Darshan 18 March 1978
[Osho gives someone sannyas.]
Come here! Close your eyes, and just feel me. Feel surrounded by my energy, and open all the doors, all the windows. If your breathing wants to change, allow it to, because with the change of feeling, the breathing changes, and unless the breathing changes, the feeling can't change. So simply allow the change if any comes. And if your body starts swaying, trembling, allow it, simply leave all control.
Satdeepa. Sat means being, and deepa means light - the light of being. There are three lights possible in man. One light comes through concentrated thinking. Concentration functions as fuel, so a man who can think concentratedly has a certain light, but it is only on the periphery, because the mind consists of the outermost periphery. You can still see the intelligence, the sharpness, the light, but it is only on the boundary and only skin-deep. It is good as far as the outer life is concerned, but for the inner life it is not enough. It is just a very small candle. It can help you in the world but it cannot help you withinwards. There darkness is far more deep; this small light can't function there.
Then there is another light that comes out of feeling, that happens in the heart through prayer, through love. That is deeper than the first. It goes a long way but not yet to the ultimate; it falters somewhere in the middle. It creates the poets, the artists; and they do have a certain kind of luminosity.
The third light consists of being - neither of thought nor of feeling, just of pure existence. That comes out of meditation: just by being utterly silent with no thought to interfere, with no feeling to create any ripples, no concentration, no prayer. That simple isness, just sitting and doing nothing - that is the meaning of the word 'zazen': just sitting and doing nothing.
These are the two doings, thinking and feeling. When all doing has disappeared, the doer also disappears because the doer can exist only through the doing, just as the dancer is a dancer only when he is dancing. When he is not dancing he may be a father, a brother, a husband, but he is not a dancer; he is a dancer only when he is in dance. Dance creates the dancer; doing creates the doer; thinking creates ego. Feeling creates humbleness, but that is the ego just standing upside-down.
With thinking and feeling gone, the ego simply is not found. One is and yet one cannot utter the word 'I'.
Then a light arises in one's being. That light is the ultimate light; it is called satdeepa. So meditation has to be your path.
[A sannyasin, returning to the west, says: I've been here four months and it seems that I have gone through a lot of pain and despair. I'm just wondering if it is going to keep on this way.]
No. This is how things are dropped: one has to go through the pain. If one goes to the very end of it, it disappears; if it is not repressed, it disappears. And you have been going into it perfectly well.
You have not been repressing it, you have not been afraid of it; you have dared to go into it. That is the way one finishes it. No, it will not continue; soon you will come out of it. You will come out of it totally fresh and new as you have never been, because all that pain was always there inside you, that despair was inside; you were hiding it from the world. This time you gathered courage and you exposed yourself. Through exposure things disappear.
Never hide and never hold things; otherwise they cling, they poison your being. Always bring them to light, remain open, vulnerable and you will always be happy, tremendously happy. You have earned it; the happiness will be coming any day. It may start on the twenty-first (Enlightenment Day) and then it will grow. You have earned it!
[At a previous darshan, Osho had suggested to a woman who is gay that she try moving into heterosexuality. Tonight she says it has been a nightmare... just too complicated to explain.]
You can write a long letter, mm? and make it as complicated as possible! It is really simple, it is not complicated.
When something is complicated it is very easy to express it. When something is utterly simple, then there is a real problem in trying to express it. The utterly simple is unexpressible. The complex is never unexpressible, the complex can always be expressed.
The very complexity shows that it belongs to the heart. The heart is beyond words and beyond language, and that is the trouble. If it is a complicated thing write a complicated... letter; make it as complicated and as big as possible. Just pour your whole nightmarish mind into it; it may be good....
You can say if you want to right now - I am available.
[She says: It s this whole nightmare for me about men and women. I feel that where I'm vulnerable and where the polarity is and where all my feelings are, is with women.]
[Today we have to finally decide about it, Osho says, and gives her a 'come close darshan']
You forget about men. You are naturally a lesbian and it will be impossible for you to become heterosexual. Simply accept it and go into it. Drop the whole idea of men; your energy will not fit with them. You have been trying hard, that's why it is creating a nightmare. Simply relax with yourself and never again raise the question, never again think about it.
There are very few people who are naturally homosexual, but you are. I knew that you were a natural lesbian, but I was trying to see if you could come out of it; it will not be possible. And there is no need - if it is natural then there is no need. Only those who have fallen somehow and adopted it as a habit can come out of it. It is not a habit to you. It is not second nature, it is your nature. So simply accept it and forget all about men. Just drop the whole idea and the whole nightmare will disappear.
And be absolutely happy as things are, as you are. Even if sometimes I say something - because I am speaking to so many people, mm? - you need not worry. If sometimes I am saying something against homosexuality, remember: you are excluded! Or do I have to remind you again and again that [you are] excluded?
Just take it as understood - that Chandan is excluded. And when more natural homosexuals come, I will make a club of you. Just wait! A few natural ones will be coming. There are at least ten percent of people who can be natural homosexuals. It is not a big majority, but still a large number. Ten percent means that out of ten people one is a natural homosexual.
So soon you will have your own world here too. But from this moment I take away your nightmare - it is finished. Good?
[A sannyasin who is leaving is weeping.]
Think of coming back and then you will not cry. Always think of coming back; then there is no problem!... It will happen soon; nothing to worry about, don't be sad about it, mm?
[She says: I feel as if I'm only just starting to be receptive to you and so I don't know how I'll feel in England when I'm so far away.]
I will be there, mm? If sometimes I simply come in the night, in the middle of the night, don't be afraid and don't start shrieking and screaming... don't freak out! Can I come?...
Don't be afraid. I will follow you....
You will be coming back, certainly. And meanwhile I will keep track of you. The whole night that is my work: to keep track of my sannyasins wherever they are... just eavesdropping, mm?
Keep this (a box) with you. And whenever you need me just put it on your heart and continue to meditate.