Darshan 17 March 1976

[A sannyasin says: I'm wondering about my relationship. There is a lot of good feeling, but we're sort of keeping each other safe, and I feel restricted.

We'll both be starting groups and I think we'll be able to branch out.]

No relationship can truly grow if you go on holding back. If you remain clever and go on safeguarding and protecting yourself, only personalities meet, and the essential centres remain alone. Then just your mask is related - not you. Whenever such a thing happens, there are four persons in the relationship, not two. Two false persons go on meeting, and the two real persons remain worlds apart.

Risk is there. If you become true, nobody knows whether this relationship will be capable of understanding truth, authenticity; whether this relationship will be strong enough to stand in the storm. There is a risk - and because of it, people remain very very guarded. They say things which should be said; they do things which should be done. Love becomes more or less like a duty. But then the reality remains hungry, and the essence is not fed. So the essence becomes more and more sad. The lies of the personality are a very heavy burden on the essence, on the soul. The risk is real, and there is no guarantee for it - but I will tell you that the risk is worth taking.

At the most, the relationship can break - at the most. But it is better to be separate and to be real rather than being unreal and together - because then it is never going to be satisfying. Benediction will never come out of it. You will remain hungry and thirsty, and you will go on dragging, just waiting for some miracle to happen.

For the miracle to happen you will have to do something, and that is - start being true, at the risk that maybe the relationship is not strong enough and may not be able to bear it. The truth may be too much, unbearable - but then that relationship is not worthwhile. So that test has to be passed.

Risk everything for truth, otherwise you will remain discontented. You will do many things, but nothing will really happen to you. You will move much, but you will never arrive anywhere, mm? The whole effect will be almost absurd.

It is as if vou are hungry and vou simply fantasise about food; beautiful, delicious. But fantasy is fantasy - it is not real. You cannot eat unreal food. For moments you can delude yourself - you can live in a dreamlike world - but a dream is not going to give you anything. It will take many things from you - and it will not give you anything in return. The time that you are using with a false personality is simply wasted; it will never come back to you again. Those same moments could have been real, authentic. Even a single moment of authenticity is better than a whole life of inauthentic living.

So don't be afraid. The mind will say to you to go on safeguarding the other and yourself, to keep safe. That's how millions of people are living.

Freud in his last days wrote in a letter to a friend that as far as he had observed.... And he really observed deeply - nobody has observed so deeply, so penetratingly, so persistently and so scientifically. He says in the letter that as far as he has observed through his life, one conclusion seems absolutely certain - that people cannot live without lies.

Truth is dangerously. Lies are very sweet, but unreal. Delicious... you go on saying sweet nothings to your lover, and he goes on whispering in your ear sweet - but - nothings. And meanwhile life goes on slipping out of your hands, and everybody is coming closer and closer to death.

Before death comes, remember one thing - that love has to be lived before death happens.

Otherwise you live in vain, and the whole of your life will be futile - a desert. Before death comes, make it a certainty that love has happened. But that is possible only with the truth. So be true. Risk everything for truth, and never risk truth for anything else.

Let this be the fundamental law - even if I have to sacrifice myself, my life, I am going to sacrifice it for truth but truth I wi!! never sacrifice for anything - and tremendous happiness will be yours; undreamed of benedictions will shower on you.

Once you are true, everything else becomes possible. If you are false - just a facade, a painted thing, a face, a mask - nothing is possible. Because with the false, only false happens; with the truth, truth.

I understand your problem. That is the problem of all lovers - that deep down they are afraid. They go on wondering whether this relationship will be strong enough to bear truth. But how can you know beforehand? There is no a priori knowledge. One has to move into it to know it.

How are you to know, sitting inside your house, whether you will be able to withstand the storm and the wind outside? You have never been in the storm. Go and see. Trial and error is the only way - go and see. Maybe you will be defeated, but even in that defeat you will have become stronger than you are right now.

If one experience defeats you - and another, and another - by and by the very going through the storm will make you stronger and stronger and stronger. A day comes when one simply starts

delighting in the storm, one simply starts dancing in the storm. Then the storm is not the enemy.

That too is an opportunity - a wild opportunity - to be.

Remember, being never happens comfortably - otherwise it would have happened to all.

Remember, being cannot happen conveniently - otherwise everybody would have being without any problem. Being happens only when you take risk, when you move in danger. And love is the greatest danger there is. It demands you totally.

So don't be afraid - go into it. If the relationship survives truth, it will be beautiful. If it dies, then too it is good because one false relationship has ended, and now you will be more capable of moving into another relationship... truer, more solid, more concerning the essence.

But remember always, falsity never pays. It appears to, but it never pays. Only truth... and in the beginning, truth never looks like it is going to pay. It seems it will shatter everything. If you look at it from the outside, truth looks very very dangerous, terrible. But this is an outside view. If you go in, truth is the only beautiful thing. And once you start cherishing it, tasting it, you will demand more and more because it will bring contentment.

So don't be afraid. Gather courage to be, and go through these groups. They will be helpful, mm?

But go truly there, otherwise nothing can be of help. And it will be good if the two of you can do the groups separately, because if you do them with your boyfriend, or husband or wife, their presence goes on functioning like an inhibitory force. You have been so related to them that the old pattern tends to repeat. It is easier with strangers to be truer.

Have you watched it? People just travelling in a train start talking with strangers - and they assert things they have never asserted to their friends, because with the stranger, nothing is involved. After just half an hour your station will come and you will get off - you will forget and he will forget what you have said. So whatever you have said makes no difference; nothing is at stake with a stranger.

People talking to strangers are more true, and they reveal their heart; but talking with friends, with relatives - father, mother, wife, husband, brother, sister - there is a deep unconscious inhibition.

'Don't say this - he may feel hurt.' 'Don't do that - mum won't like it.' 'Don't behave in this way - the father is old; he may be shocked.' So one goes on controlling.

By and by the truth is dropped into the basement of your being, and you become very clever and cunning with the untrue. You go on smiling - false smiles, which are just painted on the lips. You go on saying good things - meaning nothing. You are getting bored with your boyfriend or your father, but you go on saying 'How glad I am to see you!' And your whole being says 'Now leave me alone!'

But verbally you go on pretending. And they are also doing the same thing; nobody becomes aware because we are all moving in the same boat.

A religious person is one who comes out of this boat and risks his life. He says 'Either I want to be true, or I don't want to be at all. But I am not going to be false'.

Whatsoever the stake, try it - but don't go on moving in a false way. The relationship may be strong enough. It may bear the truth. Then it is very very beautiful. If you cannot be true to the person you love, then where will you be true? Where? If you cannot be true to the person whom you think loves

you, if you are afraid even with him to reveal the truth, to be totally spiritually naked before him, if even there you are hiding, then where will you find the place and space where you can be totally free?

That's the meaning of love - that at least in one person's presence we can he totally nude. We know that he loves, so he will not misunderstand. We know that he loves, so the fear disappears. One can reveal all; one can open all the doors. One can invite the person to come in. One can start participating in another's being.

Love is participation... so at least with the lover, don't be untrue. I'm not saying to go into the marketplace and be true - because that will create unnecessary trouble right now. But first with the lover, then with the family, then with people who are farther away. By and by you will learn that to be true is so beautiful that you would like to lose everything for it. Then in the marketplace....

Then truth simply becomes your way of life. But start, mm? The alphabet of love, truth, has to be learned with those who are very close - because they will understand, mm? Good.

[A sannyasin says: I'm becoming more and more aware that I've been missing much out of fear of punishment.]

Every society conditions the mind of children - makes them afraid of punishment; makes them - seduces them - to be greedy for awards. From the very beginning a child comes again and again to these two alternatives: if he does this, father won't like it - and he will be punished. If he does that, father will like it - and he will be rewarded. So he stops listening to his own heart.

Even if the heart says 'do this', first he has to check how his father, his mother, the society or the government is going to react. You would like to do something, but what are others going to say?

They will punish you for it - so then you drop that project.

So that fear of punishment - a vague fear, you don't know exactly what it is.... This is the whole thing - that up to now you have been doing things which others were expecting you to do. You were considering others.

Gurdjieff used to say to his disciples, 'Drop considerations, otherwise you will never be an independent being.'

Drop consideration. I'm not saying to hurt anybody. I'm not saying that just for the sake of rebellion, be rebellious. That too is foolish. That will not bring you to your natural spontaneous being. That is moving in the opposite direction. It is a reaction - not a rebellion. You follow me?

Your father said to you not to do something. You can react, and can do just the opposite. Or whatsoever he was saying to do, you can do. But whether you do it or not, in both ways you are dominated by your father. For example, if I say 'Don't go to the West', you can say 'I am an independent man, and I cannot listen to you'. But you are following me. I dominated the whole thing. You think you denied me - of course you denied me; but negatively you followed me. In the first place, was there a desire to go to the West? If it was there, then go. If it was not there, then don't be bothered what others are saying - you go to the South, go to the East; whatsoever your feeling is to do.

Always remember to distinguish between rebellion and reaction. Be rebellious, but never be reactionary. Don't hurt anybody. If you can make others happy as well as yourself without going astray from your natural source, perfectly good, make them happy, but never at your own sacrifice.

No.

[The Encounter group is present. The leader says: There was a lot of laughter and playing in the group. But again, a lot of people seemed to be stuck where they are.]

Playfulness is good... fun is also very good. But remember, it may be an escape for a few people to avoid. Many times people laugh just to avoid a situation. They become afraid that the thing is going to be serious, so they start laughing and taking things as fun. That's a way of keeping themselves away.

Laughter is good if it comes from the deepest core of the person. If it comes just from the head, then it becomes a protective mask. Many people go on laughing - not that they are happy, but they would not like to concede that they are unhappy. By and by they become so efficient in it that they completely forget that it has been just a manoeuvre.

So that has to be remembered, otherwise the group will not go very deep. Fun should be serious, and laughter must have the quality of tears in it to be true and really deep. This is one of the oldest ways to avoid situations which can lead you into deep depression, negativity.

That's the reason that jewish jokes are the best, because that is the race that has suffered most.

Through their jokes they are protecting themselves. Even in the concentration camps of Adolf Hitler, Jews were transferring jokes and laughing! People who have been watching and observing Jews in the concentration camps were simply surprised; they could not believe it. Where death is hanging on the head every moment, and every morning a few people have disappeared - your wife, your father, friends - still they continued laughing.

In the military, on the front, soldiers become very very fun-loving, and start telling jokes. That's a way not to see the seriousness of the situation - otherwise, how will you bear it? The Jews could bear it because of their jokes.

In India, Hindus have nothing like jewish jokes - nothing at all - because the country has lived in a way in which the people were not very rich, but they were content. There was not much - people were poor - but they were adjusted to their poverty. They have not created any jokes.

Jewish jokes are simply rare... nobody can compete. As I have observed, in fact all jokes have their origin somewhere in jewish jokes; they are all derivatives of jewish jokes.

So always remember in a group situation that there are many people who will want to take it as fun, play. !t is good - but don't allow too much. End the group every day by laughter, but everybody has to earn it in the first place - otherwise not. It is an earning; hard work has to be done the whole day.

Otherwise the group will have been enjoyed, but will have left people with nothing in their hands. It was a good experience, interesting, amusing - but that's all. It won't bring growth.

So this is the delicacy of it. People should not become serious, deadly serious - otherwise things become heavy and work becomes difficult. So sprinkle fun, laughter, and jokes here and there, but

it should be like the salt in the food - not more than that. Mm? If everything is salty you cannot eat it.

[A group participant says: Since the group I've stopped taking risks... ]

Mm mm... it can happen. If the group goes well, people who are cowardly will start taking risks.

People who are a little foolhardy will stop taking risks (a chuckle). You must be of the second sort.

A group brings a very balanced state of mind to you... a balanced state. So if a person who is very cowardly and always afraid to take risks passes through the group experience and grows and becomes more aware, he will start taking risks. A person who is foolhardy - who is always treading where angels fear to tread - will become more alert, and will drop a few risks.

Unnecessary risks are not to be taken. It is just foolish to stand in the middle of the road and not to listen to the driver of a bus; it is simply foolish! It is not a risk - you are simply suicidal. You must have been a little suicidal in your risks.

People enjoy that too, because it gives a thrill, an excitement. If people are suicidal and they are driving a car, they will tend to go beyond sixty, seventy miles per hour, because there is a thrill. Just facing death, they feel very sharp, young, and that they are giving a good fight against death. But this is foolish. Out of a group experience, meditation, awareness, this type of person will stop many risks.

So it is good - you will be more balanced now. There is no need to be a coward, and there is no need to be a brave man. Both are the same type of diseases - in different directions, contrary directions; but both are the same. One needs to be simply aware; neither a coward nor brave. Whatsoever the situation demands, do it. Do you understand me? A cowardly man works from his cowardice - never responds to the real situation. A brave man works from his bravery, never responding to the real situation.

My teaching is that you need not be either. There is no need to have fixed ideas about anything, about yourself. Let the situation decide - you simply be aware, and let awareness respond. There are many times when you will feel very brave because it is needed, and times when you will say it is foolish to be brave.

The world will be very very silent and peaceful if people drop these concepts of bravery and cowardice, and all sorts of nonsense which they have been taught by the politicians and the priests, because they want sacrifice. They want you to sacrifice yourself somewhere - Vietnam, Israel, Pakistan - so they tell you to become brave, to be a man. But why? Why should they want you to go and unnecessarily knock your head against a wall?

One has to live one's life. There is no need to sacrifice it for anything, unless your inner consciousness gives you an opportunity - where you think your whole being is at stake, and you choose it. But you choose consciously - not by somebody else's teaching, preaching, conditioning.

Good... cool down! By and by do all the groups, and you will come out of it very very tranquil, balanced, calm, cool, collected.

[Anupassana, another participant, says: I was not letting people close to me at all, and I had said to him in the beginning, too, that I was not open to you either, and it worried me, because why be here?

And then my name keeps bothering me because it sounds very lonely... it's not a very strong name.

I would like to be called fearless, or something like that, just to remind me to be stronger.

And I don't know whether to be with people or be alone.]

If you like I can change your name. Just choose whatsoever name you like, and I will give it to you....

Because a name is simply useless. It cannot make you stronger, it cannot make you more aware. A name is just a label....

It is nothing. I can give you a number - one hundred and one - and that will not remind you of anything (laughter).

No.... We go on finding some excuse or other to be unhappy. I can change your name - that is so simple - but you will find something else, because it is a question of you, not your name.

And being alone is not bad. But it can be enjoyed only if you make a rhythm of being with people and being alone, being with people, being alone. Then it is perfectly beautiful. Otherwise, just being alone you will shrink; you won't grow. Never get fixated anywhere... remain a flow.

Just being alone may be a way to hide yourself. You may be afraid of love. You may be afraid of friendship. You may be afraid of people. A thousand and one fears may be there. So one rationalises that one likes to be alone. Be alone if you like, be alone if you are happy. But you don't seem to be happy. If a name can make you unhappy, then anything can make you unhappy - anything I say. You can become unhappy because the trees are green. Unhappiness is in you. You find some excuse and you hang it there.

... You should move. But when I say you should move, I don't mean destroy your loneliness completely. You will be more alone if you move with people. Your aloneness will have a depth and a richness if you move with people. You earn it.

[Osho went on to compare the rhythm of aloneness and togetherness with fasting and eating, saying that if you do either to excess, you will go mad or you will die.... ]

The same rhythm has to be followed in all the layers of life. Move... people are beautiful. You can learn much from them. Much will happen in contact with them. Life is a relationship. So allow people to come close to you... become vulnerable. It will give you many many happinesses; it will give you many painful experiences. It will make you in some moments tremendously delighted; in many moments tremendously depressed. But both are needed - one becomes enriched. Then move in your aloneness and you will feel good.

And anupassana is a beautiful word. It simply means awareness, meditation, contemplation. It doesn't mean that one has to be alone. Meditation can be done in the marketplace. You can also remain alone in the crowd.

So try this. This ashram is going to be a world family. Many more people will be coming every day. It is going to become bigger and bigger and bigger. That's how anything that is alive, grows. Anything, even an institution, when it is alive, grows. New branches, new leaves come to it... new flowers. It is going to be a continuous movement.

Be here, but remain alone. Remain centred and you are alone.