Darshan 12 April 1977

[A sannyasin says: I have a very beautiful relationship... I don't know what to say!]

That's very good! Don't destroy it, that's all, because beautiful things are destroyed so easily.

The more beautiful, the more dangerous, because they can be destroyed more easily. The more beautiful, the more delicate - so handle with care! Otherwise almost always it happens that people destroy beautiful things, and they do it so unknowingly that they don't even feel responsible for it.

Love is always beautiful in the beginning because you don't bring your destructive energies into it. In the beginning you bring your positive energies into it - both pool their energies positively, the thing goes simply fantastically. But then by and by the negative energies will start overflowing; you cannot hold them back forever. And once you have finished with your positive energy, which is very small...

and the negative is very big, mm? The positive is just a small quantity, so within days the honeymoon is over and then comes the negative. Then hell opens its doors and one cannot understand what has happened - such a beautiful relationship, why is it on the rocks?

If one is alert from the very beginning, it can be saved. So pour your positive energies into it, but remember that sooner or later the negative will start coming in. When the negative starts coming in you have to release the negative alone. Go into a room, release the negative; there is no need to throw it on the other person.

If you want to scream and shout and be angry, go into a room, shout, be angry, beat the pillow.

Because nobody should be so violent as to throw things on other people. They have not done anything wrong to you, so why should you throw things on them? It is better to throw all that is negative into the dustbin.

If you remain alert, you will be surprised to see that it can be done; and once the negative is released, again the positive is overflowing.

The negative can be released together only very late in a relationship - when the relationship has become very established - and then too it should be done as a therapeutic measure. When the two partners of a relationship have become very very alert, very positive, have become consolidated as one being and are able now to tolerate - and not only tolerate but use the other's negativity - they have to come to an agreement that now they will be negative together also, as a therapeutic measure.

Then too my suggestion is to let it be very conscious, not unconscious; let it be very deliberate.

Make it point that every night for one hour you will be negative with each other - let it be a game - rather than being negative anywhere, any time. Because people are not so alert - for twenty-four hours they are not alert - but for one hour you can both sit together and be negative. And then it will be a game, it will be like a group. After one hour you are finished with it and you don't carry the hangover, you don't bring it into your relationship.

The first step: the negative should be released alone. The second step: the negative should be released at a particular time with the agreement that you are both going to release the negative. At the third stage only should one become natural, and then there is no need to be afraid. Then you can be negative and positive and both are beautiful - but only at the third stage.

If in the first stage you start feeling that now anger comes no more - you sit before the pillow, anger does not come. It will come for months, but one day you will find that it is no more flowing, it has become meaningless, you cannot be angry alone. Then the first stage is over. But wait for the other person also to feel whether his first stage is over or not. If his is also over, the second stage starts.

Then for one or two hours - whether morning or evening, you can decide - you become negative, deliberately. It is a psychodrama, it is very impersonal.

You don't hit hard - you hit, but still you don't hit the person. In fact you are simply throwing out your negativity. You are not accusing the other, you are not saying 'You are bad'; you are simply saying 'I am feeling that you are bad.' You are not saying 'You insulted me,' you say 'I feel insulted ' That is totally different, it is a deliberate game 'I am feeling insulted, so I will throw out my anger. You are closest to me so please function as an excuse for me'... and the same is done by the other.

A moment will come when again you will find that this deliberate negativity does not function any more. You sit for one hour: nothing comes to you, nothing comes to him. Then that second stage is over.

Now the third stage - and the third stage is the whole of life. Now you are ready to be negative and positive; you can be spontaneous.

This is how love becomes a marriage.

[She answers: I feel we are right now in this third stage. I feel I can be negative with him right now.]

If you feel that, do it, mm? Then after three weeks, report to me. Every lover feels that; that's the whole misery of it. Every lover feels that they are settled, that the third stage has come, that this is going to be forever. Then try it! Perfectly good - with my blessings, try, mm? But this is the foolishness of every lover. This has nothing to do with you; it is the euphoria that love creates.

Just today I was reading about a man....

He went to the doctor, his wife was pregnant, and this was his thirteenth child. So the doctor said, 'It is a little too much now. And you are so poor, you are unemployed. Your wife is dying because of these pregnancies every year. She has almost become old in middle age. You cannot support these children, you cannot educate these children - you don't have even a shelter! So why can't you stop?

You cannot support them! Next time when you start making love to your wife, think again! Use birth control measures - remember that you cannot support them!'

The man said, 'When I feel like loving my wife, I also feel that I can support the whole of india!'

And he is right! Those moments are mad moments. Each lover feels that this is something which is going to be eternal, this is something which has not happened to anybody else, and this is going to be there always and always. Each lover feels this, and that's how each lover destroys it. It is not going to be so - it is never so.

This is a common hypnotic state. So if you want, you can try it, mm?