Chapter 3
[A sannyasin says she's pregnant. She'd decided to have an abortion and thought she was happy with the decision, but since then, whenever she thinks about it she feels a tremendous amount of sadness.]
Mm mm. This will be a momentary sadness. If you want to become a mother then you want to get into deeper troubles, because it is not a question that can be easily solved once the child is there. I don't think that you are ready to become a mother right now. But if you want to become one, that's your choice, mm? - that's your choice. But then you have to take the consequences also.
Otherwise, everyday it happens, some sannyasin comes with two, three children, and they want....
Now what to do with those children? - somebody has to take care of them. The mother cannot have her own growth, she cannot work; she has to take care of the children. And then there are complications.
Once you have finished your growth-work then it is perfectly good. A child should be a leisure thing, mm? it should be the last luxury. Then you can treat yourself by being a mother, otherwise it will create complications. So you decide. Nobody is forcing you, it is for you to decide: if you want to become a mother then you want to become a mother. But then take the consequences also.
People are not aware of what they are doing when they want to bring a child into the world. Otherwise they will feel sorry about that, rather than feeling sorry about an abortion. Just think of both the possibilities: what will you give to the child? What have you got to give to the child?
You will bring your tensions into his being and he will repeat the same kind of life as yours. He will go to the psychoanalyst, he will go to the psychiatrist, and his whole life will be a problem - just as it is with everybody. What right have you to bring a soul into the world when you cannot give the person a whole and healthy being? It is a crime! People think otherwise: they think abortion is a
crime. But the child will find some other mother, because nothing dies. And there are many, many women who will be happy to have the child; it is just that you will not be responsible for it.
I am not saying not to become a mother; I am saying become a mother, but be aware that becoming a mother is a great art, it is a great achievement. First create that quality, that creativity, in you, that joy, that celebration, and then invite the child. Then you will have something to give to the child - your celebration, your song, your dance - and you will not create a pathological being. The world is already too crowded with pathological beings. Let some other planet suffer! Why this earth? In fact right now to think in terms of bringing a child is really criminal. The world is overcrowded. If a person has a little awareness, he will not bring a child into it at any cost; he will sacrifice his motherhood and fatherhood. The world is starving, people are dying and food is not there, the whole ecology is disturbed and life is going to be more and more ugly and hellish; this is not the right time.
And even if you think that it is okay, that the world will look after itself, they will find some way, you still have to think about your child. Are you ready to be a mother? - that is the thing. And I don't mean by being ready to be a mother: are you ready to become pregnant. That is not being ready to be a mother; any woman can become pregnant. Pregnancy is not equivalent to motherhood. Pregnancy is a biological phenomenon. Every girl, a healthy girl, physically healthy, is able to become pregnant; but just because you can conceive it doesn't mean you have to have a child. Just think of many other things: you have to give a psychological womb to the child, a spiritual womb to the child. Is it ready?
If it is ready, if you think it is ready, go ahead: have a child.
I will start telling my people to have children, but let me prepare my people first. Then you will be happy to have a child and the child will be happy that he was fortunate to have a mother like you.
Otherwise just go to any psychiatrist and ask 'What are people's problems?' They can be reduced to one thing: the mother. You ask [the Primal therapist here tonight], you ask our therapists, 'What is the problem with people?' All problems can be reduced to the mother, because the mother was not capable of giving a psychological womb, the mother was not capable of giving a spiritual womb.
Psychologically she was neurotic, spiritually she was empty, so there was no spiritual food for the child, no nourishment. The child comes into the world as a physical being, without a soul, without any centre. The mother was not centred; how can the child be centred? The child is simply a continuation, a continuity of the mother's being.
You are young so there is no hurry. You can become pregnant again; there is no problem in it.
But still, if you feel, 'No, this abortion is going to be very bad for me', have the child. I can only suggest, there is no order in it. Finally you have to decide on your own. Nobody can ever throw responsibility on me because these are just suggestions. Take it or leave it; that is up to you. And you are always responsible. If you take my advice, then you are responsible; if you don't take it, you are still responsible. I am just outside it. For me it is perfectly good, whether you become a mother or not is not a problem for me. But one should see all the implications of it.
If one sees all the implications of it, very few people will decide to become fathers and mothers.
And it would be a better world if fewer people decided to be mothers and fathers. It would be less crowded, less neurotic, less pathological, less crazy.
Think about it. And don't be worried, just think; there is no hurry. For three days think, and then come to a decision and do whatsoever you feel.
[A sannyasin said she had several accidents recently - was knocked on my head; a bicycle accident; fell down a well. She is not sure what happened because her consciousness went and she has crazy moments. She finds watching, witnessing, impossible.]
No, that is not for you... that is not for you.
Yes, the energy is there but there is no danger in it. And watchfulness is not for you, never try it; that will create a very great disruption in your being. Get absorbed in everything, whatsoever it is: dance to oblivion.
And don't take too much note of these accidents. Rather, take note that you survived, mm? that is the real thing. You defeated those accidents and you survived. So you will survive; there is nothing to worry about. What accidents you could have had, have happened. Always think of the positive side of things: the accident was there but you are still alive, so you transcended the accident. You proved your mettle, you proved stronger than the accident. You are perfectly healthy and whole.
The accidents are gone; they have not even left a mark on you, you are stronger now than you were before the accidents.
But I can understand. The fear will arise: if such things happen again and again, you jump into wells and you do things like that, then the fear of death is bound to arise in the mind. But death is going to happen anyway whether you jump into a well or not. The most dangerous place to avoid, if you want to avoid death, is your bed, because ninety-nine percent of deaths happen there - in a well, rarely!
(laughter) Don't jump into bed because that is where people die. If you look at the statistics, that is where people die. Avoid your bed (chuckling), but how can you avoid bed? so there is no point in being worried. Death is going to happen anyhow; it doesn't matter how it happens. And if one is to choose between the bed and the well, I think the well is far better: it has something aesthetic about it.
Just think: if a choice is given to you, that you can die in your bed or you can jump into a well or you can go into the ocean; what would you choose if the choice is given? I think nobody would choose the bed. Why not die with the ocean, in the ocean with the sun on your head? Why not die jumping from a mountain peak? Why not have that thrill?
There is no need to be afraid of death. Death is going to come; that is the only certain thing in life.
Everything else is uncertain, so why be worried about the certainty? And it is an absolute certainty.
One hundred percent of people die, not ninety-nine percent; one hundred percent of people die.
And whatsoever the scientific growth and whatsoever the advances of medical science it makes no difference as far as peoples' death is concerned: one hundred percent of people still die, just as they used to die ten thousand years ago. Whosoever is born, dies; there is no exception.
So about death we can be completely oblivious. It is going to happen, so whenever it happens it is okay. What difference does it make how it happens - whether you are knocked out in an accident or you just die in a hospital bed? It doesn't matter. Once you see the point that death is certain, these are only formalities - how one dies, where one dies. The only real thing is that one dies. By and by you will accept the fact. Death has to be accepted. There is no point in denying it; and nobody has ever been able to deny it. So relax! Enjoy while one is alive, enjoy it totally; and when death comes, enjoy that too.
I don't see that there is any problem, mm? You are afraid and that fear can create a problem. If you start holding your energy then you will create a contradiction in your being. If you become too afraid of your energy and you think that something is wrong with it, naturally you will hold it. By holding it, you will become two: the holder and the held. That is where schizophrenia starts, and that is the root cause of all pathology.
Don't create that division in yourself. You are energy; don't call it names, don't call it spasmodic or something like a perversion, crazy. Don't call it names, don't abuse it. It is you, you are not separate from this energy. So enjoy the dance while it lasts and to the last moment, drink of life!
[The sannyasin, who heads the group of five doctors/therapists who form the ashram's medical team, says: It's growing but sometimes I have doubt in my ability.]
No, no, there is nothing to be worried about. People always continue to have doubts. They go only by and by; the more you practise a certain thing, the more confident you become. But nobody ever becomes absolutely confident because life is such a mystery, one can always err. So one can never become absolutely confident unless one does not bother about anything - like me. Then you can become absolutely confident because then there is no problem. If you are not trying to prove anything you can be absolutely confident. Then if something goes wrong, something goes wrong, one iS not repentant for it; that's what was going to happen. But if you are thinking that nothing should go wrong, then the doubt, because something can always go wrong. Man's capacities are limited and life is unlimited, so that fear always remains.
But the more you practise a certain thing, whatsoever it is - music, medicine, magic, whatsoever it is - the more you practise, the more confident you become, because the more you see that no, things don't go wrong so easily! It is just like learning to drive: first one is very unconfident and very doubtful and it seems almost impossible to imagine how people drive. It is so difficult to do, there are so many things one has to do, to think of: the accelerator, the brake, the clutch, the wheel, the road and then one's wife who is guiding from the back! (laughter) So many people and it is such a crazy world, and it just doesn't look possible. But by and by driving becomes just automatic. You can sing a song or listen to the radio or talk to a friend, and everything goes right. Not that you manage: you have become skilful; skill comes through practice.
So there is no need to be worried about it; practise, help people and it is going to come. Good.
[The previous sannyasin's girlfriend says: I'm in love and it's so scary; it's bottomless. I feel my energy has no limits. I hold myself back and I don't know why. I'm so muddled sometimes and in a turmoil.]
That's why he is also a little doubting (much laughter). You must be driving him crazy. That's good:
drive him crazy!
Love always makes one nervous. There are reasons why it makes one nervous. It comes from the unconscious and all your capacities are in the conscious; all your skill, all your knowledge, is in the conscious. Love comes from the unconscious and you don't know how to cope with it what to do with it, and it is too much. The unconscious is nine times bigger than the conscious, so whatsoever comes from the unconscious is overwhelming. That's why people are afraid of emotions, feelings.
They hold them back, they are afraid they will create chaos; they do, but chaos is beautiful!
There is a need for order and there is a need for chaos too. When order is needed, use order, use the conscious mind; when chaos is needed, use the unconscious and let chaos be. A whole person, a total person, is one who is capable of using both, who does not allow any interference of the conscious into the unconscious or of the unconscious into the conscious. There are things which you can only do consciously. For example, if you are doing arithmetic or your medical work, you can do it only from the conscious. But love is not like that, poetry is not like that; they come from the unconscious. So you have to put your conscious aside.
It is the conscious that tries to hold things because it is afraid. It seems that something so big is coming, a tidal wave; will it be able to survive? It tries to avoid it, it tries to remain away from it; it wants to escape, hide somewhere. But that is not right. That's why people have become dull and dead. All springs of life are in the unconscious. The conscious is only utilitarian, it is a utility, but it is not life's joy, it is not celebration. The conscious is good if you are thinking of livelihood but not of life. Life comes from the unconscious, from the unknown, and the unknown is always scary.
Allow it. That's my whole work here: to help you to allow the unconscious. And once you start enjoying it, nervousness will disappear. There is no need to control it; one need not be in harness twenty-four hours.
Once it happened that a great Chinese emperor went to see a great Zen master. The Zen master was rolling on the floor and laughing, and his disciples were laughing too - he must have told a joke or something. The emperor was embarrassed. He could not believe his eyes because the behaviour was so unmannerly; he could not prevent himself from saying so. He told the master, 'This is unmannerly! It is not expected of a master like you; some etiquette has to be there. You are rolling on the floor, laughing like a madman.'
The master looked at the emperor. He had a bow; in those old days they used to carry bows and arrows. The master said, 'Tell me one thing: do you keep this bow always strained, stretched, tense, or do you allow it to relax too?'
The emperor said, 'If we keep it stretched continuously it will lose elasticity, it will not be of any use then. It has to be left relaxed so that whenever we need it, it has elasticity.' And the master said, 'That's what I'm doing.'
There are moments when people should be so relaxed, so wildly relaxed, that they don't have any formality to follow. And love is that relaxation. One need not be in harness for twenty-four hours.
While working, be in the conscious, be alert, be calculative, be intelligent, be skilful, be efficient. But that is only the utilitarian part of life. Out of the office relax and be overflooded by the unconscious; be possessed by it and go wild. And you have great energies to go wild with; I can see.
Just come close. Close your eyes and go wild. Let the energy possess you, and whatsoever starts happening, allow - trembling, shaking....
Very good. Things are going great. Don't be nervous at all, mm?
From today allow the energy, and if somebody has to be nervous, it is [your boyfriend]; you need not be! If next time some problem arises, he will come - you need not. Just go into it, and it will be a
great release. Don't hold it and soon it will settle, it will not always be so wild. It is wild because you have been repressing it. Soon it will settle, it will come to a balance, and then the nervousness will not be there.
It is a vicious circle: you feel nervous, you repress energy; you repress energy and that repressed energy creates more trembling inside you so you feel more nervous; you feel more nervous, you repress more. And so on, so forth, it goes on and on: the more you repress, the more nervous you will feel; the more nervous you feel, the more you will repress.
You have to break through, out of this vicious circle. Just take a jump. No need to repress. Tonight, go wild... right? Good!
[A sannyasin says: I'm feeling stronger in some ways, stronger in myself, but at the same time I feel vulnerable, weaker than other people, and I'm very frightened.]
Mm mm mm, that's how it is: when you are really vulnerable you feel stronger, not weaker. If you are stronger, you will feel vulnerable. Only a weak person remains closed out of fear. A strong person is open, open to all: open to death, open to all kinds of winds, open to light and darkness, to the friend and to the foe. A strong man is open, vulnerable, and a vulnerable man is strong. If vulnerability brings the idea of weakness, then it is not vulnerability; you are thinking of weakness as vulnerability.
They look alike but they are not. A weak person cannot be vulnerable, that is impossible: the weak cannot afford it. It is a great luxury to be vulnerable.
So you are absolutely on the right track. As your strength grows so will your vulnerability; as your vulnerability grows so will your strength. At the highest peak of strength one is like a child - delicate like a rose flower. It looks paradoxical but that is how it is. That's what Lao Tzu means when he says to become waterlike, not rocklike, because water is strong yet vulnerable. The rock looks strong but is weak, that's why it is closed. It is not fluid. It is afraid: it cannot afford that much risk. So when water and rock come in conflict, logic would say that water will be defeated, but life decides just the opposite.
So just accept it and go with it. It will come to a peak and that peak will be a great experience.
You are not afraid because you are feeling delicate and vulnerable, you are afraid because you are feeling strong - let me point it out to you. This will look strange when I say that you are feeling afraid because you are feeling strong. But when you feel strong, fear arises because now you feel power, and you never know what you will do with the power. You can destroy: you can destroy others, you can destroy yourself. Power is dangerous, it is risky.
People decide to live at the minimum so there is no risk. When you have power there is every risk that you will use it. When you have a sports car which can go two hundred miles per hour, there is risk:one day you will decide to go that fast. Mm? the very thing that's possible becomes a challenge.
So people live at a low key because if they know how much they can rise in power, how powerful they can be, then it will be difficult to resist, the temptation will be too much; they would like to go the whole way. Then one does not know what will happen: if you go two hundred miles an hour in a car you never know; hence the fear.
Your fear is not of vulnerability; your fear is of the strength that you are feeling arising. The snake is uncoiling and you don't know what to do with such power.
Patanjali has written a whole chapter in his Yoga sutras about power just to help every seeker to walk very carefully in this area, because great power will be available and there will be great danger.
Just to warn people, to make them alert, he has written that chapter; it is one fourth of his Yoga sutras. He has taken great care to describe every possible aspect of power. Why? - because the seeker could be lost; it is better to warn him beforehand.
But with me it is totally different. If the vulnerability grows together with power, there is no fear; if power grows alone without vulnerability, then there is fear, then something can go wrong. That's what Patanjali is afraid of, because his Yoga methodology is such that it is against vulnerability. It gives you power but no vulnerability. It makes you more and more strong, like steel, but not strong like a rose flower. That is where I differ: my whole work consists in making you strong on one hand and vulnerable on the other hand. Both go together, they keep balance and one need not be afraid.
When the balance is lost there is danger, then there is fear.
So go perfectly happy; everything is going well.
[The encounter group is present. One group member says that the group leader told her she was cut off, and without a heart. She says: I feel shallow but I feel I have a heart.... But I don't feel it.]
That's what he means. When you feel it, when it is there alive and is the centre of your being, the decisive factor of your being, then you have a heart. Everybody has a heart. When it is said that you don't have a heart it is not meant literally. How can you exist without a heart? A heart is there but it is like a bud, not like a flower. But the bud can become a flower.
Do one thing: start a breathing process. Do it whenever your stomach is empty, or if you want to do it after you have taken food then wait three hours. Do it either before taking food or three hours after you have taken food. Throw all the air out, exhale deeply, pull the stomach in and throw all the air out. When you feel all the air is out, keep it out as long as you can, for two minutes, three minutes; three minutes is the best. It will be difficult but by and by you will be able to do it: you will be completely starved of air and then it will come rushing in. You will feel great joy in its rush, great vitality, and that rushing will help your heart to open.
You need something to penetrate your heart. So whenever you want to do it, you can. Don't do it more than seven times in one session, mm? You can do it three, four, five times a day or even more; there is no problem. Just remember: do it on an empty stomach so that you can really throw the air out. Then let it remain there as long as possible. And don't be afraid, you will not die, because whatever it becomes Impossible to hold it, your control is gone and the air rushes in. By and by you will be able to keep your breath out for three minutes and then when it comes rushing in it will open the petals of the heart.
It is one of the most significant devices to open the heart. Do it, mm?
[She asks: Did you say to keep the air out for three minutes at one time?]
Yes. In the beginning it will not be possible, only one minute, one and a half minutes, two minutes, but it can be kept out for three; it is possible. You need not worry about minutes; just keep it out as long as you can. When it becomes impossible then you cannot do anything: it will come in. Try to keep it out; when it comes in, it comes in. Only then will it hit the heart centre.
[Another sannyasin asks: I feel that since doing groups I've become more closed to you, that I've become stronger and am becoming more and more closed to you. I don't know whether to continue doing groups or whether to be working in the ashram. I feel I'm becoming harder.]
No, that is not real strength; real strength will make you more open to me. It is just ego strength because you know more about the mechanism of the mind, how it functions, how it works. You know more about the games that you play. Now, two things happen: knowing the games that you play, knowing that all are games, you become more humble; then the ego disappears. You become strong and the ego becomes less and less strong. But then you are vulnerable, open; you will be more surrendered, more receptive. You will come close to me, you will find a great intimacy. But another possibility is also there: knowing all the games, how they are played and how you play them, you can gather that knowledge and can become a more efficient player of games. Both are possibilities and both are open. Then the ego becomes more strong and you will feel closed to me.
So you have to watch it: the ego has not to be given strength.
It happens rarely, but it does happen sometimes: through groups the ego starts feeling stronger because you know more, and knowledge can be a nourishment to the ego.
Do a few more groups.
[Another sannyasin has been affected by his friend's suicide - see previous chapter 2 - and says:
It's so overpowering that I cut it off, I don't allow it. I just feel really afraid to let go.... I can surrender when I feel that you will protect me; but when [he] died, I felt you didn't protect him.]
A few things have to be understood. First: you don't accept death; that is where the problem is. You are clinging too much to life.
And do you think that I have to protect people from dying? I have to help them to live totally, to die totally - that's my work. To me death is as beautiful as life. You have a certain idea that I have to protect people from their death. Then I will be against them. Death is beautiful, nothing is wrong with it. In fact sometimes life may be wrong but death is never wrong, because death is a relaxation, death is a surrender.
You are creating the problem out of your fear; it has nothing to do with [your friend]. [His] death has disturbed vou: it has brought the fact into your consciousness that you will also have to die, and that you cannot accept. Now you want some consolation from me. I am not going to give any consolation to anybody. I give only truth, and death is as true as life. But people live with this idea that death is something inimical, it has to be avoided; as long as it is avoided, it is good. One has to live anyhow, one has to go on dragging. Even if life has no meaning, one has to go on living. One may be suffering, one may be paralysed, one may be mad. One may not be of any use to anybody, one may be a burden to oneself and each moment may be of ugly suffering, but still one has to live on as if life has some intrinsic value. This is the idea people carry in their mind: death is a taboo.
But to me it is not. To me both life and death are beautiful; they are two aspects of the same energy.
So I have to help you to live and I have to help you to die: that is my way of protecting you. Let it be completely clear, otherwise you will always be confused. Somebody is ill, a sannyasin falls ill and then he starts wondering whether he can trust me because he has fallen ill. I am not here to protect you from illness. I am here to help you to understand illness, to go through it silently, witnessing it, seeing it, undisturbed. Illness is part of life. Now, if somebody thinks that I have to protect him against illness then he will never be able to understand me; he is here for the wrong reasons. If he is dying, I will help him to die.
Death can be a great glory, it can be a great peak. Death always disturbs people because they reject it. You have a rejection, you are against death. You don't want to die, you would like to remain forever and ever; but that is not possible. This is the first thing....
The second thing is: because it was not even a natural death, it was a suicide, you have the idea that I should protect sannyasins. I should prevent suicide, no sannyasin should commit a suicide.
Why? It is part of your freedom. If a sannyasin decides that the game is over and he wants to go home, then who am I to prevent him? I will simply say, 'Go happily and dancingly. Don't go sadly; make it a happy journey back home.'
But [your friend] never asked me. Even if he had, I would have told him, 'This is your freedom, I don't interfere in your freedom. It is your life, it is your death; who am I to interfere? All that I can do is make available to you the skill that makes everything beautiful.' And a suicide can also be beautiful.
You will be surprised that in India there exists a religion, Jainism, that allows suicide; allows it as a religious act! It allows its sannyasins to commit suicide if they decide to do it. I think that is one of the greatest acceptances of freedom; no other religion has dared that much. Sooner or later every nation in the world will have to accept suicide as a fundamental right, because if a person wants to die, then who are you - your courts, your police and your law - to prevent him? Who are you? Who has given you the right? Why should he be made to feel guilty? Why should he be made to feel a criminal? Why can't he invite his friends and die dancing and singing? Why should he commit it like a crime?
Suicide is not a crime; your law makes it a crime. In a better world where freedom is respected more, if a person wants to die, he will invite his friends along. For a few days he will live with his friends, he will dance and sing and listen to good music, read poetry and go visiting neighbours to say goodbye. One day all will gather together and he will simply die. And they will have given him a good send-off! In a better world suicide will not be a crime.
You just have to change your attitude. And you have to be very clear about me: I am not an ordinary teacher who consoles people. My commitment is towards truth, not towards consolation. Howsoever uncomfortable the truth is, my commitment is towards truth. This to me is a sacred phenomenon, freedom.
If [your friend] decides to commit suicide, that's perfectly okay; you should be able to give that freedom to him. You are resisting it: he has already committed suicide and you are not giving him permission to go through with it. That is your problem, that is not his problem. He has not created the problem, he has simply provoked a problem which has always been in you. Now let him go, say goodbye, relax and understand it.
This moment of sadness can become one of great understanding, because something has been touched deep down in your heart. Now don't waste time! Meditate over it, look at it from every corner, from every angle. Don't just be angry, don't just be sad; let it become a great moment of meditation too. Yes, sadness is there, anger is there, as if he had cheated you. He was your friend and he didn't even say anything to you. How dare he? He deceived you! That's why you are feeling great anger deep down. And you are angry at me too; how could I allow it? He never asked me, but if he had, I would have allowed him. But he never asked me. In fact there is no need to ask; if he wants to go, he wants to go.
All is good. Yes, even suicide is good. It takes guts to accept that. The first taboo in the world was sex, and sex is by and by being accepted. Now suicide needs a Freud in the world, someone like a Freud, who destroys the second taboo. These two are the taboos: sex and death. Now somebody is needed to make death acceptable, rejoicable; someone to destroy the myth that something is wrong in it, that only cowards commit suicide. That is wrong. In fact just the reverse is the case: cowards go on clinging to life. But sometimes a man comes to a point where he sees there is no sense in living. He gives the ticket back to god. He says, 'Keep your world, I am going. I don't want to see this film any more.'
I have heard about George Bernard Shaw that he was invited to see a drama. In the middle he suddenly got up. The author asked, 'Where are you going?' He said, 'I have seen half of it.' The author said, 'But half is still to come.' Bernard Shaw said, 'But it is written by the same man, so I have finished with it!' (laughter) One has seen half of life, then one sees that it is written by the same man, so what is the point in staying? You go home and rest!
Meditate over it - it is a beautiful moment. You are sad, angry, yes; but meditate on it. And you will be benefited. [Your friend] has done some good service to a few people. Don't waste this movement just in being angry and sad; bring meditation to it, think over it: why are you feeling this? And make it a problem of yours. Don't throw the responsibility on [him], because that is pointless. That's what we do: we ask ourselves why did he commit suicide? That is not the point. Why it hurts you: that is the problem. Why he killed himself is for him to decide. Why didn't he say anything to you; that is also for him to decide. Who knows why he decided not to say anything to anybody? who knows why he decided to do it on that particular day?
He seems to have died very peacefully. [An ashram doctor], was there to see him when he died: he was lying on the road, very peacefully, almost as if he had fallen asleep there, one hand under his head, as if the turmoil is gone, the storm is finished.
That is not the problem - why he did it, why he didn't say anything. This is also not the problem - why Osho didn't prevent him doing it, why he didn't take care. That too is not a problem for you. The problem for you is: why can't you accept it? Where does it hurt? You have to go into it deeply, find the wound and go into it. And it will be a great revelation to you that you don't accept death, that you are afraid of death, that even your relationship with me is not a relationship of trust but only of consolation, of greed.
You want to use me for some of your ideas: that I should protect you, that I am a kind of security to you. I am not! I am not a guarantee for anything. I am a very irresponsible man.
Those who join hands with me have to join hands with me in total awareness that they are coming along with an irresponsible man who follows no morality, who knows no principles, who has no so- called values, who is utterly chaotic and who trusts life and its chaos absolutely. So whatsoever life brings is good for me.
Go into these things and see how your relationship to me is affected by [his] death, why your trust is shaken, what you were hoping for. There must have been some deep motive behind it, and that motive is disturbed. If you can meditate, you will come out of it very fresh and new, and you will be thankful to [him].
And don't be worried about him: he is already born, he has found a mother. There are so many foolish women around the world (laughter); you cannot avoid being born again. So don't be worried.
There is every possibility that within two, three years, he will be back here as a child. The day he comes I will declare, 'This is....!' Just wait!