Nobody is at home
MY GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME I AM A LITTLE BORING, NOT VERY JUICY, VERY DEPENDENT AND A VICTIM. THEN I FELT VERY GUILTY AND DEPRESSED AND UTTERLY UNWORTHY. I BEGAN TO FEEL INSIDE ME A BIG NO: TOWARDS EXISTENCE, LIFE, LOVE, YOU. MEANWHILE I OBSERVED IN ME THIS DESTRUCTIVE ENERGY AND I FELT THAT I SOMEHOW ENJOYED IT!
BELOVED MASTER, IS IT POSSIBLE TO USE THIS ENERGY IN SOME CREATIVE WAY?
Anand Veetkam, your question is an example of the stupid conclusions that mind comes to. Perhaps you may not have looked into it and its contradictions. I would like to go into the very psychology of such questions. They are not only within you, they are within many. You are courageous to expose yourself.
The exposure begins, "My girlfriend told me I am a little boring." Your girlfriend is very compassionate, because each man finally becomes very boring, not a little boring. Do you realize the fact that what you call love is a repetition, the same stupid gymnastics again and again? And in this whole stupid game the man is the loser. He is dissipating his energy, perspiring, huffing, puffing, and the girl keeps her eyes closed, thinking, "It is a question only of two or three minutes and this nightmare will be finished."
People are so non-inventive that they take it for granted that going through the same actions is making them more interesting. That's why I say your girlfriend is very compassionate - she only told you that you are a little boring. I say to you, you are utterly boring. When the Christian missionaries came to this country, people discovered that they knew only one posture of making love - the woman underneath and those ugly beasts on top of the delicate woman. In India that posture is called the missionary posture.
India is an ancient land and the birth place of many sciences, particularly sexology. A book of tremendous importance, by Vatsyayana, has been in existence for five thousand years. The name of the book is KAMASUTRAS, hints for making love. And it comes from a man of deep meditation - he has created eighty-four postures for lovemaking. Naturally the love posture should change; otherwise you are bound to be boring.
Vatsyayana recognizes the fact that the same love posture creates boredom, a feeling of utter stupidity, because you are always doing the same thing. He invented eighty-four postures to make the love life of couples a little interesting. Nobody in the whole world has written a book of the caliber of KAMASUTRAS. But it could only have come from a man of immense clarity, of deep meditativeness.
What is your lovemaking? If you look at your lovemaking, you yourself will feel that it is all boring.
And particularly for the woman it is more boring, because the man is finished in two or three minutes and the woman has not even started. And all around the world, cultures have enforced in the minds of women that they are not supposed even to enjoy or move or be playful - that is called 'dirty'; prostitutes do it, not ladies. Ladies have to lie down almost dead and let that old guy do whatsoever he wants to do; it is nothing new, there is nothing new even to see.
You should not take it as a personal disrespect. Your girlfriend is telling you something really sincere and honest. Have you given her orgasmic joy? Or have you only used her to throw out your sexual energy? Have you reduced her into a commodity? She has been conditioned to accept it, but even this accepting cannot be joyful.
You make love on the same bed where you fight every day. In fact fighting is the preface: throwing pillows, shouting at each other, arguing about everything and then, feeling tired, some negotiation is needed. Your love is only a negotiation. If you are a man of aesthetic sensibility, your love chamber should be a sacred place, because it is in that love chamber that life is born. It should have beautiful flowers, incense, fragrance; you should enter into it with deep respect.
And love should not be just an abrupt thing - grab the woman. This hit-and-run affair is not love.
Love should have a preface of beautiful music, of dancing together, of meditating together. And love should not be a mind thing - that you are continuously thinking of how to make love and then go to sleep. Love should be a deeper involvement of your whole being, and it should not be projected by the mind, but should come out spontaneously.
Beautiful music, fragrance, you are dancing hand in hand, you have again become small children playing with flowers... If spontaneously love happens in this sacred atmosphere it will have a different quality.
You should understand that the woman is capable of multiple orgasms, because she does not lose any energy. Man is capable of only one orgasm and he loses energy, looks depressed. Even the next morning you can see his hangover, and as he goes on growing older it becomes more and more difficult.
This difference has to be understood. The woman is on the receptive end - she has to be, because she has to become a mother, she needs more energy. But her orgasm has a totally different way of happening. Man's sexuality is local, like local anesthesia. A woman's body is sexual all over, and unless her whole body starts trembling with joy, each cell of her body starts becoming involved, she cannot have an orgasmic explosion.
So it is not only in your case, it is the case for almost ninety-nine percent of women around the world.
The whole situation has to be changed. The woman should not be under the man. In the first place it is ugly - man has a stronger body, the woman is more fragile. She should be on top of the man, not the man on top of the woman.
Secondly, man should remain silent, inactive, so that his orgasm is not finished within two minutes.
If you are silent and let the woman go crazy on top of your chest it will give her good exercise and it will bring her to an explosion of orgasmic energy. It takes time for her whole body to warm up, and if you are not inactive there is no time. So you meet, but the meeting is not of beauty, of love, but just utilitarian.
Veetkam, try with your girlfriend what I am saying. You be the inactive partner and let her be the active partner. Allow her to be uninhibited. She has not to behave like a lady, she has to behave like an authentic woman. The lady is just created by man; woman is created by existence. You have to fill the gap between her orgasms. The gap can be filled in only one way, that you remain very inactive, silent, and enjoy her going crazy. And she will have multiple orgasms. You should end the game by your orgasm, but you should not begin with it.
And your woman will not call you a little boring. You will be a really interesting, real wonderful guy who is behaving like a lady! Keep your eyes closed so that she is not inhibited by your eyes. So she can do anything - movement of the hands, movement of the body, moaning, groaning, shouting...
Until she says, "Hari Om Tat Sat!" you are not allowed to be alive, you simply remain silent. This should be the indication. "Hari Om Tat Sat" simply means: this orgasmic explosion, this is the truth.
Then she will be mad after you. Right now you must be behaving stupidly, as most of the men in the world do.
The second thing you say: "My girlfriend is saying that I am not very juicy." So become a little more juicy! To become juicy is not very difficult. The juice of all kinds of fruits is available everywhere.
Drink more juice, less solid food. She is giving you good advice and you in your stupidity are thinking that she is condemning you.
When she says, "You are very dependent and a victim," I can see even through your question that she is right. A victim you are, just as every human being is a victim - a victim of stupid ideologies, which have created strange guilt feelings and do not allow you to be playful. Although you may be making love, you know you are committing a sin and that hell is not far off.
Becky Goldberg was telling Goldberg, "You are a great lover."
Goldberg said, "But you never told me this before. I was waiting for somebody to say that I am a great lover, but I dropped the idea because it seems I am not."
Becky Goldberg said to him, "No, you are a great lover, and I wanted to say it to you many times, but you were not there!"
... making love to Becky, and Goldberg is not there. He is counting his money, doing his accounts, and his mind is doing thousands of things. In every bed where there are two lovers there are at least - I mean minimum - four people. There are more inventive people - they may have a whole crowd in the bed. The woman is making love to Goldberg and thinking of Muhammad Ali. Goldberg is making love as a duty and is thinking of so many beautiful actresses; but his mind is not there, and neither is his wife's mind there. Their minds are in their dreams.
A man told his friend, "Last night I had a tremendous dream. I have to tell you. I have been waiting for the morning to tell you the dream." The man said, "What kind of dream?"
He said, "I went fishing in my dream and I caught such big fish that even to draw in one big fish was a strenuous job for me, and I caught so many fish. I don't know where these fish disappear to in the day."
The other man said, "Stop all this nonsense, you don't know what I have dreamt. I found in my dream, on one side of me, Sophia Loren, absolutely nude. And I said, 'My God, have I reached heaven?' And on the other side was another beautiful woman. It was impossible to judge who was more beautiful."
The other friend became very angry and he said, "You idiot! You pretend to be my best friend. Why didn't you call me?" He said, "I did call, but your wife said you had gone fishing."
Nobody is where you think he is. Nobody is at home. While making love make it a meditative process. Your whole presence has to be there, showering on the woman you love. The woman has to be there, showering all her beauty and grace on her lover. Then you will not be a victim, otherwise you are a victim.
Love is not accepted by your so-called, utterly idiotic religions to be a natural and playful experience.
They condemn it. They have made it a condition: unless you leave your woman you will never attain to truth. And the conditioning has been going on for so long that it has almost become a truth, although it is an absolute lie.
You are a victim of traditions and you are certainly dependent. When I read your question further you will see how you are dependent - dependent on a girlfriend who tells you that you are boring, not very juicy and a victim.
Your dependence shows further: "Then I felt very guilty and depressed and utterly unworthy." If your girlfriend, by saying such simple truths, can make you very guilty and depressed and utterly unworthy, she certainly seems to be your master. "I began to feel inside me a big No." And this is where your girlfriend has been kind, not to say to you, "You are a little bit of an idiot too."
You are saying, "I began to feel inside me a big No towards existence." Now what has existence done? Do you think your girlfriend is existence? "... towards life." Do you think your girlfriend is life?
"... towards love." And finally, "... towards you." Why involve me? I have not been giving all these ideas to your girlfriend; I don't know her. She is not getting these lessons from me about what to tell you.
This shows your utter idiocy. Are you here for me or for your girlfriend? I go on saying things every day and nothing changes in you. And your girlfriend just said that you are a little boring and you don't doubt her. Perhaps you have come here following your girlfriend. And in what way can you say No to existence, to life, to love and to me? That really is hilarious. I had not said anything and you have included me - on what grounds?
Rather than listening to your girlfriend who was saying sincerely that you are boring, just a little, you should have asked her, "In what way can I become a little more interesting? Do you have any suggestions? If I am not juicy then tell me how I can become juicy." That would have been an intelligent step. But instead of asking the girl you started having "a big no: towards existence, life, love, you." Sometimes I think that... I don't even know you personally, nor your girlfriend. In what way am I involved in it?
But I can understand the reason. Perhaps you may not be able to explain it, but I can see the underlying reason for your big No. You believe in your girlfriend too much - naturally you could not ask her. That shows your dependence. You must be afraid to make much fuss about these things with the girl, because girlfriends are not your permanent wives, no law prevents them from moving with someone who is more juicy. And everybody in the beginning is juicy, but just a few days together and the whole juice dries out. You start looking around for some other girl, for some other man, because they are all looking juicy.
You will repeat the same thing life after life; you have done it already, without understanding the foundation. Living with one man more than a week the problem arises of how to get rid of him.
He is also thinking about how to get rid of you. But it does not look right to either of you, so you start creating trouble so that somehow some other idiot may become interested in your girlfriend, because you both go on seeing that other girls are more juicy, other men are more juicy.
It is an old story that the green grass on the other side of the fence of your bungalow looks greener than your own grass. Distance creates that phenomenon.
Any woman may look to you juicier than your wife - she is just a pain in the neck. But what you don't know is that all these women are following the same philosophy. For one or two days they are so groovy, and once they have caught hold of you the real story starts - they start becoming a pain in the neck. And the same is true about men. Meeting a girl on the sea beach, in the garden, by the side of a river, he pretends to be Alexander the Great, walks like a lion, and within two days the same fellow is reduced to a rat.
Nobody talks about the reality of why this is happening, why so many people are unnecessarily made miserable. This society will never be happy if we don't allow people to move and not get stuck in marriages, not get stuck in their own promises. Out of freedom meet with each other, and the moment you feel that you have explored the whole topography of the woman and the woman knows that she has experienced whatever is possible to experience in the man, then it is time to say goodbye to each other in deep friendliness. There is no need to hang around each other's neck.
A world completely free from any contracts between man and woman will be immensely lovely, beautiful, unboring, interesting. But we have created institutions, and to live in an institution is not a very great experience. Your marriage is an institution, although the newer generation is moving a little more freely, before settling after the age of thirty. I have been looking around the world to find a hippie who is at least of the age thirty-five. I have not found any. Nearabout thirty all hippies disappear, they become just square people whom they were fighting against before.
Seeing the situation, that living in institutions - of marriage, community, society, Lions Club, Rotary Club - you cannot live joyously, you have experimented. This is the first time in history that we have a younger generation. I don't mean that in the past there were not young people, but there was no "younger generation." A small child, seven years old, would start following the father's business, would start going to the fields, would start taking care of the cows; or if the father was a carpenter, would start helping him. At the age of seven he had already joined the society.
For the first time in history there is a generation which can be authentically called younger and which has created a generation gap. Schools are there, colleges are there, universities are there and it takes twenty-five years, twenty-six years to come out of the university with a postgraduate degree or with a doctorate. But by that time you are no longer young. By that time you start having responsibilities: professorial, professional, family, marriage.
But during the time that you spend in the hostels and in the universities, before entering life, there is a long gap in which you are not engaged in any utilitarian, purposive activity. That has created the generation gap. Men and women become sexually mature - women at the age of thirteen, men at the age of fourteen - and they will be married perhaps ten years afterwards or twelve years afterwards. These twelve years have created girlfriends and boyfriends.
It is a great opportunity for the future to understand the whole phenomenon and its psychology. You have the choice to change the old habits, to create trouble but drop old habits. Every man needs to be aware of many women. Every woman needs the experience of many other men before deciding to marry. Their experience will help them to find the right person with whom they can melt and merge without any difficulty.
Anand Veetkam, "Meanwhile," you are saying, "I observed in me this destructive energy and I felt that I somehow enjoyed it." Everybody has destructive energy, because energy, if left to itself, is bound to be destructive - unless it is used with awareness and becomes creative.
But the most important thing that you are saying is that, "Somehow I enjoyed it." Then how are you going to change it? With anything that you enjoy you are bound to remain on the same level; you cannot change it, because you may not enjoy the change. And all this has come to your mind only because your girlfriend told you that you are "a little boring, not very juicy, very dependent and a victim."
You have energy. To enjoy destructive energy is suicidal, to enjoy destructive energy as destructive is in the service of death. If you are aware of it you have to go through a transformation. Use your energy creatively, perhaps that will make you less boring, more juicy, less dependent, less of a victim.
And the most important part will be that you will not feel guilty and depressed. No creative person feels depressed and guilty. His participation in the universe by his creative actions makes him tremendously fulfilled and gives him dignity. That is the very birthright of every man, but very few people claim it.
Moreover, this big No will become a big Yes if the energy moves into creative dimensions. And there is no difficulty, it is so easy to use energy in creative fields. Paint, do gardening, grow flowers, write poetry, learn music, dance. Learn anything that changes your destructive energy into creative energy, and immediately the big No will become even a bigger Yes. Then you will not be angry at existence, you will be grateful. You will not be against life. How can a creative person be against life, love? It is impossible, it has never happened. It is only the uncreative people who are against everything. And if you can be creative, life-affirmative, you cannot be against me, because I am giving you the directions for becoming an authentic, sincere, celebrating individual.
Your girl has raised very important questions for your life. The easiest way would be to change the girlfriend, but I suggest that your girlfriend is certainly a friend to you and that whatever she has said is absolutely sincere, authentic. Be grateful to her and start changing things. The day your girlfriend accepts you as juicy, as interesting, will be a great day in your life. So don't be a coward and change girlfriends just because this girlfriend creates trouble in your mind, and you want to find some other girlfriend.
You must know of my disciples here. You are fortunate to find a very compassionate girl. Your next choice will be very difficult; she will make you feel absolutely guilty and unworthy. Because what have you done to be worthy? What have you done not to be boring? What have you done to declare your independence? What have you done not to be a victim? It is time you should do it. You will remain always grateful to your girlfriend.
Anand Veetkam, I would like to tell your girlfriend, "Go on hitting this fellow until you are satisfied that he is not boring, but full of juice, utterly interesting, playful, celebrating. You may lose him somewhere on the path of life, but you will have prepared him for some other woman; otherwise the way he is now he is going to torture many women and torture himself."
He is even planning to torture me! I am absolutely out of the game, I am not a partner in your relationship. In what way have you managed to think that a no arises against me? I understand why it arises. It arises because I respect women in every dimension as being equally capable as men.
They have been beaten down the ages; they have never been able to say a single thing about their husbands.
Just three days ago it has been found that even in America husbands are beating their wives. But the wives have been hiding the fact up to now - because it does not look as if you have been beaten and you cannot do anything, nor does it look good to defame the husband. It does not look good to the children, if they come to know... I used to think that wives are only beaten in India.
One of the great Hindu saints, Tulsidas, who is worshipped and read all over India by every Hindu, has a strange statement: Dol gamar pashu aur nari. Ye sab taran ke adhikari. He is categorizing women with drums - dhol means drum, gamar means idiots, pashu means animals, and nari means woman. All these four are constantly to be beaten. The dhol, the drum, will not work if you don't beat it. So for thousands of years Indian women have been beaten. It has been taken for granted, there is no question.
I have come across situations where a husband was beating his wife and I could not tolerate it and I entered their house, and I was amazed: more than the husband, the wife was against me, saying, "He is my husband, you cannot interfere in our affairs. If he is beating me, it is perfectly okay."
So deep has the conditioning gone. Here I am taking out all your conditionings and I am preparing the future man who will respect the woman as equal to himself, who will give opportunity for her growth as he takes opportunity for his own growth. And there will not be any kind of bondage. If two persons can live in love their whole life, nobody is going to disturb them. But there is no need of any marriage and there is no need of any divorce. Love should be an absolute act of freedom.
But you have also been told for thousands of years that, "If you really love then your love has to be permanent." I don't see that anything in life has the quality of being permanent. Love cannot be an exception.
So don't expect that love has to be permanent. It will make your love life more beautiful, because you know today you are together, tomorrow perhaps you will have to depart. Love comes like a fresh, fragrant breeze into your home, fills it with freshness and fragrance, remains as long as existence allows it and then moves out. You should not try to close all your doors or the same fresh breeze will become absolutely stale.
That's what people's lives have become - stale, ugly - and the reason lies in their idea of permanent love. In life everything is changing. And change is beautiful; it gives you more and more experience, more and more awareness, more and more maturity.
Just to change the subject....
The male dinosaur has been going out with the female dinosaur for two thousand years and finally he asks her for a kiss. She agrees.
Four thousand years later he asks if they might hug a little, and she agrees.
Three thousand years later he says, "Look, honey, we have been seeing each other for about nine thousand years. Don't you think it is about time we... er... you know, get it on?"
She looks at him shyly, and says, "Oh, darling I would love to, but I'm having my decade."
A little Jew is wandering through the Sahara desert carrying a watermelon under his arm. He stares into the distance where he thinks he is seeing a mirage. But no, it turns out to be Pope the Polack walking towards him, carrying a car door.
They greet each other and the pope asks the Jew why he is carrying the watermelon.
"Every time I get thirsty I eat a slice," explains the Jew. "And what are you doing with that car door?"
"Well," says Pope the Polack, "every time I get too hot I just roll down the window."
Yes, Beloved Master.