Love: the conscious path of the ego
SITTING WITH YOU, THERE ARE TWO PARTS OF ME OPERATING, ONE OPPOSING THE OTHER. ONE PART LOVES AND TRUSTS YOU MORE THAN ANY MAN I'VE EVER MET. THE OTHER IS JUST PLAIN AFRAID OF YOU - AFRAID OF YOUR UNWAVERING TRUTH AND THE AUTHORITY THAT IT GIVES YOU... AFRAID OF HOW VULNERABLE I FEEL IN FRONT OF YOU... AFRAID THAT YOU COULD HURT ME. YET DEEP INSIDE, I KNOW THAT YOU COULD NEVER HURT ME. WOULD YOU TALK ABOUT THE DISCIPLE'S TRUST IN, AND FEAR OF, THE MASTER?
Deva Satyarthi, it is a pure misunderstanding that you have two parts - one loves me and one is afraid of me. You are dividing yourself into two persons, a split personality, just because you don't understand the deep relationship between love and fear. The psychological background has to be understood.
Love is almost like a death. When you die your physical body dies and you don't experience it, because most of the time you die after you have gone into unconsciousness, so you don't feel your death. Only people whose meditation has become complete can see their death, because they don't go into unconsciousness.
The fear is, if you replace the word love with death... Love is a conscious death, not of the body but of the ego. The ego has been dominating you for many births, for many lives. Its domination has become almost permanent. Love is the only experience that can dethrone it.
If in love you cannot lose your ego, then you can never lose it. And you are not the ego, remember; it is a false idea of yourself, accepted and acquired in ignorance. In love you need humbleness, in love a trust arises on its own. The person you love, you can expose yourself to in total vulnerability.
But you don't know that with love this shadow is always there, that it is a kind of death.
Particularly your personality feels immensely troubled that you are in such deep love.
So as far as I can see there is no division in you; it is just that you don't understand the relationship between love and fear. It is absolutely natural for every person who loves to feel fear, because he does not know that love is nothing but a graveyard for your ego, and because you are identified with the ego you think it is going to be your death.
All this may not be on the conscious level; it may be going on underneath, in the darkness, in the unconscious part of your psychology.
On the conscious level you think perhaps you are split into two opposing camps. They are not opposing camps; they are two branches of the same tree, but the tree is hidden in the unconscious and you see only the branches in the conscious. Naturally, they look like two separate things.
So the first thing is to understand exactly that love is death of the ego, the personality, the false.
There is no way to have both, love and ego. Either you can have the ego or you can have love - but make it a conscious thing.
Just a few days ago, one of the most intellectual and experienced journalists of India, M.V.Kamath, wrote a review of my two books, THE REBELLIOUS SPIRIT and THE NEW MAN. In his review he said a few things that perhaps he himself was not aware of... the unconscious is very deep, and nine times bigger than your conscious. He said that I am the greatest intellectual giant of the second part of the twentieth century. And at the same time, in the next sentence he said that if I were not always surrounded by controversy I would have more admirers in the world than I have today.
My secretary has written to him saying, "Can you give a single name of any intellectual giant in the whole history of man who was not surrounded by all kinds of controversies while he was alive?" A little part he sees - that which comes to his conscious mind - but something unconscious erupts.
Secondly, he has said in his statement that I do not have to be heard or seen: I am a master of words; just reading me is enough. He was thinking that he was praising me, calling me a master of words, telling his readers that "there are so many statements in his writings which are quotable and I feel a little jealous and think I would like to have written them."
My secretary wrote to him, "You have never seen Osho, you have never heard him. You seem to be an intelligent person; on what grounds are you saying that just reading him is enough? I have listened to him, I have listened to him speaking, and I can assure you that the spoken word has a life of its own, it is still warm. The printed word is dead. If you are so much influenced by the printed word, come at least once, on our invitation - Bombay is not far away from here, just a fifteen minute flight - and see the difference between the spoken word and the printed word."
You can also hear the spoken word on the radio or from the tape recorder, but if you see me speaking then something more is added to it. Then your two senses are working, your ears and your eyes.
Ears are not that sensitive; eyes have eighty percent of the sensitivity, and the remaining four senses have only twenty percent. To see is a totally different thing.
Seeing a master means feeling his presence, looking into his eyes, watching his grace. That is not possible from the written word. And if you are influenced so much by the written word that you declare the man as the greatest intellectual giant, it seems to be absolutely necessary that you should listen to him, you should at least see him once.
Yesterday his reply came, a very strange letter. He does not answer any question raised by my secretary. He cannot; he knows he has committed mistakes unconsciously.
Another question was also raised by my secretary: "A man of truth does not bother about admirers; from where did you get the idea? Was Gautam Buddha interested in admirers? Was Jesus Christ interested in admirers? It would not have been difficult to get admirers; even stupid politicians manage it. It is a simple strategy. Just say the things that they want to hear and you will get admirers.
"Osho is neither a politician, nor an actor, nor a showman. He is not interested at all in getting your admiration. He is a non-compromising man; he will say only what he feels to be true. Even if the whole world condemns him, crucifies him, it won't make any difference; he will go on saying what he feels is right and true."
A crowd of admirers cannot make a lie into truth, and neither does being alone against the world mean that your truth has become a lie. Truth has always been spoken by single individuals, and they were always condemned by the masses, by the crowds, for the simple reason that every truth destroys your prejudices, destroys your so-called knowledge, makes you realize that you are utterly ignorant and you don't know anything.
But he has not answered anything, although he has written a letter. On the contrary, in the letter he writes, "I will not come to listen to or to see Osho. I would not have gone to listen to and see Gautam Buddha, or Socrates, or Jesus Christ." And he himself sees the point that "perhaps you may think that I am an egoist. Certainly I am." This is the answer, the whole answer.
But it seems he feels that to be an egoist is nothing to feel ashamed of. This is the modern education, which has given one of the most idiotic ideas to the whole educated world. The whole structure of education is based on the childish psychology of the West, which says that every person should have a strong ego, otherwise he cannot survive in the struggle of life. And the function of education is to strengthen your ego. That's why, without feeling any shame or embarrassment, M.V. Kamath says, "Perhaps you will think that I am an egoist. I am."
But I could not conceive of a man saying that he would not have gone to listen to Gautam Buddha, or to Jesus Christ or to Socrates. Just an ordinary journalist, with such an ego - people are so much accustomed to the ego that they don't see it. It is so close to their eyes that it keeps them blind.
Satyarthi, you are moving in a different direction from the ego. You are moving towards love, trust; you are moving towards truth, being. The ego has to be left. It has to be completely left, and you can leave it only if you are conscious of it.
The second thing: you say, "The other is just plain afraid of you." Everybody is afraid of love; that's why even lovers keep a little distance, and even lovers go on fighting so that the distance remains.
They never come too close, where they can become one, because becoming one means you have lost yourself. That is your ego influencing you. Unless love is big enough that you can become one with the beloved, your love will remain absolutely incomplete, and you will remain in this split between love and fear.
What have you got to lose? Why should you be afraid? Sometimes it puzzles me. You don't have anything to lose - and what have you gained through your ego? What has been the benefit of it?
Perhaps fights, struggles, conflict... Being very touchy, just a small thing will insult you: if somebody who used to say hello to you one day just passes by you without saying hello, that's enough to keep you awake the whole night: "I am going to show that son-of-a-bitch! He did not say hello to me."
You don't have anything to lose; just a fear of which you have not been able to be aware. But this is the time to be aware of it.
You are saying, "... afraid of how vulnerable I feel in front of you... afraid that you could hurt me." I am going to hurt you! - there is no need to be afraid. That's my whole function here, to hurt you so much that finally you drop the ego - because that is what gets hurt. Nobody can hurt, nobody can humiliate, nobody can insult your authentic being; it is the phony part that starts getting enraged, feeling wounded by small things.
But as far as I am concerned, I promise you I will hurt you. So at least you can be at ease; there is no need to hang in a limbo... "Perhaps he may hurt me." No, I am certainly going to hurt you. Unless I hurt you, I cannot change you. But I don't hurt you, I hurt only what is false in you. You wanted some other kind of promise....
You say, "Yet deep inside, I know that you could never hurt me." You are wrong. You cannot persuade me not to hurt you - I cannot lose my whole profession!
And finally you say, "Would you talk about the disciple's trust in, and fear of, the master?" Both are absolutely together - one. When you trust the master, the trust comes from your real being - ego cannot trust anybody - and the fear comes from the ego.
If your fear is too much, then you will turn against the master and will start condemning him, saying lies about him just to protect yourself from people who will say that you are betraying your master.
It is strange that people have lived with me for ten, twelve years, worked... and when their ego was hurt in some way, left me. Even after being here with me for ten or twelve years they could not understand:
How can I help if I don't operate on your ego and separate it from you?
Gautam Buddha used to say, "I am a physician." Twenty-five centuries later, I cannot say that I am only a physician; I am a surgeon. After twenty-five centuries some evolution is needed.
These people lived twelve years with me but they never wrote a single word about me, they never brought a single person to me. But the moment they left me they started writing books against me; suddenly they became great writers.
It is simply a defense mechanism. They are trying to tell the whole world why they have left me - because I am not what they used to think. Still they are unaware that it is not my problem that they have left, it does not matter to me. Thousands of people have come and gone; I don't know even their names. While they are here on my surgery table I do whatever I can do, but a few idiots escape while the surgery is only half done.
I have heard about a politician. He had gone to a great surgeon, a brain surgeon. The politician was very important and he was contesting for the presidency of the country, so the brain surgeon had called all his colleagues and told them to be very careful. But they saw so much crap in his brain that they finally thought that it was better to put him in a coma and take out the whole brain and give it a dry cleaning.
While they were cleaning his brain in another room, the man came to a little, and at that very moment one man came in and said, "What are you doing lying here? You have been chosen the president of the country!"
So he jumped off the table. The surgeons saw that he was jumping off the table and they could not believe it; they said, "Wait, your brain is being washed!"
The politician said, "For five years at least I will not need it. You can keep it and clean it completely.
I have become the president of the country; what do I need the brain for?"
Shiva used to be sitting by my side every evening in darshan. He was a guard - not my bodyguard, just one of the guards - and his function here was that when people in darshan sometimes fell down, if they felt such an upsurge of energy that they could not manage to sit, his function was to take them back to their seats or take them and make them lie down by the side.
I had never seen anything that could be called intelligent in him. He never wrote a single word, he never wrote any book about his experiences here. Perhaps he was so insensitive that although he was amidst tremendous experiences happening, his insensitivity did not allow him to be aware of it.
The day I left for America he followed me. Certainly in America there was a different arrangement; the whole commune was a different kind of functioning organization, and he was not chosen to be a guard. He came twice, but I was in silence and isolation so he could not approach me.
The others who were in the office said, "We don't need you as a guard because we have been confirmed by the American government as a city. We have a police department so now guards are not needed."
Of course we did not allow any non-sannyasin to be in the police department. We sent our own people for the training; our own people were the policemen, so there was no need for guards. Those policemen were functioning under the chief of police of Oregon.
Shiva was so much hurt because his power had been taken away that he wrote a book, BHAGWAN, THE GOD THAT FAILED. If he had been authentic and true he should have written, SHIVA, THE GUARD THAT FAILED. But nobody looks at himself; people always project on others.
Satyarthi, at least you are aware of the split. Just go a little deeper in your meditation and the split will disappear. It is simply a confusion because you don't know that love is followed by fear as a shadow. Unless that shadow disappears, love is never complete and flowering.
But words are sometimes very dangerous. No dictionary exists in which you will find love in any way associated with fear. But the truth is, it is always following love to the very end when the master simply takes out his sword and finishes it completely. So I cannot promise you not to hurt you, but it will be a healing wound. It will bring you to more health and to more togetherness, to your authenticity and your being.
Don't be deceived by words, because words have not been coined by enlightened people.
The suave, impeccably dressed gentleman approached the menswear counter and was greeted by a beautiful, shapely, young attendant.
"Good afternoon," she murmured huskily, "and what is your desire?"
"My desire," he said, after giving her a long appreciative look, "is to take you in my arms, rush you to my apartment, open a magnum of champagne, put on some romantic music, and make hot love to you. However, what I need now is new shirts."
The word 'desire' created the whole trouble. He had come only to purchase shirts; if the girl had asked, "What is your need? what is your requirement?" things would have been different.
Sometimes words play such a tremendously meaningful role in our lives. Just a single word and your ego immediately picks it up and your whole consciousness becomes clouded and dark.
Satyarthi, it is good that you have exposed yourself; that shows that your love is greater than your fear. Now move your energy more towards love and leave the fear without energy. It will die by itself.
It is only a shadow.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT INSTEAD OF WATCHING THE THINKING, I AM THINKING OF WATCHING?
Yogananda, it is not only possible, it is absolutely certain that instead of watching the thinking you are thinking of watching. But if you have become aware of it, the change is possible. If you can think of watching, why can't you watch thinking? Just try. It is not a difficult process, it is simple.
But most people do that. They are thinking of watching and are deceived by themselves and start feeling that great things are happening: The watcher has come in and soon all these thoughts will disappear and the no-mind is not very far away.
When people say to me that meditation is going very well, I am a little suspicious. If the meditation is going very well, you don't have to say it to me; I can see it. It will change your eyes, it will change your posture, it will change your walk, it will change your speaking, it will make you more and more silent - a pool of peace without any ripples of thoughts.
But human mind is very cunning; it tries to the very end to deceive you. And you are very naive, you go on being deceived.
Sadie Moskovitz took her old grandmother to the movies. It was an epic about the Roman Empire.
In one scene a lot of unarmed prisoners were thrown to the lions. The old grandmother broke out into loud wails, crying out, "Ah, those poor people."
Sadie was very embarrassed and whispered fiercely, "Don't scream like that, Grandma. Those are Christians.
Choked, Grandma said, "I see." She was quiet at once, but then began wailing louder than before.
"Grandma," demanded Sadie, "what is it now?"
"Over there," said Grandma, pointing, "that poor little lion at the back. He's not getting any Christian."
Beware of your mind more than anything else in the world. It is the greatest deceiving device which has been created by your body, physiology, chemistry, biology. It keeps you tethered to the body and does not allow you to open your eyes to your consciousness. It keeps you engaged; it does not give you even a little holiday. The danger is that if you are given a little holiday you may become aware of your inner grandeur, the beauty of your being and the enormous truth and the glory of it. And once you have seen that splendor, you are not going to be deceived anymore.
Yogananda, now change it. Instead of thinking of watching, start watching the thinking. Even if the thinking is about watching, watch. It does not matter what is the object of thinking - it can be watching - don't get at all disturbed. You go on watching even thinking about watching and the watching that you will be doing will reveal secrets and the mystery of your being. And as they are revealed, mind disappears.
Mind is only there while you are utterly unconscious and ignorant. When more light is brought by meditation, watching, mind disappears like darkness. It is not a strong enemy; it is just that you have never tried to go beyond it.
Watching is simply a process of going beyond the mind, far away, looking at the mind, watching what is going on. Whatever the mind is doing you simply see it; don't appreciate, don't condemn, don't judge, because all these things are part of thinking.
Watching knows no judgment, no condemnation, no justification, no appreciation. Watching is simply like a mirror; standing before the mirror you may have a beautiful face but the mirror does not smile at you. You may have an ugly face but the mirror does not feel disgusted. You may have no face at all; the mirror is unconcerned.
Watching is simply exactly like a mirror reflecting the mind. Whatever is going on, the mirror reflects but makes no comments. This is the secret to getting beyond the mind, farther and farther away from it. Soon you will see that your mind is just a faraway echo - you can't even figure it out what it is muttering - and then it disappears.
The attachment with the mind is through your condemnation or appreciation. Even when the mind disappears, don't say to yourself, "Aha, this is it." Then the mind has come back from the secret door that it knows.
Just remain silent.
There is no need to say "Aha!"
There is no need to say "This is it!"
Relish and enjoy the silence that has come around you. Where mind was just a marketplace, you have entered into the silences of the heart.
Enjoy, dance, but don't say a single word.
THE OTHER MORNING YOU LOOKED SO YOUNG IN MY EYES. I LOVE YOU.
Mukta, perhaps the other morning you became aware of my eyes and became aware of your love.
But as far as I am concerned, you are the only sannyasin amongst millions who has loved me from the very first day you entered into my room some twenty years ago.
Mukta is one of those unwavering people that have become very rare in the world. She had not come for me; she had come just to accompany another sannyasin. That other sannyasin has disappeared long ago. She used to come to India at least two or three times a year to see me. She was American, very rich, and was constantly thinking that when her father dies... That old fellow was holding all the money.
Then I went to America, but she never came to the commune. The old man had died, and now she had all the money. She was afraid if she came to the commune and saw me it would be difficult.
She had been telling me again and again, "Osho, don't be worried. He cannot live forever. Once he is gone, our ashram is not going to have any trouble about money."
I said, "This is very ugly. The very idea is ugly and poisonous."
But he died and she became one of the richest women in America. She never came to see me in five years while I was in America and the last thing she did when she found that the American government was trying to destroy the commune or in some way deport me...
The U.S. attorney general had said, "Our main purpose is to silence Osho absolutely."
One journalist asked him, "What do you mean? Do you want to assassinate him?"
He said, "No, we have more sophisticated means to silence him."
She became afraid that if the American government found out that she was my sannyasin... She sent a letter from her attorney.
This is a strange world and gives tremendously hilarious moments. When I saw the letter I could not stop laughing. The letter said, "I have never been connected with Osho and I am not at all interested what happens to him or to the commune. I have never been to the commune. This is from my attorney to inform you that I have never been associated with you."
She must have become afraid. It is very difficult when you are passing through dark nights; even your own shadows leave you.
But Mukta is made of a different metal. She had come with that sannyasin just to see India; she had no conscious intention even to meet me. She came to see me just accidentally because that woman was coming to see me. And miracles happen in the world: that woman is lost, and Mukta has never left me for a single moment - here, in America, going around the world. She has left her home, she has left her husband, she has left her children, she has left all the heritage that her old father has left for her. She never went there to get that heritage; her other sister has swallowed the whole thing.
She has never complained about anything. She has never differed in her mind for a single moment; she has passed from disciplehood to the state of devotee long ago.
So it may have been, Mukta, that "the other morning you looked so young in my eyes. I love you" - but I have been loving you for twenty years. I can remember the first day you entered into my room in Bombay. Sitting on the sofa, I had a very clear perception that you had not come with Pratima, that sannyasin, but that Pratima had come with you, my future sannyasin.
And the same day Mukta became a sannyasin.
Such unwavering trust and love is the only miracle worth calling a miracle. Jesus walking on water is not miracle.
The Mother Superior was passing through customs and the customs officer asked her if she had anything to declare.
"Nothing at all," she said.
"What's in the bottle?" asked the suspicious inspector.
"Only holy water," declared the Mother Superior.
The inspector pulled the cork. "Aha! It is whiskey!"
"Glory to God," cried the Mother Superior, "it is a miracle!"
And this is for you all.
The morning after.
ITALIAN GIRL: Now you will-a hate me!
BRAZILIAN GIRL: You call that a samba?
RUSSIAN GIRL: My body has belonged to you, but my soul will always remain free.
AMERICAN GIRL: Who are you? I must have been drunk.
GERMAN GIRL: After we rest awhile, maybe we go to the beer garden, ja?
SWEDISH GIRL: I tank I go home now.
FRENCH GIRL: For this I get a new dress, oui?
JEWISH GIRL: I should have held out for a new mink coat.
JAPANESE GIRL: Now you know it is not so.
ENGLISH GIRL: There, dear, do you feel better now?
And finally, a sannyasin girl: My God, you REALLY want to go to Dynamic Meditation?