Anand means blissful, narangu means the orange colour - blissful orange (a wave of appreciative laughter). And orange is a very significant metaphor. It means many things, but the most fundamental is that red is the colour of life, yellow is the colour of death, and orange is just in the middle of both.
Red represents life because it represents blood, and yellow represents death because it represents a dying yellow leaf. And orange is the synthesis of both: it is yellow and red both, it is exactly in the middle. We can say it the other way also, that yellow is one extreme of orange and red is another extreme of orange. Orange is like a bird, and yellow and red are two wings of it. Orange represents synthesis, the greatest synthesis, because there can't be any greater synthesis than the synthesis between life and death.
Orange also represents love. These are the three things most important: life, death and love. Life starts in birth, it is the beginning, and death is the end; between the two is love. Love is the inner phenomenon that has to happen. Just by being born one is not necessarily capable of love. One may live and die and may never come. to know what love is. To be orange means to be a lover, and such a lover who can love death too. Love for life is very natural, love for death is supernatural. But love is capable of doing that miracle.
[A sannyasin asks about her marriage of twenty-eight years, because she has no sexual feeling for her husband but he doesn't like her to go with other men. They don't want to separate because they need each other, and love their twelve-year-old son.]
It is a difficult problem, difficult in the sense that sometimes it happens that the other person's energy does not turn you on. Now, he cannot do anything about it, you cannot do anything about it - it simply
does not happen. In the natural course, one should find somebody else by whom one is turned on.
But the society, the culture, the religion and the tradition, all those things, prevent it.
And sometimes we also start clinging tO each other even though we are not turned on; it is convenient, comfortable. There is the child whom you both love, so there is still more complexity in it. But if you go on repressing, then you will be angry. You may show it, you may not show it, but the anger will remain there... a resentment. Your husband will be angry too; because he cannot go with anybody else, he cannot forgive you either.
Puritans are dangerous people, mm? Because they are sacrificing, they force the other to sacrifice too. Two moralistic attitudes are always torturous. In fact my own observation is that torturers become moralists. And if you want to torture the other, first you have to torture yourself; then you have a right. You not only have a right but there is a righteousness in it also, and nobody can say that you are wrong. Ordinarily women do that: they remain very very moral and very righteous and they don't allow the husband to move. Naturally everybody is in support of them, the whole society supports them. With your case it is just the opposite: your husband is a moralist; he is playing the role of the woman. He will not forgive you if you move, he will be angry.
The whole problem in his mind is that if you can move with somebody else then why not with him?
But he is not understanding that sometimes two persons' energies simply don't meet. They may be parallel lines, they can go on running together for twenty-eight years or twenty-eight lives, but they simply don't meet.You are more like a brother and sister. You are fond of each other maybe, just like brother and sister, so you can't separate either....
If you come here for a longer period much is possible. My feeling is if you start being turned on by other people it is possible that you may be turned on by your husband too finally. For twenty-eight years it has become an accustomed habit; it has gone deep, it has become part of your being that you are not turned on by him, it has become a conditioning. Now, to break that conditioning you will need some experiences where you are simply relaxed and you start moving.
So if you can come for two, three months... and it will be easier here: you can do a few groups, they will help. You will be away from your husband for two, three months and that may do the miracle:
you may become capable of responding to him. And if you don't want to separate then that is the only way: to be turned on by other people so that finally you learn how to be turned on; then your husband can also trigger it. But you need some basic experience of what orgasm is, of where it can take you, to what spaces.
It happens many times that a person takes a certain drug and it turns him on; he feels great joy, moves very high. Then you can give him just a placebo, mm? just a sugar pill, and he thinks this is the drug. Even that sugar pill will turn him on, that will trigger the process. But before the sugar pill can work, the real drug has to do it. Otherwise just by giving the sugar pill to somebody who has never been turned on, the sugar pill won't work, because he has no experience. So you simply need deep experiences and a freedom of experience... and it will be possible here.
[A sannyasin, returning to the West, says that since she was young she has bad recurrent kidney trouble which seems to be precipitated by particular events: ... it came in the Primal group. I felt I was looking all the time for my mother - she died when I was eleven.... I have the feeling that I have to die very soon.
Osho checks her energy and gives her a box.]
And one thing to be remembered: that idea of death has to be accepted - not that you are going to die soon, but in a sense everybody is going to die soon. Whenever you die it is soon - thirty years, forty years, but what do forty years mean? It is soon.
If you accept the idea, the trouble will disappear. Since your mother died you have been against death, naturally: an eleven-year-old child and the mother dies; how can the child accept death? The mother has been taken away, death is the enemy, and the child has suffered much. So you are angry with death, very angry deep down; that anger is creating the trouble. It has nothing to do with your mother really but with your mother's death. That death came between you and your mother and took your mother away. You must have cried and cried and you must have felt utterly helpless and alone, rejected, thrown into darkness. Since then you have been afraid of death, and that fear of death keeps your energy blocked. You cannot allow yourself to flow because you are afraid that if you allow yourself to go into anything, death may come. You have to keep a hold on yourself, you have to control everything. You have lost your mother; now you don't want to lose more.
If you accept death the problem will simply disappear, evaporate. And death has to be accepted; there is no other way. We cannot do anything about death: we have to accept it. And there is no need to do anything either: death is beautiful. But I can understand your problem: how can you accept death as beautiful? It has been the ugliest thing in your life. It has taken your mother, and since then you have felt shattered. Just start understanding that death is a rest. It may have shattered you but it has given your mother a great rest. She must have been born somewhere else; life continues. This body was no more adequate enough to keep her, that's why she died. And it is good that she moved into another house, everybody has to move. So try to understand death as a friend, and start one meditation every night....
For ten minutes, just lying down on the bed, start feeling that you are dying... every night. Within a week you will be able to enter into that feeling and you will be enjoying it. It will be a surprise to you that all this tension in the body will disappear. Let the whole body die, fall asleep dying, and in the morning you will feel so fresh and full of energy. The energy will be flowing harmoniously; it Will not press against the kidneys....
Just start doing this meditation. It will take only five to ten minutes every night.... After seven days you will relax into it and you will find one of the most beautiful experiences through it. So start it.