Totality: the foundation of freedom
HERE AGAIN, I FIND MYSELF IN THE DISTRESS OF A RELATIONSHIP FINISHING. IT'S STILL THE SAME PATTERN. I FEEL THAT I CANNOT DEAL WITH IT ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE. IS THERE NO OTHER WAY THAN PLAYING THE RECORD AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND JUST WATCHING IT? EACH TIME, I THINK, "WITH AWARENESS IT WILL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME." BUT NO - THE ANGER, THE DISTRESS, THE HURT, THE ALONENESS, AND ALSO THE UNDERSTANDING THAT LOVE COMES AND FADES AWAY. I ALSO AM DOUBTING THAT THESE MOMENTS OF LOVE WERE REAL. BUT WHEN THOSE MOMENTS OF LOVE AND CONNECTING ARE THERE, THEY DO FEEL REAL.
Life is a vicious circle. One things lead to another thing until the circle is complete.
To go on moving in a circle is boring, is monotonous, is heavy on the heart. It destroys all playfulness, it destroys weightlessness; it takes away the charm, the magnetic pull towards life.
You go again and again in the same routine, in the same circle, unwillingly. You do not want to repeat; nobody wants to repeat. Repetition is the function of a machine.
Wherever there is a consciousness, there is a revolt against mechanical repetition.
So I can understand your tragedy. Moreover, it is the tragedy of millions of human beings. They are all caught in a circle and then they don't know how to jump out of it.
The problem can be reduced to very simple terms: You find it difficult to jump out of the routine because you have some vested interest in the routine. If it were a hundred percent boring, a hundred percent nothing but a nightmare, you would have jumped out of it without asking anybody.
You don't need a map, you don't need a guide - all you need is totality in whatever life you are living.
Totality is the foundation of freedom.
Whenever you live something totally, either it is nourishing to your being - then you start absorbing it; it is no longer routine, it becomes your love affair - or you find that it is nothing but complete boredom.
To see something as a hundred percent boredom and to ask how to come out of it is just stupid. It is as if your house is on fire and you are asking people from the window, "How to come out?" Just jump out of the window!
When the house is on fire, there is no question of manners, that you have to go from the right door, that you cannot go from the back door, that you cannot jump from the window. All those manners are good when the house is not on fire. Your houses are on fire, and you go on asking how to get out of it.
Nobody is holding you in. There must be some subtle investments which are forbidding you from coming out of a life that you don't like, that you don't love, that you don't rejoice in. Perhaps to be miserable helps you to get sympathy from people - from your wife, from your children, from your parents, from your friends. And because you have not known love, even sympathy is more than you can hope for.
Sympathy is not love. It is not even a poor substitute for love. And the mind which starts asking for sympathy is sick. So you have to go inside your mind and find out what it is that is holding you in a fixed style of life.
Three hundred years ago, there was, in Bengal, a very great logician. Indian logic differs from Western logic, totally - and Western logic will remain childish unless it absorbs the vast developments of Indian logic. It is a ten-thousand-year work of love and art.
In the Middle Ages, Indian logic went through a revolution; a new logic came into being, replacing the old. The new was even more complex, but more comprehensive too. The man who helped the science of logic to reach its peak was a unique personality. He was so physically beautiful too, that people have forgotten his original name; they simply call him Gaurand Prabhu, "a beautiful god."
As he was getting to a marriageable age, his family was worried, because he was continuously studying, arguing... he never showed any ordinary, mundane interests. He was in his own category.
They were afraid. If he said no, then it was no forever, so one had to be very diplomatic with such a person. To bring out the yes, you cannot be straightforward, just asking a question. But finally it had to be asked.
They tried in different ways to work it out, but anyway marriage had to be mentioned. And knowing Gaurand very well... if he says yes, then nothing can prevent him. The whole tradition of celibacy will not prevent him - but if he says no, then there is no hope at all.
They were very loving towards him, creating an atmosphere, waiting for the right moment, and Gaurand was watching the whole scene that was going on in the house.
One evening, he went to his father and he said, "Why this unnecessary drama? You just be sincere and honest. What do you want from me?"
The father said, "We never wanted to confront you or to put you in a position where you have to choose between yes and no - but since you are asking, the question is marriage. We have found a beautiful woman. Are you willing to marry?"
He said, "I have been marrying for many, many lives. And the only result has been misery and anguish and anxiety. In my past lives, twice I have committed suicide. Once I have killed a woman - my wife! I am not such an idiot, to go on repeating the same circle - I am jumping out of it. I am not saying no, I am not saying yes. I am simply out of it. Even a relationship of 'no' is dangerous because 'no' can be changed into 'yes'; they are not as separate as they appear. 'Yes' can become any time 'no.' So I am not saying yes or no because I am simply out of the vicious circle."
I don't know whether the father understood him or not, but what he is saying is of great importance.
You cannot solve the problems of your life remaining in the same vicious rut. You have to jump out.
And the miracle is, the moment you jump out, all those problems subside and disappear.
The only problem is being in the mind.
And the only solution is to get beyond mind.
I call it meditation.
Western psychology tries to solve the problem inside the mind. It has not yet come to the understanding that the mind itself is the problem.
Problems arise out of mind just as leaves grow out of trees. You can go on cutting those leaves, pruning those leaves, and they will come thicker and thicker; the foliage will become thicker than before.
You cannot solve problems of the mind by getting answers to them, because they are not intellectual problems. The problems are existential.
For example: you are thirsty, the problem is existential, and somebody starts giving you a discourse on thirst, on water, on the components of water; explains to you how water quenches the thirst. You will say, "That is all right, but I am thirsty right now. I am not interested that water is composed of hydrogen and oxygen, and that is not my problem. I am not inquiring intellectually about thirst and water; my problem is a problem of life and death."
I have heard.... On one Saturday night in a pub, there was a great crowd and people were enjoying.
Suddenly, a stranger came from the street and announced in the pub: "I challenge anybody! My expertise is to tell the make of the wine, the year it was made, the company by which it was made - blindfolded, just by tasting it, I can tell you about all kinds of wines."
There was great interest; they were all wine lovers. Immediately, a black cloth was put over his eyes.
Wine after wine was produced....
"Lafitte Rothschild, 1938."
The pub was running out of its wines, and each time he was right, about the make, about the year - even about the year! He had developed that sensitivity for almost half a century. And in fact, that had been his family's business for centuries - they were famous for being able to taste a wine and determine its quality, to decide the year of the wine.
Then, somebody produced a glass - he sipped... looked bewildered. He sipped again. There was pindrop silence. He sipped a third time and he said, "My God, this is urine!" He pulled off the black cloth covering the glass and he said, "Hell, you men! This is pure urine, fresh - still lukewarm!"
And in the crowd, from the back came a small voice, "But WHOSE?"
Mind is such - question after question, relevant, irrelevant. Now the poor man, how is he to... he is a wine expert! He's not Morarji Desai.
Morarji Desai perhaps could manage to tell whose urine this is and what year.
But any question, and any answer... the question will produce more questions from the answer, and in this way you can go on thinking your whole life, never reaching anywhere, never finding anything.
Try to solve existential problems by existential methods.
Except for meditation, you cannot find a space within you which is questionless. And as questions disappear, what purpose do answers have?
Questions gone, answers are also gone. You have come to feel the peace that passeth understanding, the serenity that becomes a song in somebody, that becomes dance in somebody else, and the ultimate feeling of being grounded, centered, which makes you part of the universe.
And unless a man is a part of the universe - not theoretically but experientially - he cannot get rid of problems. Mind will go on producing questions ad infinitum.
Rather than think, it is better to enter into silence. Just moments of silence are more valuable than years of your work, because the work can give you only something of the world. Silence can give you the opening into the other world, the first glimpse of godliness.
WHILE I WAS AT RAJNEESHPURAM, IT WAS DISCOVERED I HAD CANCER. MY ANGUISH WAS THAT I WOULD GET LOST IN AN UNCONSCIOUS DEATH AND NOT FIND THE WAY BACK TO YOU. I AM BOUNDLESSLY GRATEFUL THAT YOUR PRESENCE AND GRACE HAVE HELPED IN HEALING ME. THE OTHER DAY, I HAD FOOD POISONING - AND AGAIN, THE ANGUISH. IT WAS EASY TO BE IDENTIFIED WITH THE BODY IN PHYSICAL PAIN. I HEAR THAT DOCTORS GIVE MORPHINE TO DYING PATIENTS TO RELIEVE THE DISCOMFORT.
PLEASE SPEAK ON MEDITATION AT THE POINT OF DEATH. IS IT POSSIBLE TO MEDITATE UNDER MEDICATION? AND WHAT ABOUT THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF THOSE DYING UNDER ANESTHESIA, SLEEP OR COMA?
A few things... first, there is no death as such. Death is the great illusion, because it always happens to the other; it never happens to you, so you always see it from the outside.
You don't know what is happening inside at the very innermost center. Something tremendously valuable is happening there, but all that you know is that the man cannot speak, cannot breathe, cannot walk. His pulse is gone, his heartbeat is lost - he is dead.
It is not true. It is almost as if somebody says he loves and you dissect the man's heart and try to find out where love is. I don't think you will find where love is, because love is not matter. It is a quality. You can experience it but you cannot catch hold of it.
Life begins in unconsciousness. It has to begin in that way, because the child has to pass through a very narrow passage from the mother's womb to the outside world. The passage is very narrow and the child finds it almost equal to death, because he has lived for nine months in a world which is being taken away from him, where he was immensely blissful, peaceful, without any worry, no problems of employment, of education. He has lived for those nine months in a paradise.
In fact, the psychologists say that the idea of paradise is nothing but a projection of the conditions in the womb. The womb is so luxurious that the child is searching his whole life for the same old golden days again, when he lived together with his mother, not even feeling any separation, not even knowing that he was separate from the environment he's living in. The environment and he were one, and now he's being thrown out into an unknown, strange world.
In the mother's womb he was in utter silence. Outside, it is so noisy, so maddeningly noisy. In the mother's womb he is in darkness. Darkness is very soothing, relaxing, very essential for growth - that's why the roots of plants hide themselves under the ground, in darkness. A child hides himself in the mother's womb to find darkness. Now he's being thrown into the world full of glaring lights. And he's being cut from all the connections to the mother; the shock is traumatic. There is a possibility of some truth in the idea that he goes searching for the womb again, that the search for the womb is the search for paradise.
As the child grows, he becomes more and more aware that the world is not what it is supposed to be. It is ugly, it is cunning, it is in every way deceiving, cheating. You cannot trust anybody, you cannot love anybody. Friendship is only an empty word. Love exists only in poetry. In life, everything is a pain.
But you cannot jump out of this vicious circle of life for many reasons. First, you don't have any idea that there is another possibility of life, an alternative way of living. You know only the way people are living and they are all suffering, they're all miserable.
Naturally, you start accepting misery and suffering as natural. By and by, you become immune to them. This immunity is very dangerous. It means now there is no hope for you, because now there is no possibility of any inquiry. You are not going to inquire into yourself, into your consciousness, because you have already believed what others have been telling you.
A person who really wants to go through a revolution.... And only a revolution can make you free from the fear of death. Otherwise, you have experienced death in your birth, so you have some idea of it. You lost your paradise. Your birth may have been a time of celebration for others but not for you. For you, it was a terrible experience.
And when you again think of death, it is very natural to infer that the coming death is going to be a bigger phenomenon than the death you knew in birth. You have lived only nine months in the mother's womb and what kind of life was it? Although it was comfortable, luxurious, there was no adventure, no change; you were almost vegetating. For seventy years you live, you experience many things, and then again comes death. That is the circle becoming complete - you are coming back to the same zero point from where you began your life.
This death looming ahead of you seems to be more dangerous, because now you are experienced.
You have seen hunger, starvation, death, and it creates a deep anguish: "One day I will not be here to see the sunrise.
The sun will go on rising and the flowers will go on blossoming and the stars will always be there in the sky waiting, waiting, but I will never come again." Death will erase all your senses.
You have tasted a few moments of beauty, a few moments of love, a few moments of joy - only a few moments, but a single moment of joy is enough, and equal to eternity because in the moment of joy you forget time.
Your fear is everybody's fear. And because you see death from outside, it creates the whole problem.
The man is not dying, because nothing dies.
Death as such has never happened.
But you see it happening every day. Looking from outside, if you are told that these two persons are deeply in love, what will you find from the outside? Perhaps they are holding hands, but holding hands is not love. You can hold somebody's hand for your whole life and wonder: what is happening?
Love is not coming, only the hands are perspiring.
And if you try such an experiment, don't do it in Bombay! In Bombay, love is not possible, only perspiration. Bombay lovers have to pass through very arduous gymnastics. Love in Bombay first means the perspiration, the body odor, mixed with the smell of deodorants, all kinds of powders, all kinds of perfumes....
But from the outside, what can you judge? Even if two persons are hugging each other.... You can note immediately that hugging is love - but hugging is not love. I know it perfectly. I had to stop going to Punjab because of hugging... the Sikhs are a fire test. If you can hug a sardarji, you can hug any wild wolf! They were hugging with great love, but without thinking that they can give me fractures. When I saw that things were going too far, I simply stopped going to Punjab.
Watching from outside, whatever you note down - hugging, kissing, holding hands - or even if you see people making love, then too you will not find what love is.
Love is an interior experience. Only those two persons know. And those two persons don't know about both; each knows only about himself; the other is out. He may be pretending, he may be a hypocrite, he may have other purposes and love may be just a bribe.
You can be certain only about your own love.
And you can be certain only about your own death.
All love outside is imagination for you. All death outside is fear, paranoia - not a reality for you. But as you grow old, the illusory death becomes bigger and bigger, because life becomes shorter and shorter.
In the great Emperor Akbar's court, it happened one day.... He came into the court. He used to have a blackboard in his court, just as you have blackboards in the universities, because he was himself a learned man and his court was full of learned people. He had collected from all over the country all the geniuses in different dimensions.
Drawing a line on the blackboard, he asked the wise men of his court: "Can anyone make this line small without touching it?"
Now how can you make it small without touching it? You will have to touch it to make it small; you will have to erase some part of it. So all the wise people were at a loss.
Finally, Akbar said to Birbal, who was the most intelligent person in his court: "The court seems to be silent. Have you some idea, or have you also accepted failure?"
Birbal went to the board and drew a bigger line above the line that Akbar had drawn. He made it small without touching it; just with the bigger line, the whole context had changed. Now, in comparison to the bigger line, the first line has become small.
Your life goes on becoming smaller and smaller. You know every day that life is being cut short.
Every breath, and you are less alive than you were before. Every day passing, and your life is becoming less and less. You don't know exactly when death will come, but one thing is certain:
whenever it comes, you will be almost at the end of your life. And life is slipping away; hence, fear goes on becoming bigger.
And then, man has faculties which he can use wrongly or rightly. For example, imagination - he can use it in art, in creative works. He can contribute to the world something of beauty, something of joy, can make it more colorful, more musical, can make it a beautiful garden of human beings, blossoming in their consciousness. But imagination can do just the opposite, too.
As a man comes closer to death, his imagination starts turning towards death. He thinks of death more - naturally, because that is the reality that he is going to face.
I have heard.... In a park, three old ladies were sitting on a bench and gossiping.
One lady said, "My husband returned two days ago and he brought two beautiful motorboats, and a yacht big enough for twelve people to live on. I am very much excited. He's planning to go for a long journey on our own boats."
The second woman said, "My husband has not been here for a few months. He returned only last night, and he has brought me a beautiful Cadillac. He has purchased a house in the mountains, and I am dying to get into the Cadillac and go to the house as quickly as possible."
The third woman said, "My husband is not rich. He is a poor man, but a unique man. If I could swap husbands with you, I would refuse. You can have your rich husbands who bring yachts and motorboats, Cadillacs, mountain houses; you can keep your rich husbands. My husband is rare.
You cannot find another person in a million comparable to him. I am so proud of him."
Both ladies became so excited. They said, "Tell us - what is the uniqueness?"
She said, "The uniqueness is that on my husband's cock, thirteen birds can stand side by side!"
Of course, nobody believed it.
The first woman said, "Forgive me, I was lying. My husband has not come; only a telegram that he will be coming soon. There are no boats, no yachts. Just the other day I have gone on a motorboat ride; that much is true."
The other woman said, "If you are telling the truth, I cannot be left behind. I will tell you the whole truth: I have not heard about my husband since we got married. He simply disappeared when we were on our honeymoon. We had gone together; I came back alone. There is no question of any Cadillac, there is no question of any house in the mountains. Just to console myself, I go on imagining such things. It feels good at least for the moment when you forget that it is simply imagination. All that happened is that the day before yesterday, I went in a small boat which is not even a motorboat, you have to row it with your own hands.
Now they both turned towards the third.
The third woman said, "Okay, okay. If you are telling the truth, then I will tell the truth also. The business about thirteen birds standing on the cock of my husband, side by side, is not right. The thirteenth bird has to stand on only one leg."
People live in exaggerations.
And about death, everybody has a very dark, black, dangerous picture somewhere in the unconscious. And the strange thing is, death does not exist at all.
You have asked what happens to those people who die in coma, in unconsciousness, under some anesthesia. In fact - whether you are in a coma or under anesthesia, or in an accident, a sudden death - everybody except those who have realized themselves becomes unconscious before death.
So it is not a question of only a small group dying in coma, dying under anesthesia, dying in unconsciousness on a surgeon's table or in an accident. Everybody dies unconscious. As death comes closer - and when I say as death comes closer, I mean as your life starts slipping out of your body, getting ready to enter into another womb - nature has an inbuilt program. The person becomes unconscious, because it is the greatest surgery that is happening. His whole being has to be taken from his body, in which it has lived, identified, for seventy or eighty years.
It is a natural phenomenon that before death, everybody goes into unconsciousness. In fact, Sushrut, the greatest surgeon the East has produced and the ancientmost, seven thousand years have passed since Sushrut was alive.... According to Sushrut - and he was perhaps the first surgeon of such great genius in the whole history of man - surgery learned the art of anesthesia from the common death.
Seeing that everybody becomes unconscious before dying, it became a clue. It means that such a great surgery is going to happen that the man may not be able to withstand it consciously. It is better to let him go deep into sleep, and in that sleep the transfer of the soul is easier.
That is why you don't remember your past life, because that gap of unconsciousness functions as a barrier. So it has two functions. It helps you to be moved from one body to another body. It has another function also: that gap of unconsciousness is so deep - the deepest possible - that it becomes a block to the memories of your past life. Because those memories are risky....
You are not able to make a beautiful life of what you have right now, and if your mind starts getting bombarded by your past lives and experiences, you are sure to go mad. You will not be able to figure out what is happening; it is almost like all the stations on your radio are turned on together. Life will become impossible, because as far as those memories of the past are concerned, when they open their doors it is not like a memory. It is not just in the mind, it is almost like reliving it. You forget completely that this is a memory; you start acting out your past life. And if you know many past lives, you are certainly bound to go mad - you cannot manage. Sushrut is right, that the first clue about operations.... He was the greatest surgeon, the first surgeon who wrote books on surgery, the first surgeon who described all the finest instruments that we have developed now.
But still, the East has a totally different approach from the West. In the West, surgery became more and more important, although it is only three hundred years old. It has been replacing medicine every day and taking its place. And its ambition is to create plastic organs so that whenever something goes wrong, there is no need to cure it - just replace it with a plastic mechanism. And the plastic mechanism never becomes sick; it is hoped that it will be lifelong.
For example, a plastic heart will not start beating harder if you see a beautiful woman. A plastic heart is, after all, a plastic heart, unless you have some special arrangements... a remote controller:
"What are you doing? A beautiful woman is coming, go on!" Otherwise your heart will simply go on as usual.
In North Carolina, when they arrested me, they tried to show the whole world that they were treating me almost as a guest of President Ronald Reagan. They were afraid that if something happened, even accidental, then the whole blame would go to the United States government. So first they put me in the hospital section of the jail. I had six nurses, and one woman doctor. Before entering my name in the register, they examined my pulse, my heartbeat, my blood pressure.
One nurse was taking my blood pressure and the head nurse just joked; she said, "Whenever a woman takes the blood pressure it goes a little high."
I said, "It will not be the case with me. It may go a little low but it cannot go a little high."
She said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "It is better you don't ask me, because these nurses may feel hurt."
These nurses said, "No, we will not feel hurt; you just say it."
I said, "I have got so many beautiful women around me, and it is not so simple for me to decide who is a woman and who is a man. I have to look again to see that yes, she is a woman and this is a man."
A few of our sannyasins were also in the jail with me. The head nurse must have told them what I said: "I have so many beautiful women around me that you cannot hope to have a better and more beautiful nurse in your jail." Our sannyasins were very happy.
She told me, "Your girls are very happy."
I said, "They deserve to be!"
While I was there, one man died. And I felt his death in almost all of the six remaining inmates of the cell - they were all half-dead. I tried my best: "You are not dead! And I can give it to you in writing that you will never be dead. If it happens that by mistake you are dead, then come to me with the paper."
He said, "But where will I find you?"
I said, "You are stupid. The first thing is not to find me, the first thing is that you are dead!"
He said, "My God, but you were persuading me that there is no death."
I said, "Yes, there is no death. But there is constant change in existence. It is a renewal; hence, there are seasons, hence there is childhood, youth, old age, death. Life goes on replacing better bodies, better minds, better consciousness. If we don't use it, it is our fault.
You are worried about death. You should be worried about meditation.
Meditation is the only way you can know, while living, that there is no death. The other way, you ask me about people who are in coma, people who have anesthesia, people who are unconscious because of some accident - "What happens to these people?" Nothing special, it is the same business. They move into another body.
The people who are left behind think they are dead. They have simply moved into a new form, into a new sensitivity, into a new intelligence.
This life is a university. Here, we have to learn only one thing: that death does not exist, that life is eternal.
But you have to experience it.
SOMETIMES, WHEN I SUDDENLY BECOME AWARE OF THIS CLINGING MIND, WHICH IS ONLY CLAIMING TO BE AWARE BUT IS ACTUALLY MOVING OUT OF THIS VERY MOMENT, MY BEING STARTS TO LAUGH JUST FOR A FEW MOMENTS. THEN MY MIND TAKES OVER AGAIN. IT IS ALWAYS DESTROYING BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS WHERE IT MIGHT GET LOST. IT LOOKS LIKE I'M MISSING TRUST, AND NOW THERE IS SOMETHING I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND: I FEEL TRUST IN EXISTENCE BUT I CAN HARDLY TRUST HUMANS. MY BELOVED, BEAUTIFUL MASTER, WOULD YOU PLEASE SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THIS? COULD MY TRUST IN YOU BE A MIND GAME, AN ILLUSION, AS LONG AS I CAN'T TRUST IN SO-CALLED HUMANS? OR COULD IT BE JUST A BEGINNING?
It is certainly difficult to love and trust human beings, because they will create every kind of barrier.
They will give you every opportunity to prove to yourself that nobody is worth trusting, nobody is worth loving; on the contrary, they are all taking advantage of your trust, your love, your friendship.
One becomes hard, one becomes closed.
You love me. At least that is a good sign. If you can love one human being, you can love the whole of humanity. It is just that you have been expecting too much, demanding too much, asking human beings to be almost gods. When they cannot live up to your standards, then you are frustrated, then you are angry. It is not their fault. They are doing what they can do. You trusted them because you can trust and they deceived you because they can deceive. I don't see the problem. It fits perfectly well: for somebody to deceive, somebody is needed to trust.
Mulla Nasruddin had become an honorary magistrate and his first case came to court. He heard one party and he said, "Wait for the judgment."
The court clerk could not believe it, because the other party had not been heard at all. They were standing there with their attorneys.
So he whispered in Mulla Nasruddin's ear: "Mulla, perhaps you are not aware of the procedure of the court. The other party is here, they are the defendants. Before listening to them, what kind of judgment can you give?"
Mulla Nasruddin said, "Be silent! Keep quiet! Don't disturb me! In fact, that is the reason why I am not allowing the other party to speak, because they will say things against the first party and the whole trouble will be on my mind - confusion, who is right, who is wrong. I am avoiding everything and finishing the case immediately! Right now, I am absolutely clear. I am not certain whether, when I have heard the other party too, I will be able to make the judgment or not."
Life is very simple if you are unprejudiced. If you are prejudiced, life becomes a continuously growing complexity. Every thread becomes entangled; it becomes more and more difficult to find a way out.
But the way is one. Your problems may be different, your confusions may be different; that does not matter.
The path is very simple.
The path is to get out of the mind as many times in the day as possible. Whenever you have time, just get out of the mind.
A few things can be helpful. If you cannot be silent just by sitting, if you feel too much energy to do something and if you don't do it then the whole energy becomes a mind game, it is easier to begin with some creativity. If you are interested in music, play music, and get drowned in it. If you love dance, dance, and let the dancer disappear. Or anything - if you know pottery, make beautiful pots, bringing your total energy to it. Because when you bring your total energy to something, mind does not get any energy, and becomes silent on its own accord.
And it is only in the beginning that you have to do some work to keep yourself engaged, so the energy moves into that engagement and the mind becomes silent. Soon you will be able to sit silently, doing nothing, and the mind becomes utterly silent. In those moments you will know the eternity of life, you will know the beauty of this fragile existence around you, and also the great treasure of your own being.
Knowing these things, misery becomes impossible. You don't have any complaint, any grudge. You have only a deep gratitude towards existence. And if you love existence then there is no problem - just love it more. Love it so totally that your mind stops completely. The moment your mind stops completely, you will not find the problem that you are finding now, that you cannot love human beings.
It is not a question of loving human beings or animals or birds or trees. It is a question of being loving - even sitting in your room - just being loving, just being joyous, just being always in a singing mood. It is in your hands. And don't just go on asking questions.
Remember: when I answer you, try something of it in your life, because only your effort is going to transform you in such a way that all problems, all sicknesses, simply evaporate. And a man is not alive unless he is psychologically completely healthy. The body is going to be sick sometimes, because it has to become old, it has to die too. The burden of the body is big, but you are not going to be sick because consciousness cannot be sick, and consciousness cannot be old, and consciousness cannot be dead.
If you have been meditating in your life, at the moment of death you will remain aware. So very few people die with awareness. For those who die with awareness, this is their last death. Now they will not need to suffer the routine, boring, monotonous circles of life.
If you are dying fully aware, you will be able to see the mystery of life and death separating - it is one of the great mysteries. And you will be able to enter into a new womb fully alert - your life has been a success.
To me, this is the only success that is worth calling success.
THOUGH I SEARCH, I CAN FIND NO OTHER. EVERYTHING I FIND IS THIS ONE, ONLY THIS ONE. THIS ONE ARISES AS A SENSELESS SENSATION, MORE DELICIOUS THAN ANYTHING I'VE KNOWN BEFORE AND GROWS INTO A BEAUTIFUL VAST ALONENESS. IT IS AS IF MY EXPANSION WOULD HAVE NO END. THEN SUDDENLY I JUMP OUT OF IT AND EXPERIENCE A TERROR OF DEATH, AND I PANIC THAT TIME IS SO SHORT AND I HAVE SO FAR TO GO. CAN YOU HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND THIS JUMP BETWEEN ONENESS AND SEPARATENESS, TIMELESSNESS AND TIME?
Surabhi, the experience you are going through is perfectly beautiful. You are on the right line... just a little more courage. You come to the point of merger, and that is the time when you jump off, because merger looks like death. It is just your interpretation.
You don't know merger, you don't know death, but you have heard: all around, death-oriented philosophies, religions, life-negative theologies, philosophies, are pouring as much crap in your minds as possible. You have to see one thing: that whatever you know is not your own. Put your knowledge aside - to brag about borrowed knowledge is not right. But man has a tendency to brag.
He wants to have this, to become that, and he cannot. Then he starts bragging, and the danger is that he may start believing in his own bragging. Then he has no future.
I have heard... one old man went to his physician and asked for a thorough check-up. The physician said, "What is the need? You are so healthy. At this age," - he was eighty-three; tomorrow was his birthday - "why do you want a physical, a thorough examination?"
He said, "Doctor, I am going to marry an eighteen-year-old girl tonight. I want you to check my whole body thoroughly, because everybody is against it. My sons are against it, my neighbors are against it, my daughters-in-law are against it - even the small children are against it! And you are also against it. It seems nobody wants me to live a pleasant life. Are you my friends or my enemies?
But even if the whole world is against me, I am going to do it!"
The doctor said, "If you are determined to do it, do it. Just one suggestion: you can keep a boarder also in your house. That may help your married life. He will have his wife also, not to become a trouble to you. Find a young, beautiful boarder."
The old man thought, and he said, "Okay, if you say so, I will do it."
After six months, the doctor saw the old man in a fund raising meeting. He was looking almost like a ghost - just a skeleton sitting on a wheelchair. Somehow, he managed to come to the doctor and he said to him, "Congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."
The doctor had difficulty to maintaining his poise, but he managed, he was a professional. And he asked, "That's very good, that's great news. And did you follow my advice?"
He said, "Of course, of course, I have a young boarder, too."
The doctor said, "That's very good."
The old man said, "This is nothing, you have not yet heard the whole story - the boarder's wife is also pregnant!"
Now it would be very difficult to convince this man that he cannot make women pregnant - he even made two women pregnant!
Man has such a subtle ego that he goes on claiming things he has not got, that he goes on knowing things that he has no knowledge of. He's not ready to listen to someone with his heart, nor with his mind.
Unless you listen from the heart, the alchemy of love cannot transform you.
You are ready. Just a little push and your life will take a new turn, a new turn towards healthier values, more human qualities, more divine flowers.