The Frenchman says, "Do we have time?"
You are drunk; but no drunk accepts that he's drunk, he goes on asking for more bottles.
In a pub one night, a drunk was creating too much nuisance. He was utterly drunk, and still was asking: "More bottles."
The owner of the pub said, "Absolutely no!" and called his servants to throw the man out of the door. He said, "It is more than you can absorb. Come again tomorrow, but tonight just go home and rest."
The drunk was feeling very thirsty -- that is one of the problems in drinking: the more you drink, the more thirsty you feel. He went staggering a few steps and came back in from the back door and asked for a few bottles.
The owner said to the servants, "Throw him back out again."
He said, "It is strange... do you own all the pubs in the city?"
Satyadharma, you are saying, "It is hilarious...." It is! "I keep drinking and drinking, and... you are the one who is drunk." If I was not drunk, from where would you go on drinking and drinking?
Here you are sitting with all kinds of drunkards. Even if you come sober, just sitting with these people, soon you will start feeling something hilarious is happening. Even the air is very heavy; just breathing with all these people is enough for amateurs to get drunk. And don't ask for the bottle; the whole ocean will be delivered to you -- just become capable of absorbing it.
Our capacity in every dimension is very limited. And as far as drinking is concerned -- particularly drinking joy, ecstasy, blissfulness -- our capacity is very limited. We soon come to a point beyond which we cannot move. The fear of being lost... one has to learn to drop the fear, and to learn the art of being lost.
When Bodhidharma reached China, Emperor Wu had come to the border to receive him because his name and his fragrance had reached far ahead of him. Bodhidharma, in the tradition of Gautam Buddha, is one of the rarest flowers... even Gautam Buddha may sometimes feel jealous of him, although Bodhidharma is his disciple.
Bodhidharma came with one shoe on his foot and another shoe on his head. Emperor Wu could not trust his eyes, and could not trust... he has heard so much about the man, and he seems to be absolutely mad. But he was a man of very great culture, etiquette; he was an emperor. He tried to avoid seeing that shoe on the head. It was not right to enquire about it, but the temptation was becoming greater and greater... what is the matter? He talked about God, and he talked about truth, but all the time inside he was thinking about the shoe.
Finally Bodhidharma said, "Don't ask unnecessary questions; ask the necessary question.
I can see a shoe in your heart. You cannot hide from me. My eyes are almost capable of penetrating into the thickest skull: `Why are you keeping that shoe on your head'?"
The emperor was amazed: This is too much. This man seems to be either drunk or mad, but certainly he has a method in his madness. He is carrying the shoe on his head.... But he is not wrong -- I am suppressing the shoe in my heart, in my mind; my whole being wants to ask only one question: "Why are you carrying this shoe?" And when he is insisting, "Ask the real question," it is better to ask it; otherwise, I will not be able to sleep.
He said, "Forgive me, it is very embarrassing."
Bodhidharma said, "Nothing is embarrassing. You simply ask."
The emperor said, "I am trying to avoid that question, and just to avoid it I'm asking all other questions -- I don't mean anything. But you seem to be a strange fellow; you have caught me red-handed. I have not asked, but you have heard the question: "Why are you carrying the shoe on your head?"
Bodhidharma said, "Now we can talk. Now you are being simple, innocent -- now you are not repressing. I am carrying this shoe on my head so that you can ask a real question.
Now there is no need...." He removed the shoe, put it on his foot, and he said, "Now you have to understand: start from the very beginning; don't start asking questions about God.
You seem to be a born shoemaker."
The emperor was very angry and shocked. Obviously this man was making fun of him, but he still tried to hide his embarrassment. His whole court was present, and they were all trying to hide their laughter. He asked, "Who are you?" -- because that is one of the most significant and most ancient, spiritual questions.
Bodhidharma said, "As far as I am concerned, I don't know. Do you know who you are?"
The emperor said, "This is something I have come to enquire from you because I don't know."
Bodhidharma said, "You are ignorant; I also don't know, but I am innocent. Just now, go back. Sleep will not be possible because you will have to figure out why you are ignorant and I am innocent -- and for the same reason."
The emperor returned home very puzzled. The man had a charisma: he could not forget his eyes, he could not forget his presence. He could not sleep the whole night; he could not make the distinction how one person saying, "I don't know" is ignorant and another person saying, "I don't know" is innocent.
He came back again. Bodhidharma said, "You are knowledgeable; you have never recognized the fact that you don't know yourself -- you have always believed that you know. At least, you have pretended to the world that you know. It is out of ignorance.
"I have searched deeply into myself. I don't know because there is nobody to be known. I have found the house empty -- a pure nothingness, a sky without clouds. There is no knower, there is nothing to be known.
"You are saying it out of ignorance, because you still think you are, but you don't know who you are. I am saying it out of innocence, because I know there is no one to be known, to be a knower. It is just pure silence."
The bottle will be delivered to you -- just get ripe for it. Right now, you are asking out of ignorance. The day you will ask out of innocence, the bottle...? no, the whole ocean will be delivered to you -- it belongs to you. It is already within you. Your insight just has to grow more, your awareness has to be more clear, your silence has to be more deep, more profound. And all these qualities are almost ready to explode within you -- it is just that you don't allow them, you are preventing them.
Nobody wants to be just a nobody, nobody wants to be a pure nothingness. The moment you are ready to disappear, a new presence arises in you which has nothing to do with "I" and "me," which is part of the whole existence. And then only the thirst is quenched.
My work is to make you more and more thirsty -- so thirsty that one day, you take a jump into your own nothingness, and disappear. Your disappearance is your enlightenment.
Nirupa, the feeling that you are unable to write a meaningful question gives you what I was calling innocence; otherwise, people think their questions are very meaningful. Out of ignorance, you cannot ask a meaningful question. It is one of the mysteries of life: the day you can ask a meaningful question, you will find the meaningful answer within yourself. A meaningful question carries as a shadow the meaningful answer.
But to be aware that you cannot ask a meaningful question is an achievement on the way of innocence. There is no need for any question, and there is no need for any answer.
Questions and answers are just the stuff your mind is made of. When you become disinterested in questions and answers, you start stepping out of the mind; and out of the mind is your glorious being, is your authentic self.
It is beautiful that you say, "I am overjoyed seeing people loving you." Ordinarily mind does not function that way. Only if you have slipped a little bit out of the mind is it possible to be overjoyed seeing people loving me. Mind is always jealous, it cannot be overjoyed. It will feel hurt that "others are loving, are ahead of me, and I am lagging behind." And it will create a thousand and one rationalizations that "their love is fake -- they are all pretending. My love is true and authentic -- these are all hypocrites."
The function of the mind is to make you competitive, to make you jealous, to make you believe yourself superior to others. Once you are just a little bit out of the mind, things start changing. If somebody is joyful, you don't feel jealous; you feel grateful that you saw a joyful man. Somebody is loving -- you don't feel jealous; you feel again grateful that you have been able to see somebody loving somebody else, and jealousy has not arisen in you.
You say, "I am overjoyed seeing people loving you." This is a good indication, Nirupa.
You have been long enough with me, and it is time for you to go out of the mind. All those who are with me, their only work is to go out of the mind, to transcend mind, to function as a no-mind, to function as a heart, and finally, to function as a being.
You are asking, "Please help me to keep moving on." My blessings are with you, my love is with you; you don't need anything more. That will go on helping you move onwards -- just don't become too greedy. Great things come very slowly. Don't ask for seasonal flowers; they come quickly, but they also disappear quickly.
Little Moishe goes skating on the lake while his mother stands by watching over him.
Suddenly, through a crack in the thin ice, little Moishe vanishes.
"Oy vey!" shrieks his mother. "My Moishe, in front of my very eyes!" Eventually a policeman comes, strips naked, and dives into the icy water. Again and again, blue from cold, he dives in and eventually finds Moishe. The policeman manages to revive him, wraps him in his own clothes, and rushes him to the hospital where little Moishe eventually recovers.
Moishe's mother goes up to the policeman afterwards and says, "So, where is his hat? He had a hat!"
This is particularly a Jewish mind, but all minds are Jews. She is worried about a hat. She is not even thankful to the policeman that he risked his own life and saved her boy. Her concern is, "Where is the hat?"
Never be greedy and never be concerned with trivia, and your movement towards greater silences of the heart will become easier every day. Be loving, be joyous, and be always thankful for whatever is happening to you. Don't ask for the hat.
Be thankful for what has been given to you -- and life is giving you so much that your thankfulness is always going to fall short. But the thankful heart grows easily; with gratitude, you are nourished. You become stronger in moving towards the unknown.
Except gratitude, there is no other prayer.
Prem Shunyo, enlightenment is certainly the last resort, but not for Milarepa. For Milarepa, you are the last resort. In other words, for Milarepa, you are the enlightenment.
So don't be worried, let him fool around, but he cannot escape you. You are his last resort, his enlightenment.
They say that behind every great man there is a woman. They have forgotten to know that sometimes in front of every great man there is a woman. In your case, you are not behind Milarepa, you are in front of Milarepa. Searching you, he will grow, because you will be growing towards enlightenment. And he will stagger, somehow carrying his guitar, behind you -- it will be a unique enlightenment.
Two persons have never become enlightened together -- but in your case, it seems it is going to happen, an exception. And when you both are enlightened, he will play on the guitar.... No enlightened master up to now has carried the guitar to those heights. And his enlightenment is sure -- just you go on being ahead of him. Don't follow him; otherwise, you both will lose the path. You search enlightenment, and let Milarepa search you.
A story for you to tell Milarepa.... A proud father gave his son twenty bucks and sent him off to the local whorehouse. On his way, the boy passed by his grandmother's house, and she called him in. He explained where he was going, and she insisted that he keep the twenty dollars and do it with her.
The boy returned home with a big smile. "How was it?" asked the father.
"Great! and I saved the twenty bucks," responded the boy.
"How is that?" his father asked.
"I did it with grandma," the boy explained.
His father screamed, "You mean you made love to my mother?"
"Hey, why not?" said the boy. "You have been making love to mine!"
Satyadharma, the question you are asking may be in the heart of many other sannyasins.
You are asking, "The other night as your leg gave way and You began to fall, something like lightning happened. In a moment, I knew my deepest fears, my deepest tears, and total trust."
One may recognize or not... deep down those who have loved me are carrying a certain fear that one day I will not be in the body -- that is their deepest fear, and their deepest tears, because they cannot conceive themselves without me, I have become almost a part of their being. It is no longer a relationship, it is a merging and a melting. Without me, they will find a vast gap in their being which cannot be fulfilled. With my disappearing from the body, they will find a part of their life has also disappeared -- and perhaps, that was the part which was the most significant, the most meaningful.
The day my leg gave way and I began to fall, all these fears and tears suddenly came to the surface. It has been tremendously good of my leg to give you an opportunity to see deeper within yourself that I am not going to be here forever.
So you are not to postpone a single moment; you have to be ready before I leave the body. Only then will you not miss me; in your own realization, you will have found me again -- more close, more fresh.
It is true: even to talk about this as an experience is impossible, because it was exactly like lightning -- not like a slow experience -- so quick, so sudden, so unexpected.
After all, my leg is a master's leg. When it is going to do something, it is going to do something really deep. It provoked in you many feelings, and the greatest of them was of trust.
While I am alive, in the body, you can take me for granted, that tomorrow morning I will be coming back to talk to you. But in that moment, you knew it is possible that any moment you may have to lose me. And before that moment comes, unless you have attained yourself, you will be in utter misery and darkness.
Suddenly, you could not take me for granted. I have been insisting, "Don't take me for granted. Today I am here; tomorrow I may not be." It is easier to attain to the truth while I am holding your hand in my hand; it will be more difficult when you are left alone.
And one never knows how long it will take for you to find another man who can love you unconditionally, who can trust you as you are. It can take lives to find such a person again. You will meet many, but they will all require that you have to be a certain way to be acceptable to them. Gautam Buddha, or Zarathustra, or Jesus Christ, they all require you to be a certain way, then you deserve to be accepted.
I am breaking a new path: I accept you as you are.
The difference is they want you to change before they accept you; I trust my acceptance.
I know that my acceptance is going to change you. They expect you to be deserving, to be worthy; only then they can shower their love on you.
My attitude is totally different from them, from anybody who has ever lived on the earth.
I will shower my love on you because I trust in my love and its alchemical qualities. My love is going to transform you, to make you deserving. It may take lives and lives to find another man. And if you cannot become enlightened with me, it will be very, very difficult with that old type of disciplehood, and the old type of masters.
The world is not a paradise yet because nobody has accepted you. First they wanted you to change according to their ideals and only then you would be accepted. It used to take five years, seven years, or even ten years to become an initiate with Gautam Buddha. Ten years you would remain a novice... just preparing, and hoping that you will be accepted.
Thousands tried, and only very few of them were accepted.
You are not new on the earth; perhaps many of you have lived with other masters, but they made the whole thing so difficult. Even the initiation requires qualities to be developed in you -- you have to be acceptable and presentable. Millions have longed for a better consciousness, but nobody was there to help them -- they were not worthy to receive help.
Your deepest fear is not an experience that can be easily expressed. It has shaken your whole being. It has made you aware that you have to put your totality into transforming your consciousness while I am here in the body; otherwise, you had every opportunity to find the deathless, and you missed it. You will never be able to forgive yourself.
The Golden Future