Without icecream no love is complete

Fri, 10 March 1988 00:00:00 GMT
Book Title:
Om Shantih Shantih Shantih
Chapter #:
am in Gautam the Buddha Auditorium
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Question 1:




Mayoori, it is one of the oldest problems human beings have faced. Their fancy is about pure love, care, concern, but their biology has a different program. It has no concern with your pure love or caring. Its concern is to reproduce the species. Biology is purely sexual.

The effort is going to fail if you want a love which is non-biological. And the problem becomes more complicated. The woman can perhaps wait, because her sexuality is passive sexuality, it is spread all over her body. It feels immensely joyful to her just to be cuddled, loved, cared. Sex seems to her to be something lower, animalistic.

But one has to consider man also. His sexuality is localized. One thing: it is not all over his body.

And second: it has to be aggressive. The woman's egg waits inside - it can wait for infinity - but the man's sperm cannot wait that long. He wants to have the marathon race as quickly as possible.

That's why he pretends romance and all goody-goody things, but his real intention is when it is nine-fifteen...! He is constantly looking at the watch. Everything else is good, but the real goal is nine-fifteen.

And the situation is determined very quickly.... Those one million sperms that will be released in one sexual act will never have such a marathon race again; it is a question of life and death. Only one out of one million will reach to the woman's egg which is just sitting there.

Once one sperm has reached the egg, the egg is closed. Sometimes it happens that a few friends reach together; then you have twins. But that is very rare and anyway one million people cannot reach - they will kill the woman if they reach at the same time... nine-fifteen! There are wiser ones who stand by the side and see the whole scene, and there are idiots who don't look here and there and go direct like an arrow because there is not much time. The life of a sperm out of a man's body is only two hours.

Once a man's sperms are released, he wants to sleep. He's tired and it is enough. Now he doesn't think about romance, he does not have any inbuilt program for a little afterplay... before, he has to. So within two or three minutes - that is nine-seventeen - he is already thinking, "When will this nonsense stop?" Certainly it is tiring for him; it is his energy that is going out.

The woman is not losing energy, she is gaining energy. And she could not even get an orgasm, because the orgasm takes some time. The man should play with her body, provoke every cell and fiber of her body so she becomes afire. But no man is concerned and it looks stupid also, "What are you doing? Just do the real thing and go to sleep."

Mayoori, it is very difficult to find a man who will love you and not just as an object of sexual release.

It does not mean there will not be any sex. It may be just a small part in a big, romantic, loving, caring atmosphere. It will be very difficult for you to find such a man, and meanwhile you will be becoming older. So my suggestion is, if that man ever comes into your life - very good; meanwhile Niskriya is perfectly okay. And I am not making a story! Niskriya has been interested in Mayoori for at least three years, but Mayoori never gave him any chance to come close. But when she saw that one witch had already got him, the next night she reached to Niskriya...!

Niskriya could not believe it - this is the woman he has been fancying. But Niskriya is a very scientific, mathematical person - a technologist, and that too a German technologist.

So Mayoori was coming to him... he was happy, but it did not last. Next day he asked the question, "Every girl has a boyfriend, every boy has a girlfriend - there are even boys who have boyfriends and girls who have girlfriends ... why is nature so hard on me? I only have my camera...!"

You can do everything with the camera, but doing romance is a little too much. You can talk to the camera, say, "Sweetheart..." But for more than that the poor camera cannot help much - and particularly Niskriya's camera; he won't even allow anybody to touch it. He is such a perfectionist!

So Mayoori, as far as I know, right now Niskriya is free. You can give him a try. And don't ask the impossible. Try! The impossible also can happen, but it needs tremendous intelligence, understanding, playfulness. You can create the atmosphere in which even a man like Niskriya may start feeling love for you. I am risking my own cameraman, because he cannot have two romances.

His romance is filming and everything has to be perfect.

The most you can do is have your sexual relationship with people who are not romantic in any sense, and have your friendship with people who have gone beyond sex. You will either have to make a certain arrangement or you will have to change the man. It is not only the man's responsibility to love you, to give you care and understanding and sex, it is also your responsibility. It is a question of a very subtle dialogue.

If you are loving, caring, you will create a kind of synchronicity in the man also. That is the whole art of love. Nature has missed it or did not bother about it, because its concern was different. But your poetic heart, your individuality is far bigger than your biology. It cannot be satisfied only by biology.

But remember, don't go on looking for that man. Create the situation from your side too.

I have heard...

A man was saying that he has toured around the world looking for a perfect woman. One listener asked him, "Did you find her?"

He said, "Yes, but she was looking for a perfect man."

Love has to be a sort of creativity.

Then only does sex remain as a small part in it. My understanding is that the woman has more capacity to create the atmosphere of caring because she is by nature programmed to be a mother.

Every woman should also be a mother to her lover.

So take care of him, his clothes, his food, his cleanliness and slowly, slowly the man and his hardness - which is natural to him - will start melting. He will also start thinking, "Poor Mayoori is doing so much for me; I should also do something." Then he is certain to bring ice cream. And without ice cream no love is complete. I don't know why it is so, but it is so!

Niskriya was very happy when he saw Mayoori approaching him. For three years he has been dreaming about her - a beautiful woman - but I don't think they could manage to be together long.

They both need a certain art and a certain understanding.

Unfortunately the world has taken it for granted that everyone knows how to love, so no educational system, no university has courses for the art of love. It is very strange that the most important thing is neglected.

One day when I was sitting with the vice-chancellor in his room, a girl came in with tears in her eyes, but I could see that behind her tears there was a subtle joy. And she said that a certain boy was harassing her. He takes the air out of her bicycle tires, he throws small stones at her, he continually writes letters...

"Even my family has become concerned because he never signs them. They also harass me, 'Who is this man and why does he go on writing love letters to you?' I know who he is, but I cannot tell them because then there will unnecessarily be a quarrel and fight. I have come to ask you to do something and prevent this harassment."

The vice-chancellor said, "Don't be worried, I will call this boy right now and it will not happen again."

I said, "Wait."

He said, "Why?"

I said, "Wait. Before you call the boy I have to ask a few questions to you in front of this girl."

He looked a little shocked - I was a professor in his university. He said, "You always behave strangely. It is none of your concern."

I said, "It is my concern, it is everybody's concern. Answer me honestly. When you were a student in the university at this age have you not done the same things to any girl?"

He said, "My God!"

And I said, "Remember, you cannot deceive me and you will lose all your honor in my eyes if you deceive. Tell the truth."

He said, "Yes, I used to do such things."

I said, "One part of it is clear."

The girl was amazed. Tears disappeared, she was almost smiling, and I said to her, "Now you ask yourself, are you really interested that nobody should harass you, nobody should throw stones at you, nobody should take air out of your bicycle tires, nobody should write you love letters...? Be honest the way the vice-chancellor has been honest. Will you be happy then?"

For a moment she hesitated and she said, "No, in fact I enjoy whatever he is doing."

"Then why have you come here to complain?"

She said, "Talking about him makes me very happy. He writes such beautiful letters."

And the vice-chancellor said, "This is a strange situation. Now what am I supposed to do?"

I said, "You simply don't do anything. If you do anything I am going to your house and will inform your wife what you have been doing in your college days."

He said, "No, don't do that. That will make my life hell. It is already a hell. Have mercy on me! I'm an old man and those are very faraway echoes of when I was a postgraduate in a university. Yes, once in a while I remember those beautiful faces which have all failed... and I have ended up with a bitch."

I said to the girl, "From tomorrow - at least in my class - you should sit with the boy."

She said, "With the boy?"

I said, "Yes, with the boy. Nag him. Start what is going to happen in the end. It is better to be finished beforehand. Pinch him, and I assure you he will enjoy."

She said, "This is a strange solution, I have never heard... And what will the others say?"

I said, "Don't be worried about others. If anybody says anything send that person to me and I will put him right."

This is the situation because nobody is taught a simple art of love. Because the boy cannot touch the girl, he throws a stone. At least the stone he has touched will touch the girl.

It does not appear clearly to people who don't understand the human mind that he is touching the girl from a distance because closeness is not allowed, he is taking the air out of her bicycle... In fact, he wants her to be on his bicycle, but neither does he understand nor does she understand.

..."Send your boy to me and I will teach him how he should behave."

She said, "I have come here so that he should be punished. It seems you have punished me and you have punished the vice-chancellor too. And that boy who is harassing me is being rewarded."

I said, "He has to be rewarded, he is courageous for writing love letters. Where are all those love letters?"

She said, "I have collected them."

I said, "If you hate that boy why have you collected those love letters? You should have burned them, but you enjoy them. And do you read them again and again?"

She said, "You know so much! Yes, it is true. Every night when everybody is asleep I read them again and again. He writes such beautiful things, so nice - and he looks beautiful."

I said, "Then what is the problem?"

The problem is that society is not providing proper guidance for what you should do, and it is one of the most fundamental problems of man's life: his sexuality, his love. Somehow he has to learn how to rise above biology. Biology remains a part - I am not against biology, but biology is very mediocre and ordinary. Some poetry, some music, some dance - and finally, some ice cream. They are absolutely needed.

Mayoori, give poor Niskriya a try - he was immensely happy when he saw you approaching him...

The world has been teaching girls: You should run away and allow the boys to chase you. But don't run away so fast that they lose hope. Run away and then wait. Let them come closer and then run away and wait... finally to be caught.... It is just to give you a sense that you are responsible for whatever happens afterwards. Because the girl was running away, you chased her, you caught her.

And in fact the truth is that she is managing it so that you can chase her. She is managing it so that you can catch her. So she remains higher than you and she will remind you again and again, "I was not after you, you were after me."

But there is no need for chasing and being caught. People should be more understanding and approach each other saying, "I have something in my heart that starts dancing when I come close to you. If you also have something of the same perhaps we can have a few days..." And life is not so long!

One famous Urdu poem is....

Life consists of four days.

Two are for preparation and two for waiting.

Waiting for what? Preparing for what? In a small life don't waste time in unnecessary moralities, puritan ideologies, preachers and their teachings... They are all hypocrites.

Be authentic and say to a man or a woman, "I love you. I like your eyes, I like your face... That does not mean that I will like everything of you, but I will try to avoid those things. If you have any sensitivity for me, I am available. I don't ask for your totality nor should you ask for my totality."

That's what you are asking: totality. Poor human beings cannot be total; and things go on changing.

Today what seems to be great love, tomorrow will not seem to be so great. And the day after tomorrow, it will be ordinary repetition and you will start looking here and there for how to have that great totality again.

There is no totality, there is only illusion of totality in life. The man of intelligence understands that life is not perfect and is not meant to be perfect. It is imperfect. We are all imperfect beings. So although there may be nooks and corners which you don't like about a person, there may be things that you do like.... Don't wait for a dream girl. Be more realistic and try to understand that everybody has faults, and to love someone does not mean that you have to change that person. To love that person does not mean that you have to destroy his freedom.

To love simply means that you feel that something clicks within the two of you. As long as that dance within your heart remains, good. I have always considered that every couple should have a weekend, just a change. I don't see that there is any immorality in it, but simply intelligence. Why force people to live in boredom? Such a small life... four days and they too are wasted in boredom.

And after the weekend your own wife will again be..."My God, she looks beautiful!"

Every woman is almost the same and every man is almost the same. The non-essentials are different: somebody has a beard and somebody has not.... The whole humanity should live in a kind of loving atmosphere which allows freedom so that boredom does not set in.

Mayoori, you have a great chance. A man who has been thinking of you in his dreams is here just in front of me. Nobody dreams about the poor fellow, because he is so statue-like that one feels afraid.

I have heard people ask for photographs of Niskriya just to make their children afraid, but a woman like Mayoori may change his stone-like...

Just last night he was standing almost the way the soldiers of Adolf Hitler used to stand: straight.

And the day before he was wearing the Chinaman's cap with a small note: Excuse Me. You will have to think of the whole joke, then you will understand what "Excuse Me" means. He is trying his best.

Just see what he does today...!

Paddy picks up a girl in the pub and then takes her for a drive in his old Ford car. He stops on a deserted section of country road, turns to the girl and begins to make some rather predictable advances.

"Just a minute," the girl declares, pushing him away. "I'm really a prostitute, and I have to charge you fifty dollars."

Paddy reluctantly pays her and they make love. Later Paddy sits silently at the wheel.

"What is the matter?" asks the girl. "Are we not leaving?"

"Not quite yet," says Paddy, "I am really a taxi driver, and the fare back is fifty dollars."

But people manage....

A young fireman is becoming bored with his sex life, and feels he needs to make it more juicy.

He gets the idea of using codes, like he does when he is fighting fires, and explains the idea to his wife.

"When I say Code One," says the fireman, "that is your signal to run upstairs to the bedroom. Code Two means get undressed and jump into the bed and Code Three means we make mad passionate love."

All goes well for a week and their love life reaches new heights. But one night after going through all three codes, the wife suddenly yells out, "Code Four!"

The fireman looks at her and says, "What is that?"

"Code Four!" she cries. "More hose!"

Gorgeous Gloria is very fond of her parrot, but is always embarrassed by its bad habits.

Whenever Gloria brings home a boyfriend, the parrot cries, "Someone is going to get it tonight!"

So she takes the parrot to the vet for treatment, but the vet tells her that her bird must be lonely and in need of female companionship.

At the petshop Gloria explains her story and asks about a female parrot.

"I'm afraid we are out of female parrots at the moment," says the storekeeper, "but in the meantime, why don't you take home this nice lady owl and see how they get on together?"

A few nights later, Gloria comes home with a new boyfriend.

The parrot takes one look and screeches, "Someone's going to get it tonight!"

"Whooo?" hoots the owl.

The parrot glares at the owl and squawks, "Not you, you big-eyed bitch!"

Father Murphy is explaining the meaning of faith to his congregation.

"In the front row," he says, "we have Paddy and Maureen and their five children. Maureen knows they are her children - that is knowledge. Paddy believes they are his children - that is faith."

Old man Finkelstein is having lunch with his young grandson, Fagin Finkelstein, the lawyer. Over brandy and cigars, the old man explains how he has succeeded in business.

"When I arrived in this town, my boy," he begins, "I had nothing but the suit I was wearing and a small brown parcel which represented my entire worldly possessions. And now I own three factories, employ two thousand people, live in a large mansion and drive a Rolls Royce."

"Amazing," says Fagin. "That is some achievement. But, tell me, what did you have in your brown paper parcel?"

Old man Fink puffs on his cigar and says, "Two million in cash!"

Mayoori, Niskriya may not look like a romantic lover, but he has good cash.

Okay, Maneesha?

Yes, Beloved Master.

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-- Charles A. Lindberg, Wartime Journals, May 1, 1941.