[A sannyasin newly returned says: I'm pretty shaky but I feel good.]
One is shaky if one is feeling good! People don't feel so shaky when they are not feeling good.
People are acquainted with that state of not feeling good. They are perfectly familiar with it; they are not shaky. When you really feel good you feel shaky. Feeling shaky means that you cannot settle with your past. Something new is happening or is going to happen and one feels expectant and that creates shakiness. It is good. Don't settle with the past again... because we have to uproot ourselves continuously to go into the future. Movement has to be kept alive. Nobody should ever settle - for anything - because the day you settle, you die. Remain shaky and remain uprooted.
Every day one has to seek new soil, new lands, a new being. And the journey is continuous. It is eternal. There is no goal to it - the journey itself is its own goal. So become more and more in love with the shakiness. If you become more and more in love with the shakiness, many more things will happen to it. If you become afraid of it and you start holding yourself and controlling yourself, that which is going to happen will be stopped.
[A sannyasin, returned from a visit to the West, says it was so difficult for him to readjust there he was unsure whether to come here again.]
It happens many times in life. When your consciousness starts changing you cannot remain in the old pattern any more; you have to change it. In fact, if you watch life carefully you will see it happening many times but it happens so silently that you don't become aware.
For example, below the age of fourteen you had a few friends. After fourteen those friendships disappeared. Something happened to you: you became sexually mature. Those friendships started looking childish; they became irrelevant.
If you are doing a certain thing and something happens in your consciousness, now you cannot do it the old way. You have changed so you have to readjust everything. That's why many people have decided against growth, because growth brings problems. If you grow, then each time you have to change many things. Something looks very very valuable at this moment and you go a little deeper into meditation and it no more looks valuable. So change. That becomes a little inconvenient for people... and inconvenience is very very deep in many dimensions.
For example, you love a woman and your consciousness changes. Suddenly you see that that woman is there, you still like her, you still feel for her but that romance has disappeared. You are in love with a certain kind of work and then you change. That work simply seems no more relevant, no more valid for you.
People have decided to remain at a fixed state of consciousness so that they need not change every day. They have become stagnant. If they remain flowing then every day: new shores and new trees and new people and new towns and new mountains and new valleys. The river will have to come to new things every day.
People have decided to remain static out of a desire for convenience. Psychoanalysts say that usually the mental age of people never goes beyond thirteen, fourteen; that is where they have stopped. They have decided that now this is the last. Now they are going to remain with it. This is their work, this is their hobby, this is their liking, this is their love, these are their friends. Now they have settled their world and they are not going to change it. The only way not to change is to stop your growth.
A growing person has to live in inconvenience, insecurity. And my whole approach is that growth is life. Life is dangerous. Death is very convenient, very comfortable. To be in a grave is the last in luxury. You cannot improve upon it; whatsoever you do will be something less than that. So many people live in the grave.
I will suggest only one thing - to never cling to the past, whatsoever the cost. Always remain open to the future because only the future is going to come. The past is not going to come. You will not meet it again; you will never come across it again. It is finished and finished for good.
So loosen your grip on the past, and whatsoever happens, trust life. And if you feel that you are no more enjoying your job then change it! Nothing to be worried about. If you feel that you are no more enjoying the west then come to the east. Nothing is a problem.
One should not cling to safeties, and then you will go on growing. To the very last moment of death one can go on growing.
If a person dies at seventy, then his mental age should be seventy - that is my idea - not less than that, because if something is less than that then that man has not lived totally. This is the minimum - the maximum can be more. A person of seventy can have the mental age of two hundred years or three hundred years, because if the man of seventy can have the age of ten years, why not two hundred years? - both are possible.
Live intensely and live dangerously. Live to the very last moment of your life and allow whatsoever happens. Yes, sometimes there will be pain and there will be many times agony, anguish, but those
are part of life; they cannot be avoided. If one wants to be ecstatic one has to go through many agonies. If you want to be in an inner state of bliss you will have to go through many pains. They prepare, they cleanse you.
So whatsoever you feel, go with your feeling and always listen to the heart. Whenever you want to decide something, don't decide only by the mind; decide by the heart. If you still feel that things are going perfectly well, continue; there is no hurry. But if you have started feeling that something is amiss and you are no more in tune with it, then what is the point?
We don't live for anything else - everything else is for our life. If somebody paints and loves it, good. If one day he finds that it is finished - he cannot paint anymore or no more loves it - he can continue, he can go on dragging, but the love has disappeared. He should drop it! There is no need to carry on in it. He won't be creating any big painting any more. And it is possible that one day he may come back to the painting. After twenty years he has completely forgotten about it and again it starts coming up. Then again he can go into it and there will be great joy. And after twenty years forgetfulness something more original will come out of it. He will be no more a technician; it will be more original. He has forgotten all that he knew - it will be no more out of his knowledge. It will not be anymore out of his expertise; it will be simply from his heart. And of course, all that he has known has become part of his bones and blood and marrow so it is there but no more visible; it is an invisible force. But always listen to the heart and go with it. Sacrifice anything that is needed. At the altar of the heart, sacrifice everything. If you feel like coming here, come here. This is your home!
And if you want to continue in your work, continue... but listen to your heart. I am not saying to do this or do that. What you do is not the point, but do whatsoever you do with joy and celebration.
[Another sannyasin said that she found her visit to the West difficult.]
Very good! I will make it more and more difficult so that finally you decide to be here forever. That's the conspiracy! Would you like to do a few groups? This time you do some, mm? And leave it to me - I will do a good job of making things difficult for you!
[A sannyasin reminds Osho that he wrote to him recently about smoking hash. Recently while smoking he felt in contact with his own inner master.... He has given it up several times, but then returned to it. He feels this is only the tip of the iceberg.]
One thing, and the very basic: try to live a life without any decisions for the future. Live in the moment. To live with a decision is to live a wrong life. To live with a decision means to live always through the past.
For example, today you decide something - that tomorrow you will not smoke - but by tomorrow, today would have become past, dead. And tomorrow, if you follow the decision of today, you will be forcing death over life. And if you feel like smoking tomorrow, then how can the dead win against the live? That is not possible.
If you make it win then by and by you will become dull and dead. If you don't help it to win you will feel guilty that you had decided and you should have followed your decision. So either way you are a loser.
The best way to live is to live without any decisions. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
If you have understood that it is meaningless then don't smoke today, that's all. Tomorrow when it comes, if the understanding is still there - and I don't see why it should not be there...
If it is not there there is no need to drop smoking even today. Because you cannot do anything against your understanding. You can try but you will fail. Only understanding succeeds. If today you feel that it is meaningless, if it is your understanding this moment - and I am not saying total understanding, absolute understanding - if this moment you feel that this is your understanding - you don't feel like smoking - don't smoke.
[The sannyasin says: I am so much like a victim of this thing that it has become bigger than myself.]
Nobody is a victim. Even to remain a victim is your decision. You are the master; it is your responsibility. Nobody is a victim. And you are not losing anything, because do you think that those who are not smoking are gaining anything?...
They are not gaining so you are not losing. They are fooling around in their way; you are fooling around in your way....
I am not saying not to do it - I am simply saying: whatsoever feels good in this moment, let it happen and don't be very judgemental. By and by, moving from one game to another, from one foolishness to another foolishness, one becomes wise. There is no other way to become wise. Wisdom is not like instant coffee. It comes very slowly, it grows very slowly. It is like a cedar of lebanon, a very slow-growing tree. It is not a seasonal flower, and one has to do a thousand and one foolishnesses before a small drop of wisdom accumulates.
One has to sin much before one becomes a saint. A thousand and one sins create a small drop of sainthood. There is no other way. If you want wisdom instantly you will remain mediocre, you will never become wise. You may not do foolish things but you will remain mediocre.
I am just saying one thing - to live the moment and live through your understanding in that moment.
Maybe tomorrow you will think that it was foolish, but that is tomorrow saying about something that is no more there. You have grown, so retrospectively you can call it foolish but that is not right. At that moment when you were doing it that was your understanding and it was perfectly right.
If you understand me, what I am saying is that whatsoever you are doing in the moment, if you are doing it with no judgement you are always right. Maybe later on you come to feel that it was wrong but that is a standpoint that comes later on. What can you do about it? You could not have brought it in that moment when the thing was happening. After three years you will become a little wise and things will look more foolish, after six years a little more wise and things will look more foolish.
But you cannot feel guilty for them because from where could you have brought this wisdom? This wisdom has come only after three years. And in fact, this wisdom could not have come if you had not committed those foolishnesses.
It has come through them!
[The sannyasin asks: You mean, I'm really asking, 'Osho, give me blessings to smoke my chillum?']
No, no, I am not saying anything about your chillum and your smoking. I am simply saying that whatsoever you are doing, do according to your understanding of the moment, without any judgement. Smoking or not smoking is not relevant....
You look at it. You don't decide for your whole life - you cannot, nobody can. Tomorrow will come and bring its own vision, insight, understanding, and you will live tomorrow according to them, not according to things you decide today. And today, don't follow what you have decided yesterday because it is no more meaningful! It was yesterday's understanding and the day has changed. It is no more friday; it is saturday.
Up to friday you had a certain understanding. You have grown twenty-four hours more, you have lived in life twenty-four hours more. You have to make place for this twenty-four hours of life. How can that decision remain valid ? These twenty-four hours will bring a great change.
So never live according to yesterdays and never think about tomorrow. Today is enough. That's what jesus means when he says, 'Look at the lilies of the field. They think not of the morrow'... And there is beauty!
I am neither for anything nor against anything. What you do is not the problem....
That is what is right for you in this moment. Tomorrow maybe movement comes and you move.
What can be done? I cannot push you! If I push you will become angry. If I give you a decision you will never be able to forgive me. Then you will be in a bondage. I don't want to put you into a prison.
You are a free man - be free! And yes, you will commit many errors and mistakes but that is the way how one learns.
And there is no hurry either! You will become a buddha one day but not so soon! Good!
[A sannyasin says a lot of fears have been coming up, connected with anyone telling her that they love me, or if she feels that someone loves me. It just fills her with terror and hatred and revenge.
Osho checks her energy.]
So spread the rumour all around! Whosoever comes to see you, they just have to say 'I love you!'
It will go and you will start enjoying it. It is such a beautiful thing.
You have always waited for somebody to come and love you and say, 'I love you.' It has not really happened so you have become very sour about it, that's all. It is really your desire! But you have waited so long and nobody has turned up. That's what has happened. You wanted that people should love you but now you want to show them, 'I don't care'; not only that, 'I hate it when you say I love you.' You have waited so long and you have become bitter about it. But that is foolish - foolish...
because love is the only reality, and only through love does one live and can one live; there is no other life. So you have to drop your attitude. Your attitude is just a kind of revenge.
It is just like a small child who is hungry and is searching for the mother and crying, 'I am hungry. I am feeling very hungry.' Nobody comes and nobody listens. He is feeling so hungry that he starts consoling himself saying 'I am not hungry. Who says that I am hungry?'
He wipes away his tears. When the mother comes and she says, 'Are you hungry?' He says, 'NO!'
But his no is not true. What he is saying is 'Enough is enough! I have asked so long that I feel humiliated even to say that I am hungry. I will deny the desire because there is nobody to listen. I have been knocking and knocking and nobody has answered, so I will deny that I have even ever knocked. I will deny that I desire any love, that I need any love.' That's what has happened... but you will have to unlearn this habit. Now love is going to happen. We are creating a love commune, so people will be loving and people will be loving to each other. Everybody will be a loving member of this family. It is not going to be a monogamous game; it is going to be a loving commune. You will have as much love as you can absorb - more than that. So prepare, get ready for it. Don't start resisting. So... tell everybody that whosoever sees [her], that has to be the greeting for her - 'I love you!' Let her go through her pain....
[A sannyasin says she has always been afraid of the dark, of ghosts and spooks who want to kill her. Osho checks her energy.]
It is there - the fear of darkness is there, and out of that fear of darkness you have imagined all other fears. They are secondary; the ghosts and spooks and others are secondary. In the first place they don't exist at all; they are just imagination.
Mm mm, but you could not help it because you are so much afraid of darkness... and darkness exists! Out of the fear of darkness you have created all kinds of fear. But it is one of the very deep- rooted human fears - the fear of darkness, the fear of night. It is associated with the fear of death, because death is dark.
The fear is there, deep-rooted in humanity. It has a long history; it is almost fifty thousand years old.
When man used to live in the caves it was a reality to be afraid of the darkness because night was the most dangerous thing. Fire w as not yet invented. In the day everything was okay. Man was capable of protecting himself from the animals, wild animals, enemies. In the night it was very very difficult to protect himself. People used to die in the night because the animals would come and drag them out of their caves. You have to fall asleep, and in sleep you become unprotected.
So the fear became very very deep. For millions of years the collective unconscious has gathered the fear of darkness. That's why death looks dark, because death used to happen in the dark. That's why many people are afraid even of falling into sleep, that's why many people suffer from insomnia.
They don't want really to go into sleep. They are afraid, because who knows what will happen?
Sleep is dark and you are unprotected.
It is a primitive kind of fear, now absolutely meaningless. Now you are not living in caves! Now wild animals don't exist. But the fear is in the collective unconscious. It is there, and somehow it has floated into your consciousness too. In childhood you must have had some experience, some accidental experience.
Maybe in the night you awoke, and there was lightning, thunder. You were alone in the room and you got very much afraid that something was going to happen. You may not remember it but something associated with the night has happened to you and that has provoked the fear from the unconscious.
But it can be undone; nothing to be worried about. It is not a neurosis or anything - just a primitive fear which everybody carries. You have just come in contact with it and others are not in contact with it; that is the difference. But it will go.
My feeling is that after encounter you should remind mc, mm? - encounter is going to help. And after encounter you will be doing tantra? (she nods) That's perfectly good, mm? So after encounter you remind me. It is going to go, because it is absolutely meaningless. And you understand it, but understanding won't help. You will have to go deep into your fear, see the root of it and uproot it from there. Encounter will do it, and then immediately doing tantra... Tantra is a love group - you move into love.
First uproot the fear and then move into love. The energy that is involved in fear has to be released in love. Once you have started flowing in love, no fear. In fact lovers love the dark night so much. Only lovers know the beauty of the dark, because it is so soothing, such a relaxation, and in darkness you can easily become one with your lover. In light you are separate. Light separates, divides, because light makes clear the definition, the boundary. In darkness two persons can enter into each other and dissolve. The darkness is beautiful.
And if you cannot love darkness you will miss many beauties in life. You will miss the beauty of love, you will miss the beauty of sleep, and finally you will miss the beauty of death. And these are great things; one should not miss them.
But the problem I have understood - you need not worry. Just go on doing a few groups and after encounter you remind me.
If it has not gone, then I will do something, mm? Good!