Kiss or Kill
The first question
THERE IS DEEP IN MYSELF A YEARNING FOR THE PERMANENCY OF LOVE. IS THAT STUPID?
LOVE CAN EXIST in two dimensions: either as horizontal or as vertical. We are acquainted with the love which is horizontal. That is also the dimension of time; the vertical is the dimension of eternity.
The yearning in the heart is not for permanency; there you have misunderstood. But that misunderstanding is almost universal because we know only one plane: the horizontal, the dimension of time. In that dimension there are only two possibilities: either something is momentary OR permanent. But the permanent is nothing but many moments; that too begins and ends.
Permanency is not eternal, it cannot be. Nothing can be eternal in time. That which is born in time is bound to die in time. If there is a beginning, there is an end.
And your love begins; it begins at a certain moment in time. Then it is bound to end. Yes, it can end sooner or later. If it ends quickly you call it momentary; if it takes a little longer time to end you call it permanent. But permanency also is not going to fulfill the heart, because the heart longs for that which does not end at all, which is forever. It is the longing for God. God is another name for eternal love.
Jesus says: God is love. And that is one of the greatest statements ever made. Love becomes synonymous with God. If you can know the eternal love you have known God. Nothing is left, all is fulfilled.
But the mind knows nothing of eternity. The heart yearns for the eternal, but the heart is continuously being interpreted by the mind. And mind knows only either a very short-lived love or a little long-lived love. But even if love lives a little longer the fear will always be there that it is going to end. And your fear is right - it is going to end. In fact, it will be longer if you are unintelligent. If you are very very thick and very very unintelligent it will take a long long time for you to understand the futility of it all.
If you are very intelligent it can end quickly because you will see that there is nothing much in it.
The more intelligent a person is, the more short-lived will be his love - love as you know it. That's why as humanity is becoming more intelligent, love is becoming a short-lived phenomenon. In the past it was almost permanent; there was nothing like divorce. In uneducated countries still there is nothing like divorce. The more a country becomes educated, cultured, sophisticated, the rate of divorce increases, in the same proportion, for the simple reason that people can see that they get bored with each other. Then there is no point in dragging it on; then it is better to finish it.
But the mind can finish one thing and immediately substitute another illusion, again and again. Mind is a non-learner. Even the intelligent person remains a non-learner. And the mind has become so powerful that anything coming from the heart never reaches you, your being, uninterpreted by the mind.
The heart says eternity and the mind interprets permanency. That's where you are missing the point.
The yearning of the heart is for a vertical dimension; that is the dimension of meditation. Mind lives horizontally; hence the mystics of all the ages have realized the fact that mind and time are not two different things: mind is time. Mind cannot live vertically; mind lives in the past, in the future. For the mind, present is non-existential. From the past to the future mind goes on moving. The present seems to be only a passage from the past to the future.
I have heard:
A hunter was going to the jungle to hunt. A friend wanted to accompany him; he also wanted to be a hunter, but he was very unskillful, amateurish. The hunter said, "Okay, you can come along."
The hunter brought him to a place where tigers used to pass and lions used to pass, because it was close to the pond and they are bound to come to the pond when they feel thirsty. So they were hiding in a bush. The hunter gave him indications, hints that "When it is going to happen, be alert and shoot immediately."
A tiger passed. The hunter was amazed because the friend remained almost frozen; he didn't even move, he didn't do anything to shoot him. He asked, "What happened? "
The friend said, "It went so fast that I saw him only when he was out of sight."
That's exactly what the present is: you see it only when it is out of sight; when it is already past, then only you see it. You never see it as present. Mind is not that quick. Mind is not alert, not aware.
Mind is dreaming. It is always surrounded by past and future, and the small, atomic moment of the present goes fast. It must be moving faster than the light itself, because we never catch hold of it.
By the time we are aware it is already gone. The time that we take in becoming alert is enough, and it is gone. You always know it when it is out of sight. So all that you are aware of is the past which is no more and the future which is not yet. You live between these two non-existential things.
The dimension of the vertical is a totally different phenomenon: you jump out of mind. That's what meditation is all about: you get out of the mind, you get out of the past and the future, you get out of time. You are no more thinking, you are no more dreaming, you are no more desiring. There is no memory, no imagination. All is silent.
Then you can see the present, and you can see there is only present and nothing else. And present is eternal. In fact, present is not part of time at all; present is part of eternity. It is always now, it is never otherwise. And that is the yearning of the heart.
Anna, you are not being stupid because of the yearning of the heart, but you are misunderstanding it. You want a love which is born out of meditation, not born out of the mind. That is the love I continuously talk about. That is the love Jesus is speaking of, that love is God. It is not your love; your love cannot be God. Your love is only a mind phenomenon; it is biology, it is physiology, it is psychology, but it is not eternal. Eternal is of the essential being.
The DESIDERATA will call my love essential and your love non-essential. The non-essential cannot become eternal. Even if you try to make it permanent you can manage, but it will die sooner or later.
You can even befool yourself that it is still there; you can pretend at least as if it is there.
Millions of couples around the world are living as if it is there. They are living in a world of "as if." Of course, how can they be joyous? They are drained of all energy. They are trying to get something out of a false love; it cannot deliver the goods. Hence the frustration, hence the continuous boredom, hence the continuous nagging, fighting between the lovers. They both are trying to do something which is impossible. They are trying to make their love affair something of the eternal, which it cannot be. It has arisen out of the mind and mind cannot give you any glimpse of the eternal.
Anna, my suggestion is, if you are really ready to fulfill the longing of the heart, then forget all about love. First go into meditation, because love will come out of meditation. It is the fragrance of meditation. Meditation is the flower, the one-thousand-petalled lotus. Let it open. Let it help you to move in the dimension of the vertical, no-mind, no-time, and then suddenly you will see the fragrance is there. Then it is eternal, then it is unconditional. Then it is not even directed to anybody in particular; it cannot be directed to anybody in particular. It is NOT a relationship; it is more a quality that surrounds you. It has nothing to do with the other. You are loving, you are love - then it is eternal. It is your fragrance. It has been around a Buddha, around a Zarathustra, around a Jesus.
It is a totally different kind of love: it is qualitatively different.
You are asking only for a little more quantity - not one day but two days, three days, four days; not one life but a few lives - but anyway it is going to end. And the longer you stretch it, the thinner it will become, the more boring it will become, because it wants to die and you are stretching. And sometimes it dies but you are not able to drop it; you go on carrying the corpse. It stinks! Once it was a beautiful phenomenon; now it is simply dead and it stinks.
There is a beautiful story in the Indian scriptures about Shiva. His wife, Parvati, died, and he carried the corpse of his wife for twelve years all around the country, hoping that somewhere some physician may be of some help. Slowly slowly, limbs of the dead body started falling, but he continued his journey in search of a physician; some alchemist, some magician, some miracle-maker may do it.
Crying, weeping, he went around the country.
There are in India twelve sacred places. It is said that these are the places where the parts of the body of Parvati fell. Wherever a part fell it became a sacred place.
You can carry the dead body - but you cannot find the physician.
This is far truer than the story of Jesus reviving a dead man, although it looks impossible that a man like Shiva will carry a dead woman. But my own observation is that I have seen millions of people carrying dead love affairs which have gone dead long before, but carrying out of fear, clinging - just clinging with the known, with the familiar, although it is just misery and nothing else, but clinging.
When love dies, it dies. In time one has to accept death and one has to say goodbye, with no complaint. no grudge, because when something ends what can you do? In time that is the nature of things: they begin and they end. Buddha says: Everything that happenS in time is bound to die.
So accept - it is the suchness of things.
But if your heart is really yearning for something eternal, then I can show you the way. Then drop the idea of love. Before you can give you must have. You are trying to give something which you don't have; you are trying to get something from somebody who has not got it in the first place. Then how can it be eternal? Sooner or later the disillusionment IS BOUND to happen. How long can you carry it? How long can you remain in a deception?
That's why I say the more intelligent you are, the quicker it slips out of your hands. Only stupid people can live a married life, thinking that it is something permanent. Intelligent people cannot live the so-called married life, or if they live it then they will have to change their partners many times in their life. But each time the same thing will happen.
The mind goes on finding other causes, but never looks at the real cause. It cannot, because to look at the real cause means suicide of the mind. It will find a thousand and one faults in the woman, in the man you have been living with - that's why the love has failed. Not that the love in time is bound to fail, there are faults in this woman. You have chosen a wrong woman, you don't fit with her, you are not made for each other, and so on, so forth. But one day you were thinking you are made for each other, and you have completely forgotten it. Remember those days, the beginning days of the love affair... and you were thinking, "This is going to last forever!" You had even promised to each other that "This is going to last forever."
Just a few days ago, Aneeta and Anubhava wanted to live together. My suggestion was that they should live separately and continue to meet. But lovers are lovers - fools are fools. That's why it is called "fooling around"! They wanted to live together. Aneeta even gave in writing that "We will never separate, and I promise. And we are absolutely certain that we want to live together, twenty-four hours a day together." So I said, "Okay, then it is up to you."
And not two months have passed, and yesterday I received Aneeta's letter that "We want to separate." Just two months! She has forgotten that she has given in writing that "We will never separate," that "We will always live together."
It happens to everybody. This is an illusion, a mirage. And you want to make a mirage permanent?
How can you make a mirage permanent? How can you make a dream permanent? The morning will come and you will have to wake up. and once you wake up you can close your eyes again and go on trying to find the dream, where it has gone. You want to continue it, but you cannot continue the dream again. It is lost forever. Once you are awake it is broken forever; you cannot find the thread again. It is un-mendable, remember.
You cannot mend a broken love - a broken mirror, maybe. Ways can be found: it can be again melted and again it will be one. But a broken love there are no ways no possibilities. Hence the fear. The fear shows that deep down you are aware it is slipping out of your hands, so you want to make it permanent. Now the way is to go to the court and get married. These are the ways to make it permanent. Make it a legal phenomenon so that the court and the police and the magistrate and the law and the state will hinder in every possible way. If you want to separate they won't allow you to separate.
It is good that Aneeta has given it in writing to me, not to the court! She need not be worried - the day she gave it I threw it away because I know there is no point in keeping it - sooner or later it is going to end. And I don't want her to feel embarrassed! I have thrown it. She can separate... but she will do the same thing again, that is the problem. And you believe me, she can write it again, just after two months.
Now she wants to be absolutely alone; she does not even want to live with anybody - finished! She is awakened! But this will happen again and again. At least a few times more it is going to happen, because I can hear her snoring so I know she will dream again! And no dream can be permanent, and your love is a dream. And mind can only dream; it cannot give you the reality.
Get out of the mind. Forget all about love. You don't have any understanding of love - you CAN'T have any understanding of love. Only through meditation will you change the dimension of your being. From horizontal you will become vertical. From living in the past and the future... Now, why this permanency? Permanency means you are trying to figure it out even in the future. You want it to remain as it is even in the future - but why? In fact, it must already have flown away; then only one starts thinking about permanency.
When two lovers are really in the illusion they don't think about permanency. Ask any two lovers in their honeymoon days - they don't care. They know that they are going to be together forever.
But the moment it starts slipping out of your hands, then the mind says, "Now cling. Make it permanent. Do everything to make it permanent. Don't look at the cracks that are happening.
Don't look, avoid, forget all about them. Go on covering them up - somehow manage it."
But you are asking for the impossible.
I can teach you meditation, and out of meditation a different quality of love will happen. Then it is not fooling around. Then it is wisdom, not foolishness. Then you don't fall in love, you rise in love.
Then love is a quality to you. Just as light surrounds a flame, love surrounds you. You ARE loving, you ARE love. Then it has eternity. It is unaddressed. Whosoever comes close to you will drink out of it. Whosoever comes close to you will be enchanted by it, enriched by it. A tree, a rock, a person, an animal, it does not matter. Even if you are sitting alone... Buddha sitting alone under his tree is radiating love. The love is continuously showering around him. That is eternal, and that is the real longing of the heart.
Don't misunderstand it - but mind can ONLY misunderstand. Understanding is possible through meditation alone.
The second question... it is not addressed.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I FEEL ABSOLUTELY FREE AND UNCONDITIONED: FREE TO BE MYSELF EVERY SECOND WITHOUT ANY COMPROMISING. AND I REALIZE THAT THE ONLY EFFORT I HAVE TO MAKE IS TO BECOME AWARE. CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT AWARENESS? BY THE WAY, I LOVE YOU.
"BY THE WAY," hm? By the way you love me? And you don't know what awareness is. And yet you feel:
ABSOLUTELY FREE AND UNCONDITIONED: FREE TO BE MYSELF EVERY SECOND WITHOUT ANY COMPROMISING.
The only thing missing is awareness. This is far out! That's why he has not even addressed the question, because addressing me maybe creates some disturbance in his freedom; maybe it shows some kind of surrender; maybe it shows that still he is not absolutely free, he is not absolutely himself.
And love is never "by the way."
The scene: the maternity ward of a large New York City hospital. Ralph is anxiously waiting for the arrival of his first-born child. He is pacing up and down the aisles of the waiting room, nervously glancing through the twelve magazines he has read three times each and, of course, chain-smoking.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees a doctor leave the surgery with a tiny, newborn babe in his arms and walk towards the waiting room. Since he is the only expectant father in the room, Ralph is sure that this must be his baby. He is overjoyed!
He runs out to meet the doctor, but to his horror he now sees the doctor is throwing the baby up in the air and catching it by the leg as it comes down. Ralph is shocked! He runs to get his baby before some tragedy occurs, but just as he is about to reach it, the doctor once again throws the child high into the air and misses grabbing hold of the leg on the way down. The baby crashes to the floor with a soft thump!
"My baby! My baby!" Ralph screams. "What have you done to my baby?"
"Take it easy," replies the calm doctor. "He was dead anyway!"
By the way, you love me? It is dead anyway! And without awareness there is no freedom. Without awareness how can you become unconditioned? Who has ever heard of such a thing! Don't deceive yourself. At Least be a little more attentive to what you say. Be a little more observant of what you ask. This is sheer madness!
Awareness happens first, then unconditioning. Unconditioning is the outcome of awareness.
Awareness functions like a key; conditioning is a lock on you. The key of awareness unlocks you; it brings you out of your prison. And then there is freedom; but without awareness you can only dream about freedom. You can dream about unconditioning, you can start even believing in this.
And the way you say, "NOW I AM FREE TO BE MYSELF EVERY SECOND WITHOUT ANY COMPROMISING," shows that you have not understood what I have been saying. What to say about unconditioning and freedom? They are far, far away from you. You have not even understood, you have not even been intelligent enough to understand what I am trying to relate to you.
One is free only when one is not. One is oneself only when one is not. Freedom does not mean that you become more of a self. Your statement that "I am free to be myself" is egoistic. It is ego now trying to decorate itself with freedom. If you become deceived by it you will fall into a far deeper ditch than you have ever been in before.
The ego wants to claim enlightenment, and when you hear me saying that you are all enlightened your ego feels very joyous. So inside you say, "That's really what I have been telling to myself - that I am enlightened!"
Anand Matthias has not even addressed his question. How he can address it? It will be difficult.
He has become enlightened! He cannot call me his Master; he cannot call me Bhagwan. He has become absolutely free!
Freedom happens not for the self. Freedom really means freedom from the self, not of the self.
When you are unconditioned the self disappears, because your self is nothing but conditioning, layers and layers of conditioning. It is the onion. When you start peeling it, what are you going to find in the end? When the whole onion is peeled, nothingness is left in your hands - not a self but a nothingness, SHUNYATA, ANATTA - no-self, absolute emptiness as far as ego is concerned.
But the ego is very clever. If you throw it out from the front door it comes from the back door, but it goes on grabbing you again and again. Now this can become your conditioning. Remember, even the idea that "I am unconditioned" can become a conditioning. Conditioning is a very subtle process.
I have heard about one man who was a disciple of the famous Russian psychologist, Pavlov. Pavlov has found the theory of conditioned reflex, and the whole of Russian psychology depends on that, because Pavlov tries to explain everything through conditioning. Pavlov says everything is conditioning, and he is ninety-nine point nine percent right, because he is wrong only about the Buddhas; otherwise he is right. Only a Buddha lives a life of unconditioned consciousness because only a Buddha lives a life of no-mind and no-self.
But the people we come across are ALL conditioned. The Christian is conditioned in one way, the Hindu is conditioned in another way, but they are all conditioned. Their ideas are different, their philosophy is different, their mythology is different, their superstition is different. They have different types of cells in which they live, their prisons are made in different ways, but they are prisons.
Christian, Hindu, Mohammedan, Jaina, Buddhist - all are prisons.
Buddha is not imprisoned, Jesus is not imprisoned, but Jesus is not a Christian. Do you think Jesus was a Christian? He had never heard of the word even! Do you think Buddha was a Buddhist?
These are the other people who become conditioned.
This Pavlov's discovery is of immense value as far as the ordinary, unconscious human being is concerned. And the whole discovery was made by observing dogs! Pavlov had hundreds of dogs; he continuously was experimenting with dogs. But there is not much difference between a dog and an unconscious human being, so whatsoever he has found about dogs is true about human beings.
He is a Behaviorist. He says man has no soul, only behavior, and behavior can be conditioned. You can make a Jaina out of a man, you can make out of the same man a Christian. All that is needed is a little reconditioning, but no question of unconditioning. You have to put another conditioning; you have to replace your old conditioning. You believe in Buddha, you start believing in Jesus, but you remain a believer.
One of his disciples also tried one experiment with a dog, just as the master was doing. The master has proved logically that the behavior can be conditioned. You can make a man moral, immoral; it is only a question of punishment and reward. If you reward some behavior it becomes rooted, because nobody wants to suffer. If you punish the person for a certain behavior it becomes uprooted.
In fact, not only in Russia, all over the world we are doing the same. What are you doing with the criminals? - punishing them in the jails. This is Behaviorism! You are trying to punish them for a certain behavior so that they don't do it again, but the outcome is totally different. When you send a criminal to live in a jail for twelve years he becomes conditioned to living in a jail; he starts, in fact, enjoying it. Rather than taking it as a punishment he starts reconditioning himself; otherwise it will be impossible for him to live for twelve years. Hence the repetition.
Once a person is in jail for a few years he is bound to come back again and again to the jail, because the outside life does not look comfortable to him. In the outside world you have to search for a job, you have to find some employment, you have to earn your bread and butter, and thousands of worries. And a man who has lived for ten or twelve years in a jail has become completely free of all these worries of employment, working, finding jobs, earning money. He lives, he pays no rent for the room, everything is given to him. At the right time he gets his lunch, his supper, his breakfast, his tea. Life is not very comfortable in a jail but, in a way, unworried. Insecurity is not there; there is absolute security. He becomes conditioned to it.
Pavlov was continuously trying experiments. He would give food to a dog and would ring a bell. The dog would eat his food and.the bell would be ringing. After fifteen days he would simply ring the bell and the dog would react as if the ringing of the bell is something like food. His saliva would start flowing, his tongue would start hanging out. Now, ordinarily if you ring a bell no dog will behave like that. What has he to do with a bell? But if you give him food for fifteen days and continuously ring a bell, they become associated.
So this disciple of Pavlov was trying an experiment on his own. He brought a dog from a friend and he tried to condition the dog. He wanted the dog to bark standing on his two legs - only then the food will be given. To teach him the lesson he kept the food in his hand, and the dog had to stand on two legs; and to teach him that he has to bark the man will also bark. After two weeks he waited for the dog to bark, but he didn't bark. In fact, he became so tired: he gave him the food, but the dog didn't eat the food, he rejected the food - unless the man barked again! He became conditioned to that! For fifteen days you bark and give the food, and now suddenly you don't bark. The dog rejected the food. The man HAD to bark! Now this has happened - a new conditioning.
Listening to me, beware. You may start having a new conditioning that you are enlightened.
Just a few days ago I talked about Somendra. Yesterday I received his letter. He says, "Yes, Osho, it has happened to me that now I can be a Master on my own. There is no need of having a Master - although I don't know what enlightenment is. So I dropped the mala.
"But one day, after eight or ten days working in the group, such great energy happened that I wanted to stand up, but I went on falling. Something strange was happening, and suddenly I heard some voice saying 'Put the mala back.'"
He must have become frightened. "What was happening?" He must have become frightened. He does not write about fear, that he could not get up. He was doing some energy work on people in a group and he fell on the floor rested on the floor, tried to get up and could not get up so he asked his assistant. Thrice he heard the voice. That is nothing but his own unconscious, because I have not spoken to him. He thinks he has heard my voice, "Bring the mala back! Put it on again!" It was just out of fear, he must have become frightened of what was happening. It was going beyond his control; he could not control even his own energy. So he asked the assistant, "Find my mala - it is somewhere in the bag." The mala was brought, and then he felt calm and quiet and the energy settled.
But still something of that experience has left a mark on him. Now he is wearing the mala again and saying to people, "I am a sannyasin," talking about me, has forgotten about his being a Master; but he ends the letter - it must be a hangover - "With great gratitude I touch your hand." Not feet - "your hand"! This is a hangover! Now some day he will get into trouble again. Then he will write, "I touch your feet, Osho, I heard the voice."
He says he knows nothing about enlightenment. Then how you can be a Master if you don't know anything about enlightenment? But these ego trips are bound to happen to many people.
Matthias, beware - you can become conditioned. And I am here to uncondition you, not to recondition, remember. My work consists only of unconditioning you and then leaving you alone.
But my work is my work; how you will take it depends on you.
A madman whispers to his friend, "I am going to run away! "
"How?" asks the friend.
"I am going to run through the keyhole!" he replies enthusiastically.
After a few minutes he returns to his room with blood gushing from his forehead.
"What happened?" asks the friend.
"Well," the madman replies sulkily, "the key was still in the lock!
Matthias, nothing has happened yet. When I say you are enlightened, that is MY vision of you, not YOUR understanding. The day it becomes your understanding you will not ask, "What is awareness?" because without awareness it cannot happen at all.
So forget all about your absolute freedom, unconditioned freedom, that you have become totally free, that you are yourself every second without any compromising. This is just bullshit!
The third question
MANY OF YOUR JOKES I DON'T GET. WHAT TO DO?
YOU MUST BE trying too hard to get them. You must be too serious. When I say that I am very serious about my jokes I am joking! You should not listen to me at all! Be alert, be watchful. I am not a man to be relied upon always. There is no need to get the joke - the joke will get you! You simply relax - you simply relax! You are trying to find some significance, some hidden meaning, something esoteric in it. It is simply a joke!
But that's how we have been conditioned for centuries: to take everything seriously. I want to destroy your seriousness. That's why I have to search for all these stupid jokes, just to destroy your seriousness! In fact, it is very troublesome for me. It will be easier for me not to tell you any jokes, but then you will become very very serious. Even telling you these jokes you go on clinging with your seriousness. You are trying to find some meaning.
Life has no meaning. Rejoice! It has no meaning. Dance, sing, enjoy! It has no meaning. You need not be serious. It is a cosmic joke! What is there to get? But the achieving mind is always trying to get something, even out of a joke. Can't you relax at all? Can't you simply listen and laugh? Do you have to understand it and its significance and its esoteric meaning then you will laugh? By that time the joke is finished - you have missed the point.
The point is simply to relax; but you will be very serious about it, you must be.
I have heard... Jesus, I have lost it again! I have not heard anything, not a word! Do you see? Even without a joke people are getting it! So if you want to get it you get it, joke or no joke! I have not heard. I have not told you, and you have got it!
It is a question of relaxing!
The fourth question
OSHO, WILL I ONLY RECOGNIZE YOU WHEN I AM ENLIGHTENED?
RECOGNITION IS POSSIBLE even before enlightenment, but it will remain vague; it will remain hidden behind a mist. Just as in the early morning, a winter morning, you can see that somebody is coming, but who he is you cannot exactly say. Something you can figure out, that a man is coming or a woman, but the mist is thick and it is difficult to figure out who the person is exactly.
This type of recognition is possible; without it there will be no possibility of a Master and a disciple.
How does one become a disciple? A vague recognition, a fragrance that has touched you, a love that has moved your heart, something of the beyond. It is a feeling, it is not knowing. You cannot be absolutely certain about it; it is mysterious.
As you become more and more meditative you will become more and more clear about it. It is a faraway call of the cuckoo - yes, exactly the call of a cuckoo - a distant call. You hear it and it is no more there, but it lingers around you, it hangs around you for a while, as if in a dream. But this much as possible, and only this much is possible. If you ask more than that, in a state of unenlightenment, then you are asking for the impossible.
You cannot be absolutely certain who I am unless you know who you are. But the moment you are absolutely certain, you don't need me. You need me only because you are not absolutely certain.
But something in you is triggered, something in you starts growing.
When the first leaves come out of a seed above the earth you cannot be certain what kind of flowers will follow, but you can be certain that something has started growing, something is on the way.
That's the state of the disciple: he can feel in himself something has started. It is like when the child in the mother's womb is six weeks, eight weeks old, and she starts one day feeling the new life. She cannot be certain whether it is a boy or a girl, who is going to be born - an Albert Einstein, a Gautam Buddha - what is going to be his potential or her potential, whether the child will be beautiful or ugly, whether the child will be born alive or dead; even of that she cannot be certain. But she starts feeling the presence of a new life in her, and not only that, she starts feeling certain things that the new life starts triggering in her.
Sometimes a mother becomes sad for no reason at all and she wonders why she is sad. The reason is, the new life inside is sad and that affects, that creates a shadow, and the mother is bound to be affected by that shadow. Sometimes she becomes cheerful without any reason; the new life within her womb is in a cheerful mood. But she is not capable of making a distinction what is what, what belongs to her and what belongs to the new life.
That's the state of the disciple. The disciple is exactly in the womb of the Master. Many times you suddenly feel a tremendous wave of energy arising in you. You don't know from where it comes - from you, from the Master, from the field, from the other fellow-travelers - from where it comes you are not absolutely certain, but it is coming. Sometimes a wave of joy and sometimes a wave of sadness. Sometimes you feel very calm and quiet and sometimes very excited and ecstatic. And you become aware about one thing certainly: that you are not alone, that things which don't belong to you have started penetrating you. The beyond has started communicating with you. But it is all vague - it is bound to be so.
Hence the need of trust. Otherwise, there will be no need to trust. Trust is needed because in this vague state, if you cannot trust you cannot move ahead. If you doubt, you will shrink back. Doubt disconnects, trust connects. If you can trust, the mist will disappear, the sun will start shining. You will come closer to the Master; if you doubt you will create a distance. Doubt creates distance, trust destroys distance.
Ketan, but if you mean by recognition absolute knowing, then it can happen only when you are enlightened.
That's why even a man like Sariputra, Mahakashyapa or Moghalan, the great disciples of Buddha, when they became enlightened still remained disciples. Again and again they had been asked, "Now you are enlightened - why are you yet a disciple? You are a Master on your own!"
This is a strange thing that happens: the ego wants to be a Master as quickly as possible; the ego wants to be on its own. It hurts to be a disciple.
Just a few days ago one sannyasin wrote to me, "I am going to the West. How to behave there?
- because I cannot say to anybody that you are my Master, that I am somebody's disciple. That I cannot say."
Why can't he say that he is a disciple if he is a disciple? And if you cannot even say to others that you have a Master and you are a disciple, then forget all about it. You are not a disciple, you don't have a Master! Either you have or you don't have. Forget all about sannyas!
Now he is asking me to be allowed to remain hidden from the public, he should be allowed to hide his mala, he should be allowed to wear other clothes so he is not in an embarrassing situation where people ask, "What has happened to you?" Then forget all about sannyas!
Here being a sannyasin is easy, in fact it can be very ego-fulfilling because thousands of sannyasins are here. In fact, not to be a sannyasin here is VERY difficult. You feel awkward; you feel out of tune, out of step. You feel a stranger, an outsider. So even those who are non-sannyasins here, they wear orange just at least to feel a part, so they don't feel like strangers, so they can participate more easily.
The real difficulty is when you are in Berlin or London or Tokyo or New York, where people will ask, "What has happened to you?" And if you cannot accept your disciplehood there, you have not accepted it here either. YOU were just deceiving yourself.
A disciple rejoices in being a disciple, rejoices that he has found a Master. But the ego wants to be quickly a Master, as quickly as possible so that you are finished with being a disciple. Just the paradox of it.
Manjushri, Sariputra, Moghalan, Mahakashyapa became enlightened and remained disciples, still touching the feet of Buddha - not touching his hand!
And people asked them... even Buddha has asked Manjushri, "Why do you touch my feet? There is no need. Now you are as much a Buddha as I am! You are absolutely free."
And tears came to Manjushri's eyes. He said, "Never say again to me, 'You are free.' Now is the point when I can really bow down to you, because now I can recognize you absolutely. In those dreamy days I had only a vague sense; the doubt was also lingering somewhere in the unconscious: 'Maybe he is enlightened, maybe he is not. Maybe I am just projecting. Maybe it is only my desire to find an enlightened Master that has created the whole illusion. Maybe I am living out my dream. Because my need to depend is so much I may have projected the whole thing on this person. He may not really be enlightened.' It remains because the vagueness is there, so it remains somewhere lingering around on the periphery."
Manjushri said, "Those days I have touched your feet, but it was not total. I had touched your feet, I had tried in every possible way to trust you, but there was effort involved. Now has come the moment I can really bow down to you and touch your feet with absolute knowing that you are the one that I have been seeking for many many lives.
"And my enlightenment is nothing to brag about. I am grateful to you - it has happened through you.
Although you go on saying that you have nothing to do with it, I know it has happened through you.
You may not be the cause of it, but you triggered the process; your presence triggered the process."
This is what Karl Gustav Jung calls synchronicity. The Master is not the CAUSE of your enlightenment because the cause cannot be outside. Enlightenment cannot be caused from the outside, otherwise it will be something caused by the outside. If it is caused by the outside, then it can be taken away also from the outside, it can be destroyed by the outside. If the Master wants one day to make you unenlightened again he can make you unenlightened! If the cause is in his hands, then the process can be reversed.
But no Master can do that. Even if the Master wants to do it, it is impossible. It cannot be done because the Master is not the CAUSE of your enlightenment. He is only what Jung calls a catalytic agent. Yes, it has happened in his presence, but his presence was only a catalytic agent - not a cause but a synchronicity. You saw the Master and something started growing in you, something clicked. But it happened inside you; the outer Master was just a mirror. You saw your original face in the mirror. The mirror has not caused the original face; the original face was ALWAYS there inside you. The mirror has only made you aware of it. But without the mirror you may not have become aware for millions of years or millions of lives still.
Hence Manjushri says, "Now I can bow down, I can touch your feet in totality. You may go on saying, 'Don't touch my feet, there is no need,' but as far as I am concerned I am going to touch your feet.
I am going to worship you, because in those days my worship was not total. Now the moment has come when I know you are the one I have been seeking and searching for, and through you I have also become the one that I have been trying to become and was not able to become because there was nobody to reflect my original face."
Prem Ketan, right now you cannot recognize in that sense. You will have to become enlightened.
To know a Buddha one has to become a Buddha, to know a Christ one has to become a Christ.
Knowing will happen only in the end, but feeling can happen. Feeling is the beginning. Remember, I am not saying knowledge, I am saying knowing. Knowledge is of the mind, feeling is of the heart, knowing is of the being. Feeling is closer to knowing; it is half-way between knowledge and knowing.
You drop out of knowledge, you enter into the world of feeling.
This is the beginning of disciplehood. Then one day you drop out of feeling and you enter the world of being. You become enlightened. That is the end of the disciplehood, in a sense, and the beginning of a real disciplehood, in another sense. The old disciplehood disappears; now you are no more dependent. And remember, only the dependent person wants to be independent. One who is independent, why should he hanker to be independent? Only the person who is not free wants to be free. One who is free, why should he want to be free?
I can understand Manjushri's standpoint, that "There is no need to touch your feet, there is no need to be a disciple." Buddha is right, and Manjushri is also right. He said, "There is no need to cling, but there is no need either to drop out of this love affair now that it has blossomed, now that I have come to the highest peak. There is no need because I am free, so there is no NEED to be free. I know I am freedom, hence all hankering for freedom has disappeared."
In your state of mind it is bound to be either knowledge - then you are not a disciple, you can at the most be a student - or a feeling: then you are a disciple. When you become enlightened you become a devotee; the Master is no more needed.
The Master says, "If you meet me on the way, kill me," but you cannot kill - there s no need! You can kiss, you cannot kill. From Buddha's side it is perfectly okay. He says, "If you meet me on the way, kill me."
But one of my sannyasins wrote to me, "Osho, I cannot kill you. When I will meet you on the way I am going to kiss you! " I can understand her standpoint also - that's perfectly right. But in killing the same happens as in kissing. Why does Buddha say, "Kill me"? - so that there is not any more duality. The same can happen through kissing: there is no more duality, you become one. That's what is needed: either kill or kiss!
In your state, Prem Ketan, it seems you are still living in the world of knowledge, otherwise this question would not have arisen. YOU are still a student, not a disciple.
A homosexual was walking down the street with his dog. A little kid started teasing him, "Homo, homo!"
The gay stopped and politely asked the little boy not to say such things. But the boy persisted, "Homo! Homo!"
"Look, kid, I am warning you, don't say that!"
"Homo, homo!" came the reply.
"Hey, kid, one more time and I will put my dog onto you! "
"Okay, Rex, go get him!"
The dog stood up, and in a soft, furry voice said, "Woo-oof!"
Now the homo's dog is bound to be a homo! Is this a way to call "woof" - so politely, so lovingly?
One sannyasin, to our dentist, Devageet: "I don't know what is worse, having a baby or getting a tooth pulled. "
Devageet: "Make up your mind, ma, I've got to know which way to tilt the chair!"
Complaining of the distance between campus buildings, Velma, the veterinarian's daughter, wrote home for money to buy a bicycle. But by the time the money arrived she had changed her mind and bought a monkey instead.
After a few weeks the animal began losing its hair. Hoping her father might know a cure, Velma wrote, "All the hair is falling off my monkey. What shall I do?"
Her father sent this telegram: "Sell the bicycle!"
After a really wild night in a hostel party the young Jordanhill lad was hauled off to Mass. He was ignorant of the various rituals involved and his girl seemed constantly to be whispering, "Bless yourself - kneel - sit down - stand up - sit."
Perspiring from all this activity, he took out a hanky from his pocket to mop his brow. He then laid it on his lap to dry. Seeing this his girl leaned over and whispered, "Is your fly open?"
"No," he replied testily, "should it be?"
Sheik Abdullah was looking for a few girls for his teenage son's harem. He asked a neighboring sheik, "Do you have any extra brides you would like to sell?"
"Yes," said the neighbor, "I have got a few lying around loose."
The son nudged his old man. "Try to get some tight ones," he whispered. "Yours are all loose - loose as camels! "
Your understanding, your knowledge, your mind, cannot recognize, but your feeling, your love - not your logic - can have a vague sense. It can smell, it can taste something of the divine. It can have an encounter with a faraway distant call. But it is going to be a faraway, distant call. If you move in the direction from where the call has come you may arrive to the third plane of your being where knowing happens, when you are also in the same space as I am. Then it explodes totally. Then you know it. It is no more knowledge; it is your experience. You see it, and seeing is transforming, knowing is transforming.
Move from being a student towards being a disciple, and then go on moving. CHARAIVETI CHARAIVETI. Go on moving towards being a devotee.
And what I am you can be. I am simply your future. What has happened to me can happen to you.
That day will come the total and absolute, unconditional, irrevocable recognition. Before that it is not possible.
The last question
OSHO, ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU GET THE JOKES THAT YOU ARE TELLING US?
I'M NOT as thrunk as you dink!