The ego exists through self-consciousness; it cannot exist otherwise. But remember, self- consciousness is not the consciousness of the Self: self-consciousness is not self-remembering, self-consciousness is in fact not consciousness at all. It is an unconscious state. When you are self-conscious you are not alert, you are not aware; you don't know that you are self-conscious. If you become aware, self-consciousness disappears. If you become a witness, then it is not found there.
Remember one criterion: whatsoever disappears through awareness is illusory, and whatsoever remains through awareness, not only remains, but becomes more crystallized - is real. Make it a criterion - consciousness is the touchstone.
In a dream if you become aware that you are dreaming, then the dream disappears immediately.
Not even a split second it can remain there. The moment you become aware that it is a dream. it is no more there, because the very nature of a dream is illusory - it exists because you are not. When you are, it disappears. It exists only when you are unconscious. If you take this as your touchstone and touch all that happens to you through it, there will be so much happening within you, such a great transformation is possible through it, that you cannot imagine it beforehand.
Anger is there; if you become aware, it disappears. Love is there; if you become aware, it becomes more crystallized. Then love is part of Existence, and anger is part of dreaming. If you are unaware, then you exist; if you become aware, you simply dissolve, you are no longer there - then God exists.
And you both cannot exist together - either you or God. There is no choice and there is no compromise. You cannot say: Fifty-fifty, a little I and a little God. No, that's not possible. You are simply not found, and God is.
So self-consciousness is not a right word, because consciousness is used in it, and it is a very unconscious state. It will be better, if you will allow me, to call self-consciousness self- unconsciousness. Whenever you feel you are, something is ill.
Chuang Tzu says: If the shoe doesn't fit, then you are conscious of the feet. If the shoe fits, the feet are forgotten. It is because of a headache that you become aware of the head. If the headache disappears, where is the head?
Along with the headache, the head also disappears. When something is wrong it becomes like a wound. When you are ill, then this so-called self-consciousness exists. When everything fits, is a harmony, and there is no discord, the shoe is not pinching, everything is absolutely okay; you are not self-conscious. Then you are. In fact, for the first time you are, but you are not self-conscious.
For example, whenever you are ill, you become body-conscious. You are weak, you have a fever, something is wrong in the body; you become body-conscious. It hurts - you become body- conscious. When the body is absolutely okay, healthy, in a state of well-being, you are not conscious of it; not that you don't know that you are healthy, but no self-consciousness is needed. You are simply healthy. A state of well-being surrounds you.
But in this state, there is no division between the state and the knower. You are one with it. It is not that you FEEL well-being, you ARE well-being, so who will be conscious of it? There is no division, so who will know about it? Only in disease does the division come in. You are totally one with the body when the body is healthy. When the body is ill, a rift happens; you are broken asunder. You are not together. The body exists somewhere, you exist somewhere else.
In meditation, you are one with your consciousness, so it doesn't function and exist as a mind. You are one - there is no division. When there is no division and unity comes in, all self-consciousness disappears. Let me repeat, because you can misunderstand it. It is not that the Self disappears, just the self-consciousness disappears.
And remember, you will not be in a state 'of unconsciousness; you will be perfectly aware, but not self-conscious. You will be perfectly aware, fully aware, but there will be only awareness, no division who is aware of whom - no subject, no object, simply a complete, a total state - a circle of awareness. That awareness in which self-consciousness is not is egoless. And that awareness has a grace, a beauty, a beauty that doesn't belong to this world.
Even an ugly person will become beautiful in that state; ugly as far as the criterions of this world go, but suffused, illuminated with something from the Beyond. The body, the shape may not be beautiful, but it is filled with some unknown grace. And then you forget the body; the grace is so much that you simply cannot attend to the body - you feel the grace.
All saints are beautiful, not that their bodies are always beautiful - no. But they are filled with some unknown bliss which touches you, a Face which fills the milieu around them. They carry their own climate, and wherever they are, suddenly you feel the climate has changed. And that is such a tremendous force that you cannot look at their bodies; their bodies simply disappear, their bodilessness is so much.
Your body is seen because the bodilessness is not there. You are just the body; nothing is illuminating it from the within. You are an unlit lamp, so only the lamp is seen. When the light comes you forget the lamp - when the light comes out of it then who bothers about the lamp? And if the light is so much, you cannot even see the lamp.
All saints are beautiful. All children are beautiful. Observe the fact. Every child is born beautiful; you cannot find an ugly child. Difficult, very, very difficult to find an ugly child. All children are born beautiful. Then what goes wrong? - because later on all people are not beautiful. All children are born with grace, but then something goes wrong; somewhere the growth stops, and everything becomes ugly. Later on you cannot find so many beautiful persons in the world. And as you grow old, you become more and more ugly.
It should be just the opposite, if life moves in the right direction. If you know the art of how to live beautifully, how to live with grace, how to live through the Divine, not through the ego, then just the opposite will be the case. Every child will grow more and more beautiful, and old age must be the culmination of beauty. It has to be. If the life has been lived according to nature, TAO, DHAMMA, if it has followed an inner discipline, not forced; if you have loved, if you have been aware, if you have been meditative, then every day you become more and more beautiful. And an old man who has passed through all the turmoils, all the ups and downs of life, who has known maturity, who is now seasoned, will have a beauty which nobody else can have.
In the East it has happened, that's why the East worships the old, not the young, because the young is still incomplete. The young has to pass through many things yet, and there is a possibility that something may go wrong. When an old man is beautiful, now there is no possibility of his falling down; he has known all, he has passed through all the experiences, all the anguish of existence, all the miseries, all the blessings. He has seen nights and days, he has moved to the peaks and to the valleys, and he has attained an inner integrity through all these experiences. Now he is balanced, now there is no right or left, now there are no extremes; now he neither longs for peaks nor avoids the valley - she simply accepts. Life has prepared him for this acceptance. Life has prepared him not to fight but to let go. And when you can let go, you have attained.
A young man tries not to let go and he fights. A young man tries to conquer. A young man is foolish; he does not know that the victory comes through let-go - he cannot know, it is difficult to know. He will have to pass through many frustrations, only then will he become aware that frustrations are the other aspect of expectations. He will have to pass through many defeats, only then will he come to know that victory belongs to those who don't fight, who give way, who don't fight against the current, who don't try to go upstream, who simply leave themselves wherever nature puts them.
Only those who have come to an inner harmony with nature are victorious. Now there is no fight, because how can the part fight the Whole? And how can the part be victorious against the Whole?
It is absurd, but a young man has to try.
An old man reaches to total acceptance; in this total acceptance he is the most beautiful, and he is not self-conscious - he cannot be, because ego is created, Others change like the weather.
Sometimes they appreciate you - in fact, they are not appreciating you, by accident you have come to them at a time when they are in a good mood. They appreciate you because they are feeling generous, in a good mood. Come to them when they are in a bad mood; they cannot appreciate you, you look ugly to them. Their appreciation doesn't depend on you; their appreciation or condemnation depends on their own moods. And how can you control the moods? They are millions, there is no way. You cannot control your own mood; how can you expect to control others' moods? If you depend on others, you will always be in a continuous trembling and shaking.
A mature man, a man who understands simply drops the whole idea - it is absurd, it is meaningless.
He simply lives his whole life unself-consciously and then beauty arises, then grace happens, then something from the Beyond starts pouring into him.
And here is the paradox: when this happens many will become aware of you. Many will feel the beauty, the benediction that you carry with you, the grace that happens just in your presence. Many will feel it when you are not self-conscious. When you are self-conscious you become ugly. When you are self-conscious the very effort to impress makes you ugly.
And this you can watch in life. It may be difficult for you to catch it in yourself, because it is very difficult to watch oneself - watch others. Why does a prostitute look ugly? She may have a beautiful body, but why does she look ugly? Because she is too self-conscious; she depends on the attention of others: she is a commodity, she is on sale, she is always in the window for others to appreciate and look at because that is her whole life, her business. A prostitute cannot live without self- consciousness. How can she live without attracting others? The body may be beautiful, but you cannot find beauty in a prostitute - it is impossible.
And sometimes a homely woman suddenly appears to be beautiful, just a homely woman doing her housewife's work: preparing food because the husband may be coming, waiting for children, just waiting for the lover, sitting near the steps looking far away in the distance; suddenly you feel a beauty around her. She is homely, in no way can you call her beautiful, but you feel the beauty.
What is happening there? Waiting for the lover, she is unself-conscious. She is not worried about you, she is not asking for anybody's attention, she is totally absorbed. She loves somebody, she is not self-conscious.
If you love somebody then you need not be self-conscious, and if you are self-conscious, you cannot love because the ego will become the barrier. If you are not self-conscious, only then is love possible.
That's why the more egoistic a person is, the less possibility is there of love. And when there is no love you are in a vicious circle: you think people don't love you because you don't appear beautiful, so you try to be more beautiful; you become more and more self-conscious - the more self- conscious you become, the less a possibility is there; and if you become absolutely self-conscious it is almost impossible - nobody can love you. You will simply put off anybody who comes near. You are a closed person, nobody can enter you.
An unself-conscious person is simply open. He doesn't expect much but much happens. If you expect too much then nothing happens. This story is beautiful. Try to understand it.
This is a parable so don't take it literally. In fact, everyone has two concubines. You may have one wife, but that is only on the surface. Everybody has two wives, one beautiful, one ugly; because every person has two aspects, one beautiful, one ugly. Even a beautiful person in certain moments is ugly, and just the reverse is also true; an ugly person is in certain moments beautiful, because ugliness and beauty are not parts of the form - they belong to the within.
Have you observed a beautiful person in certain moments when he or she becomes totally ugly Have you seen a beautiful woman with lust in her eyes? - suddenly everything goes ugly, because lust is ugly. Have you seen an ugly woman with love in her eyes? - suddenly everything becomes beautiful. Love beautifies - lust makes you ugly, anger makes you ugly - compassion beautifies.
The more you think inside your mind, the more ugly and tense your face becomes. If you don't think, if you live without much thinking, more meditatively, everything becomes beautiful. The faces of Buddhas always become feminine. That's why Hindus never depict their Enlightened persons with beards and moustaches, no. Have you seen any pictures of Buddha, or Mahavir, or Krishna, or Ram with a beard or a moustache? Not that beards never came to them, because that would have been a deformity; that would have meant that something was biologically wrong, physiologically wrong, some hormone was missing. No, they had beards and moustaches, but the Hindus have completely dropped them. They don't depict them because they are depicting something of the inner. They are showing through the statues of Buddhas that these men became completely feminine. Why feminine? - because grace is feminine, beauty is feminine.
The body loses all violent concerns; it becomes more round. Muscles are not needed for a Buddha.
Muscles belong to wild animal-hood. The body becomes more and more round, shapely, more and more feminine. When aggression disappears muscles also disappear because they exist for a particular purpose; for aggression, for violence.
Look at the pictures or at the bodies of Mr. Universes: they are wild animals; they are no more human beings. And their bodies are also not healthy. They have been forcing their bodies into unnatural shapes. They may look like lions, but they are not even human beings. They are appreciated because we are still animalistic.
If you become more beautiful and graceful, less aggressive and violent, then you will choose a man like the Buddha to be Mr. Universe; not the animals that you choose but a body which has lost violence and aggression, which is completely at ease, relaxed, ready to love, not to fight.
Everybody has two aspects. Just watch people. I say watch people so that finally, eventually you can watch yourself. It is very difficult to watch yourself because you are so near to yourself. There is no distance so observation becomes difficult.
Once, Mulla Nasrudin was put in a mental hospital, he had to be. But just after a few minutes, he pushed the call-bell. The nurse rushed in and she asked: What is the matter? Nasrudin said: You people, why have you put me in this room with this nut? - there was another person there - Why have you put me here with this nut? The nurse said: The hospital is crowded and it is difficult to find a single bedroom for you. And we know that he is a nut, but is he annoying you in any way? Nasrudin said: Yes, it is impossible for me to be here with him, he is annoying me. He goes on looking all around and saying: There are no lions here, no scorpions, no snakes, no tigers, no crocodiles; no, nothing is here. He goes on saying this and it annoys me. As you can plainly see, the room is full of them.
It is very easy to see what is wrong in somebody else. It is very, very difficult to observe oneself.
That's why I say, first start watching people. They are you - through them you will understand yourself. Just start watching people, they are you. Watching them you will come to a point where you can understand yourself better. Look at people on the street, at how self-conscious they are, how continuously ego-oriented. Look at your leaders, politicians, your so-called saints; how self- conscious they are - continuously on show: in the market, in the show-window, but never at home.
They are like commodities for sale. And it doesn't matter whether you are a very costly commodity And it doesn't matter whether you are a very costly commodity or a cheap commodity; a person is not a commodity. Mulla Nasrudin once met a woman in the train, and he said: Would you like to sleep with me? I will give you one thousand rupees. The woman hesitated a little and said: No, what do you think I am? Mulla Nasrudin said: Then I can give you ten thousand rupees. Now it was difficult to say 'no' to the offer, because to everybody there comes a limit when the price reaches a certain amount. The woman said: Okay. Nasrudin said: How about one hundred rupees? The woman said: What are you saying? What do you think I am? Nasrudin said: That we have decided.
Now, a little haggling about the price. That we have decided - what you are.
Ten thousand or ten rupees, that is not the point. Are you a commodity? Why are you so worried about what people think about you? Are you for sale? Then why so much self-consciousness? And everything goes wrong.
You notice people talking beautifully with each other - everybody talks - but just put the man or the woman on a platform and tell him to talk to you; something goes wrong. He was never at a loss for words before, now he cannot find them; he starts stuttering, trembling. And he's usually a good talker. With friends he talks perfectly well. What happened? Now he has become self- conscious. Standing on the platform he has become a commodity: Now what will people say, will they appreciate me or not? Now he is troubled. Now it is an ego-trip. When he is talking with friends it is not an ego-trip; he is a charming talker. But on the platform almost everybody becomes boring.
Mulla Nasrudin once became mayor of his town. He was a good talker, you could talk with him for hours together; a good story-teller, a beautiful man. But he became the mayor and it was very difficult. He started boring the people of the town. He would talk too long, and then he would be at a loss when to stop. So he told his secretary not to write such long speeches, because people were getting bored. The next day he delivered a talk; there was some celebration, the year was ending, but people still got bored. He was very angry. He told the secretary: What is the matter? I told you to write a short speech and you again did the same, and people got bored. The secretary said: I had written a short one but you read all three copies.
When you are self-conscious you are completely unconscious. You don't know what you are doing.
You are so afraid that you don't know what is happening. Self-consciousness is a disease.
Animals are beautiful, all animals. Have you seen an animal ugly? Have you ever seen an ugly bird, an ugly deer? Can you find an ugly tree? - then what has happened to man? When everything is so beautiful in the world, what has happened to man? There is nothing like an ugly tree or an ugly bird or an ugly animal. They are all beautiful, they are all graceful; they are so perfectly alike. If you go into the forest and see one thousand deer moving, you will not find a single deer too fat, too thin, ugly or beautiful. You will not be able to make any distinction - they all look alike.
What is the matter with man then? Why do so many people become so ugly and so fat; either thin or fat, but never in balance? They don't exist in a relaxed way. They are tense, self-conscious. When you are tense you will start eating more. When you are relaxed you eat only as much as is needed.
The body decides, not you.
If you are tense, you will eat more. Tense people tend to eat more because eating becomes an occupation; through eating they can forget themselves. Tense people become ugly because the tension is not only in the mind, it affects the body.
Body and mind are not two, there is no division. Mind is just the other pole of the body and the body is the other pole of the mind. Visible mind is body; invisible body is mind. Subtle body is the mind; gross mind is the body. You have a psychosomatic structure - it is one.
When the mind is tense, then your face starts showing the worries, then your skin starts showing the tension. And if it has become a deep-rooted thing, then the body takes the shape; the mind becomes the mould and the body takes the shape. Just by watching the face of a man, you can see what is happening in the mind.
Hence, face-reading exists as a science. It is a science, because your face shows what is happening in your mind. You see that whatsoever you do: eating, sleeping, moving, walking, relating with people, sitting alone; whatsoever you do, the body and mind are always together.
If you eat more, that shows that your mind needs love, and you are in such a deep need of love that food has become a substitute. People who are in need of love will eat more, and the more they eat, the less exists the possibility of anybody falling in love with them. Then it becomes a vicious circle - they eat more.
And a deep association exists between love and food because every child receives love and food together, from the same mother - they become deeply associated. In fact, the child gets food first, milk, and then by and by, he becomes aware of the love that is flowing from the mother. So whenever you cannot find love you will fall back on food; you will start eating more; it will become a substitute.
You walk - everything shows around you. If you are tense you walk in a tense way, as if you are carrying a burden, a mountain on your head; something is hanging around your neck. Even if you shake hands, if you are worried and tense, the hand will be dead, there will be no warmth in it, it will be cold. It is like a dead branch of a tree: no more life moves in it.
Because when you are tense the whole energy is absorbed in the head. When you are relaxed, the energy moves all over; then the energy has a flow. When you are tense it becomes blocked.
Tense, you are like a river in hot summer; only in some spots little pools are left, but the bed is dry.
Somewhere you can find a little dirty pool, but there is no flow; so again sand, so again a little pool.
This is how a tense man is: there is no flow of energy-many blocks, many dry beds, and somewhere a little pool exists and that pool is bound to become dirty. When energy is flowing you are fresh.
When energy is moving without any blocks you are river-like, and the ocean is not far away. When you are a summer river; when everything is dried and only pools of energy exist, and there is no interlink between your energy pools, then you can never reach to the ocean; then God is the farthest thing possible. Flowing, He is near - non-flowing, He is very, very far away. Flow is needed, and when you flow you are beautiful.
Look at a child, watch a child; he is a flow, a river-like flow. He moves like wind and he never tires.
They have been doing some experiments at Harvard University. One very, very healthy person was told to follow a child for twenty-four hours. Whatsoever the child did, he had to do - whatsoever. If the child jumped he had to jump, if the child went out, he had to go out, the child lay down, he had to lie down. Within eight hours he was completely exhausted; he couldn't follow for twenty-four hours.
And the child was never tired.
What was happening? - the river was flowing. When a river is flowing, a constant source of energy is available. The man simply said: I cannot follow any more. This boy is driving me crazy and I am tired, exhausted. I feel that my mind will crack any moment, because he is doing such absurd things, without any rhyme or reason, and I have to follow him. And the boy enjoyed tremendously, that somebody was following him and he had become the leader.
Just watch a small boy. What is happening? Nothing, just a simple thing: he is not a dry river in the summer - he is a flood. He is a river in the rainy season, millions of streams are falling into him, and you can be the same.
But the more you become self-conscious, the more a deep tension goes into you. Self-conscious, you start shrinking; unself-conscious you open and spread. And everybody has two concubines.
Everybody is himself the two concubines.
This looks irrational, but it has a deep reason. WHEN YANG CHU ASKED THE REASON, THE FELLOW ANSWERED: THE BEAUTIFUL ONE THINKS HERSELF BEAUTIFUL, AND I DO NOT NOTICE HER BEAUTY: THE UGLY ONE THINKS HERSELF UGLY, AND I DO NOT NOTICE HER UGLINESS.
Try to understand this arithmetic of existence, paradoxical, but real. And if you can understand it many things will change in you immediately.
If you demand something it will not be given to you. If you don't demand, you will suddenly find millions of streams falling into you - every door is open. Demand and you will be denied; don't demand and the whole existence belongs to you. Possess and you will lose; don't possess and nobody can take it from you. Be self-conscious and you will not be a Self; be unself-conscious and you attain to the inner crystallization, the integrity which is the Self.
The fellow said: The one thinks herself beautiful. When somebody thinks himself or herself beautiful, there is a constant demand: Look at me, I am beautiful, appreciate me. And beauty is a delicate phenomenon - you cannot demand. If you demand, in the very demand you have become ugly. If you demand, I repeat, the very demand makes you become ugly, because demand is ugly. If you demand and you are asking for it too much, nobody is going to give to you. Your demand becomes aggression - it is violent, and how can violence be beautiful? How can aggression be beautiful?
Somebody who thinks himself or herself beautiful is constantly aggressive. You cannot live with such a person happily - almost impossible, because the demand is too much. And when somebody demands, you will feel a sudden feeling not to give; because one wants to share, one wants to give, but one wants to remain one's own master. If you have to fulfill a demand you become a slave.
Nobody wants to be a slave.
And this is not only so for beauty, it is so for every dimension of life. If somebody says: I am a Realized man; and demands recognition continually, it is difficult. In the very demand the man proves his ignorance.
Hence the UPANISHADS say: The man who thinks he knows does not know. Hence Socrates says:
When I became a knower, I realized that I am the most ignorant one.
A man who knows becomes ignorant, and all those who are ignorant know much. They demand: I am a knower. It is the demand of an ignorant mind. Those who know, they never demand, because the moment you become knowing what do you know? - you know nothing.
Existence is so vast, so mysterious, how can you know it? All claims to knowledge are egoistic, and only one who is not egoistic, who becomes completely unself-conscious, who does not know who he is enters into the mysteries.
It happened: Bodhidharma reached China. He took the lotus flower of silence, the light of Buddha, the awakening, the secret, the key. The Emperor came to visit him. He asked many questions.
He said: I have done many, many things, good deeds. What will the outcome be? Bodhidharma said: Nothing. You will fall into the deepest hell. One who has done a good deed should not be self-conscious about it, because a good deed becomes a bad deed if you are self-conscious about it - that is the only sin.
The Emperor was a little shocked. He asked other questions and he received only shocks. He asked: Tell me something about the holy sacred Buddha? Bodhidharma said: There is nothing holy and nothing sacred. Because if you think something is holy then self-consciousness takes it over. If you think: I am holy, then you are bound to look at others as sinners. So Bodhidharma said: There is nothing holy, nothing sacred. Angry, the Emperor asked: Who are you to be talking like this before me? Bodhidharma said: I don't know.
This is the perfect knowledge. Bodhidharma said: I don't know who I am to be talking here before you. Look at the beauty of it; he says: I don't know who I am. In this no-claim, he claimed all.
When you claim you miss. Saying 'I don't know', he effaced himself completely, utterly. This man is absolutely unself-conscious; he has attained to the Self.
THE BEAUTIFUL ONE THINKS HERSELF BEAUTIFUL AND I DO NOT NOTICE HER BEAUTY.
She would like it to be noticed. Whatsoever you want that people should notice, nobody will notice.
You will be a constant drainage of their energy - you will drain them of their energy, you will be a burden, a bore. And everybody will escape from you; nobody will like being near you. A self- conscious person is like a heavy burden: you come near him and suddenly you feel a fever because he is demanding something.
THE UGLY ONE THINKS HERSELF UGLY AND I DO NOT NOTICE HER UGLINESS.
And the ugly thinks herself ugly.... She is humble, she doesn't claim anything, she doesn't ask, she doesn't demand any notice. She doesn't say that she is this or that, she simply knows that she is ugly. So if you lover her she feels grateful. If somebody notices her she feels thankful. And when you feel thankful and grateful, you become beautiful. Whatsoever somebody says to her, she feels it is too much: I was not in any way worthy of it. I am ugly. She is not expecting anything, so whatsoever happens is a bliss, a happiness. If you expect you will be frustrated; if you don't expect you will be fulfilled.
Said the fellow: The ugly one thinks herself ugly and I do not notice her ugliness. She has become so humble, so simple, so egoless, so unself-conscious that I cannot notice any ugliness in her.
You are destroying yourself by claiming things: you claim that you are wise and then life proves you to be fool; you claim yourself to be very attractive and life doesn't take any notice of you; you try to prove that you are beautiful and everything proves that you are ugly. Because there is nothing more ugly than the ego, and all claims are egoistic.
Drop claims and simply remain with the fact. Don't claim anything don't ask anything, don't demand.
Don't think that you are very, very worthy and then much will happen to you - the whole existence will accept you. When you accept existence, existence accepts you. When you claim, in every claim you are complaining: I was more worthy.
Just a few days ago a man came to see me, he insisted. Ordinarily, I don't want to see persons who have never meditated, who have never listened to me, because it is going to be futile. But he insisted so I said: Okay. He had been writing letters to me for many years where he said: There is a deep problem that I would like to discuss with you, and I am in much misery. He talked continuously for half an hour saying that he is a graduate of Oxford, that he is in the Secretariat on a very high post of the Ministry of Education in New Delhi, and he has done this and that. I tried again and again to bring him to the point: What is the problem? But he would not come to the point. He went round and round. I said: But your time is nearly finished, come to the point. These are not problems. You are a graduate of Oxford, okay, it is not a problem. What is the problem? Then he said: The problem is that too much injustice has been done to me. I am a very capable man with many degrees and achievements, and nobody takes any notice of me, so how can I tolerate this injustice? He would have liked to be the Prime Minister or the President or something, but then too it would not be just because nothing can be just if you have expectations. I told him: There is no problem. The problem is not how to tolerate injustice, the problem is how to drop the claim of being worthy.
If you think too much of yourself, if you think of yourself as somebody significant, then every day, every moment you will find that injustice is being done to you. Nobody is being unjust. Who bothers about you? Who has time to do injustice to you? Who cares? But you feel that the whole world is being unjust to you. Nobody is being unjust to you; it is your claim.
Lao Tzu says: If you want to be the first in the world, you will find yourself to be the last. And if you are able to stand at the back, just to be the last, you may find yourself to be the first.
Efface yourself completely; a clean state, not claiming anything, nothing written on it. Become clean, don't be self-conscious and suddenly you feel that all the doors that were closed have opened. They were never closed - it was you.
A rare phenomenon happened. You must have heard about Houdini, the great magician. Only once in his life did he fail, otherwise he could open any type of lock within seconds without keys. How he did the whole thing has yet remained a mystery. He would be tied with chains, locked into a trunk and thrown into the sea and he would escape within seconds. He was thrown into all the great prisons of the world and within seconds he was out. England has one of the best police, one of the best detective departments, Scotland Yard, but they could not do anything. Whatsoever they did, within a few seconds he was always out. Only once did he fail; it was in France. He was thrown into a cell in a prison, and he could'nt get out of three hours. Nobody could believe what had happened:
Is he dead? And then he came out, perspiring, completely tired. A joke had been played on him and he missed: the door was not locked and he was trying to open it.
How can you unlock a door which is not locked? If it is locked there is a way, something can be done. He never expected the door not to be locked. He tried and tried in every way, but the door was not locked, there was no lock on it, and he could'nt see it for three hours. Then how did he come out? - just from tiredness he fell down and the door opened.
Existence is not denying you anything. There is no injustice, there has never been, there cannot be.
How can the mother be unjust to the child? Existence is your mother; you come out of it, you go back into it. How can existence be unjust to you? It is you claims, your egoistic claims that create the problem.
YANG CHU SAID TO HIS DISCIPLES: REMEMBER THIS - IF YOU ACT NOBLY AND BANISH FROM YOUR MIND THE THOUGHT THAT YOU ARE NOBLE, WHERE CAN YOU GO AND NOT BE LOVED?
If you efface yourself, love rushes towards you from every side - everybody falls in love with you. If you efface yourself, if you are nobody, everybody falls in love with you - everybody; even a stranger suddenly feels love for you. This I say to you from my own experience, that if you efface yourself, everybody is in love with you. If you try to be somebody it is impossible: nobody can love you.
Without ego you are accepted everywhere: you are a guest, you are accepted everywhere. Without ego, whatsoever happens you will feel a benediction; with ego, whatsoever happens you will be miserable. Because it is not what happens that matters, it is the you to whom it happens.
The ego is a deep discontent - it cannot be satisfied, it is a bottomless pit. Whatsoever you throw into it disappears; it always remains hungry, that is the nature of it. Nothing can be done about it.
You can simply drop it, otherwise you will always remain dissatisfied.
Egolessness is contentment. Egoless, you don't expect anything, and just a small child smiles at you, but it is so beautiful. What else could you need? Suddenly you see a flower and the flower sends its perfume to you. What else could you need? What more could you want? The whole sky goes on filling with stars, the whole life becomes a celebration because now everything is beautiful.
Without expectation everything fulfills - just to breathe is enough, just to breathe is such a bliss.
Otherwise, with the ego....
I have heard: Mulla Nasrudin went to his bank. The bank was celebrating the hundredth year of its existence, so they made it a point that whosoever came first was to be given many presents: a car, a television set, this and that, and a cheque for ten thousand rupees. By coincidence, Mulla Nasrudin entered. He was garlanded, photographed, interviewed, and many gifts were piled on him:
notes, a TV set, and a car which was standing out. When everything was finished he said: Now, is everything finished so that I can continue to my destination? They asked: Where were you going?
He said: To the complaint department. He had come to complain about the bank, and even all that had happened would not do. He couldn't forget the complaint.
The ego is always going to the complaint department. Whatsoever happens is meaningless because even if God comes to you, you will say: Wait, let me first reach the complaint book. The ego is headed towards the complaint book; nothing can satisfy the ego.
The whole effort is useless; drop it. If you simply efface yourself, abide in non-ego, abide in egolessness, drop self consciousness and become more conscious, then suddenly everything fits, suddenly everything falls into a harmony; nothing is wrong. There is no injustice going on. You feel at home everywhere, and only in this moment of at-homeness, the existence takes a new color - it becomes Divine, it becomes spiritual; never before it.
So the search for God is not a search for some person outside of you. The search for God is a search for this moment of total fulfillment. Suddenly the door is open - it was never closed. It appeared closed to the ego. With no ego in between, the door is open; it has always been open.
Existence is open - you are closed; existence is simple - you are complex; existence is healthy - you are ill. Nothing is to be done to existence; something is to be done to you. And nobody else can do it for you, you have to do it.
Watch your self-consciousness, feel the misery that follows it like a shadow. If you want to get rid of the shadow, you have to get rid of the ego. You have been trying to get rid of the shadow, but how can you get rid of the shadow? - it follows ego. You have to drop the ego, then the shadow disappears.